Not Everything Brainless is Dead

by Not Everything Brainless is Dead (mobi)

  “You really had me goin’ for a minute there,” Charlie said as he stepped up to the dolphin.

  “I do what I want.” Stubbs said as he kicked the dolphin in the head. The creature then lost consciousness and, a few seconds later, reawaked as none other than a zombie dolphin, chomping randomly at nearby ankles. With the occupant deceased, the suit powered down, including the force field protecting it. Freight then splattered the dolphin’s brains all over the floor. Then, with the butt of his shotgun, he smashed the device that opened the portal that brought the dolphin to this dimension in the first place. This wasn’t exactly an experience he wanted to relive.

  “I have to admit, dead thing, that you handled the situation superbly.” Greg said in compliment.

  “Why thank you, red thing.”

  “Now for this thing,” Captain Rescue said as he approached the red dezombifier button. He tapped lightly on the glass and then started pressing nearby buttons randomly. Luckily for him the glass opened, since his button mashing had an equal chance of vaporizing him and everyone else. He reached inside and pressed the button then exclaimed, “World saved!”

  For a moment, there was no apparent effect. Then, the entire castle began to vibrate violently. Anything that wasn’t bolted to the ground started to fall from shelves and topple over. The group grabbed anything within reach to help keep them steady. The rumbling ended abruptly as an enormous shockwave erupted from the castle and spread outward, causing every zombie on the planet to explode systematically in a shower of their own gore, shown in glorious high definition on the remaining monitors in the control room.

  Captain Rescue then turned to Stubbs and asked, “Hey, why aren’t you dead?”

  “I am dead.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “I’m special.”

  “Fine, I didn’t even want to know.”

  The truth of the matter was that the shockwave did not affect anything already in the castle. Thus, the great zombie extinction spared Stubbs. Just then, the last surviving lackey collapsed. A few moments passed before everyone came to realize that this was purely spontaneous and that nothing in this room caused it. Later, they learned that he suffered a fatal brain aneurism, which had sealed his fate from the get go.

  “Well, let’s get outta here now that the world’s saved… I’m pooped,” Captain Rescue said as they left the control room.

  “How are you pooped, you barely did anything,” Dr. Malevolent inquired.

  “Yeah, but there was some severe mental exhaustion.”

  “I’ll buy that, you do barely use that brain of yours.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Now that you’re done saving the world,” Greg sarcastically said to Charlie as he slid out his lamp, “fix this.”

  “I have no idea how to fix an ancient magical lamp.”

  “Then buy me another, I’m not really as picky as you’d think.”

  “And where am I supposed to find another ancient magical lamp.”

  “That’s not my responsibility to figure out, maybe the internet?”

  “Yeah… yeah…” Charlie said distantly.

  “So uh… how on earth are we going to get out of here?” Captain Rescue asked.

  “Just this once…” Greg said as he crossed his arms, blinking with a nod. Instantly, the heroes found themselves just outside castle grounds, laser turrets just out of range. They began to meander back towards civilization, almost at once, felt a rumble reverberated beneath their feet. The heroes shrugged it off at first, thinking that it had only been an aftershock from mass zombie extermination.

  As another quake rumbled beneath them, Captain Rescue spoke up, “What’s that?”

  “No idea,” Charlie replied.

  Captain Rescue dropped to his knees and pressed an ear to the ground, “I hear cheering, maybe our bigfoot friends learned of our triumphant victory over the forces of evil and are now celebrating in our honor. And really, damn right they should, we showed evil who’s boss.” He thought over his words for a moment, and then looked up at Dr. Malevolent, “Well some evil, not all of it.”

  She grunted, “Spare me! You’re lucky I didn’t kill you. You could have easily been just another casualty of the undead.”

  He hopped to his feet, “Does this mean were friends now?”

  “No.”

  “Why not? We make a good team!”

  “My undying hate for you aside, it’s just not meant to be.”

  He nodded, “I guess you’re right, I do love throwing you in jail.”

  “And I love tying you up and beating you until you scream for your mommy.”

  “Well then,” Captain Rescue said, taking a step away from her, “As soon as this adventure of ours concludes, things go back to the way they were.”

  “I can’t wait,” she said before looking at Charlie, “As for you, if I ever see that costume again, I’m burning it.”

  Charlie took his bunny head off, just so Dr. Malevolent could see the human frowning underneath.

  “Don’t give me that, the suit is a monstrosity. Just learn to be yourself.” She paused for a moment, “No scratch that. Be someone else, anyone else, I don’t care who.”

  The heroes trekked towards civilization (or what was left of it) with a great sense of accomplishment. Nevertheless, evil continued to brew, and a heroes’ work is never really done, and neither is a super villains for that matter, but in the meantime life could get back to normal. That is, once they put up a few internet ads to repopulate the city. That way, Dr. Malevolent could continue to pillage, steal, and conquer and Captain Rescue could try his best to protect the innocent and fight evil without accidentally getting himself killed.

  The Epic Log, or Epilogue

  Somewhere, deep in the seas of the distant future, a group of super intelligent dolphins monitored the situation on holographic displays that transcended time and space. On one, thousands of zombies exploded at once. On another, one of their agents lay dead on the floor of a fourteenth century castle. Needless to say, their plans for wiping out human civilization had gone rather awry, but as the old saying went: can’t keep a good dolphin down.

  “Whistle whistle whistlety whistle” (loosely translated to: “this isn’t over!”) one of them yelled as it slammed its fin against the underwater desk. While not a complete success, the dolphins still found their little attempt at human extermination rather fruitful. The thinning of the human flocks would make the odds of their next plan succeeding even higher. The dolphin swam over to another hologram and watched the story unfold further.

  Back in the present, a few dolphins stood before an army of bigfoot. They had just spent years training the creatures in the ways of war and convinced them that the humans were their enemies and their only purpose in life was to exterminate each and every one of them. The enormous poster held before the bigfoot showed their goal perfectly. It depicted a few stick figures, one of which labeled “Hooman”, and the other “Bigfut”. Dolphins never really understood the human fascination with proper spelling and art, those two facets of life had no place in their advanced futuristic lifestyle, but, even millions of years in the future, dolphins still enjoyed jumping through flaming hoops.

  The dolphins held up another poster with similar stick figures, only this one had the bigfoot towering over the humans, who had an “X” over each of their eyes. As the dolphins lifted the poster into the air, a thunderous roar of applause echoed through the cavern, shaking the very earth. They chanted exuberantly, “Kill all humans! Kill all humans!” The dolphins, movement slightly restricted within their massive armored suits, looked at each other and nodded, operation “bigfoot kill them humans” would soon begin, hopefully it would fare better than operation “zombie them humans”.

 

 

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