I started to get heated.
Elly grabbed my arm and said, "The Goddess is correct, I am, err, I was, just a Rose Thorn. I wasn't even a First Maiden."
"I will find a volunteer," King Sykon said.
"What about Sir Tonna Greenstem?” I asked.
Everyone looked at me in confusion, trying to determine if I was making a poorly timed joke.
"I'm serious."
"Perhaps my court intrigue is incorrect, but I was under the assumption that you two were not on the best of terms." King Sykon said.
"No, you're right, but hear me out. First, he hates humans. We're fighting humans. I won't have to worry about him not believing in the mission. Second, while he is a giant douchebag," the word still didn't translate, "he seems to be pretty competent. Third, he speaks Telethan fluently enough to insult me. Fourth he could have injured or even killed me, but he didn't. That means that I can at least trust him to not put a knife in my back."
"My Dude, I am proud of you," Princess Chibushka said, "You have, in one stroke, taken a liability and turned it into an advantage. You are truly transforming into a king."
"Shutup baby, I know it."
I guess she was used to my quotes because she didn't even look puzzled that time.
"I don't mean to be a naysayer," Elly said, "But with our small force, formidable as it might be, I doubt we could penetrate that deeply into Teletha."
"Are we not saying phrasing anymore?"
When no one laughed at my obvious awesome joke, I said, "I have a plan." I then pointed at the dock, "No, wait, I have a Bob."
Chapter 34
I was exhausted the next morning. After the war council, we retired to our quarters with a plan, a timeline, and only half a day to prepare. Cloy had been insistent that we head to Teletha as soon as possible.
Elly said, and I quote, “We only get one wedding night.”
I didn’t drink, though; it was the first time in a long time that I wanted to be sober the entire night.
Needless to say, my usual roommates of Arsch and Princess Chibushka found different quarters. I didn’t even have to prod. We went back to the room, and they immediately cleared out. Arsch had the biggest grin in the world, while Princess Chibushka just left without a word.
A knock interrupted our morning ablutions.
I opened the door and saw Douchebag McFuckface. “Sir Greenstem,” I said with the warmest smile I could muster given the situation. He was not the first person I wanted to see after a great night.
“My Dude,” he said, putting his hand to his chest and bowing slightly. It wasn’t the insult from before.
“To what do I owe this honor?”
“It is time for you to inspect the troops.”
He wasn’t requesting.
I looked back to Elly.
“No, My Dude, only you,” he said, following my eyes.
“My wife,” I started.
“It is tradition. There can only be one leader.”
I looked at Elly, who gave the I don’t care shrug.
“Give me a second,” I said and invited him in.
I kitted up, kissed Elly, and followed Greenstem to the muster point.
We walked down the base of the tree toward the muster field. “What should I call you? What is your official title?” I asked. I didn’t want to just call him Greenstem or Douchebag McFuckface.
“My Dude may address me how he pleases,” Greenstem said.
“It would please me, to call you what you want to be called,” I said, a little frustrated.
“As you wish. Commander is my official title, the elfish word is Lotash,” he said without emotion.
“Very well, Lotash,” I said. I needed to ensure we were on the same sheet of music. I doubted I would ever call him a friend, but he was already a comrade. Shitty comrade or good comrade was yet to be determined.
“It is tradition,” he said before we crossed out of the main gate at the base of the tree, “to name the group, and create a warcry. I recommend a fierce animal, but not one that is intelligent. Do not use unicorn.”
I was starting to feel as if I had made the correct decision in appointing him.
We walked out, and he immediately took up a position to my left.
“They will salute, you will not,” he ordered.
“Kai Lotash,” I said.
He gave me a sidelong glance.
The forces were small, four units of the appropriate numbers the King had promised.
None of them wore the ceremonial armor I normally saw. The colors were muted and blended perfectly with the terrain. They all stood in a formation that would have made the Old Guard proud, all of them except the two rangers who just kind of stood there, twitching.
“The King has provided his best. All of these elves are proven warriors and are fiercely loyal,” Lotash said.
None of them looked at me with disdain.
We stopped in front of the two rangers, “This is Shimone and Tellia.”
They both saluted nonchalantly.
Lotash didn’t seem bothered, as if he was happy they were at least doing something.
“You will only see them again when they have something to report,” he said quietly.
We continued on to the remaining force. We had five swordsmen, ten archers, and twenty spearwomen. They all saluted crisply. The swordsmen brought their hilts to their faces, while the archers and spearwomen brought their left arm across their body while holding their weapon in their right. It was crisp and perfect.
“Do they speak Telethan?” I asked Lotash.
“Some do. I will translate for you, though,” he said.
The man was completely professional, and I was impressed.
“Our mission is vital!” I yelled, and Lotash translated. He mimicked my tone and inflection perfectly.
I don’t know why his attitude changed. He had done a complete one-eighty, and now I was happy.
“The scourge that is Bolokbal will be wiped from Teletha!” No one cheered, and I was worried what I was saying was not resonating.
“I wish to thank you personally for your dedication to duty. I know this task will not be easy, but we shall be victorious!”
I was finished, and my tone indicated as much.
The soldiers just stood, like statues.
“A name?” Lotash advised.
“We shall be called the tigers!” I yelled.
“What’s a tiger?” Lotash asked.
“A very big cat with stripes. It’s extremely fierce.”
Lotash nodded and explained. The troops did not move.
I was naming them after my alma mater, or at least my one year in college.
“And the warcry?”
“WAR DAMN EAGLE!” I yelled, just as I had yelled a dozen times before in the stadium of Auburn University.
Lotash looked at me in confusion, “Does the tiger have wings? Like a griffin?”
“Umm, yes,” I lied.
Lotash explained it again.
No movement.
“Recite the cry again, My Dude.”
“WAR DAMN EAGLE!”
In their best Telethan, a myriad of voices cried, “WAR DAMN EAGLE!”
A passerby would have no idea what they said, but their morale was there.
I turned to my commander and said, “Lotash take charge of your forces; we leave soon. I must go get Bob.”
Chapter 35
Lotash divided our element into three groups. There was what I called the HQ or headquarters element. Lotash called it the royal caravan. There was the scouting element, which consisted of one squad, and the rangers, and there was the fighting element.
Lotash divided the force up into five squads, with the two rangers being independent. Each squad consisted of one sword, two archers, and four spears. Now you would have thought the squads would be led by the swordsmen, but more often than not, one of the Rose Thorn took command.
The HQ moved along with the supply train, which consi
sted of three large moose packed down food, pots, and pans, and the very large, multicompartment, royal tent.
We traveled in the forest, unmolested. During our trek, I never once saw a single ranger or at least half of the squads. Lotash came to me twice, once before noon, and once after to give me a SITREP.
The HQ was guarded at all times by a single squad, and Lotash assured me of our safety. He insisted, and for some reason thought I would object to, the tactical decision that four of the five squads conduct parallel movements, several kilometers away from our position.
"The nearest squad can reach the royal caravan quickly. The squad assigned to your safety should be more than enough to delay any realistic threat before then," he told me. He seemed to think I would reject the notion.
"If you think that's the best, then I agree," I said.
Elly said, "Besides, I can protect my king."
"Who's protecting who?" I asked Elly playfully.
Elly put a hand on my shoulder, "It's OK, one day, you will grow old enough to hold a spear."
Lotash ignored our flirtations and said, "Thank you, My Dude."
The HQ element consisted of myself, Elly, Cloy, Arsch, and Bob. Princess Chibushka and Snarf decided to stay behind and enjoy the hospitality of the elves.
After about thirty miles, give or take, we arrived at a clearing with a small fire slowly smoldering in the middle.
"What's that?" Arsch asked.
"Gotta be a signal," I mentioned.
Lotash appeared from behind us, “The rangers marked this area for camp.”
Elly and I smiled. I was wearing full kit again, and my plate carrier was not light. I didn’t wear my ACH, so small blessings, but my shoulders were feeling the burn.
“I will send a squad to set up your tent,” he said.
“You will do no such thing,” I said defensively.
Lotash stopped and turned toward me. He wasn’t confused, just waiting to see how I would proceed.
“Elly and I can set up our own tents, and we can help Cloy and Arsch.”
Bob walked up behind me and said, “Food?”
Lotash had prepared for feeding the hulking cave troll, and said, “A ranger will bring a deer back shortly if you can wait?”
Bob pondered on this for a moment and confirmed, “Deer, wait here?”
“Yes,” Lotash said.
Bob went over close to the fire, laid down, and promptly began to snore.
“Know how to set up one of these tents?” I asked Elly.
Cloy pulled one of the canvas bags from the back of a moose and began to unfurl it. Arsch walked over to the woodline to relive himself.
The escort squad started unpacking the other moose as well. One of the archers, who I found out was the squad leader, set a perimeter, got the camp going, and started setting up their own tents.
In the army, we don’t really use tents so much as you sleep in the dirt in your bag. That works really well with modern materials like Gortex, but oiled canvas can only keep the water off of you for so long. The ancient forest, with the skyscraper high trees, produced a lot of dew over the night. Sleeping on the ground was a surefire way to get trench foot, hypothermia, and just a bad night's sleep. The tents were a necessity in the forest. Well, a necessity for everyone but Bob.
It took less than fifteen minutes to get camp going. A large cooking fire replaced the small fire the ranger had set up. A large pot with water began to boil.
My inner squad leader took over, and I grabbed Elly to make the rounds. I needed to see how my force was doing.
Arsch and I had been talking on and off all day, mostly about what Earth was like, and what I missed the most. The answer was always the same, music, movies, electricity, and plumbing.
Every room in Teletha except the gnomish halls were dimly lit. Candles and torches just don’t provide enough lumens.
“How are your elves?” I asked the archer who had been giving orders.
He looked at me and then Elly.
Elly translated, and the archer replied.
Elly said, “This is like the walk of a child. They are enjoying not having to be quiet.”
Half the time, I didn’t realize the elves were even with us; they were so damn quiet.
“Good,” I said.
The archer carried a longbow that was at least his height, so about five feet. He carried it strung, which I now realize means he was prepared for a fight. He had a quiver of about ten huge arrows on his back, and smaller quiver of maybe twenty on his lower back in a case.
The conversation was short and pointed, but I didn’t mind. I wanted the elves to see me as one of them, and not just some weird boss or benefactor.
I continued my rounds. More than once, Elly stopped to have a long friendly conversation with the Rose Thorns.
The sun set.
We made our way back to the fire. Bob rhythmically snored next to the crackling fire, and I couldn’t help but smile. Since the trial had completed, I had been in a generally good mood.
Arsch laid against Bob’s stomach, and I could see him drifting off to sleep. He had it worse than any of us, as his small stature was not exactly conducive to tromping through tall grasses. He was a Scoutmaster, though, and he refused to ride anyone.
I needed him to ride Bob; I needed him to be fresh. The elves were excellent in the forest, but I wasn’t sure how they would do in the city or the plains. Arsch, I was sure, could navigate the city easily, unless he was so exhausted he couldn’t think.
Lotash broke my train of thought, as he walked into the camp with a large deer decorating his shoulders.
“Do you think he eats it raw or would like it cooked?” Lotash asked.
He wasn’t being insulting, he was genuinely curious.
I shrugged, got up, and walked over to Arsch.
“Hey Arsch, the deer for Bob is here,” I said.
Arsch smiled, popped up, and took a seat next to Cloy.
I was happy to see the two were becoming friends. Or at least as close to friends that a god could have? I’m still not one hundred percent on what gods do.
Lotash removed his sword, which I found out is called a Grass Blade and cleaved a leg clean from the animal.
He put it on top of some rocks, close enough to the fire to start burning flesh.
It took less than fifteen seconds for Bob to sit up and look around.
Lotash laughed and said something in elfish.
“What did he say?” I asked, returning to my warm seat next to my bride.
“With a nose and stomach that big, he didn’t think it would take long to wake him up.”
I laughed a little too.
The archer, who wasn’t in charge, and had been stirring the stew, announced dinner was ready.
Bob understood that word of elfish, or at least the context, and started eating the deer leg, bone, hoof, and flesh.
We all paused a moment to watch the giant cave troll devour the leg. It took less than a minute.
Hunger quickly took over, and we hurriedly moved to the pot to eat.
Everyone kind of waited around staring at the pot, and I wondered if there was some sort of ceremony or prayer that I was missing. I mean, we had a god with us, so…
Lotash walked to me, “My Dude, we wait for you.”
The army has taught me a lot of things, but the most important thing was, my men, get taken care of first.
“A true leader ensures his troops are taken care of, once everyone else's bowl is full, I will take mine.”
Lotash looked as if to argue, but then let out the smallest of smiles, before informing the others.
Everyone but Cloy took a bowl, and we all enjoyed the hearty stew. It was thick, savory, and delicious.
“I don’t know why the archers are so good at cooking,” Elly commented as she sipped from her bowl.
“This is pretty darn good,” I commented, and then saluted with my bowl to the archer who had cooked it.
He gave a bow and a smil
e.
Our stomachs were full, and the conversation became light. Elly and I snuggled up to each other. She no longer smelled of berries, but I didn’t care, and I’m sure I didn’t have a pleasant musk.
Cloy came in close to me and whispered softly enough so that only we could hear her. “Enjoy the next two fivedays. Be loud, be happy, have fun. This is my wedding gift to you. I promise you, while in this forest, you will be safe.”
Elly looked up at her and whispered, “Thank you, Your Divinity.”
Cloy gave us both a look. The same look a mother gives when she is proud of her children.
I felt peace.
Cloy stood up and said, “I will retire. This evening, no Tiger will be harmed; I give you my word.”
As she said word, a mighty roar echoed through the forest, and I heard the sounds of wings flapping, big wings.
The elves didn’t seem concerned, so I didn’t. In fact, the lead archer removed a gourd from his pack and began to take shots.
Elly stood up and took me with her.
I grabbed my M4.
“Leave it,” she whispered.
I didn’t argue and put the weapon down near our tent.
She led me out of the clearing into the dark forest.
“Elly, I can’t see anything,” I whispered as I walked through the pitch. Actually, she walked, I trudged.
We went about two miles into the woods until we made it to another clearing. Fireflies, the size of my hand, illuminated a grove with twinkling orange lights.
In the center was a perfectly round pool ten meters across, and although I could only see it between flashes of lightning bug butt, I could tell the water was crystal clear.
“What is this place?” I asked.
“The grove of the forest mother,” she said.
“Sweet.”
“Death awaits anyone who enters the pool,” she said.
“Wait, what?”
“Come on.” Elly started jogging to the pool, stripping clothes as she went.
“Uh, death?”
“You’re under the protection of the goddess!” Elly called.
My beliefs became conflicted because, seriously, there was a lot of faith required. First, was it really death to those who entered? If it was, would Cloy’s promise truly protect us? What if it wasn’t magical, and just happened to have some piranhas in it?
Of Gods & Grunts Page 29