The Dumbass Demon

by Gary Jonas

  The flight attendant rose and walked over to us. “Would you like a beverage?” she asked. “Champagne? White wine? Whiskey? Soda?”

  “No red wine?” I asked.

  She shook her head. “We don’t stock it on board, sir. It stains the seats if it gets spilled.”

  “Whiskey on the rocks,” I said.

  “And you, sir?” she said to Michael.

  “He doesn’t drink … wine,” I said.

  Michael elbowed me. “Water would be fine.”

  She moved to take orders from Helen and Apollo.

  Michael stared at me. “Don’t be such a dork.”

  Apollo got out of his seat, and pointed at me, then gave me a come hither motion by crooking his index finger. As I got up, Helen slipped out of her seat and moved to the back of the plane.

  “Where you going?” Apollo asked her.

  “Restroom.”

  “The one up front is closer.”

  “The one in back has more privacy.”

  “If the Mako Clansmen don’t join you.”

  She walked down the aisle away from him without responding.

  Apollo took her seat by the window and patted the seat next to him. “Be a good dog and sit,” he said.

  I sat.

  He twisted his neck to watch Helen. I turned to look, too. She stepped into the back restroom and closed the door. I didn’t see any Mako Clansmen, and I didn’t see any of the muses.

  “I thought Euterpe was joining us.”

  Apollo shook his head. “I sent the muses away,” he said. “They kept trying to blow me up.”

  “The limo,” I said with a nod.

  He held up two fingers.

  “Two limos?” I asked.

  “And a beach house, but here I sit. I never trusted them. They’re not loyal at all. But let’s not talk about them. Let’s talk about you getting rid of your demon.”

  “We’ve been over that. He’s not hurting anything.”

  Kevin bounded over. “My ears are burning,” he said, and climbed onto my lap.

  “Get off me,” I said.

  “Make me.”

  Apollo punched him in the face and he tumbled off the seat.

  “Not fair,” Kevin said.

  “I want it gone, Brett. There are a few more things I want.”

  I sighed. “Such as?”

  “I want you and your vampire friend to be the main roadies. The Mako Clansmen will help, of course, but I want you and Michael to set up the stages and equipment. I want you to do the sound checks. And finally, I don’t want you on stage during any of the performances.”

  “What?”

  “I’ll play the guitar.”

  “Then why did you have me play on the song?”

  He grinned. “So I could take it away from you on the road, of course. No one will ever know you played on that song. I can play any instrument. I’ll let Michael play bass because he hasn’t talked back to me. I really don’t like you, Brett. You’re a lazy, no good waste of flesh. You have a demon following you around, you have no talent of your own, and you’re a complete asshole. So you’re going to be a grunt for the rest of your life. You get to carry things around for me. And if you bitch and moan about any of it, I’ll cut out your tongue.”

  He spoke with a casual calmness that told me he was serious. I took a deep breath, and weighed my response because I didn’t want to dig myself in any deeper, but I knew I needed to say something to stand up for myself.

  Before I got the chance, he dismissed me with a wave of his hand. “Go back to your seat. Helen is coming back now. She doesn’t like me, but she shows me respect. That’s something you’re going to learn to do.”

  Helen came up beside me. I relinquished my seat to her without a word.

  When I returned to my seat, Michael stared at me.

  “I overheard,” he said.

  I held up a hand. “Don’t worry about it. Let’s talk about something else. How pissed is Sabrina?” I asked.

  “You tell me,” he said, dropping into a more normal conversation. He took off his sunglasses so I could see the concern in his eyes.

  “Well, she didn’t say goodbye to you at the airport, so I’d say she’s beyond furious and bordering on murderous.”

  “You noticed that?” he asked.

  “I did.”

  “Not something you’d normally pay attention to.”

  “She didn’t talk to me either, but that’s not that unusual. She went into avoidance mode.”

  The flight attendant brought our drinks. I thanked her and took a sip of my whiskey. It was good. Maybe I could just spend the rest of my life drunk.

  The attendant moved back to Apollo and Helen.

  “He’s occupied for a moment,” Michael whispered. “What can we do?”

  “Nothing. We’re stuck with an asshole god who enslaved a siren, and who calls muses out whenever he wants, but then casts them aside when he’s done with them.”

  “And you think he’s going to cast us aside?”

  “No. And that’s the problem.”

  Apollo joined us and took a seat across from me. “My hearing is better than you think.”

  “How nice for you,” I said.

  “Not quite the level of respect you should be paying me, Brett.” Apollo leaned over to look back at Helen. “Hey, siren, get over here and join the conversation.”

  Kevin got up from the table. “Me too?”

  Apollo pointed at him and a lightning bolt struck Kevin in the head. Kevin slammed backward against the wall of the plane, then face-planted on the table. He pushed himself to his hands and knees, grinned, and said, “Thank you, sir, may I have another?”

  “Have this,” Apollo said and a metal clamp secured itself inside Kevin’s mouth so he couldn’t speak.

  He danced on the table and clapped his hands. Apollo motioned toward Kevin again and metal rods wrapped around his wrists, and pinned him to the wall of the plane.

  “Those vibrate on his level, so they ought to hold him for a while.” Apollo glared at me. “Your father sucks.”

  “At least we agree on something,” I said.

  “If you’ll focus your magic, you can will that damn demon out of here.”

  “Not sure how to do that,” I said.

  “You focus your desire,” Apollo said. He leaned out again. “Helen, get your ass over here. We need to discuss the tour.”

  “Discuss it yourself,” she said.

  His lips flared back revealing clenched teeth. “Don’t make me have security bring you over here,” he said.

  “Security?” I asked.

  He nodded toward the back of the plane. “Four Mako Clansmen in the rear compartment.”

  “Why are they sitting in the rear compartment?”

  “They aren’t. I have them in a tank.”

  “A tank?” I asked. “You expecting a war?”

  “Not that kind of tank, you moron. A tank of seawater to keep them fresh and strong.”

  “Oh.”

  Apollo stood. “Get up here, Helen. I’m not going to tell you again.”

  “Yeah?” she asked. Her words were slurred and I realized she’d been drinking before she ever got on board. “What are you going to do? Blow me to bits like you did Euterpe? You can’t kill me.”

  “Euterpe will reconstitute in a hundred years or so. She should have checked the bombs she was setting in the beach house.”

  “Why don’t you blow me to bits?”

  “Because I’d rather make your existence miserable.”

  “You already did that.”

  “You two want some alone time?” I asked.

  “Sky waitress,” Helen called. “Can you bring me another yummy hurricane? More pineapple juice and lots more rum this time. Oh, and an extra cherry!”

  “Is it wise to drink hurricanes in Galveston?” I asked. “Wouldn’t want to attract any of them.”

  “We’re not in Galveston anymore,” she said. “And I can drink any da
mn thing I want.”

  Apollo walked over to her chair and yanked her to her feet.

  “Get your paws off me, you overbearing bore!” she yelled.

  He ignored her protests and dragged her forward. She dropped her glass. It broke on the floor scattering ice cubes, shards of glass and a pineapple slice in the aisle. She slapped at him, but he didn’t seem to mind getting hit. He pulled her to the other seat and threw her into it. She came right out of it, swinging, and he slapped her.

  She froze for an instant then sat down.

  “Don’t hit a woman,” I said, rising.

  “She’s not even human, you idiot,” Apollo said.

  “She used to be.”

  “How gallant,” he said, and punched me in the nose.

  My head snapped back and I stood there stunned. I clutched at my nose and sat down, pain flaring through my face. “Ow!” I said.

  “You all right?” Michael asked.

  “I’m a napper, not a fighter,” I said, rubbing my nose. My eyesight was blurred, so I blinked a few times and opened my mouth, twisting my face to try and shake off the pain. I forced myself to get up anyway.

  “Really?” Apollo asked.

  “I can’t sit by and let you hit a female whether or not she’s human.”

  Apollo shoved me back into the seat and the seatbelt magically wrapped around me. I tried to unfasten it, but it wouldn’t budge. “I hate magic,” I said. I kept struggling, but the belt simply tightened around me.

  “Is it your turn, vampire?” Apollo asked.

  Michael shook his head. “Not my fight. I’m just here to play bass on the tour, collect my money, get my cure, and go home.”

  “Who said you get to go home?” Apollo asked.

  “What do you mean?” Michael asked.

  “Didn’t you read your contract?”

  “I didn’t sign a contract. In fact, I was going to ask about that.” Michael turned to me. “Did you sign a contract?”

  I shook my head. “Nope. Can you help me with this damn seatbelt?”

  “Use your magic,” Michael said.

  “Use your super vampire strength, man.”

  But Michael was focused on Apollo. At least the conversation distracted Apollo from hitting Helen. “We didn’t sign a contract,” Michael said.

  Apollo did a magician’s flourish with his hands and two long contracts unfurled from his palms. He shook them out and held them up. “Is this your signature?”

  Michael leaned in and looked. “But I didn’t sign anything.”

  “Tell that to the judge.”

  I looked at the other contract and saw my signature at the bottom. It went in and out of focus for a moment, but it was definitely my scribble. And I knew I hadn’t signed anything either.

  Michael snatched the contract from Apollo’s hand and ripped it to shreds.

  Apollo laughed, twirled his hand and another signed copy appeared. “Want to tear this one up, too? I can do this all day.”

  “This is bullshit,” Michael said. “I didn’t sign this.”

  “Might want to give it a read,” Apollo said, slapping it down on Michael’s lap. He stabbed a clause. “This is a pretty good place to start.”

  Michael scanned it. “What the hell? This makes me your slave for all eternity.”

  “Being my slave has certain privileges, though,” Apollo said. “If you stay in my good graces, you can have all the women you want, plenty of money, you’ll never get sick, you’ll have eternal life. So you have to do things for me from time to time. It’s a fair trade.”

  “No it’s not,” Helen said.

  “We didn’t agree to these,” I said, still trying to get the seatbelt off.

  “By stepping aboard this plane you did. Yours is considerably shorter term than your vampire friend’s because I don’t like you. I think I’ll enjoy making you do things, though, so until I get bored, you’ll get to suffer.”

  “Nobody told us that,” Michael said.

  “Oh, I’d be happy to cancel the contract anytime between here and New York,” he said.

  “Then cancel the damn thing,” Michael said.

  “Very well. If you’ll step up to the front of the plane, I’ll open the door and pitch you out so you fly into the engine. I’m not as up on vampire lore as I probably should be, but I suspect that would be fatal even to you.”

  “Forget that.”

  “Before I saw a TV show called Preacher I might have just tossed you out and let you fall, but I won’t take the chance that you’d survive the way the character in the show did.”

  “Based on a comic book,” I said, thinking of Demetrius.

  “Who cares?” Apollo asked, and pointed at Michael. “What do you say, vampire? I could dive into that engine and reconstitute myself. Can you?”

  Michael didn’t say anything.

  “I didn’t think so,” Apollo said. He looked at me. “What about you, wizard boy? Think you can figure out how to use magic in time to save your ass from the engine?”

  I shook my head. “I can’t even figure out how to get rid of a dumbass demon.”

  “You’re the dumbass,” Kevin said, having phased through the metal gag and rods. “You can’t even figure out how to unfasten a seatbelt.”

  “Shut up, demon,” Apollo said and blasted him with another bolt of lightning.

  Kevin rolled off the table, got up and did a little jig. “That was invigorating!”

  “Maybe I can feed you to the shark men,” Apollo said.

  “Can they operate on my frequency?” Kevin asked. “If it spares me from hearing you rant and rave it might be worth it.”

  Apollo reared back to hurl another bolt, but Kevin puffed out his chest and smiled, opening his arms wide. “Light me up, baby!”

  “Just don’t miss,” I said. “Don’t want to blow a hole in the plane.”

  “Sky waitress?” Helen shouted. “Where the hell is my drink?”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Apollo stared at Kevin, but didn’t attack. The flight attendant brought another hurricane to Helen.

  “Anyone else need anything?” the flight attendant asked. Her voice held a note of uncertainty.

  “We’re fine,” Apollo said. “You can go sit down and take a break.”

  “As you wish,” she said and backed away.

  When she was gone, Apollo frowned. “I’m beginning to think I should have simply used local musicians at each stop.”

  “You still can,” Helen said. “You can do any damn thing you want. You’re a freaking god, for fuck’s sake.”

  “Freaking?” I said.

  She shrugged. “I don’t like cussing.”

  “You just said for fuck’s sake.”

  “Did I?”

  I nodded.

  “I must be drunk.”

  “You think?”

  “Wonderful,” Apollo said. “Just what we need. A drunk siren.”

  “You shut up,” Helen said. “I’m not that drunk. I still have my wits around here somewhere. You try and take advantage of me and I’ll … I’ll … well, I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe laugh?”

  “At what?” Apollo asked.

  “Your teeny tiny dick,” she said, holding her index finger and thumb a quarter inch apart. “You can’t please a woman with something that small.”

  “And the truth comes out,” Kevin said.

  “Shut up, demon,” Apollo said. “Women like small penises.”

  “Who told you that?” Helen asked. “Oh, yeah, the women you were fucking back in the day. Don’t offend the god. He has a temper. Oh yes, sir, we like them small. The smaller the better.”

  “Hey, Apollo,” Kevin said. “I’ll bet the four words you hear most often in the bedroom are, ‘Is it in yet?’ Am I right?”

  “Yes, little demon man,” Helen said. “That’s exactly right. It’s pathetic.”

  Apollo turned red.

  Michael glanced at me. “You were serious about him having a little di
ck?”

  “Smallest I’ve ever seen,” I said.

  “Smaller is better,” Apollo said.

  “For who?” Helen asked.

  “I don’t like you when you’re drunk,” he said.

  “I don’t like you when I’m drunk,” Helen said, “but then, I don’t like you when I’m sober either. Why do you think all the women you were with kept going to the taverns? So we could meet barbarians with dicks large enough to please us. We like to feel something.”

  “That’s not true,” Apollo said.

  “You know it’s true.”

  Kevin dropped his drawers and waved his tool around. “Here you go, baby.”

  “Put that thing away!” Apollo said.

  “I don’t do demons,” Helen said. “And there is such a thing as too big.”

  “I can adjust it,” Kevin said.

  “Not a chance.”

  “Damn,” Kevin said. “Can’t blame a demon for trying.”

  “Enough of this!” Apollo yelled. He clenched his fists and shook them.

  I hoped he wouldn’t attack me. Kevin was right. I couldn’t even unfasten a damn seatbelt. I didn’t want to get hit again.

  “You’re never enough,” Helen said.

  “You bitch!” Apollo yelled and threw a punch.

  Helen dodged it and Apollo’s fist went right through the window.

  Air hissed through the broken window, but unlike the movies, we didn’t lose cabin pressure and the side of the plane didn’t suddenly break away.

  “Missed me,” Helen said.

  He grabbed her by the throat.

  Michael jumped up. “This is too much.” He kicked Apollo in the side, jumped up and tried to punch him.

  Apollo punched Michael first.

  Michael fell backward, but charged again.

  Kevin jumped on Apollo’s back.

  Apollo flipped Kevin over his shoulder. Kevin landed on Helen.

  “Hi, baby,” Kevin said.

  “I think I’m going to throw up,” Helen said.

  Michael punched Apollo in the face, followed with an uppercut to the chin.

  Apollo took the punches without budging. Then he grabbed Michael and hurled him down the aisle. Michael smashed into one of the seats, then caught himself.

  “You should get in on this, Brett,” Kevin said as he tried to get up.