It helps that Bailey can see me with another woman, that she can see me happy in a relationship rather than sad. Excited rather than worried. That she can see a couple who spend more time loving each other than fighting.
Oh, I didn’t mention that, did I? My new relationship. It’s funny—just when I thought things were at their worst, when I’d finally adjusted to life alone, someone stepped into my life and opened all those doors that I’d just been looking at, too scared to open them.
After those weeks alone in my house, I tried to go out again, to date. And I found myself instantly falling back into the same old patterns. Everyone I wanted, was attracted to, wasn’t available to me for one reason or another. But those are the people I’m drawn to, the ones I can’t have. After the book and the breakup, though, I really saw those patterns for what they were. And now that I was out in the nightmarish dating world again, those patterns were so obvious that it was like someone slapping me on the forehead.
I was really struggling with all this when I went out one night with my friend Kathy Najimy to a ladies’ bar in West Hollywood called Felt. Kathy’s sort of my partner in crime, she’s the most lesbian-friendly woman I know … all the while devoted to her husband and daughter. (Kathy! You’re in the book!) When I go to a gay bar on the spur of the moment, it can be a little uncomfortable. Because suddenly I’m the power lesbian in the room and there’s no place for me to go and just hang. It feels like all eyes are on me, waiting for something, expecting something. Not exactly a comfortable way to meet people. So we walked into Felt and bee-lined for an open table.
On the way across the room, I saw a beautiful young woman at the corner table. Short blond hair and striking, smoky eyes. But we whisked right by her. Later in the evening, I was talking to a young man who was working on the GLAAD awards, when he asked me if I wanted to meet his friend Tammy. “She’s an actress,” he said. “On the WB show, Popular,” I shrugged. Sure.
And then she walks across the room toward us. That woman with the eyes. She sat down next to me and we started talking. I don’t know that we’ve stopped yet. Tammy wasn’t a fan. She wasn’t that interested in who I was. She was interested in me. Just me. “I hope you don’t have a problem with age,” she said, “because I’m twenty-six … but I’d love to take you out to dinner.” Right there she asked me out on a date. Now, I don’t think I’ve been asked on a date in forever, and here was this beautiful twenty-six-year-old wanting to take me to dinner. Needless to say, I was charmed. She gave me her phone number and said I should call her to take her up on it.
It took me a full week to call. After all, here’s a beautiful woman who wants me to call her. There must be something wrong, right? It took me that long to realize that I had a choice. That I could fall back into my old pattern of falling for unavailable women, live that old life all over again. Or I could move forward, doing my best to break the chains of habit. I didn’t know anything about this woman other than the fact that she was gay, available, and attracted to me. So I picked up the phone and I called.
Tammy took me to dinner. And it was great. I was very open and honest about where I was in my life, what was happening with me, and she met me tit for tat. She said, okay you’ve got your stuff; here’s mine. And we talked, honestly, emotionally, about who we were and what we wanted. It was a foundation built with honesty, something I’ve never really experienced before.
Loving Tammy is, in many ways, a real acceptance of who I am as a gay woman. Just like me, she’s always known she’s gay. And has struggled with it. And come to terms with it. Her sexuality isn’t an issue for her, it just is. Our relationship continues to grow and deepen to this day. And I believe that it’s because it’s built on trust, on an honest acceptance of who each of us really is as an individual.
What’s also been powerful this year is my rediscovery of myself as a solo performer. That’s how I started, down in the bars in Long Beach, and every step on the road to success and fame has been a step away from that. Things got bigger, and louder, and just … more. So just around the time the book came out, I was thinking that making Skin had been such a solo process that maybe I should go on tour solo. Everyone thought it was a great idea. But I instantly had second thoughts. I was terrified. I thought I was gonna get up there, play four songs, and have everyone be bored to tears.
But the tour’s been fabulous. Maybe one of my best ever. It’s just me up there on stage. No filter, no band. Nothing to get between me and the audience. There’s an intimacy that comes with being alone on stage. An intimacy and a real sense of freedom. I can do anything I want, play anything I want. Switch the song list midset. Have a shot of tequila. Anything.
It feels like going back to where I started. Back to the bars. Sure, it’s a huge bar. But it’s still just me and an audience. And a stage—which remains my favorite place in the world.
For so many years my professional life was so separate from my family life. Now, for the first time, I’m beginning to feel like they’re two sides of the same coin. If I can be the same person on stage that I am at home with my kids, that I am with Tammy, then I’ll have really found a way to bring everything together. It’s all about becoming whole. I might not be there yet, but at least the path is clear.
Life remains an open book. But the great part is … I still get to fill in all the blank pages.
Song Lyric Credits
• • •
MORNING, READY TO LOVE
Words and Music by Melissa Etheridge
© Copyright 1995, 1993 Almo Music Corp. (ASCAP)
International Copyright secured All Rights Reserved
BRING ME SOME WATER, LIKE THE WAY I DO,
OCCASIONALLY, A TRUTHFUL LULLABY
YOU USED TO LOVE TO DANCE
Words and music by Melissa Etheridge
© Copyright 1988, 1988, 1988, 1998, 1989
MLE Music and Almo Music Corp. (ASCAP)
International Copyright Secured All Rights Reserved
BREAKDOWN, COME TO MY WINDOW,
THE GOOD LITTLE SHEEP, GOODBYE MOTHER,
I WANT A DRINK, LONELY IS A CHILD,
MUST BE CRAZY FOR ME, SCARECROW, SLEEP,
STEPHANIE, YOU CAN SLEEP WHILE I DRIVE,
Words and Music by Melissa Etheridge
© Copyright 1999, 1993, 2001, 2001, 2001, 2001, 1992, 1999, 1999, 2001, 1989 MLE Music (ASCAP)
International Copyright Secured All Rights Reserved
The Truth Is ... Page 18