by S. J. McGran
Untangling our fingers I lean over and place a tear-soaked kiss on the corner of his lips, my body aching to kiss away all of his heartache. I want to be selfish and demand that he find his happy ending with me, but I care about him too much to do that. If I can’t make him happy, if at the end of all this I’m not what he really wants out of life then I’ll have to let him go.
“Don’t make me wait too long,” I whisper in his ear. Untangling myself from him I force myself to stand up and walk away. He needs to figure this one out on his own, and I need to let him. I have to have faith in what we have. Have faith that he cares about me as much as I care about him, and that he’ll come back to me when he’s ready.
With my head held high, I walk away from Rico. From our friends calling out my name. I keep walking determined to get to the main street the park sits on so I can call a cab, go home, and finally fall apart.
I have no idea when Rico got as deep under my skin as he is, how I let it happen, but my heart beats for him, the same as it breaks for him.
“Do you really mean that?” His scratchy voice stops me in my tracks. I can see the park entrance, the flashing yellow light letting me know a cab is waiting for me out there, but I have to do this. I have to give him the answers he so desperately seeks. “That I deserve happiness?”
Afraid to turn around, afraid to look at that devastatingly handsome face I give him the truth with my back to him. “Completely. Wholly. You, more than anyone else I’ve ever met, deserves a happy ending.”
When he finally reaches me, I feel his chest barely graze my back, his breath feathering down the back of my neck. “And what if my happily ever after is you, Kit? Do I deserve you, too?”
“If I make you happy, if you’re not settling… then yes, Rico. You deserve me, too.”
His hands wrap around my middle, his face falling into the crook of my neck. Unable to help it I let out a sob as I collapse against him. Even if this is temporary, even if he’s holding me to say goodbye, I’m soaking it in because I’ve never felt safer than when I’m wrapped in this man’s arms.
“I’ll never truly deserve you, baby,” he whispers against my skin. “Never. But, I’ll do everything I can to try. I can’t fucking breathe without you, Kit. I thought I could sit there and watch you walk away from me because you should want someone so much better than me, I want someone better for you, but I couldn’t do it. It hurt too much. I need you…” He trails off as emotion gets the best of him. I can feel his body shaking with each ragged breath and it nearly undoes me.
Extricating myself from his hold I turn toward him and wrap my arms around his neck, taking comfort in the way his arms automatically wrap around my waist again. “Shh, I’m not going anywhere. I need you just as much as you need me.”
Sliding his hands down my hips he grips the back of thighs and hoists me up his body, I wrap my legs around him instinctually, holding on to the man that holds my whole heart in the palm of his hands.
A loud bang echoes through the night sky, the blackness lit with an array of colors and the crowd around us celebrates their independence. Clinging to Rico’s strong body, I celebrate no longer being alone, no longer being afraid. I have Rico. And, he has me. Completely.
I’m no larger afraid of giving my heart to someone, but a new kind of fear settles over me as I cling to him. I’m terrified of losing my heart. Of losing myself. Because without Rico I’m not entirely sure who I am.
“Don’t ever leave me, Riley. I’ll be better. For you I’ll be whatever you want, whatever you need. Just don’t leave.”
“All I need is you, Rico. Exactly who you are now. Just you.”
Chapter Forty-Three
Riley
“Can we please have girl’s night tonight?” Roxy’s loud voice vibrates through my cell phone speakers.
The past several weeks I’ve been so wrapped up in Rico, in the newness and excitement of our relationship I’ve put off the other responsibilities in my life. Including my friendship with Rox. A girl’s night sounds absolutely perfect. “God, yes. I miss you.”
“Yeah, well that’s entirely your fault.”
I laugh at the bluntness of her statement. She’s not unwarranted in her blaming me. “I know that. I’m sorry. Where do you want to go?” I continue sorting through the piles of files on my desk while I wait for her answer. It never ceases to amaze me how much paperwork is constantly staring me in my face no matter how many hours I put in at the office every week.
“What about that new martini bar that just opened up downtown?”
“Yeah, that sounds good,” I agree, my excitement growing with each passing second. A girly drink and mindless chatter sounds perfect right now. “Hey, do you mind if I call Zhoe and Angelica?”
“Nope. Okay, gotta go. See you tonight, bitch.” Some things never change. Rolling my eyes, I hang up with her before I send a text to Angelica inviting her and Zhoe to meet up with us.
I hit it off with the girls pretty well at Zhoe’s wedding, but if this thing between Rico and I gets any more serious—which I hope it does—these girls are going to be a huge part of my life. They are Rico’s family, and I want them to welcome me and support our relationship.
Plus, I need to work on my feelings toward Angelica. I still feel slightly awkward around her knowing what I do about her relationship with Rico. It’s never easy being friends with someone who’s seen your man’s junk… especially when it’s as impressive as Rico’s is.
My phone pings back with a text from Ang and a laugh bubbles up at her dramatic response.
Ang: Holy shit! Yes. I need to get out of this house. When and where?
Me: The new martini bar downtown around 8?
Ang: Perfect. We’ll be there!
***
Pulling quarters from my purse I throw several into the meter I’m parked in front of, letting out a sigh as I make the three-block trek to Red’s Martini Bar. My afternoon was horrendous and the thought of drinks with my girlfriends was the only thing to get me through the day.
When I’m less than a block away, I spot Roxy’s blonde head bobbing up and down with the force of her waving and bouncing. She lets out a girly squeal before charging down the sidewalk in my direction. Her body slams into mine forcing a grunt from deep in my chest as all the air is squeezed from my lungs.
“I missed you, bitch.”
“Will you please stop calling me that?”
Roxy pushes away from me with a sarcastic look on her face and before she even speaks I know another joke or insult depending on how you’re looking at it, is about to fly out of her mouth. “Yeah, when you stop acting like one.” I’m left standing in the middle of the sidewalk, my head shaking back and forth, as she saunters away laughing at her own joke.
Damn, I missed this girl. A night out with her, and with the rest of the girls is exactly what I needed.
Walking into the plush bar I instantly feel the tension from my shoulders leave. The atmosphere is classy, sophisticated, but still fun and relaxed. This is definitely a girl’s night kind of bar. The walls are painted black with barely-there silver damask appliques. A unique chandelier hangs over the heart of the bar—it’s huge and bright red. The tables are black with upholstered red barstools, and each has a collection of candles grouped in the middle.
We steal a high-top table in the back corner and my judgment of this being a girl’s only place is solidified upon inspection of the menu. It’s full of finger foods, salads, and desserts. The highlighted libations are martinis and wines.
“Okay, aside from the boring jazz music, I freaking love this place,” Roxy proclaims, shocking me a little.
Glancing at her over my menu I gave her a shocked expression. Opting to give her a taste of the insults she’s been slinging at me all day, I tease her about her lack of options in a place like this. “Really? I would have thought the fact that there are only two guys here, and I’m pretty sure they’re gay, would have had you running right out the door. Unless of cour
se you decided to play for the other team in my absence?”
“Oh, yes I’ve been trying to fill the void you left by sleeping with girls.”
I laugh at her sarcastic tone. Then I laugh even harder when she shutters at the thought of not having a man in her life.
My name being shouted from behind me delays my rebuttal. Turning in my seat I see Zhoe and Angelica making their way in our direction. As soon as they reach the table I introduce all of the girls, feeling confident they’ll get along perfectly. From what I’ve been able to tell Zhoe and Angelica are both outgoing, blunt, and just like Roxy have zero qualms about discussing their sex lives.
“Figures,” Roxy mumbles when the introductions are complete. When we all give her a quizzical look she continues, “Your men are all panty-dropping delicious, it figures you’d both be gorgeous, too.”
Zhoe is the first to break the short, but still semi-awkward silence with a loud laugh. Once the tension is broken, we all join in laughing at Roxy’s perpetual bluntness.
“You’ve either only laid eyes on Jared and Ryan or they were oozing the charm the night you met them because I promise once you get to know them the attractiveness wears off a bit,” Angelica jokes.
“Oh, the charm was in full force that night,” I say jokingly. Although I completely disagree with Angelica’s statement—if anything Jared and Ryan have only gotten more attractive the more I get to know them. These girls are lucky their men are much more than just pretty faces.
Zhoe looks over at Ang incredulously, “Obviously we need to teach them a lesson. They aren’t single anymore, time to turn off the charm. It’s nauseating.”
We all share another obnoxiously loud laugh, stopping only when our waitress comes over to take our order. I settle back into my chair as I let the girly giggles filter through my veins, all of the stresses from the day disappear almost instantly.
Four dirty martinis and two cosmopolitans later and we’re finally getting to the good stuff. The girls taught Roxy and I a game they’ve played since they were younger, a game they’ve cleverly coined “Straight or Gay,” in which the premise is to pick out a couple and make up a story for them, where we guess whether or not they are gay or straight. In a bar full of women, it got interesting fast. In the end, more than half of the couples here ended up being gay or experimenting—including Roxy.
“Okay, be honest.” I glance over a Roxy wondering when she got so drunk. She’s slumped forward in her seat, her words slurring together. “Sex after a baby… how different is it?”
I just shake my head, grateful for the sound of my phone going off so I don’t have to hear the answer to this question. The screen lights up with a text, and before I even read the message a smile is creeping along my face simply by the name flashing on the screen.
Rico: Where the hell are you, Kit?
My smile falters slightly at his message. I’m not entirely sure where this possessiveness came from, and I’m not entirely sure I’m comfortable with it. After all of the fears William instilled in me it’s hard for me to let go. It’s hard for me to trust. It’s impossible for me to let a man have that kind of power over me ever again. In fact, I refuse.
Trying to push back my fears and worries I text him back hoping I’m simply misreading his text.
Me: Girl’s night.
Rico: Girl’s night, huh? I guess that means my bed is going to be empty tonight? In which case, send me a video so I have something to keep me company.
Me: You’re a perv.
Rico: Yeah, but I’m your perv. Call me when you’re ready to leave and I’ll pick you up.
Me: I’ll take a cab.
Rico: I’d really rather pick you up, but just make sure someone rides with you to my place, okay?
Me: Okay. See you soon, handsome.
And just like that my worries disappear. His sudden possessiveness must be out of fear. William is still out there. The cops haven’t been able to find him. They have nothing on him. Nothing. It’s terrifying. Frustrating. But, we’re trying to live. Trying to move on. We know William will attack again—we know it—but we can’t let that stop us from moving forward.
Shaking my head at my initial reaction I try to focus on what I know. I know Rico is not William, but it doesn’t hurt to have a subtle reminder every now and again.
As hard as it is for me to let go of my past, it’s even harder for me to let go of the keys to the steel barrier I’ve built around my heart. But, slowly my grip is slipping on those keys when it comes to Rico.
It really hasn’t been that long since we’ve been “official”, but for months I’ve gotten to know Rico in the most intimate, deepest, soul-searching ways. I feel like I know him better than I’d ever known William. Rico is so much more open and honest, and… real. Every second I spend with him I find something more that endears me to him. I find another reason to loosen my grip. Another reason to just close my eyes and let myself fall right over the edge.
“What’s with the dopey smile, Kit?”
I snap my head up at Angelica’s teasing tone. “How do you know about that?”
“Wait. He calls you Kit?” Roxy’s nose scrunches in a mixture of disgust and confusion. She’s never been one for pet names, and Kit is a pretty disgustingly cute one. I wasn’t a fan of it at first, but once he explained the reasoning to me I fell in love with it. “Why the hell does he call you Kit?”
My cheeks instantly heat as I recall the night he finally told me why he calls me that. Then I remember the claw marks on his table and I want to just disappear from embarrassment. Or, run back to his house and have him ravage me like that all over again.
Bringing my drink to my mouth I attempt to deflect, or simply ignore the question. I know Roxy won’t let this go, but I’m hoping the other girls step in and save me from explaining this.
“Jared calls me ‘Pretty Girl,’” Zhoe says simply. Then she slumps back in her seat with a perplexed look on her face. “Duchess, Kit, and I get Pretty Girl? What a shitty pet name. We’re going to talk about that when I get home.’
“Yeah right. After two martinis, the only talking will be of the ‘oh, God, yes, Jared’ variety,” Angelica mocks, her voice and moans growing with each teasing word. Zhoe gives her arm a shove before stealing Ang’s drink and downing the rest of the contents causing all of us to start in on another chorus of giggles.
“I had a boyfriend in high school that used to call me ‘Wifey.’” Roxy makes a gagging motion with her finger halfway in her mouth. “I never even told him I loved him. What the hell is that?”
I choke on my drink in laughter. “Oh my god, I forgot about that!”
Roxy gives me the finger before nodding her head in Ang’s direction. “So, Ryan calls you Duchess, Angelica?”
She sits straight up in her chair and grabs her empty martini glass, with her pinky finger extended she pretends to take a dainty sip before elegantly dabbing at the corner of her mouth with her napkin. “Yep. He said it’s because I always acted like I’m better than everyone.” I’m shocked when a love-sick grin and a slight blush creep along her cheeks. I’ve never seen her shy or embarrassed. It’s almost refreshing. Makes her a little more relatable. “But, now he says it’s because I rule his heart.”
Roxy sighs and Zhoe makes a gagging sound in response. I can’t help but laugh at their reactions—having gotten to know Ryan a little I have to believe he means every word, he looks at Angelica like there’s no one else in the world. It’s both adorable and nauseating… I guess the girls’ reactions were spot on.
“Okay, Riley. No more avoiding. Why does Rico call you, Kit?” Damn and here I thought maybe Zhoe would be on my side.
Groaning as embarrassment floods me I resign myself to the fact that I’m not getting out of this one. Before I can chicken out, I spit out the words as quickly as possible. So quickly they run together sounding almost like one word. “I-purr-when-he-touches-me.” I go with the least humiliating of reasons for the name.
“Pu
rr?” Zhoe asks with a shocked look on her face. “So, what? Kit is short for kitten?”
I don’t even have to answer before they break out in a collective bout of laughter. “Yep, and on that note.” I push back from the table, standing and throwing a few bills down. “It’s been fun girls. Get home safe.”
I walk out of the bar to the sound of my friends—old and new—having a hearty laugh at my expense, but I’m totally okay with it because I know I just added two girls to my short list of best friends.
Yeah, girl’s night was much needed. And very successful. Even if it was at the expense of my pride.
Chapter Forty-Four
Riley
The warm summer air hits me in the face as I push my way out of the bar, at the same time that it hits me that I’m far too drunk to drive. Turning on my heel I do an about-face deciding to walk to Rico’s place—which is just a handful of blocks away—rather than risk the drive.
As soon as I turn around I run into a hard chest. When a familiar and unwelcome voice rumbles in my ear, my spine stiffens and my blood pressure spikes. Fear races its way through my veins. “Riley. You should be more careful.” He starts walking backward dragging me with him. I glance around realizing the streets are eerily dark, and relatively empty, especially for a Friday night.
My self-defense training kicks in just as I start to feel panicky. Taking deep breaths, I focus on my surroundings, on what I can control. William’s arms are locked tightly around my body, pinning my own arms to my sides.
I have only one move.
Praying it works—praying someone, anyone walks out of the bar and sees me, I bring my knee up and jam it into his groin with as much force as I can physically muster. He lets out a grunt, bending forward at the waist to protect himself from even more damage. The move causes him to release his hold on me just slightly, but it’s enough. Twisting my body, I break free and take off back in the direction of the bar.