by Lois Richer
“Legally, you mean.” Was that hope dawning?
“I mean you were not responsible in any way, shape or form. Not legally and not morally,” David insisted. “You were a child, as your sisters were. The guilty person was your mother, Susannah.”
“No.” She shook her head with determination. “She couldn’t help it. When my dad walked out she was so hurt. She was always crying.”
“So she got drunk to dull the pain?”
“I guess so.” Susannah blinked away the tears. “She fell asleep that day and…it wasn’t her fault. I should have been there.” She shrugged dully. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Yes, it does.” David had to make her see it. “It matters a lot. You cut your mother plenty of slack, but you can’t do that for yourself?”
“I don’t deserve it.”
“Why don’t you? You were a child.” He swallowed hard, then spoke the words he knew in his heart were true. “She told you it was your fault, didn’t she? Your mom blamed you?”
“Yes,” Susannah whispered. “But she was right—”
“She was wrong,” he said, his anger burning white-hot. “So wrong.”
“No.” Susannah shook her head. “She was in pain. She didn’t know, didn’t realize that I wasn’t there—”
“But she should have, don’t you see? She was the one who was responsible for taking care of the three of you and she dumped that duty on you, a young child.” He could hardly speak, so infuriated was he at this woman who had so wounded her own grieving child.
“She must have thought I was home to watch them,” she murmured.
“You told her you were leaving?”
“Yes, but I didn’t make sure she heard. I wanted to escape.” Susannah lifted her head and stared at him through her tears. “Why did God let my sisters die? Why didn’t He let me die instead?”
“Oh, Susannah.” He gathered her into his arms and held her tightly, trying to ease the burden of her loss. “God doesn’t want you to die. He wants you to live and make something wonderful out of your life. And you’re doing it.”
“I am?” She lifted her head, her face inches from his, hope flickering.
It was all David could do not to kiss her. But he held back because he understood that now more than ever, Susannah needed to know about the kind of love that would always be there for her.
“Of course you are.” He smoothed the tendrils off her face. “God has given you this opportunity and you’re doing your best to make good.”
“How?” she asked, forehead furrowed.
“You’re making sure your baby has a good start, for one thing. You’re eating right and exercising. You’re seeing your doctor regularly, right?” He didn’t like the way her gaze skewed away from his. “Aren’t you?”
“I will go again, as soon as I can pay,” she whispered.
“What? No, Susannah.” David shook his head. He tilted her chin so she had to look at him. “You don’t have to pay. Didn’t the doctor’s office tell you that?”
“No.” She leaned back to look at him, her face troubled. “Why wouldn’t I pay?”
“Because you have insurance. I bought it for you.” He liked the way she fit in his arms—liked it a lot. “All of my employees have health insurance.”
“Oh.” A soft glow flickered through her eyes. “Does it cover sonograms?”
“It covers whatever you need,” David said. He wanted to keep holding her, keep reassuring her. He wanted more. He wanted…everything.
The realization shocked him.
And terrified him.
He couldn’t have love, or marriage and a family. The things other men took for granted—a wife, family—God had not chosen for him. He knew that.
So why this irrational need to protect Susannah, to make sure she was cared for, that her child was not given away to strangers?
“I had a sonogram a while ago,” she was saying. “I was supposed to have another one, but I didn’t have quite enough money saved.” She explained that she’d paid for the first one.
David needed distance between them to calm his racing heart. He eased her out of his arms as he made a mental note to claim Susannah’s money back.
“Make the appointment and have the test done immediately,” he insisted. “If you need another doctor, special treatment, anything—I’ll make sure it’s covered. We want this baby healthy. Don’t we?”
“Yes.” She struggled to rise.
He rushed to help her, realizing anew how difficult her pregnancy was making things.
“Susannah, I want you to know something.”
“What?” She peered at him warily.
“I’ve put away some money for you. In case you change your mind about the baby.” He put one finger on her lips to stop her protest. “I don’t want you to feel that adoption is your only option. If you want to keep your baby, you can do it.” He slid the bankbook from his pocket and into her hand.
“You shouldn’t have done this, David.” She opened it and blanched at the amount, going even whiter than she was before. “This is wrong.”
“I pay into a pension plan for my staff,” he said quietly. “Think of that as your pension plan.” When she still frowned, he folded her fingers around it. “I won’t take it back. It’s yours, to help however you want.”
“It’s unbelievable.” Susannah was silent for several moments. Then she looked at him, her eyes glossy with unshed tears, and nodded. “I don’t know how to thank you.”
“You don’t have to.” He frowned at her pallor. “Are you certain you’re all right to look after Darla? You’re not overdoing it?”
“I’m fine. I shouldn’t say this but it’s a really easy job.” She smiled. “Darla has changed a lot, hasn’t she?”
“Thanks to you.” He smiled at her, loving the way she glowed with pride whenever she spoke about his sister. “You’ve done a great job.”
She lowered her gaze, shy as always when compliments came her way. His anger flared again at the mother who’d treated her so shabbily.
“I better go.” She walked toward the door and paused. “Oh, one other thing.” She fiddled with the strap on her handbag. “Darla wants to work as a junior assistant at the butterfly exhibit at the botanical garden. We’ve visited frequently and the director thinks she has a knack for speaking to the kids who visit.”
“When? Her schedule already seems pretty full,” David mused.
“It is,” Susannah agreed. “But I think she can do this. I think she needs to do it, David. She needs the confidence this public responsibility will give her. Isn’t that what we’ve been trying to achieve?”
He liked the “we” part of what Susannah said. But Darla on show in a public place? It was something he’d secretly avoided ever since her accident.
“She isn’t the same girl, David. She’s learned how to manage her feelings. This can only help her gain further control.” Susannah’s quiet plea reached into his heart and touched a chord there. “Darla needs to feel needed. This is her chance to prove to herself that she has a place in the world.”
David hesitated. He didn’t like it, would never have countenanced it if Susannah hadn’t pushed. But so far she had been right about his sister.
“Are you going to be there?” How had he and Darla managed before Susannah’s arrival?
“Of course. For the first time or two, anyway. Just in case she needs me.” Susannah smiled at him. “She can do it?”
“Okay.”
“Great!” She raced across the floor and threw her arms around him in a burst of exuberance. “Thank you,” she said, hugging him. Then she stepped back, cheeks hot pink as her arms dropped to her side. “Sorry.”
“No problem.” David grinned. She was truly the most beautiful woman—inside and out—that he’d ever known. “I enjoyed it.”
That made her cheeks even pinker. David enjoyed seeing her so flustered.
“When is her first day?” he asked. “I’d like to visit.�
�
“Probably Saturday.” She checked her watch. “I have to go. Thank you, David, for everything.” She started for the door.
“Susannah?”
“Yes?” She stopped and turned.
“Take these and read them.” He picked up the sheaf of papers from the table and offered them to her. “Will you please think about what I said, about keeping your baby?”
She took the papers but shook her head.
“Why not?”
“It’s better if my baby has a new mother.” Then she hurried away.
It wasn’t better at all, David fumed. It was wrong. Totally wrong that Susannah of the loving heart should give up her child. What kind of a mother had she lived with to skew her thinking so much?
He decided to find out. He sat down at his desk, picked up the phone and asked his research assistant to dig up everything on Susannah’s mother.
“There has to be a way, Lord. You surely couldn’t want Susannah to give up this gift You’ve given her.”
Why do I care?
Because I love her.
The admittance knocked him sideways. It shouldn’t have—he quickly realized that he’d been carrying strong feelings for Susannah for a long time.
She was gentle, loving and tender. She’d made a ton of mistakes and she knew it. Which meant she carried a boatload of guilt from her past.
None of which mattered one iota to him.
Susannah loved Darla. She’d gone beyond what any caregiver could be expected to do to help his sister figure out her world. David would have loved her for that alone. But he loved her for so much more.
He loved her because she didn’t let him get away with anything, because she listened—really listened—to him, because she never once, in all these months, had asked for anything for herself. Yet he wanted to give her everything.
And because of that, David wanted—no, needed—to make it possible for Susannah to keep her baby.
He picked up the phone.
“Wade? Can you and Jared meet me tomorrow for lunch? I really need to talk to you guys. Thanks.”
They were his best friends, they knew his history and most important of all, they shared his faith. David had no clear-cut answer from God on what to do with his feelings but they could help him figure out his next step.
Love was something that wasn’t for him. He knew that.
Yet love was exactly what he felt for Susannah Wells.
So what was he supposed to do?
Chapter Eleven
“So you’ve fallen in love with Susannah,” Wade said and clapped him on the shoulder. “Congratulations.”
“It’s not that simple,” David said.
“Why?” Jared demanded. “What’s wrong with love?”
“It’s not for me, that’s what. It’s not part of God’s plan for me.” David rose and paced around Wade’s patio. But that silence got to him. He looked up and caught the puzzled look his buddies were sharing. “I’ve been engaged before,” he reminded them.
“So?” Jared shrugged. “They weren’t the right ones. Susannah is.”
“But how can I be sure of that?”
“Dave, sit down and let’s work this through. You care about Susannah, right?” Wade asked after he’d flopped onto one of the chairs beside the pool. “Yes.”
“Okay.” Wade nodded. “And you want her and her baby in your life permanently?”
“Yes,” he repeated with certainty.
“But you think that’s somehow wrong?” Jared frowned. “Why?”
“Because I’m not good husband material. I have Darla to care for, I work long hours.” He glared at them. “Two other women walked away from me.”
“Yes, we know. And if they’d been God’s choice, don’t you think He would have sent one of them back?” Jared rested his elbows on his knees. “I’m no expert on love, but I’ve read the Bible and I can’t find a place where it says you have no right to love. In fact, God is love. He patterns love for us. He doesn’t place love in your heart and then demand that you ignore it. Where does it say that in the Bible, David?”
“I agree. If that’s your thinking, you ought to be able to line it up against His word. Chapter and verse, buddy.” Wade leaned back, waiting.
“Of course there’s no verse,” David said, irritated that they kept pushing. “It’s just something I know.”
“How do you know it?” Jared demanded. “Because you were thrown over twice? That’s not proof that you can’t have love in your life, that you can’t love someone.”
“There’s one thing I’ve learned about love this past year, David.” Wade’s voice dropped but remained intense. “God gives us love to enrich our lives, so we can share with someone who will be there for us, help us through the good stuff and the bad stuff. It seems to me that’s what you have going with Susannah. And I think it’s wonderful. What I don’t get is why you can’t accept a gift like that from your heavenly Father.”
“It’s just—I don’t believe He meant that kind of relationship for me.” David didn’t know how else to express it. “Exactly. You don’t believe. You.” Jared glanced at Wade who nodded and began speaking again.
“Listen, buddy. Jared and I think that this so-called truth of yours, that God doesn’t want you to love, is something you’ve convinced yourself of. I know being dumped the second time, especially when she blamed Darla for your failing relationship, had to be hard on your ego.” Wade winced. “When my first wife took off with some other guy, I felt gutted. I couldn’t even imagine I’d be able to care for another woman, let alone love one again. I made up my mind that I would never get involved again. But God brought Connie into my life.”
“And now look at him,” Jared teased. “Seriously, though, just because Wade thought and felt like that didn’t make it God’s plan for him, Dave. It’s the same with you. You wanted to avoid the hurt and embarrassment those fiancées brought you. That’s understandable. But you don’t care for either of them now, do you?”
“No.” David was emphatic on that. The only woman in his heart now was Susannah.
“Because you love Susannah,” Wade said.
“Yes.” It felt so good to admit that aloud.
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Jared insisted. “Love is God-given. You might also tell Susannah how you feel. Maybe she feels the same?”
How David wished that were true.
“But if you’re still doubting,” Jared said, “why don’t you pray about it and ask God to work it out for you? If she’s the one, don’t you think God had a hand in bringing you two together? Don’t you think He has a plan to make it all work out?”
“Is it God you don’t trust, David?” Wade asked. “Or is it yourself?”
“Hello, baby.”
Susannah blinked through her tears at the shadowy image of her child on the sonogram picture the technician had given her. With her fingertip she traced the tiny head, the neck, two perfect arms and legs—her baby. The wonder of this life growing inside her blindsided her to everything else.
So tiny. So precious.
How could she let this child go?
How could I not?
Her baby would soon be born and she’d have to hand him or her over to strangers. Forever.
Susannah’s heartache intensified as the desolating loss swamped her. Though she tried to suppress them, tears flowed in a steady stream down her cheeks.
If only David was right, if only she could keep her child. What a sweet and generous gesture to give her the money. Susannah’s Baby, he’d written on the bankbook. Once again she marveled at his generosity and the way he saw beyond what everyone else did, probing to the heart of things. He figured out she didn’t have anything and went the extra mile to ensure she could make her choice with no regret.
But it wasn’t about the money, never had been. It was about her inability to handle such a massive responsibility without messing up. And so she decided that when she left Tucson she’d make sure he go
t his money back.
Susannah stared down at the picture again and new tears flowed. She was glad Darla was outside playing with Silver. She didn’t want anyone to witness her weakness. Because it was weak to want what you couldn’t have, what you knew you’d ruin.
“Susannah?” David stood before her. “What’s wrong?”
He crouched down to study the paper in her hand. She watched him examine the image, a huge smile spreading across his face from one side to the other. Delight lit his eyes as he examined the picture in minute detail. Finally he lifted his gaze to meet hers.
“Your baby,” he whispered. “It’s perfect, Susannah. Is it a boy or a girl?”
“I didn’t ask.” She dashed the tears away. “I only asked if it was healthy,” she said. The words dissolved into a blubber as her emotions seesawed again.
“And?” he asked, sitting beside her. Somehow she was in his arms again, and she didn’t mind one bit.
“It is.” She sighed as he gathered her close and let her rest against him. She was so tired. “The doctor says everything is great.”
“Good. Then we should celebrate this gift of life God’s given you. Not cry about it.” His hand smoothed over her back in a soothing caress that made her feel loved, cherished, cared for.
“Celebrate?” She leaned back. “How?”
David chuckled as he brushed her cheek with his knuckles, drying her tears. He gently released her before smoothing the long strands of hair she’d left free. Susannah felt the faintest caress of his lips against her forehead before he rose.
“I’m not sure how,” he said, staring at her. “But this healthy baby definitely deserves a pre-birthday celebration.”
“Can we have a party, Davy?” Darla said from the doorway. “Silver is staying for dinner.”
“I hope you have a lovely time,” Susannah murmured, too tired to get up. Everything seemed to suck her energy these days. “I think I’ll go home.”
“Connie and Wade went out for dinner, didn’t they? So you haven’t eaten. I could order in a pizza,” David offered.