by S. J. McGran
Chapter Seventeen
Riley
My eyes blink a few times as the bright sunlight streams through the windows. I take in my surroundings feeling disoriented. It takes me a while to realize I’m not home, but in some strange place I’ve never been in before. It takes even longer for me to realize I’m not alone.
Strong, tan arms are wrapped around me from behind and for one second I take comfort in that, in, not being alone for once. I’ve forgotten what it feels like, how nice it is to be held. The warmth, the security, the intimacy.
But this is Rico.
And while he might be all the things I miss most in my life, right now he’s my client. He can’t be more to me than that. Not until I help him heal. Not until I help him get through these next few months.
It’s my job to help this man overcome everything this shitty life has thrown at him, it’s not his job to comfort and save me At least not yet.
Testing his grip on me, I move a few inches, his arm sliding back just a little. Another inch separates us as I place one foot on the floor. “Don’t even think about running, Kit,” Rico’s velvety voice washes over me, his arms tightening around me.
“I can’t stay here, Rico,” I whisper in a broken voice. “Thank you for last night, but I have to go.” Grabbing his thick wrist, I lift his arm trying to wiggle my way out from underneath him.
I get as far as a standing position before Rico grabs my hips and pulls me back onto the couch. Rolling me until I’m flat on my back, he props himself up on his elbow being sure to keep his free hand wrapped firmly around my waist, effectively stopping any plans I had of escaping.
“You’re not going anywhere until you explain last night to me.” I roll my head to the side catching his hard stare; his usually warm brown eyes are hard and determined, but underneath all of that is the concerned guy I knew couldn’t stay away for long. I want to evade, I want to turn the question around on him much like he does to me during our therapy sessions, but I know it won’t work. Rico won’t quit until I give him something.
His tongue sneaks out to lick the cut on his bottom lip, and it’s then that I realize just how much I owe him. His bottom lip is slightly swollen, an angry gash cutting it down the middle and his left eye is bruising near his cheekbone. Reaching my finger up I trace the bruise slightly, “Does it hurt?” His shoulders rise in a noncommittal shrug. Of course, he’s not going to admit it hurts, typical man. Guilt overwhelms me. Rico shouldn’t have been there. Our session ran later than normal and instead of leaving the second it was over he offered to walk me out. What does he get for his chivalry? A black eye and bloody lip.
“I’m sorry he hit you.”
His eyes squint in a glare, completely ignoring my unwanted apology. “Who was he, Riley? He said he was your fiancé, that true?”
My head shakes adamantly. “No, we were engaged, but I broke it off.”
“Why?”
Turning away from him I stare up at the ceiling, needing a moment to gather my thoughts, to find the strength to do this. Three people in the entire world know the whole truth. Or at least my version of the truth. Roxy, William, and my lawyer. Roxy only knows because she witnessed it. Otherwise, I don’t know if I would have had the strength to tell her. My parents don’t even know the truth. They don’t actually know anything that happened between William and I—I made up a story about him leaving me, but they don’t know the truth, and if I have it my way they never will.
When I told my lawyer, he looked at me with pity in his eyes. He looked at me like I was this weak, pathetic girl. Since then I’ve been terrified of telling anyone else.
But, I don’t have a choice anymore. I have to tell Rico. I take a deep breath through my nose before breathing it out slowly. I can do this. I can trust him. If anyone can look past poor decisions, and shitty pasts it’s this man.
“His name is William Stephens. We grew up together, started dating in high school and dated all through college. We were supposed to get married this fall. He’s always been a little high-strung. Determined to be the best. To be perfect. I think after he graduated college the pressure of the real world started to get to him. He started drinking a lot. Started to lose his temper quicker than usual.” I close my eyes as the memory assaults me. I can feel a panic attack coming on. I can feel my grasp on reality slipping, the fear and shame seeping back in. “Then one night he came home drunker than usual, angrier….”
Warm, soft lips brush my temple. Rico’s voice is a comforting whisper as his breath skims my ear, “I want to tell you that you don’t have to tell me. But, I need to know, baby. You were so damn scared last night, I can’t help you if you don’t let me in.” He continues peppering the side of my face with kisses, something I take undeserved comfort in. I know it’s wrong to get this close to him, to let him hold me and kiss me, but I need it. I need the safety he’s offering me, the comfort. “I’m not going anywhere, Riley. I’ll keep you safe.”
My chin quivers as tears fight their way out of my eyes. His words, his actions are too much. I need him at this moment to take care of me, and that scares the shit out of me. After William I promised myself I’d never rely on a man again, and yet here I am holding onto Rico and his words like I’ll drown without them.
Taking another deep breath, I spit out my story as fast as I can, “That night he came home he hit me a few times. I stayed with him—something I regret to this day—but I did it anyways, he was all I knew. He was the only man I’d ever been with, the only thing I knew. It continued periodically for a few months. Then one night it got really bad.” I pause terrified of telling him this part. I’m afraid he’s going to look at me differently, afraid he’ll think I’m weak, disgusting, used.
Rico’s strong arms wrap around me tightly as he turns me into his side. Resting my head on his shoulder I let him hold me for a minute, let him give me the courage to do this.
“One night he backhanded me across the face, I lost my balance and fell into the coffee table.” A sob breaks free, the words getting trapped in my throat for a moment. Swallowing hard I push it back, at least enough to tell him the truth. “Roxy walked in and found him on top of me, with his pants down…” I trail off on a loud sob. The most embarrassing, most humiliating, violating moment of my life, finally out in the open to the man I want to want me.
His entire body trembles beneath mine. I can feel the anger literally shaking its way free of his body. “He raped you? He fucking knocked you out and then raped you?” His words are harsh, filled with so much hate and disgust.
I start shaking my head back and forth quickly. “No. I think that was his plan, but Roxy got there before he could,” I mutter into his skin. I’m not sure if he can hear, or make out the words, but I need him to know I wasn’t raped. I wasn’t violated completely.
Shuddering at the memory I try to focus on Rico, on the present.
His harsh words and his anger stung slightly but, his actions hurt far worse. His strong arms leave my body stopping just short of pushing me off him. Standing quickly he paces around the room silently, his eyes looking everywhere but at me.
This is exactly what I was afraid of. I have no right to want Rico, but that didn’t stop it from happening anyway. I knew if he found out about William he’d never want me, I’d have no chance. Not that I had much of one to begin with.
I watch frozen in place as slams the sliding glass door open so hard it rattles. Stepping onto the patio attached to the living room, cold air rips through the house before he slams it shut behind him. Rico’s hands tightly grip the railing, his head is dipped down and shoulders slouched forward. I can still see the tension in his muscles as they rise and fall rapidly with each breath.
Sitting up I twist on the couch, placing my feet flat on the floor making me feel much less vulnerable. Twisting my hands in my lap I wait. And wait. And wait.
After twenty minutes, I finally give up hope.
With his back to me and his attention elsewhere I slide off the
couch, tiptoeing my way through his house. Grabbing my purse off the entryway table I open the door as quietly as possible, though, I’m not sure it matters much—I doubt he’d hear me leave anyway. Or care.
The second I hit the hallway I run at a full sprint down the stairs and out of the building. I have to get out of there. I have to get away from him. I have to leave my past in the past and stop hoping for a future I’ll never have.
Chapter Eighteen
Riley
A few days later I find myself standing in the middle of an aerobics room at a local gym with Roxy, surrounded by mirrors and women just like me. These are women that have been abused, used, and taken advantage of and want to stop it from happening again. Others are just smarter than me and are being more proactive by taking steps to prevent what happened to me from happening to them.
Not long after William’s attack and his arrest Roxy and I began taking self-defense classes. We went regularly for a while, and I started to feel a little more secure in myself again. A little less weak. A little stronger.
Then, life got in the way and we stopped going.
Knowing William is out of jail. Knowing he could get as close to me as he did made me feel like that weak little girl again. I refuse to give him that power over me ever again.
So, Roxy and I are back to the gym. Back to self-defense classes.
It’s time I protect myself—what’s left of me, anyway. Time to find that piece of myself that I lost when he hurt me.
Glancing over at Roxy I find her giving me the same looks she has been for days. The day I left Rico’s house I came home to a very pissed off roommate. She was pissed that I didn’t come home the night before without telling her I wasn’t coming home. Even more pissed when I didn’t call her and tell her what happened with William. Then, she got pissed at me all over again when I told her I ran out on Rico.
She tried to convince me Rico was just upset, that he was having a hard time processing everything I’d told him because he cares about me. But, she’s not me. She doesn’t know what it feels like to have people look at you differently—look at you like you’re weak, pathetic. That’s exactly what he did—he pushed me away like I was disgusting, unworthy of his attentions.
Who wants a girl that has been abused like that? That can’t even defend herself?
Well no more. I’m done being the weak, pathetic girl.
Squaring my shoulders, I focus my attention on the two large male cops at the front of the room. I do my best to soak in every detail they are teaching. I practice throwing punches, I practice jamming the heel of my hand into my attacker’s nose, and I practice my favorite move the “grip, twist, pull.”
“Oh, hell yes,” Roxy says next to me. “Let some guy come at me now. I’ll rip his fucking balls, off. Literally.”
I crack a smile for the first time in days at my friend’s always-positive attitude, and I admit the image of ripping William’s disgusting balls of his body helps improve my mood.
By the time, we leave our first class I already feel better. Stronger. I know I have a long way to go. I know I’m nowhere near ready to face an actual attacker but knowing I’m working on it, knowing I might be able to at least deter William if even for one second makes me feel better.
Stepping outside of the gym I take a deep, liberating breath sucking in the cool early spring air. Counting to ten I blow it out, slowly letting go of that weak girl. In her place is someone strong, sure, worthy.
***
Exhausted. That’s the best way I can describe how I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve been going rounds with my lawyer trying to figure out exactly why I wasn’t notified that William was getting out. I’ve been talking to the police as they continue searching for William for violating the protection order I have.
I’ve been working crazy hours trying to take my mind off my problems by focusing on someone else’s. I’ve been sleeping like shit, as worry, fear, and doubt overwhelm me.
I’d like to believe the self-defense classes are helping, but they don’t take the fear away completely. I still worry William will show back up, and that I won’t be as prepared as I’d like to handle him. I’m still doubtful of my strength—both physically and emotionally. And, I’m definitely still struggling with my self-worth.
Needless to say the nights frickin’ suck right now.
“Let’s go home for the weekend,” Roxy spits out randomly.
We’ve been lounging on the couch—something that has become a regular nightly occurrence for me. My days consist of work, self-defense, and then I come home and veg out in front of the TV watching chick-flicks and Sex in the City reruns.
Rolling my head over lazily I look at her with an eyebrow quirked, “You seriously want to go home?”
Home is the tiny town of Fairmont Harbor: Population 4,000. We moved to the city, which is about a two-hour drive from home, to attend the university here. In the six years we’ve been down here we’ve gone home exactly six times—for Christmas, and that’s it.
Don’t get me wrong I love my parents, in fact, I speak to them on the phone nearly every day, but I have no desire to go back to that tiny town. Our parents usually come down to Roxy and I, especially our moms—the shopping is much better here, after all.
Roxy just looks at me expectantly and I have no idea how to respond to her spontaneous suggestion.
The longer I toss the idea around, however, the more appealing it sounds. It might be nice to head home and relax, spend time doing nothing but letting my mom dote on me. I need to get out of my head for a while and let this whole situation with both Rico and William run its course so I can get back to my everyday, normal, boring life.
“Okay,” I finally concede, “Let’s do it.”
“Really?” Roxy looks shocked like she really didn’t believe I’d go for the idea. I’m a little surprised myself, honestly. When I just nod she continues, seeming to get a little more excited about the idea. “What time is your last client Friday?”
“I can be home around three.”
She jumps up off the couch, “Perfect. My last class ends at two; we’ll leave when you get home. I’m going to go call mom and let her know.”
I watch as she runs out of the room, silently wondering why the hell she’s so eager to go home. We go home once a year and she complains every time… for the entire two-hour drive. Something doesn’t feel right here, but I’m too tired, too preoccupied to think too much into it.
Picking up my own phone I press send when I get to my mom’s name prepared to hear her squeals of joy when I tell her the plans.
Home. Sounds better each passing second.
Chapter Nineteen
Rico
For months, I’ve watched Riley’s sweet smile. I’ve gotten lost in her blended eyes. I’ve gotten hard when she gets feisty with me. I’ve wanted her, ached for her. I’ve dreamed about her, thought about her when I’m out and something catches my eye—I’ve caught myself wondering if she’d like it.
And now, for weeks I’ve missed her. I’ve missed her smell, her laugh. I miss the way she’d touch my arm when she really wanted me to open up. The way she’d play music in the background and point out songs that were particularly important to her.
For months, I’ve begged her to let me in, to open up and when she finally does she runs away and freezes me out. Well, I’ve had enough of this shit. I promised her I wasn’t going anywhere and I wasn’t lying.
If that girl would stop being so damn stubborn, she would see just how much she means to me. Just how much I’m willing to do for her. I swear I will fight all of her demons, all of her fears, all of her insecurities. I’d protect her, and cherish her. Love her.
If only she’d give me the chance to prove it to her. Fucking stubborn ass girl.
When a large shadow covers the table I’m sitting at, I realize my friend is here, glancing up I smile at my best friend. “Sup, Roman.” He gives me a head nod and a fist bump before sitting across from me at the lunch t
able. “A few more weeks until the wedding, huh?”
“Yeah man.” Jared’s smile stretches across his face. I love seeing my friend this happy; he deserves a little happiness in his life. After dealing with shitty parents, jail, drugs and the loss of his friend he deserves love. I’m glad he’s finally found it, even if I am a little jealous. “So, what’s going on?”
“I fucked up with Riley, dude. I finally got her to open up to me, to tell me about her past, but fuck man I wasn’t prepared to hear what she had to say.” I fill him in on the whole story, everything Riley told me, the way that douche showed up that night. “The thing is when she told me the anger took over you know? I walked out on her and then she walked out on me. For weeks, she’s been avoiding me, freezing me out.” I let out a humorless laugh and let my eyes wander around the dining trailer taking a moment to reorganize my thoughts. Looking back at my friend, the only person in the world I’ve ever been vulnerable with, honest with and let him see the pain in my eyes, “I just want to take care of her, man. I want to show her that not all men are assholes like her ex. How do I do that if she won’t talk to me?”
Jared and I have always gotten along, always worked well together because of our differences. I get angry and I react. Jared takes a second longer than me to react to something, takes a second longer to think on things. I watch as he works through a plan in his head, works on the best piece of advice he can give me.
“Do you love her, Rico?” I balk at the question. Looking around I make sure none of the other guys are listening in on our conversation. I’m not ashamed that some girl has my balls in a vice grip, but I don’t want to deal with the repercussions that come with a bunch of sleazy construction workers knowing about it. I’d never hear the end of it.