Roman Reunion (Destination: Desire)

by Crystal Jordan

  “Whether she turned me down or not is irrelevant. If she’s pregnant, she’s going to need help. I want to be there for her and for our child.”

  She flipped down the mirror and finger-combed her purple-tipped hair. “You’re that sure she’s pregnant?”

  “I’m that hopeful she’s pregnant,” he corrected. The lack of news had been driving him slowly mad. He didn’t know what that might mean. That Karen wasn’t pregnant or that she was pregnant and wasn’t ready to tell him yet? It could go either way.

  He turned onto University Avenue and sat through the many lights and obnoxious gridlocked traffic that were indicative of this part of town.

  Laurel’s fingers tapped a quick tattoo on her thigh. Always in motion, that was his sister. “You’re not going to give up on winning her back, are you?”

  “Nope.” It was going to batter the hell out of his soul to go through another confrontation like they’d had in Rome, but Karen was worth any hoop he had to jump through.

  “She’s allowed to say no, you know.” His sister twisted in her seat to face him. “Even if she’s knocked up.”

  “I know.” He drove through the Stanford campus toward the building with the gallery. “But I think she’s just running scared now. She doesn’t know how to trust me or how to trust herself with me.” He held up his hand when she opened her mouth to comment. “Yeah, I deserve that distrust. But I’ll never convince her there’s nothing to be scared of if I give up at the first sign of resistance.”

  Exactly when he’d give up, he didn’t know. But he’d seen the conflict in Karen’s gaze when she told him to leave. It gave him hope that he might still save this marriage. She’d admitted she couldn’t be near him and not care for him, so he needed to be near her and foster those feelings. He doubted she’d make it easy on him, but he didn’t deserve easy. Then again, as Laurel had said, he did deserve to be happy.

  His sister leaned over and popped a kiss on his jaw. “I’m rooting for you, bro. But if you fuck up again and hurt her, I’ll hold you down and let her kick your ass.”

  “Thanks,” he drawled as he pulled up to the curb in front of the gallery. “Your faith and support gives me this warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Kind of like mold.”

  Snorting, she patted his cheek. “Love you.”

  “Love you too.” He hit the button to pop the door locks and shot her a pointed glance. “Now get out of my car.”

  “Bye!” She laughed and hopped out, giving him a jaunty wave as she disappeared into the building.

  Within minutes, he was back on his way to Half Moon Bay. On his way to the future, whatever it might hold.

  It turned out Karen didn’t need to take a pregnancy test. She started her period on the flight home from Italy. Six days later, it was over, but she still hadn’t managed to call Tate.

  She’d gone home from work to eat lunch, but her best friends surprised her by showing up with take-out from her favorite Thai place. They’d hovered protectively since she’d gotten back. Normally that would annoy her, but she couldn’t say she minded now. She needed to feel not so alone in the world. With her parents still on their road trip and her brother away at college, that left her friends to fill in the gap. Which they’d done.

  Unlocking the door, she let them inside. They all had keys, but they stood back and let her do the honors. Then they spilled into the apartment and gathered around her coffee table.

  Rifling through the bags showed they’d ordered Pad Thai for her. “Ah, you guys do love me.”

  “We really do.” Meg gave her a wink and handed out plastic forks to everyone.

  They dug into the food, and it was delicious. Much better than the peanut butter and jelly sandwich Karen had planned to slap together for lunch.

  Julie swallowed a bite of noodles. “How’s the new job going?”

  “It’s only my second day, but so far, so good.” Karen rocked her hand back and forth through the air. “Still working off the jetlag though. My sleeping hours resemble a ninety-year-old grandmother’s.”

  Her friends exchanged glances, and of course it was Anne who voiced whatever was on their minds. “Speaking of getting back to normal…have you gotten around to telling Tate he’s not going to be your baby-daddy?”

  “No.” The food seemed to congeal in Karen’s belly and she set aside the carton. “I know I need to tell him. Just get it over with.”

  Anne grabbed Karen’s cell from her purse and handed it over. “Do it now, while we’re here. It’ll be easier that way.”

  She stared down at her phone for a long moment, emotion tightening her throat. “I just… This will be the end of it, then. Done. Over.”

  “If you don’t want it to be the end, it doesn’t have to be.” Julie squeezed her free hand. “I’m pretty sure if you said the word, Tate would be on your doorstep so fast he’d leave skid marks all the way from Palo Alto.”

  And that was a tempting thought, wasn’t it? Then again, she hadn’t thought of much else since she’d kicked him out of her hotel room. He wanted another shot at marriage with her. He still loved her. God, that was sweet and painful all at once. But her reaction had been knee-jerk, hadn’t it? He’d been dead right about that. Still, dwelling on it for days hadn’t brought her any closer to figuring out what she wanted.

  She shook her head, tapped his name in her contacts list and was sent immediately to his voicemail. So, he was either out of range for reception or had his phone turned off. It was a relief not to have to speak to him directly, but leaving a message about this kind of topic felt weird too.

  Swallowing hard, she forced the words out. “Hi, Tate. It’s Karen. I just wanted to let you know that I’m…I’m not p-pregnant.” The last word cracked, and she rushed to get the rest out while she still could. “So, you don’t have to worry about adding custody stuff to our divorce agreement. Just…wanted you to know. Bye.”

  And wasn’t that the most pathetic voicemail to have to leave? Tears started leaking down her cheeks the second she hung up, and her friends piled in for a group hug.

  “I am such an idiot.” Her voice emerged half moan, half whimper. “I really thought I was…that we’d…”

  The grief of not being pregnant overwhelmed her again. Not until she’d realized she wasn’t had she truly understood how very much she’d wanted his child. Mistake or not, she would have loved that baby so damn much.

  “No, no.” Meg rocked her a bit. “Wanting to have his kid doesn’t make you an idiot. At least this way you would have known the dad. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  Karen clenched her teeth to try to hold in a sob. “But I shouldn’t want anything to do with him anymore. We’re divorcing.”

  “Loving him doesn’t make you stupid, honey.” Julie rubbed a hand up and down her back, forced cheer in her voice. “And, hey, if Lukas can give love a second try, anyone can. His first wife was mentally unbalanced. At least we know Tate is sane.”

  A snuffling laugh erupted from Karen. “Yeah, he’s sane.”

  “And hot,” Anne added. She leaned back when everyone gave her a look. “What? You’ve all thought it too! Also, a solid sense of humor is good. But, you know, a muffiny ass doesn’t hurt.”

  “Anne!” Meg reached over and swatted the redhead’s arm.

  “I stand by my previous statements,” Anne said austerely, smoothing a hand down her sleeve.

  “Look, sweetie.” Meg leaned forward, her gaze serious. “If you honestly don’t want him back, that’s one thing. But if you’re not taking him back because you’re scared you’ll get hurt again… Honey, I’ve been there, and I almost lost Finn because I was too afraid to try again. Don’t let your fear run your life. Any guy you’re with will hurt you, and you’ll hurt him. That’s how relationships work, but the good stuff makes it worth it when you’re with the right person.”

  “So the question is…is Tate the right person for me now? Maybe. Maybe not. I haven’t figured that out yet.” But that was the first time Karen had adm
itted aloud that, yes, he might still be the right guy for her. She sat back and sighed. “I need to get back to the library.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to call in sick or something?” Julie asked. “You can keep me company at the yarn shop.”

  Shaking her head, Karen closed the lid on her leftovers. “I’d rather be distracted from…everything.”

  “If you need company after work, come to dinner at my place.” Meg gave Karen’s knee an encouraging pat. “Finn would be happy to see you too.”

  Anne grinned cheekily. “Or you could come over to my place and let the drama llama drive you up the wall. Then you’ll feel so much better about all your life choices.”

  “Wow, that’s quite an offer.” Karen’s laugh was a bit ragged.

  “You know me—I’m here for ya, babe.” Anne shoved her empty food container in a plastic bag.

  “Thanks. I think.” Karen managed a smile.

  “You don’t have to be alone, if you don’t want to.” Julie took Karen’s leftovers to the fridge, then helped tidy up the rest of lunch. “Lukas is out of town at an academic conference, so if you want quiet time, come to my house. We can watch bad movies and eat our weight in ice cream.”

  Ice cream just reminded Karen of gelato, which reminded her of Tate. Bad movies reminded her of him too. Everything reminded her of Tate now. She sighed, her smile fading. Without the possibility of a child, she had to be totally honest with herself about what she wanted. There was no blaming anything on the baby—if Tate was allowed back into her life, it was because she decided to make it that way, not because a child forced them into contact.

  Hours later, she was still in her new office, immersed in work. She let go of all her problems and focused on the library budget for the year and how funds were going to be allocated—print books, electronic books, programming events, staffing. Everything was on her shoulders here, and she wanted to do her job well.

  A swift knock made her door vibrate in its frame. She kept her eyes on her screen to finish the function she was inserting into her spreadsheet. “Just a second!”

  Instead of heeding her, Tate walked in and shut the door, then wrapped her up in his arms and held her tight. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

  The emotional rollercoaster of the last few weeks hit her with the subtle force of a sledgehammer. Being in his embrace again was so reassuring, so secure, so right. A sob broke from her throat, and she tried to push away from him, but he wouldn’t let her go. She’d spent far too much time crying lately, and she was at work. “Don’t…I can’t…”

  “I’m disappointed too.”

  “You are?” The raw pain in his voice stunned her, took the fight out of her. He’d never said anything about wanting kids, not the way she had.

  “Yes. I was really hoping we’d made a baby.” He rocked her gently, and she let him, took the comfort he offered because she needed it so badly.

  After a few minutes, she pulled back, swiping at her damp cheeks. “Why are you in Half Moon Bay? You didn’t come here just to give me a hug.”

  Though if she were honest, she wouldn’t mind the sentiment of that, impractical as it was.

  He arched his eyebrows and settled into the chair across from her desk. “Just visiting the public library in my new home town.”

  “Your new… What?” She gaped at him like a moron.

  His gaze followed her as she walked around and flopped into her chair. His broad shoulder dipped in a shrug. “My new home town. I just leased an office space. I’m looking at a couple of apartments to rent while I wait for the Palo Alto house to sell. Do you like your complex?”

  “You’re relocating your life? Here?” She felt like she’d walked into the middle of a conversation and had no idea what was going on. She’d turned him down on reconciliation—no matter how she might be reconsidering—and he’d clearly gotten her voicemail, so what he was telling her made no sense. “I don’t understand. Why do that? I’m not pregnant.”

  “So we’ll try again.”

  She sputtered.

  “Ah, you thought when you kicked me out of your room in Rome that I’d stay gone, huh?” He hitched his ankle onto his opposite knee. “Sorry. Nope.”

  Maybe it was time to reassess that whole sanity thing. “Uh…have you lost your mind?”

  “Actually, I have a clarity I haven’t felt in years.” He steepled his fingers together and a small smile touched his lips. “It’s an amazing feeling, really.”

  The familiar powerlessness flooded her. She’d felt this way during her marriage—like she had no say, no control. Nothing was ever on her terms. Her eyes narrowed to dangerous slits. “Didn’t I make it clear I can’t be around you? I have the right to kick you out of my life if I want to.”

  His expression sobered and he nodded. “Laurel said the same thing, and it’s true. But I have the right to fight for what I believe in. And I believe in us. I believe we are the best possible life partners for each other.”

  “It takes two to make a relationship.” She folded her arms. “Maybe that’s something you never figured out.”

  “Do you still love me?”

  The question rocked her down to her foundation. No, he was not taking control of this conversation by laying her emotions bare. “That’s none of your business. I’m not your wife anymore.”

  “Actually, you are.” His tone was deceptively mild when he delivered a killing blow. “I haven’t signed the divorce papers.”

  She stared at him so long he started to fidget, and she had to admit she liked discomfiting him. “You’re going to drag me through an ugly divorce? After practically shoving me out of your life, you’re going to make me suffer for leaving. That’s low, Tate.”

  “No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just…I never…” He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. He closed his eyes for a moment, sighed, then met her gaze directly. “We’re good together, Karen. We love each other. We can make this work.”

  The utter certainty in his voice almost swayed her, but it wasn’t enough that he was convinced. She had to be certain too. So, she laid it on the line for him. “I’m not sure I’d survive getting my heart trampled again in the name of your ambition.”

  “I swear that won’t happen.” The words were a low, soothing rumble. His fingertips tapped his chest. “I swear your heart is safe with me this time.”

  Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. She didn’t want fears to make her decisions for her, but blind faith wasn’t something she could manage. Not after all he’d put her through. “I don’t know how to believe you.”

  It helped that his voice was completely non-defensive, his body language open, his expression a mixture of remorse and entreaty. “I will do whatever it takes to earn back your trust and keep it, Karen. I fucked up. Over and over again. I have no real excuses, no justifications. I. Fucked. Up.” His chest rose and fell in a huge sigh. “But I’ve seen what life is like without you, and it sucks. It’s just…empty. It’s going through the motions and not really caring about anything. I hated every second of it.”

  Yes, a tiny part of her liked that he’d been miserable without her. It helped make up—just a little—for the misery she’d felt. “You didn’t want me when you had me.”

  “Yes, I did.” He leaned in, set his palm on the desktop. “I didn’t show it very well, but I did want you. I have always, always wanted you.”

  She let her head fall back against her chair. Time to really figure it out. What did she want? Yes, she’d left him, but her heart hadn’t quite let him go yet. Rome had shown her that the young man she’d fallen for was still there, but the mature version of Tate—once he was out of the office—ah, he was even more irresistible than his college-aged self. Now that Tate, the grown-up, not-obsessed-with-work Tate, was the man she wanted to be married to.

  But could he stay that man back here in the real world? People were different on vacation. So, the question was, did she want to take the chance that he’d revert to the Mini-Robe
rt she’d been shackled to for eight years? She was scared of what might happen, how badly it could fall apart, but she managed to set the fear aside for a moment. Logic told her no guy would ever fit her as well as he did. Plus, she loved him. Down to her bones love.

  Holding on to that was worth the risk. Terrifying, yes, but worth it.

  Because a lawyer never stopped arguing, he filled the silence with more persuasion. “Gio said that a love like ours is worth fighting for, and he was right. So that’s what I’m doing. I let you walk away once and didn’t do a damn thing to stop you. I’m not doing that again. The regret might just kill me. So here I am, and here I’m going to be. Because we are good together. Because we love each other.”

  “I never said I still loved you,” she pointed out. What? She couldn’t make it that easy for him.

  He gave her a lopsided smile. “You don’t have to say it. Not until you’re ready. You said you couldn’t be around me without caring. I’ll take that.”

  Oh yeah. This man knew her far too well. Also scary, but also good. “Tate—”

  After pushing to his feet, he came around her desk and knelt beside her. She swiveled to face him, and he took her hands. “I know I hurt you, and I know you’re worried I’ll do it again, but I won’t. I don’t expect you to believe me yet. But I’m still going to be here a week from now, a month, a year. Telling you I’m sorry I was such an idiot, telling you how much I love you, begging you for just one more chance. I don’t care if it takes me another eight years to convince you. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Her tone was dry when she said, “That’s stalking and harassment and…probably forty-five other crimes.”

  “Well, if you feel like taking this to court, I know a good lawyer.” His grin was self-effacing and he squeezed her fingers.

  She snorted, she couldn’t help it. “Smart ass.”