Of Gods & Grunts

by Kyrell Kendrick

  I was about to make a quip, but I saw the fear in Ugly Tinkerbell's eyes, so I ignored it.

  "We were granted, Theiki Filoxenia, by King Sykon," Cloy said.

  "Pay attention, Kevin, this is how gods should be treated," Snarf said arrogantly as he walked over to examine the tailor and the numerous patches of garment.

  "Careful Snarf, I'd hate for you to lose an eye," I responded.

  "Oh, how I've missed you," Cloy said with a hint of laughter in her voice.

  Snarf ignored me and started a sidebar with the Royal Tailor. I caught pieces of him directing the man to make him some robes, which I was pretty sure were going to be ridiculously gaudy.

  "So what brought you guys here? Not that I'm not happy to see you."

  "Unfortunately, I come bearing terrible news," Cloy said.

  A run of terrible things popped in my head.

  Cloy pointed to the royal guard who was standing by, "You there, fetch us fey wine and a cask of dwarven mead. The one with blackberries."

  "What happened?" I was near panicked, and she was ordering a fucking drink.

  "Teletha is in the hands of Bolokbal and the Voice," she said gravely.

  "The Dominator," Arsch said, and then placed his hand on his forehead with two fingers, to ward away evil spirits.

  "The Deceiver," Princess Chibushka corrected.

  "Finally," Snarf said.

  "Finally, what?" I asked.

  "Finally, one of you pathetic imbeciles has properly named Bolokbal."

  "I liked you better in the caves," I told Snarf.

  Chibushka cringed again and whispered, "My gods forgive us."

  Snarf looked to the matron fairy and said, "I will consider it."

  Cloy rolled her eyes, and then turned her attention back to me, "Dykon and Pagtooth are in irons. Maritelia has been executed. Humans loyal to the Voice are enslaving all subs, and are making examples of anyone who opposes them."

  I closed my eyes and saw the visage of a man with a green hand on his armor. I had made a decision. I had gone against my gut, and as usual, I had chosen wrong.

  "How many dead?" I asked.

  Cloy didn't hedge, "Over six thousand."

  A moment later, an elf in livery walked in with a cask and a bottle, followed by a second servant with a tray of goblets.

  Cloy poured two glasses from the cask and three from the bottle. She personally delivered them to their intended recipients.

  "Thank you, goddess," Princess Chibushka said.

  Cloy looked at her, "Stop groveling, your divine commands it."

  Princess Chibushka immediately stiffened and returned to her normal self, albeit with a little hesitation.

  Snarf looked up at Cloy, "Really? I was enjoying that."

  "How does having a fey princess act like a wormling servant help us?"

  I looked at the two servants who holding trays and noted a little anger on their faces.

  "I'm sure she didn't mean you two," I said.

  "Alcohol relaxes the nerves. We have little time to act," Cloy said. "Drink," she commanded.

  I felt compelled to do so, and I slammed my mead. It was damn good.

  Everyone else did the same.

  "Can gods get drunk?" Arsch asked.

  "Yes," Snarf said, "When we chose to. You see, we are in perfect control of our bodies."

  I couldn't help myself, "If you are in control, then why do you look like a little bitch?"

  "My Dude! Please! I beg of you!" Princess Chibushka cried.

  Cloy let out a hearty laugh, and Arsch was practically rolling on the floor.

  Once the laughter died, Cloy once again pointed to the Royal Guard, "Fetch King Sykon, Queen Silia, and that woman who has somehow seduced my disciple."

  "At once, Your Divinity," the guard said.

  "Somehow, seduced?" I asked.

  Cloy just smiled, "I always hoped you two kids would get together."

  "What?" I was confused and pissed again.

  "It's a joke, Kevin. I'm actually very happy for you. She is a good woman, loyal, fierce, and willing to follow you anywhere, even to hell."

  "Which you will be headed to soon. Teletha is in turmoil," Snarf said.

  I changed the subject, as it was pretty fucking awkward, "So how have you guys been?" I knew she was a god since around the time of the dragon, but I still considered her a friend. I mean, I understood why she rejected my advances now, but at the time, she confused the fuck out of me. All of it became clear, though.

  She smiled, "Good."

  "So," I let the word sound out a little longer than it should have, "Disciple?"

  "It's just formality. It means I have claimed you, and any mortal who recognizes you as one of my disciples has to treat you well."

  "Except me," Snarf said, "Cause I'm a god."

  Cloy gave a Snarf a look that gave me pause. The look said, try it and find out.

  Snarf caught it, and I saw him physically shrink away.

  We sat in silence for a few minutes, before the Royal Guard announced the entrance of the King and Queen. Only myself, Cloy, and Snarf remained standing.

  "Please rise, and do not bow in the presence of divinity, unless it is to honor them," Sykon announced.

  "I love this place so much," Snarf said.

  "You are welcome to stay," Cloy responded.

  "I might."

  "Your Divinity has summoned us, how may we be of service?" Sykon asked.

  He had apparently been in the middle of something, as he wasn't wearing his official liege robes. The queen was also dressed in more relaxed clothing, and neither of them wore a crown.

  "Do you have everything necessary to perform a wedding?" Cloy asked.

  Sykon looked around the chamber, "A scribe and my scepter is all that we are lacking, Your Divinity."

  Cloy turned to the Royal Guard, who, in turn, looked to the King, who nodded. In a flash, he was gone.

  Ten minutes later, the scepter, a scribe, and Elly were all present.

  "What's going on?" Elly asked. Then she saw the King and Queen and bowed.

  "King Sykon, if you would be so kind as to join these two in matrimony," Cloy said.

  Both Princess Chibushka and Queen Sylia attempted to protest, but they were silenced by Cloy and the King.

  Five minutes later, and I was married in what I believe to be a very similar way as a Specialist might marry a stripper.

  We kissed passionately, but quickly.

  Cloy walked over after the King had performed the ceremony and placed her hands on our shoulders. "I offer my divine blessing upon these two mortals. If any god attempts to separate them against their will, I will intercede."

  "Uh, thanks," I said.

  Cloy looked me dead in the eyes and said, "You are welcome. Now that that is out of the way let's plan how to take Teletha back."

  Chapter 33

  We moved as a wedding/war party into King Sykon's war room.

  The entrance was a single stout, dark oak door banded with iron. Two Royal Guards in leaf armor stood at either side, their weapons unsheathed and in hand. They both raised their hilts to their faces and swiped down in perfect unison.

  "We are not to be disturbed," King Sykon said.

  "Except for wine and food," Snarf commented.

  Cloy rolled her eyes, "There is to be no gorging your face in here. We are planning an attack. If you do not wish to be involved, then go find a servant to coddle you."

  "You are not a very good god," Snarf said derisively. "What is the point of being a god, if you can't enjoy yourself."

  "Have you thought about, I don't know, maybe someone other than yourself?" I asked.

  Princess Chibushka stifled a gasp once again.

  "Like who? You?" Snarf responded.

  Elly whispered in my ear, "Why is here?"

  "I made a deal with him," I said out loud.

  "That's right, and until I break it, or circumstance precludes it, I get to travel with you," Snarf said.
/>   "For not wanting to think about someone," Cloy said, "You sure are interested in my disciple," she emphasized my disciple.

  "Alliances change, all the time, godling," Snarf said.

  We crossed the threshold into the war room. It was a circular, theater-like room with three tiers of seats overlooking a center round table. Three crystals were embedded into the edge, with slots for dozens more. A large chandelier made from antlers hung directly over the table.

  We followed King Sykon down and wound around natural positions at the table. Snarf, Arsch, and Princess Chibushka stood on the edge

  King Sykon waved a hand over one of the crystals and recited an incantation that I could not understand, save for the word, Teletha.

  The Military Decision Making Process or MDMP was everything I had to go off of. I had official training, but I wasn’t sure if it was enough. When I went to Hooah High, I learned a lot more. While I couldn't plan a full-scale war, I could lead company-level operations.

  "First thing's first," I said, trying to stall. I looked around for something to write on but found nothing. "Do you have a whiteboard?"

  "We can have a board painted," King Sykon said.

  "Sorry, a slate or something to write on that I can erase easily?"

  "Oh yes," King Sykon said and retrieved a piece of birchwood and a stick of charcoal.

  "This will work," I said as I began to scribble notes on the birch. I wrote out the eight troop leading procedures of receive the mission, issue the warning order, make a tentative plan, initiate movement, conduct reconnaissance, complete the plan, issue the final order, and supervise. I then turned the board so everyone could see it.

  "Is that an incantation?" Princess Chibushka asked.

  "Looks like a list," Arsch said.

  Cloy facepalmed and said, "They can't read English, no one can."

  I was a little embarrassed that I had forgotten that little tidbit. They couldn't read English, and I could barely read Telethan, although I was getting better.

  "Fine then," I said, easily wiping away the charcoal off of the treated wood. I handed the board to Elly and asked, "My Queen, could you please take notes?"

  The table morphed into a perfect three-dimensional representation of the large city. The green river flowed through the center, and I swear I saw little ripples of water. There were, however, no people, animals, carts, or boats.

  "Your Divinity, would you like to begin," King Sykon offered.

  Cloy smiled and said, "A king must do what is best for his kingdom, and receive counsel from those he trusts. Kevin will begin."

  When I was going to ALC, or the Advanced Leader's Course, on Fort Benning, Georgia, I learned a little bit about the Military

  Elly giggled at the honorific and happily took the board, "Of course, My King."

  "Get a room," Arsch said, playfully.

  "Scoutmaster, he is a king, and you do not jest with him as such," Princess Chibushka reprimanded.

  Arsch looked at me, and I just laughed a little.

  "OK, first things first, we need to know what our mission is exactly," I said. I wasn't going to go through the whole tactical task versus operational task versus date-time group thing, but I needed to layout to everyone that we had a clearly defined, obtainable objective.

  "Take back, Teletha?" Arsch asked.

  "Right, but what does that mean exactly?" I asked. I then looked around the table, "Does that mean go into Teletha with a giant army, go door to door and ask if they worship Bolokbal?"

  "Obviously no," King Sykon said. "There is no army in existence large enough to sack to Teletha."

  "OK, we're on to something."

  "Kill The Voice?" Arsch asked helpfully.

  "Please write that down?" I asked my bride, and then asked the room, "OK, what happens after The Voice dies?"

  There were a bunch of shrugs.

  "Come on, does he have an XO?"

  "What's an XO?" Elly asked.

  "Sorry, does he have a second in command? Someone, to take his place? Like when I slayed or slew or whatever the Archmage, there was no one to jump into the role immediately."

  Still more shrugs.

  "I wish we had some good intel," I murmured.

  We all stared at each other for a moment, each one of us weighing the burden before us, when I laid my eyes on the little bitch who was just humming and playing with his hands.

  "You owe me three answers."

  He didn't even look up, "Yup."

  Everyone's attention turned to Snarf, and he soaked up every bit.

  "Looks like Snarf is saving the day," he said proudly.

  Cloy looked at me and said, "Word your questions carefully, and remember, he cannot divine the future, nor can divulge secrets of other gods."

  Snarf looked up with a shit-eating grin, obviously loving the attention.

  I looked around the table for guidance and counsel, "Everyone cool with asking about any lieutenants or second in commands?"

  Once again, I received noncommital shrugs.

  "OK, Snarf, my first question is, is there anyone ready to replace The Voice if we kill him?" I asked.

  Everyone's attention returned to Snarf once again.

  He closed his eyes and concentrated; a blue aura surrounded him, and his skin began to vibrate. Finally, he said, "No."

  "Were the theatrics necessary?" Cloy asked.

  Arsch laughed a little, "You mean he wasn't channeling magic or something?"

  "No, he was just showing off like, what does Kevin say, an asshole."

  Arsch stared daggers at Cloy.

  "Any requests for the second question?" I asked the room.

  Worst war council ever, I swear. Blank fucking stares.

  "OK, let's get back to business. We can safely assume that if we kill Allstate Guy, then we can restore order to Teletha. A simple assassination and we're golden."

  "Simple?" King Sykon asked.

  "Sure, he's not bulletproof, I wager."

  "I sent four of my best warriors to kill the Archmage, and only one got an arrow off. The Voice was the head of his army and the head of his security. He is paranoid beyond what is natural, and only leaves his very well fortified tower, to slake his disgusting thirst for children."

  "Dudes a fucking pedo too?" I asked.

  The word pedo didn't translate, so instead of waiting for the war council, and I used that term loosely, I said, "Child rapist."

  "Yes, of the most vile sort."

  I didn't want details, so I kind of left it at that.

  "Great," I said sarcastically. "Alright, how do we get him into the open."

  "We could take the elf triplets as bait," Snarf said.

  The look of shock and horror spread around the table, as everyone once again stared, but this time in disgust at Snarf.

  "Dude! Not cool," I said.

  "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Arsch asked.

  "You are not a disciple gnome, speak to me like that again, and I will see your tongue severed."

  "Bring it, you little bitch!" Arsch yelled.

  "Gentlemen," I yelled, "You can't fight in here, this is the war room."

  "Do you want to retake Teletha or not?" Snarf turned his attention to me.

  "Not like that, dick," I said.

  Even Princess Chibushka reprimanded me at that time for yelling at Snarf.

  I tried to change the subject as quickly as possible, "How long has he been in power?"

  King Sykon answered, "Less than a hundred days."

  "So, his hold is tenuous at best?" I was on a roll. A plan was formulating in my brain.

  "Very likely," King Sykon said.

  "He's a dictator, which means he has to lead through fear, but fear is not enough. He needs to make sure his supporters are fed. He needs to make sure his supporters have resources."

  I heard many people agree, but I ignored them. I needed to follow this train to its destination. "If we hit his resources, he loses control. He loses control, he loses Teletha
. That's the slow death. He has to know that. He's smart. We hit him in the resources, and he's done."

  They all looked at me with blank expressions again.

  "I need a laser pointer," I said, which of fucking course didn't translate, so I said, "I need a finglonger," which, of course, didn’t even translate in English. Finally, I said, "A stick to point at the map!"

  "Does he always get this excited?" Elly asked the room.

  "No," Cloy said with a satisfied grin.

  King Sykon handed me a pointer and quickly tapped the five main gates and the main port. The pointer must have been enchanted because they all glowed.

  "We have two options, one, we surprise attack, hit him hard and fast. Sever the head from the neck. Or B, we attempt guerilla warfare, and choke the city." I bet you can't guess what word didn't translate? "Both ways destroy food and resources for the city, but one attempts to draw fuckhead out quickly, while the other one causes turmoil to the entire city."

  "Are the people you intend to rule, your enemy?" Princess Chibushka asked.

  "No," I said like a chastised child. I was a king damnit, I had a queen and everything.

  "Then it is apparent you only have one option," Ugly Manipulative Bitch Tinkerbell said.

  "I like her," Cloy noted.

  UMBTB brightened with the statement.

  King Sykon placed his hands behind his back, "You have your mission then?"

  I nodded with a satisfied grin.

  "You will need forces," King Sykon said.

  That was the part I was dreading, and although I wasn't ready to address that specific issue yet, I was mildly grateful Sykon had brought it up. I was grateful because I knew by his tone of voice that he was offering forces, instead of making me ask.

  "You will have two Rangers, twenty Rose Thorns, ten Pine Needles, and five Leaf Masters," Sykon said, and then frowned, "I wish I could provide more, but I must be prudent. Should you fail, I will have to defend my lands against invasion."

  "Dude, you are the shit!" I said, and then realized the slang. "I mean, you're great! That's very generous."

  "You will need a commander for the elven forces," Cloy said.

  "Elly can do it," I said.

  "While The Queen," Cloy said with the smallest of nods, "Is a fierce and capable warrior in her own right, she is no commander. She has a cursory knowledge of combined arms warfare at best."