Then again, I’ve never been huge on not taking risks, so…
I caught up to the wife and grabbed her hand, as naked as I was born.
The fireflies illuminated her perfectly, and I could see every shape, every curve, and every hair. She was gorgeous.
“Together?” she asked.
We both jumped into the pool.
The water was tepid and clean. I instantly felt better.
“See, no death,” Elly said as she swam close to me.
I looked down and saw no bottom.
“How deep is this thing?”
She wrapped her arms around me and began to kiss me.
Suddenly I didn’t care.
We eventually made our way to shore, and the inviting moss surrounding the pool.
In the throes of passion, I noticed that we were surrounded by a host of animals like some fucking Disney movie.
There were moose, bears, badgers, wolves, everything. Every single one of them watched as we made love.
After only a few minutes, I reached my, uh, peak.
My Elly moaned in passion.
We were both overcome by bliss I had never felt before, or since.
I became unaware of the outside world, and Elly and I became one soul for what seemed like an hour.
I heard a neigh like a horse, and I saw a bright light, even though my eyes were closed.
We both reached a crescendo of pure cosmic bliss before collapsing into exhaustion.
I rolled to my back and looked up at the stars.
Elly muttered something in elvish, between panted breaths.
A pure white horse head came over me and practically scared me to death. It whinnied and then touched both of us with its single horn.
Chapter 36
We woke at sunrise. A fucking menagerie had encircled us through the night. Every possible mammal the forest had was sleeping all around us.
“Elly!” I shook my bride awake.
“Mmm.”
She put her arm around my chest and then pulled me back down for more snuggles.
“Elly!” I said a little louder.
She said something in elvish and then rolled over back onto the moss.
“Fuck’s sake, woman, wake up,” I said a little louder.
The entire grove was covered in quadrupeds, and I doubt I could sneak around them.
Elly sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She then looked around.
“What is…”
“Do we sneak out?” I asked.
As we woke up, I saw the other animals start to rustle.
Wolves, twice the size of a normal dog, got up and stretched. Bears twice the size of the wolves yawned and sat up like a person. There was even an albino elk with golden antlers.
“How do we get our clothes back?” It was more of a rhetorical question.
We sat there mesmerized by the scene for at least five minutes. Voles, foxes, rabbits, ferrets were all curled into between the large predators.
“I think we just go grab them?” Elly asked.
I nodded and then stood up. I gingerly helped my wife to her feet.
I pointed to the edge and said, “Think, that’s where we came in.”
Elly agreed.
We carefully stepped between a porcupine and a doe who were right near where we slept.
The animals that had stretched and stood watched as we deftly picked between woodland creatures and the edge. I made it about ten feet before I saw a fat boar lying on one of my socks.
“Should I just grab it?”
“I don’t know,” Elly replied.
I reached down as quietly as possible and pulled my sock clear from the underside of the swine.
The boar contested a little but didn’t move.
“One down, like ten to go.”
Elly held on to my arm.
I walked to where I approximated my other sock should be and found a fucking jet black panther curled into a ball with my sock under its face.
“Seriously?”
“Do you really need that sock?” Elly asked.
“No,” I replied.
Just as we were about to move on, the panther raised its head at us, yawned, and then rolled onto its back like a dog wanting its belly rubbed.
“I’m not rubbing its stomach.”
“Why not?” Ellie said, reaching down.
I was too slow to stop her.
“That’s a cat’s murder button!” I exclaimed.
She gave me a weird look as she rubbed the belly of the large cat.
The cat started kicking its leg.
We continued looking for our clothes. We were no longer afraid of the animals, and in fact, we often had to get them to move. They always protested but never attacked.
Within an hour, we located every bit, were dressed, and ready to head back to the camp.
As we walked out of the grove, we waved bye to the animals. Which was stupid, because they followed us.
“Stay,” I yelled.
Elly looked at me, “Did you think that would work?”
“No, but it was worth a shot.”
The walk back to the camp was a lot easier than the walk out, even though we had the entire San Diego fucking zoo following behind us.
We broke the woodline to the glad and saw every troop in the platoon. I figured it was the size of a platoon, so that’s what I called it.
Some of the elves pointed at us, and Arsch came running for us the moment he saw us.
“My Dude! Where have you been?”
“Umm,” I was at a loss for words. How do you say, yo bro, I was out banging this hot ass elf, and then a unicorn showed up, made me orgasm for like ten minutes, and we woke up next to a bunch of animals?
“We were celebrating our union at the sacred pool of the forest goddess,” Elly said.
I liked her answer better than my sarcastic one. It had the type of class only a woman could display.
Arsch’s eyes opened wide, and I saw him focus on something behind me.
Both Elly and I turned around to see the largest bear, I think anyone had ever seen, behind us. It was easily fifteen feet at the shoulder, while on all fours.
I’ve seen elephants at the zoo, and I’m pretty sure this damn thing could take one out.
Just to be clear, we did not see that bear at the pool.
We both turned around and held hands for reassurance.
The bear looked at us.
We looked at it.
It looked at us.
We looked back at it, frozen in terror.
It sat down and yawned in boredom.
I know you assholes are thinking, well duh, it's obviously another woodland creature that the pervert unicorn sent to guide you.
To that, I say, it’s a fucking bear the size of an elephant. What would you have done?
Anyway, once we figure out it wasn’t a threat, we returned to the camp.
Lotash came to us, “My Dude,” his voice was apologetic and contrite, “we wanted to send out a search party, but Her Divinity ordered us to stand down, and wait here. She ordered us to bring in all squads and the rangers.”
Then Lotash saw the BAFB and paused. He said, “Should I, uh, should I be alarmed?”
Cloy walked up, “I have made a deal with the Queen of the Forrest. She will guide us to the edge, in perfect safety.”
“What did you give her?” I asked, staring at the BAFB.
“Her life,” she said as she walked away.
Lotash, Elly, and I all looked on as she walked away.
“Well then,” Elly said.
“That wasn’t creepy,” I said.
“I found it disconcerting,” Lotash said in Telethan.
Not a moment later, the menagerie walked into the glade. All of the elves stood their ground, but I saw their fingers tighten around their weapons.
Cloy immediately spoke up, “The animals of this forest are not to be harmed.”
The elves immediately nodded in s
upplication.
“Lotash, Disciple, Queen of Spears; I will speak with you,” Cloy commanded.
It was the first time she had ever spoken like that, and I’m not going to lie, it bothered me a little bit.
Lotash and Elly came forward and went to a knee.
I whispered to Elly, “Get up.”
Elly looked at me with a sidelong glance and slowly got to her feet.
Lotash remained on his knee.
“We will continue through the forest as quickly as possible. No harm will come to us. Speed is necessary. Get us to the edge of the forest. The animals will allow us to ride them if necessary, but I need us in Teletha in less than three fivedays.”
“Your Divinity, it takes three fivedays just to make it to the edge,” Lotash said.
Cloy swept her hand among all the animals, “Even if we all ride?”
“How far from the edge to Teletha?” I asked.
“A fiveday, maybe more, if we follow the river. If the rangers can find a path to cut us straight towards the city, we could be there in a few days if we hurry,” Lotash said.
Cloy turned to Arsch, “On Kevin’s kit, as he calls it, is a small green pouch with a brass button. Within the pouch is a metal object that unfolds and has a white dial with weird ticks and markings. Bring it here.”
Arsch mimicked me by saying, “K.”
“Why do we need to be there within three fivedays?” I asked.
“I can’t tell you, Kevin, but you must trust me.”
Of course, I trusted her. Why wouldn’t I? I was her disciple.
Arsch came back with my lensatic compass in hand and gave it to Cloy.
The great thing about Teletha is that their north and south were very similar to our north and south. I wasn’t sure what the declination was, but it was close enough to not matter. I wouldn’t call in artillery or do a two hundred click movement, but I was fine enough with using their shit ass maps and general directions.
Cloy waved her hand over the compass and handed it to Lotash, “Give this to Shimone, and inform him that he must follow the yellow dot when he sees the black tree,” Cloy said.
“Yes, Your Divinity,” he said.
“Repeat it to me in elvish,” she ordered.
He did so.
“Go now,” Cloy said. She then turned to me and said, “Find a steed, and begin riding, the animals know where to go.”
Elly exchanged a glance and went for the animals. I jumped on a brown bear, because who the fuck wouldn’t want to ride a bear? Also, bears are more comfortable than deer.
Elly chose the stag with the golden antlers, because, to be honest, I didn’t choose it first. I chastised myself for not grabbing it and then chastised myself for being envious of my wife.
Bob, somehow, knew exactly what to do. He grabbed Arsch and jumped on the back of the BAFB.
“Regulators!” I yelled, “Mount up!”
Elly came next to me and said, “I thought we were the Tigers?”
I didn’t roll my eyes at my bride. I instead, and I am proud of this, yelled, “Tigers! Mount up!”
I heard calls of “War damn eagle!” or some semblance thereof, echo through the glade.
Minutes later, we were hauling ass through the forest like some fucking storm troopers on the forest moon of Endor.
Chapter 37
On our way to the forest edge, we camped from sunset to sunrise.
Like Korea, we knew where we were setting up camp because there was already the Forest Goddess equivalent of an Ajuuma. There were stacks of fish, a premade firepit, and piles of berries, nuts, and other fruit.
“Hey Cloy,” I asked as we approached the second premade camp, “Seriously, what did you promise her?”
She smiled, “The land you come from, there isn’t magic, correct?”
I nodded.
“On this world, when a god makes a contract, they must adhere to the contract, and they must keep the details a secret.”
“Did you sign like some sort of divine NDA?”
She laughed. “I picked the right disciple.”
“Why’s that?”
“You speak your mind, and you don’t constantly kowtow.”
“There’s actually a reason for that,” I said as I dismounted Charmin, my brown bear.
“Really?” Cloy asked as she plopped off a moose.
Elly rode up on her golden antlered stag and dropped down too.
“Yeah, really. I had a dream. Not like MLK dream, but like a REM style dream.”
Elly shook her head, and Cloy led her moose over to a pile of berries.
Moose eat berries, by the way. Had no fucking clue. I thought for some reason they just ate bark something like that.
Elly’s stag joined the moose, as did my bear. Apparently, everything in the fucking forest eats berries.
“You had a dream?” Elly asked.
I really wanted to say you’re out of your element Donny, but she was really hot, and also my wife.
“Yeah, God came to me one night when I first arrived in Teletha and told me to be myself. Like God, God, not one of the uh…”
“Fake gods?” Cloy asked.
“You said it, not me,” I said defensively. In the distance, I swear I could hear Ugly Tinkerbell cringing.
“The gods of this realm are not the same as the God of the Earth,” she said, and then added, “From what I understand.”
“Right!” I said.
“Is your god different?” Elly asked.
“I don’t want to, um, be insulting.”
“Your bride deserves to know about your beliefs,” Cloy said, not letting the subject drop.
“Where I come from,” I said as tactfully as possible, “We uh, we uh worship the creator of the universe. Like He created everything. Not just does the growing or suffering. Like He created, you know, pretty much everything.”
“You guys worship Pantodynamos?” Elly asked.
“That’s not what we call him,” I replied.
“What do you call him?”
“God,” I said.
“You worship a god called God?” she asked.
“There are other names, like He and His Son and the Holy Spirit, but for the most part, yeah, it’s God.”
Cloy looked over at Elly and said, “Pantodynamos. His society has forsaken the old gods.”
Elly looked uncomfortable, “That’s blasphemy.”
“Meh, Zeus and Thor can suck my nuts,” I said.
Cloy laughed and walked away.
Chapter 38
We arrived at the forest edge just as night began to fall. The menagerie remained and stood guard, so we decided one last night of relaxation would be a welcome reprieve.
Lotash had his squads set up a ring of tents in a clearing just outside the woodline. A large fire offered not just warmth and fuel for cooking, but also a spot to socialize.
Once again, the archers prepared a meal, and once again, I forced everyone to eat before I touched it.
BAFB, Bob, and Arsch frolicked around and played games of tag. Seriously, fucking tag. The bear chased Bob and nuzzled him. Then bob chased BAFB. Arsch gleefully played as well, consistently dodging and outmaneuvering his large companions.
Once we had our fill, Lotash ordered the grog to be cooked.
“Tomorrow,” he said in Telethan, “we travel across the plains. Reports say the oraks burn and loot with impunity. We must be careful, as even though we are many, the oraks are more.”
“I’ve been thinking about that,” I said, “I think we need to send scouts forward, so we at least have some knowledge.”
“Of course,” Lotash said as if I stated the most obvious thing in the world.
“No, I’m thinking we send our Scoutmaster and his bear.”
Cloy looked at me and nodded in approval. “You beginning to think like a leader again.”
“Thanks?”
“It is who you are, disciple.”
“About that whole disciple thing, w
hat does that mean exactly?” My only knowledge of disciples came from the Bible, and I doubted she wanted me to do anything like what they did. Or maybe not, I don’t know.
“For me? Nothing of import, other than be yourself.”
“That’s easy,” I replied.
“I’m a very easy god.”
“Are we not saying phrasing anymore?” I asked.
“What does that mean?” Elly asked, and then handed me a steaming mug of grog.
“Hmm,” I said, thinking of a way to explain.
“It means he is pointing out a,” she said something in elfish, that I was pretty sure meant double entendre.
“And easy means that you are capable of being bedded quickly?” she asked.
Cloy nodded.
She turned to me and said, “I would have had you the first night, had you seemed interested.”
I spit out the grog I had just taken a sip of.
“What?”
“Does that upset you?” Elly seemed confused.
“No, just, I.” I was at a loss for words. Our cultures were very different.
“I could tell you were interested in me, especially by the way you acted so awkward.”
“Huh?” I asked.
“Kevin, I am far older than you. Time has given me wisdom. Some men desire nothing more than to have a night of passion, and then walk away the next morning,” she said.
I felt myself blush. Was I supposed to say something about my wife being so open about sex? I mean, if Mimi heard this, she would throw Elly out of her house.
“Others, like you,” she said, touching my nose with her finger, “will be loyal to a woman who is loyal.”
“I’ve had one night stands,” I said almost defensively.
She smiled, “You’ve been with women because you had a physical need. I would guess you never lied to one in order to bed her. No, not guess,” she corrected herself, “I know you have not. You have a clean soul.”
Lotash studied me.
“When is the next full moon?” Cloy asked.
“Ten days,” Lotash said.
Cloy smiled. “Six days to reach Teletha?”
Lotash nodded.
Cloy sat back and put her hands behind her head and smiled. “Lotash, I would love a mug of grog?”
Lotash nodded, stood, and retrieved a mug.
“I do not wish to be rude, but why did you bring me the mug Lotash?”
Of Gods & Grunts Page 30