by S. J. McGran
He grabs me around the waist throwing me back down on the couch. I let out an unrestrained laugh when he starts attacking me by way of tickling. We fall into a mixture of girly giggles and masculine laughter, and I swear it’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.
“Let me up you crazed man!”
After a few wet kisses to my face and neck, he finally pushes himself off of me. Pushing up I snag his t-shirt off the floor, pulling it over my head and letting it fall nearly to my knees. Walking toward the kitchen I let the already large smile grow at the quiet sound of appreciation Rico lets out when he comes up behind me. He wraps me up in his arms again, a place I’m becoming all too comfortable with, it’s likely to become an addiction if he doesn’t stop it.
“You look so damn good in my shirts, baby.”
“I know,” I say over my shoulder as I saunter away. Saunter. Me. There’s a first time for everything. His throaty laughter bounces around the room in response.
Opening the fridge, I cringe at the emptiness I find. The freezer is just as barren. Turning to Rico I give him a sheepish look. “So, I have ice cream, hot fudge, and whipped cream. That’s it.”
His sexy grin comes out to play and he moves to me in a move he’s long since perfected. The saunter might be new to me, but Rico owns it. “Oh, Kit. We can have fun with those things.”
Sliding down the cupboards I sit on the floor with my legs tucked under me and watch as he moves around my kitchen gathering all of the things we need for ice cream sundaes.
“No bowls?” I ask when he sits on the kitchen floor across from me with just the hot fudge sundae ingredients and spoons.
He just winks at me before pouring the hot fudge onto a spoon and dipping it into the carton of ice cream. “Open up,” he says, reaching over with the spoon in one hand and the can of whipped cream in the other.
I have to stifle a laugh when he pours the whipped cream into my mouth before giving me a bite of the delicious chocolate and vanilla mixture. Closing my eyes, I savor the sweet flavors.
“So tell me Rico Jones. What do you want to be when you grow up?”
I meant to keep the mood light but Rico’s face takes on a very serious look and suddenly I worry I may have once again pushed too far. “You know, no one’s ever really asked me that before.”
My heart sinks. It seems we’re both hearing new things tonight. Things we needed to hear. It’s one of the things I hate about humans, we need validation about who we are and what we can do from someone else. It’s also one of the things I love about humans, we’re capable of giving that validation, especially when it’s true and honest.
Covering the space between us by way of crawling I push the ice cream out of the way, giving me room to straddle his lap. Covering his face with my hands I will him to look into my eyes. “I’m asking you now. What do you want to do with your life, Rico?”
He bites his bottom lip, taking the time to really think about it, and again my heart breaks a little. Ever since I was a little girl, I knew what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to help people, sure at first I thought about being a doctor until I realized I hated blood—but I always knew I wanted to help people.
It kills me that Rico has gone this far in life, accomplished so many things, but is still so unsure of who he is or what he wants.
His eyes hit the floor, and his voice comes out quiet and shaky. “I enjoy what I do now. I enjoy building things with my bare hands, but if I had the choice I wouldn’t do it for the rest of my life.”
“What would you do?”
He glances up at me, his eyes full of doubt, “I think I’d want to help people. People like me I mean.” Looking up into my eyes quickly before looking away he adds, “Is that stupid? Too far-fetched? I mean of course it is. I barely graduated from high school, I’m the biggest fuck up… I have no right to help other people.”
“Look at me.” I wait until he brings his eyes up to mine. “You would make a great sponsor or meeting leader.”
“You think?”
“I know so.”
His answering smile is blinding. I know I was right about one thing. Rico needs assurance, someone to believe in him, and I’m going to be that person.
Taking the biggest risk I’ve ever taken in my entire life I whisper against his lips, “I could love you, Rico Jones.”
He doesn’t answer with words, and as the silence stretches on the more panicky I become. I start to pull away from him but with a firm grip around my hips he stops me. His delicious brown eyes search mine for a long time and whatever he finds in them he must appreciate.
His lips crash down on mine in a brutal kiss. Everything I said to him with words, he’s telling me with this kiss. He cares, too.
Rico and I are going to do this.
I’m going to fall head over heels for him.
I just have to pray he’ll catch me when I finally make that fall, and I have to hope he knows I’ll be there to catch him when he jumps, too.
Chapter Forty-One
Rico
July 2014, Independence Day
“Eek, I’m so excited to finally go out,” Angelica exclaims.
It’s the Fourth of July and we’re headed downtown to celebrate. There’s a big festival and then of course the fireworks at nightfall. This is the first time Angelica and Ryan have left their month-old baby boy, Chase, at home. The six of us—Ryan, Ang, Jared, Zhoe, Riley, and I—are waiting for Ang’s parents to get here so we can leave.
Chase starts fussing and Angelica lets out a loud moan before picking up her son with an adoring smile on her face. “Ry, can you go fix me a bottle?”
“Sure thing, Duchess,” he replies dutifully.
I used to hate Ryan, I was jealous he got the girl I wanted, but I couldn’t be happier for the two of them. They are perfect for each other. They push each other’s buttons, push each other to grow but are so loving it’s almost disgusting.
“I’ll take him if that’s okay,” Riley’s sweet voice filters through the room.
Angelica wastes no time handing him over. “He’s all yours.”
Riley walks over to Ryan taking the bottle from him before taking a seat on the couch, she moves Chase around slightly before popping the bottle in his mouth just in the nick of time. His lower lip started trembling just before she touched the rubber nipple to his lips, instantly calming him.
Riley’s face looks peaceful as she looks down at him, unable to tear her gaze away from his round face. Periodically she leans down and places gentle kisses on his hands and forehead.
Something primal stirs in me as I take it all in. She looks good with a baby in her arms, and an image plays out uninvited in my mind—an image of Riley holding our baby, cooing to him and kissing him, loving him. There is no doubt in my mind she will be an amazing mother. I’ve never met someone more compassionate, patient, full of love than Riley.
I was so caught up watching my girl I startle a little when a small arm wraps around my own. Glancing down I see Ang’s bright green eyes looking up at me, she smiles knowingly, and I know she knows exactly where my head’s at.
“She’s good with him,” she whispers. I just nod almost afraid to contribute too much to this conversation, but if I know Ang she’s getting ready to meddle anyway—with or without my participation or permission. “Do you want that, Rico?”
Tearing my eyes off Riley I look at my friend again. Jared is and always will be my right-hand man, but over the last year or so Angelica and I have become very close. Too close. But, when Ryan came into the picture our friendship transformed, too, and there’s no one I feel closer to, more comfortable with than her. Until Riley that is.
Knowing if I lie she’ll see right through me, I opt for the truth. Shrugging my shoulders slightly I give her a tentative smile. “Yeah, I think I do.”
Her emerald eyes sparkle as her smile grows, leaning up she places a kiss on my cheek. “You know you always have us but you deserve a family of your own. I’m happy for you,
Rico.”
I return her sentiment with a kiss on her forehead, watching her prance away and into Ryan’s waiting arms. She looks happy, content. But, she has no idea the inner turmoil she just sent me into.
“I’m, um, I’ll be outside,” I squeak out in the most unmanly way possible drawing all sorts of odd looks from my friends. Riley glances up at me to flash me a look of concern, but Chase diverts her attention by reaching his chubby little hand in her direction.
Thanks, little man.
Pushing through the front door I take a few deep breaths of the sticky, summer air. The sun is starting to set, and the farther it falls, the cooler it gets. But, it’s never comfortable in July in Ohio—the sticky, humid air always lingering longer than you want it to.
Even with the humidity I find it easier to breathe out here than in that tiny living room packed full of everything I’ve always wanted, everything I’ve always deemed myself unworthy of having.
A family? A baby? I haven’t even told Riley I love her yet, and I’m already thinking about her having my baby?
Too soon. Way, way, way too fucking soon.
But, damn Ang is right. I haven’t had a family in, well ever, and it would be more than nice to have someone, something to call mine. A wife, kids. Family.
It’s always seemed like a pipe dream, something I was never destined to have, but with Riley in my life the possibility seems a little more real. The dream is just barely out of my grasp now, instead of worlds away.
But, is that even something Riley wants? We’ve never talked about kids or our future, still trying to figure out who we are in the present. Pushing down the desire to make that particular dream come true I focus on what I have with her now. Maybe once I finally drop the L-bomb, then I can bring up future wants with her.
“You okay, son?” A deep voice pulls me from my thoughts, something I’m thankful for as I was starting to question everything I’ve ever had, currently have, and everything I want.
Pulling my head from my hands I look up at Angelica’s father, Chuck, from my spot on the front steps. I was sitting with my elbows on my knees, my head in my hands, looking about as vulnerable and tormented as a man can.
Angelica’s fox of a mom brushes past me with a gentle squeeze on my shoulder—the concern evident on her face, but her eagerness to get her grandson far outweighing her desire to have a chat with me. Something I totally don’t blame her for. Damn kid’s cute as hell.
Chuck, on the other hand, disagrees. Lifting his chin at me he silently commands I move over to make room for his large, former-linebacker body to fit on the steps with me. Without looking at me directly, both of us focusing on the kids playing kickball in the front yard across the street he gets right to the point. “You’re not leaving ‘til you tell me what’s going on.”
I stifle a laugh. Angelica’s family has taken me in, treated me like one of their own and it’s something I’m immensely grateful for. Shit, her father, continued paying the rent on my damn apartment after Angelica moved out just so I could focus on working, getting clean, and getting back on my own two feet. Who does that?
For a man that is so large, so intimidating he has the heart of a damn teddy bear. Something Ang and I tease him about relentlessly.
“Do you remember Riley, from the wedding?” I start unsure of how to word what I’m really feeling. At his nod, I continue, “It’s serious, I think. I was watching her hold Chase tonight and realized I want that. I want to have a family.”
“That all sounds like good things, son.”
I let out a long sigh ready to stop beating around the bush and get to the heart of my problems. “I just, I’ve never had a real family before—aside from you all—and I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up. What if I fall back into drugs? What if my past keeps haunting me? I can’t be a strong father or husband with all of that hanging over my head. I won’t bring a kid into the life I had.”
Reaching his muscular arm out, he claps me on the back. “I know that, son. And, the fact that you realize that tells me you aren’t capable of doing that. You’re going to be a great husband and father someday. You just have to believe in yourself.”
I’m quiet for a while as I try to process his words. My heart and my mind are literally at war with each other right now. I want a family with Riley so damn badly it physically hurts my heart, but I just don’t know if I’ll ever believe in myself enough to let someone that far in.
Riley has been hurt too damn much in this life I won’t give her something else to be disappointed in, hurt by. If we were ever to get to that point where we start a family together and I fell back into my addictions, I couldn’t handle the pain, the disappointment, the guilt. I can’t, absolutely will not hurt her like that.
Chapter Forty-Two
Riley
Walking out onto the front porch I can tell something is going on. I knew it the second Rico walked out of the house that something was bothering him, but looking at him now I’m sure of it.
He’s slumped over, his hands twisting restlessly in his lap, and Angelica’s father is looking at him with a mixture of concern and pride. I want him to turn around and tell me what’s going on. I want him to confide his problems in me, the way he so obviously did Chuck, but instead I wait. Hopeful that he’ll tell me eventually.
“Um, sorry to interrupt, guys,” I work to keep my tone light, plastering on a fake smile. “Everyone’s ready to go if you are?” I direct my question at Rico.
He just nods at me without looking at me and I once again feel like I’m on the outside of something important. Like a decision is being made that will affect me, but without me.
Chuck pushes off the steps and gives Rico a few reassuring pats on the back as he walks away. Stepping up to me he wraps me in a fatherly hug, his voice whispers soft in my ear, “Don’t worry, sweetie. He’ll be okay. Just give him some space to figure it out, okay?” I swallow down the lump in my throat and nod in response. “It’s good to see you again, beautiful. You kids have fun tonight,” he says in a loud voice, probably for Rico’s benefit.
Stepping off the stairs I stand directly in front of Rico, reaching my hand out I smile with everything I have. “Need a hand?”
His lips twitch, but his smile never fully reaches its peak as he places his hand in mine and lets me pull him to his feet. Thankfully the rest of the group barrels out of the front door distracting us from whatever the hell is going on. Wrapping my arm around Rico’s waist, I let a tiny amount of the worry melt away when his arm drapes over my shoulder, pulling me into his side and places a kiss in my hair.
***
After a few hours enjoying the party we find a spot big enough for all of us in the middle of the lawn for the firework show. The girls and I set out to lay down the blankets we packed to claim our spots, as the guys take off to get one last round of beers.
Kicking off my flip flops I lie back on the blanket and close my eyes. Despite the rocky start to the night, things turned out alright. Rico and I haven’t spent a lot of time together, but we’ve all been separated from our significant other for most of the night—the guys off doing their thing, while us girls did ours. But, every time I caught sight of him, or we met up with the guys, Rico was smiling and laughing, putting me more and more at ease.
I nearly jump out of my skin when I feel cold hands trail down my arms. Blinking open my eyes, I find Rico lying on his side staring at me.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. You looked beautiful, I had to touch you.” It’s such a Rico thing to say, something he’s probably said to me countless times over the months, but this time it feels different—his voice is quiet, his eyes sad.
Rolling onto my side I mimic his position, making sure he knows he has my undivided attention. “Talk to me,” I whisper, grasping his hand in mind.
His eyes rise over my shoulder probably making sure we aren’t going to be overheard, but I can hear our friends laughing and joking with each other behind me, paying the two of us little
attention.
His eyes close, and his forehead falls forward landing gently on mine. “You looked so good holding Chase earlier. It freaked me out because in one moment I saw everything I’ve ever wanted and everything I’ll never have.”
“Why can’t you have that?”
He lets out a small, humorless laugh and it damn near breaks my heart. “I can’t do that to you. This life has kicked you too many times, Riley. I couldn’t live with myself if I were the one to hurt you. What if I fell back into drugs again? I won’t do that to you, and I won’t bring a baby into that life—the life I was forced to live. I won’t. I can’t.”
My eyes burn, and my jaw hurts with the restraint of holding back my tears. Lying here looking at my sweet broken man I battle internally with myself. The therapist in me wants to discuss this, work it out, make him dig deep and realize—finally—how deserving of a good life he is.
The girlfriend of the broken man though wants hold him tight and make sure he doesn’t do what his eyes are telling me he’s about to. His eyes are distant, but the hurt lingers there and I know, just know deep in my gut, what he’s planning.
“Ri,” his voice is thick, full of emotion.
“Don’t.” Shaking my head against his I demand him to stop talking before he says something he’s going to regret. For a moment, we sit there silently while I plan the best way to the approach this, and while Rico tries to find a way to push me away.
Eventually, the girlfriend wins out.
Gripping his hand in mine, I squeeze as tightly as I can. “If you never remember anything else from me, if this thing between us ends tonight, I need you to know something. You’re important. You’re good. You deserve a happy life.” I sniffle as I finally let go of the tears I tried so hard to hold back. I’m not crying at the thought of this thing between Rico and I ending—I have to believe we’ll get through this—I’m crying because my heart is breaking for this man that doesn’t see who he really is. Doesn’t see just how amazing he is. “I don’t know what a happy life looks like for you, but I just know you deserve it. Figure out what you want and go get it, because you owe it to yourself to be happy.”