Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There?

by Whoopi Goldberg

  Now. If you don’t want to hurt my feelings by walking away, you can say, “You know what? I really don’t want to talk about this. I’m not really interested in a deep airing of this subject.” Or, screw it. You can walk away and let me deal with whatever the consequences are of expressing my opinion. And you know what? . . . If you let me deal with those consequences, I might start to realize that not everybody wants to hear it. So I might actually come to the conclusion myself.

  We all have people in our lives who come from opposite sides of issues from us. When we get with these people, who we otherwise dearly love, some of them can’t resist starting in . . . pushing all our buttons. It bugs us, but if we love them, we tolerate it. And, hopefully, move on in the conversation—the sooner the better.

  Most of the time people just want a chance to speak. They want someone to know that they are thinking about this or that. Sometimes they don’t get a lot of opportunity to talk about things in depth with folks. So they wait until they get around people they feel that they can get in deep with and say what’s on their mind. And sometimes, it’s just ’cause they want to hear themselves talk. Or they are desperate for contact. Even if what they’re saying pisses me off. It’s respect again. And because I know my patience is going to be tested when I see them, I do a self-talk beforehand so I can remind myself to be cool and maintain the respect. Doesn’t always work, but I do try.

  But the tone of things is definitely changing. You’ve seen it, I’m sure. Where it used to be, I disagree with you on this or that issue, now it’s, “You’re an asshole.” Or “You’re un-American.”

  And when things get heated up like that, bad things can happen. If you don’t think so, let me remind you of a certain health care argument on a California sidewalk that grew into a street fight and someone got his finger bitten off. Now, I have been involved in some highly passionate discussions, but I can assure you that I have not once chomped off a finger . . . Wasn’t even tempted.

  When things get overheated and personal, nobody gets heard. Just hurt.

  I think we can keep things civil. As one might say, “You could act that.”

  What happens when people get into attack mode is, instead of talking with each other, they talk at each other. There is a big difference. It’s about give and take. Talking at somebody is different from talking with them because when you’re talking with them, you actually have to listen to what they’re saying. Then you respond. Or not. There’s a back and forth that happens when you’re talking with somebody. But when you’re talking at somebody, you don’t hear them. You’re not listening. It’s all about getting out your point. And that may be fine, but it doesn’t move you forward. Because people glaze over when you talk at them—especially when you yell at them.

  Now, to be clear, I’m talking about yelling at somebody. Not discussions that get passionate. There’s a difference.

  Most of the time, if you talk with people, and it stays a conversation—even if it gets passionate—you can move forward from it. It can even be fun. It’s the difference between sparring and fighting. But the minute you shut down that two-way route, trouble is close by. Because then you are not challenging somebody, you’re pretty much telling them they have no right to think, or speak, or feel what they’re feeling.

  I don’t know when this started to change but, oftentimes, people do not listen at all. They hear what they want to hear. Or they only hear that one little thing you say that gives them permission to be angry at you, ignoring the rest.

  Ka-boom.

  On the other hand, some people are more open. I’m with someone on a constant basis whose mind changes a lot and says, “I’ve learned a lot of stuff.” I’m talking specifically about my friend Elizabeth Hasselbeck. I don’t know if she exactly says, “You’ve changed my mind,” because I don’t know if you can really change somebody’s mind . . . but you can at least have a discussion. And they can look at it differently. And ponder that.

  Elizabeth knows that, to me, it’s a discussion. We get to talk and we get passionate. But it’s never personal . . . which is why she will often be able to hear me and, maybe, say, “Oh, I hadn’t thought about it from that perspective. Let me think about this and see how I feel about it.” And that’s why I love her.

  Is it just me, or have we grown more cynical? Maybe with good reason, maybe not. But it still does not give us license to run amok over each other. Just because somebody calls you the Ugly American doesn’t mean you get to go and be the Ugly American.

  There were stories that, even though Ronald Reagan and Tip O’Neill were ideological foes, they still socialized. Those dudes would debate in the day, and at night, they’d hang. It used to be possible to have those head-butting things over issues and still be good friends. Used to be.

  Maybe it still is. I got a glimmer of hope when I learned Senators Ted Kennedy and Orrin Hatch were such good pals. Think about it. If we only adapt ourselves to people who think exactly like we do—what’s next? You have to look exactly like I do? You have to smell exactly like I do? How do you learn anything? Why wouldn’t you want to hear a variety of opinions?

  There are some basics we all agree on. Don’t kill anybody. Don’t yell “fire” in a crowded theater. Don’t drop air biscuits in the elevator. There are some basics, yet there are still some problems in the way we relate to each other these days.

  I even know of some people who won’t date someone who they disagree with politically. Kinda dumb, but, hey, that’s their choice. But what’s the point?

  This may surprise you, but I have a lot of friends who are staunch conservatives. Some don’t believe in a woman’s right to choose. Or in gay marriage. Or in interracial dating. In spite of those things, I still like them as friends. I don’t understand or condone their beliefs, but some of those people are really funny or are deep thinkers. And I think sometimes it spices things up to have a little bit of healthy discussion. At least, I used to think so. But I listen to people now and it’s, “Believe what I believe, or get out.” A tad Taliban-esque, isn’t it?

  And more and more, it’s, “Don’t cross this line.” But because I carry a spray can, I draw my own lines as I go.

  Chapter 18

  A Civil Person’s Handy List: How Not to Turn a Discussion into a Fight

  • Don’t call somebody stupid.

  • Don’t call somebody an idiot.

  • Don’t point and laugh.

  • Don’t repeat what the person just said in a cartoon voice.

  • Don’t roll your eyes and say, “Yuh, right,” or “Duh.”

  • Don’t freak when the other person gets passionate. Passion is not an attack.

  • Don’t personalize. Not in what you say. Not in what you hear. It’s not about you. Don’t make it about them. That is the path to ugly.

  • Do take a full breath after the other person finishes a sentence before you start yours. Even a toddler will say to a parent, “I don’t like it when you cover my words.” So listen to some kid wisdom and leave space for the other person.

  And smile once or twice. It’ll keep things nice and civil. And if it doesn’t, then it’ll scare the crap out of the person you’re talking to. Either way, you can’t go wrong.

  Chapter 19

  Daily Rehab

  All right, so you screwed up. You had this big old argument, and in the heat of it, you said the wrong thing. And now somebody’s got hurt feelings. And you did it. Are you going to do something to fix it, or not?

  I wish I could help you, but I have never been in this position. My hands are clean.

  I’m lying!

  If someone comes to you and says, “You know what, you really hurt my feelings when you said, ‘Blah-blah-blah . . .’ ”—you’ve got to respond to them. It’s not hard. But focus. Because it’s a huge deal to them. They need to hear you say, “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’m really sorry. It doesn’t change how I feel about the issue we were discussing, but what I said wasn’t meant to h
urt you.” And that’s all you can really do.

  But again, let me reiterate: If you want to keep this person in your life, you’ve got to apologize, if that’s what you feel (and if you don’t feel it . . . at least look sincere).

  If people care enough to tell you that you hurt their feelings, and you apologize—and, again, it is a genuine apology—you can move on. The question is, can the other person?

  But I always caution, if somebody in your life hurts your feelings, ask yourself this. Is it something that happens a lot? Or often? Or is this just like a random, one time only, “Wow, I didn’t know that was happening”? Look at it. See what it is. That should have a lot to do with how you respond to them.

  If they’re good people and happen to hurt your feelings for the first time, and they apologize, I say accept it. Heal up, laugh it off, and move on. If it happens every couple weeks, you two may need to have a bigger conversation.

  And when you do your tallying, look at the numbers. See how often this happens, then ask yourself, is this a conversation I want to bother to have? How much do I want this to change? Or is this person a J-O-B job? Because if somebody’s got a foot up your ass, and you’re tired of it, it’s probably best to let them know.

  It’s a good bet you can’t move on until you do let them know.

  And here’s a shocker. Some people just don’t want to move on. They either refuse your apology or else they say they accept it and then just keep acting like they’re still pissed off at you. Maybe they still are. Or maybe they’re one of those drama junkies who love the conflict more than the peace. You know them. They’re the ones who get invited on the hayride and bring a book of matches.

  Dealing with these people is painful. To work it out you may have to take yourself to some uncomfortable places emotionally. That’s all fine. Chalk it up as part of the daily rehab we all do to keep moving forward in our lives. Whether it’s worth it, though, is a question only you can answer.

  But as long as you’re asking yourself questions, ask this one. When somebody reaches out, what would you regret more, slapping the hand away, or accepting an apology so you can both move on?

  Pretend it’s you.

  Even if the other person is at fault, these bad feelings are toxic in your life too. So you’re also doing yourself a favor. Forgiveness works two ways when you put it out there.

  But face it—some people just get stuck. Forgiveness isn’t what they’re all about. They’re all about the anger. Their anger is their best friend and what would they ever do without it?

  So if you’ve made a sincere attempt and it’s refused, there’s nothing you can do about that. At a certain point you’ve done all you can, and it’s time for you to be moving on.

  At least one of you should have a shot at being happy.

  Chapter 20

  TSA Does Not Mean “Time to Smart Ass”

  Flying is a chore. It is not glamorous. It’s a day lost to aggravation and discomfort. And that’s the good part. So what makes no sense to me is this: Why, oh why do people make it harder from the start by treating the airport security folks like crap? Look, we all get frustrated at having to stand in a long line. But we have to, so we do it. And what’s our reward at the end of the ordeal? We get to take off half our clothes. Hoorah! But somebody tell me what it accomplishes to act out against the security agents.

  Zip.

  Don’t these folks know that the TSA people are not there to mess with us? They’re not there to make life difficult. The TSA people are there to make sure that we are all flying safe. So the annoyances . . . like you have to take your shoes off, or “I’ve got to go through your bag,” or they’ve got to pat you down or swab the palms of your hands . . . that’s them doing their jobs. So what good does it do to be nasty to the TSA person?

  Let me see . . . I believe “zip” still applies.

  I say, shock them. Don’t be nasty, be cooperative. If you can, make them laugh. Because they are standing all day long with an endless parade of people who don’t want to do what they have to do. And people who won’t say, “You know, I think I’ll take a Trailways bus instead.” So if you have to go by air, you’ve got to do the drill at the airport.

  Be ready for it. Have clean feet. Change your socks. Wash your feet. They may have to pat you down, so please make sure you’re wearing deodorant! How’s your breath? Check yourself before you go through the line. You’ve got enough time. Plane’s probably late anyway. So just take your time and get organized. And don’t take your frustration out by smart-assing the TSA people.

  You know, they just don’t need extra lip. They’re getting nasty folks all day long. In their face. Sucking their teeth. Rolling their eyes . . . People who come with sixteen pounds of jewelry on. Why, God? Why do they do that when they know that you can’t go through a metal detector wearing Tiffany’s? So—one would think—that before they even got to the airport, they’d take the bling off and put it in a carry-on bag. Doesn’t that make sense?

  Yes. Yes, it does make sense.

  And so does this: Don’t pack your bag with things that you’re not supposed to have. Because then everything has to stop. And why? So they can go through your bag and tell you what you should already know. So why set yourself up, and all the people waiting in that long, sad line behind you, for frustration?

  It’s so simple. If you’re going to fly, prepare. Otherwise, get a private plane or Greyhound bus. But keep in mind, if you get on the bus, you’ve got to contend with that smelly toilet in the back. And, see, nobody cares if you roll your eyes on the bus, because they’re all doing the same thing.

  Remember, though, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and how much faster will it go if you do not put obstacles in your own way?

  This is not Fantasyland. The rules are not going to change because you want them to. Or because you see yourself as an exception.

  Sometimes somebody slips in line in front of you. Is it worth getting arrested over it? Is it really worth adding to the frustration of being on line by getting into a hassle with the bonehead next to you? Just because they’re a bonehead doesn’t mean you have to be.

  Also, try and show up on time. If they tell you to arrive an hour and a half before, chances are you’re going to be a lot calmer if you do. Now. There’s all kinds of stuff that prevents that . . . things that slow you down. Number one, you’ve got traffic. That’s understandable. But people, check your route. Have you got a radio? Have you heard of Traffic and Weather Together?

  Some people don’t want to leave their house two hours early—tough! If you don’t want to be hassled, then give yourself enough time to get where you’re going so you don’t freak yourself out. What’s the point of getting agitated?

  Here’s a simple math fact. Ready? If you left fifteen minutes late, you’re going to be fifteen minutes later sitting in traffic. And it is not the other drivers’ fault that you are in traffic and late. And driving fast isn’t going to help. So make the decision. Leave two hours early. It’s not the most fun, we all know that. But be early and sit at the frickin’ airport. Bring a book, or a PSP, or a puzzle. At least once you are there, it’s one less hassle to think about and you can relax and enjoy your trip.

  But start it right. When you see that TSA agent, commit an act of kindness. Sometimes it’s just a smile. And a “Thank you!” Because their job is tough. They are your first line of defense. So give them a break!

  And let’s all lighten up.

  And while I’m on the subject of flying, remember . . . The airlines are not your friend. And they make great commercials that say they are.

  It’s a lie!

  Smiley faces, friendly flight attendants patting your shoulder . . . passengers grinning ’n’ gliding down the aisle to a clean ’n’ comfy seat . . . food . . . That’s just the pitch. They’re just not your buddy. Airlines are there to make as much money as they can make, which is why you’re not only still paying for checked bags on most of them, your pals are charging you
even more than when they started. One airline wants to start charging for your carry-on bag too.

  So the upshot of these friendly skies is what? Well, everybody’s solution to the checked-bag fee is to carry on as much as humanly possible into that limited space aboard the plane.

  You’re only allowed to carry on two bags. One small suitcase that has to fit the bin and a shoulder bag or briefcase. So, if you’re going on a trip, and if you don’t have the dough to just pay to check all your bags, then you have to pack smarter.

  What does packing smarter mean? It means that you’re only taking what you need. Not what you think you’re going to need, but what you really need. And if you don’t want to spend the money to check luggage, please don’t aggravate everybody else by being one of those Einsteins trying to sneak on extra bags. The truth of the matter is, if you do what they ask you to do and not try to be slick, there’s space for everybody. Look around the boarding gate. Everybody else wants to be slick too . . . They also want to bring fifty-five bags on, but guess what? They can’t. So please do what they’re asking you to do.

  Don’t be a hog.

  Now, if you’re smart, and you don’t want to spend that money, find out what it costs for UPS. I like to use FedEx or UPS to send bags ahead to my destination because I do not want to have all that with me on the plane. And I need larger bottles than are allowed by TSA for carry-on. So package them up and find out what it costs. The post office has great overnight and two-day service . . . and the chances of losing it are the same as the chances of losing it at the airport. So why not just go ahead and pack it up and call the destination that you’re going to, whether it’s a house or a hotel, and say you’re sending it ahead? More and more people are doing this now, and the hotels pretty much have it all down.