No Wings to Fly

by Jess Foley

  ‘Well – I told him I’d be coming back to see you again today.’ She paused. ‘He didn’t – approve.’

  Tom looked surprised. ‘Well, of course he didn’t. Why did you tell him that?’

  ‘Because it was true. I promised you I’d come back today.’

  ‘I know, but – but it was your new position. It was what you’d been waitin’ for.’ He shook his head. ‘Oh, Lil – what have you done?’

  She tried to disregard his concern. ‘It doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘I shall find something else. Mr Corelman’s not the only father looking for a governess.’

  Tom was tight-lipped. ‘Ah, maybe so.’ With a little nod, he added, ‘It was because o’ me. You lost your position because o’ me.’

  ‘Oh, Tom, really, I –’

  ‘Yes, you did, and now you’ve got no job.’

  ‘I told you – I’ll find something.’

  ‘Yeh, easier said than done, that is. Are there lots of governessin’ jobs goin’?’ When she did not answer he added, ‘No, you see? You’re gunna be in trouble.’

  ‘Well, as a matter of fact, there is one,’ she said, ‘but it’s only for a few weeks.’

  ‘A few weeks is better than nothin’. Where is it?’

  She paused. ‘Happerfell.’

  He nodded. ‘Over near Pilching. I s’pose it’d keep you till you find somethin’ better.’

  ‘Well – we’ll see,’ she said, ‘but don’t fret about me, please. Tom, you’re the one we’ve got to worry about.’

  ‘That’s what I don’t want you to do – worry about me.’

  ‘Listen,’ she said, ‘it’ll all get sorted out. I told you – we’ll get a little place for the two of us. Maybe just a couple of rooms at the beginning, but it’ll be a start.’

  ‘Oh, right – and where’s the money comin’ from to pay for these rooms?’

  ‘Well – there are more jobs going than those for governesses. And jobs that pay a good bit more money, I daresay. I can do anything I set my mind to.’

  ‘Ah, I don’t doubt you can.’

  ‘I can go as a shop assistant if I want. Get a job in the Corster boot factory. There’s work out there, don’t worry.’

  ‘Yeh, but governessing, teaching, that’s what you want to do. That’s what you’re cut out for.’

  ‘We have to play the cards we’re dealt, Tom. We can’t choose them.’

  ‘Ah, you’re right there.’ He paused, then said, ‘That damn little bell’ll be ringin’ soon.’

  ‘Oh – yes. Anyway, I told you – I’ll be back this afternoon. It’s not that long till three o’clock.’

  As if cued by their words, there came the sound of the bell, and Lily turned and saw the nurse swinging it as she stood just inside the doorway. ‘Here it is,’ she said with a sigh. She reached out and pressed Tom’s hand, then got up from the chair. ‘I’ll leave my basket here if that’s all right. I’ll go out and find a cup of tea, and I’ll be back at three. And I promise you this time I won’t be late.’

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Some little way beyond the Plough and Stars Lily found herself in the village centre, where there were a few shops. Just past an ironmonger’s she came upon a small teashop, and she went inside and sat at a small table by a window. There were only three other people there. When a young waitress came to her side, Lily asked for some tea and a buttered scone; it would be enough to keep her going until she got back to Sherrell.

  In the centre of the yard beyond the window was a small patch of earth in which grew a laburnum tree. Looking at it through the warped glass, she thought of the laburnum at the Villa, and of Joel. Before too long he would be in Paris, and he would be meeting again with the young woman, Simone. She reminded herself then that when he wrote it would be to the house in Seston. He could have no idea that she would not be there. Would Mr Corelman forward any letters for her to Rowanleigh? She could only hope that he would.

  For the moment, though, there were more immediate matters to contend with. Not only was she without employment, but she also had the added responsibility of her brother’s well-being. She had told him that they would find a place together, and she would be true to her word. It was true what she had said: she did not have to be a governess. There was other employment for a single woman. She was young and she was strong, and she could turn her hand to anything. She was not too proud. There were factories in Corster and in Redbury and in other places around. And domestics were always needed. Whatever she did, her place for the time being was at Tom’s side. He needed her now as never before.

  After spending almost an hour in the teashop, she paid the waitress and left. Out on the footway she stood for a moment, wondering what to do with the remainder of her time. The day had stayed bright and warm and she was content to be outside in the air. Seeing the spire of a church rising up behind some sycamore trees, she made her way to it and entered the yard. There was a little wood-and-iron bench at the side of the pathway, and she sat down. Before her lay the grave plots, the older ones long forgotten, the stones having succumbed to subsidence over the years and now leaning drunkenly in the grass, moss and lichen growing in the carvings. Two or three newer graves had flowers on them, late roses, some fresh, some wilting.

  She continued to sit there while the sun traversed the sky. There was barely a sound other than that from the occasional bird and the gentle breathing rustle of the fading leaves of a beech that grew beside the wall. A robin flew down and perched on the top of a little stone angel, red breast flaming, and Lily looked at its saucy, perfect little form and felt a momentary lifting of her spirit. It did not last, however. Even before the bird had abruptly taken off and soared away over the stones, she was already thinking again of the problems that lay ahead.

  So, Tom was likely to be discharged from the infirmary over the next day or two. He had expressed himself loath to accept Miss Elsie’s offer of help, but until such time as Lily could provide a home for him he would have no choice but to accept it, and be grateful. In which case she must make everything ready for him at Rowanleigh. The room over the stable would need attention, and she must get busy on it, starting today, when she returned to Sherrell.

  And afterwards? Then she would look about for employment, for she would have to earn enough to keep the two of them until he was out of the woods. Out of the woods. The phrase rang in her mind. When would that be? He had lost a hand. And there could be no mending of such a tragedy.

  The breeze had strengthened a little. She could hear it in the leaves of the yew and feel it on her cheeks. Looking up at the clock on the face of the church tower, she saw that it had come to a quarter to three. Time to go.

  She reached the infirmary with ten minutes to spare, and found that a number of people were already gathered in the courtyard, waiting for admission. She took her place in the line and stood patiently as the minutes ticked by. Two nurses in starched uniforms crossed the cobbles and entered the building, after which a horse-drawn ambulance rattled to a halt before the steps. Two porters appeared and took a laden stretcher from the vehicle and carried it inside. A carriage pulled in, and two distinguished-looking gentlemen alighted, carrying black leather bags. As they vanished into the building two workhouse boys appeared and cleared away some manure that one of the horses had left. More people came to join those already waiting. Then, almost on the stroke of three a stout man in a dark tunic came out and importantly gestured to the crowd. It was the signal to go in, and at once the people surged towards the open doors.

  Inside the building Lily did not hesitate, and within a minute or two she was entering the men’s ward, and craning her neck to see past the people before her, to catch a first glimpse of Tom.

  She could not see him.

  Three or four yards into the ward she came to a stop and stood looking down the left-hand row of beds. Tom was not there. Her eyes swung to the right-hand side of the ward, taking in the other occupants; perhaps he had been moved to a different bed. No. He wa
s not there.

  After a moment she started down the ward, while on either side the visitors drew up chairs, kisses were exchanged, and the murmur of the chatter grew. As if she could not trust her eyes to have seen at a distance, she walked to the foot of the bed in which she had left Tom just hours before. It lay empty, its mattress rolled up at the head, the pillows stacked. The fleeting, desperate notion came into her mind that perhaps she had come into the wrong ward, but of course she had not; everything else was as she recalled. There was the stain on the wall above the bed, there was the split in the linoleum, and in the adjacent bed the old man still lay.

  She turned, looking about her, and saw a nurse approaching. At once she moved towards her. ‘Excuse me – please . . .’

  ‘Yes, miss?’

  ‘My brother,’ Lily said, and gestured towards the empty bed. ‘He was here – there in the bed. I was with him this morning.’

  The nurse, a stocky woman in her late thirties, said at once, ‘Ah, yes, the young man – Thomas Clair. He’s gone, miss, I’m afraid. He left.’

  ‘He – he left?’ Lily frowned. ‘What – what do you mean – he left?’

  ‘Just that. He left, miss.’

  ‘But – but he can’t have. I was here – just this morning.’ Lily gestured to the bed. ‘I was sitting there, at his bedside. He was in the bed. I brought him some fruit and some cake. I told him I’d be back for afternoon visiting. He knew that. He was expecting me.’ This was insane. How could he have gone? She stood there shaking her head, as if by the very fact of denying it she could make it as she wished. ‘But – but where – where did he go?’ she said.

  ‘I don’t know, miss, I’m sure.’

  As the nurse finished speaking, Lily stepped beside the bed and opened the locker. It was now empty. ‘I put some apples in there,’ she said, ‘and some plums, and a couple of little packages holding cheese and cake. My basket, too. I left that here. Everything’s gone. It’s all gone.’

  ‘I wasn’t here when he left, miss. It was another nurse he spoke to. Nurse Hesketh.’

  ‘Is she about?’ Lily asked quickly. ‘May I speak to her?’

  ‘I’m afraid you can’t, miss. She was called away a little while ago, to go to the isolation hospital at Biller. There’ve been more smallpox cases in Corster and she’s gone off to help.’ The nurse gave a little shrug. ‘Though I doubt as she could tell you much more, miss. By all accounts the young man didn’t hang about once he’d made up his mind. He went about half-past-twelve. Nurse Hesketh said there was no stopping him.’ She gestured to the empty locker. ‘His locker was all cleared after he went, of course.’

  Lily said, helplessly, repeating herself, ‘But – but I was with him. I left him at half-past-eleven. I left him in bed here.’

  ‘Perhaps you’d like to have a word with Sister, miss,’ the nurse said. ‘If Nurse Hesketh knew anything she’d have told Sister.’ She gestured up the ward towards the entrance. ‘She’ll be in her office, just on the right outside there. Sister James. She might be able to tell you a bit more. You go and see Sister.’ With that she gave Lily a tentative smile, and moved past, continuing on her way.

  Lily watched her go, then turned and made her way to the Sister’s office, where she tapped on the door. There was a call of ‘Come in,’ and Lily turned the handle and pushed open the door.

  Sister James was seated at a desk with some papers before her. She smiled at Lily as she entered, but frowned at the same time, giving the message that she had no time to waste. ‘Yes, can I help you?’ she said.

  ‘One of the nurses,’ Lily said, ‘said I should come and see you. It’s about my brother.’

  ‘Your brother?’

  ‘Yes, he was a patient here. Thomas Clair.’

  ‘Clair – ah, yes.’ The nurse nodded. ‘Thomas Clair. Very sad business. Amputation of the left hand. You say you’re his sister.’

  ‘Yes, I am.’

  ‘Well, I must tell you that he was in a very bad way when he came in. An accident with him falling under a cart, so we were told by the men who brought him. He was badly concussed and totally unconscious. What was worse, his left hand and wrist had been so completely crushed that there was nothing for it but to amputate – and without delay, before mortification set in. I’m afraid there was no way of saving it. I was there with the young man, Thomas, when he came round later – when he discovered what had been done to him.’ She gave a little shake of her head, as if dispelling the memory.

  Lily, who had listened to the account with mounting horror, felt tears welling in her eyes. After a few moments, when she had gained a little control, she said, ‘I came to visit him this morning, and then came back this afternoon to see him again, but – but he has gone.’

  The nurse’s frown deepened. ‘Oh, dear. And you didn’t know he was going?’

  ‘I had no idea.’ Lily shook her head. ‘When I saw him this morning he had no intention of leaving – I’m sure of that. He knew I was coming back.’

  The nurse sighed. ‘I’m very sorry for you, miss, I’m sure. All I know is that he left. We couldn’t stop him. I spoke to him myself, and tried to persuade him to stay on a while, but he was that set on going. He still had his bandage on.’

  Lily said, her throat tight, ‘I brought him some cake, and some cheese.’

  ‘Yes, he left it all behind,’ the nurse said. ‘When we cleared out his locker it was all there. Did you want it?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘There was a basket too.’ As the woman spoke she leant down to the side of her desk and lifted up Lily’s basket. ‘This is yours, is it, miss?’

  Lily nodded. ‘Yes.’

  The nurse placed the basket on the desk, and Lily took it up. ‘Did he say anything to you,’ Lily asked, ‘or to anyone else – about where he was going?’

  ‘Not to me. And Nurse Hesketh said he had very little to say.’

  Lily put a hand to her brow. ‘I just – don’t understand it. Where could he have gone? He’s got no money – only a couple of shillings that I gave him. He’s got nowhere to go. He’s got no friends. I’m all he’s got.’ She added plaintively, ‘I don’t suppose he left any message for me?’

  ‘Not with me, miss. And I’m afraid I can’t ask Nurse Hesketh anything further about him as she’s had to go off. Which leaves me shorthanded here. This smallpox – it’s absolutely dreadful. People are going down like ninepins.’ She sighed and shook her head. ‘I’m sorry I can’t help you, miss.’

  Lily nodded her thanks and stood in silence, helpless. There was nothing more to say, and she could think of no further questions. ‘Well,’ she whispered at last, with a little nod, ‘I thank you for your time.’

  ‘I’m sure he’ll be in touch with you,’ the nurse said. ‘He will, I’m sure he will.’

  ‘Yes.’ Lily summoned up a sad little smile, then, thanking the woman again, she turned and left the room.

  Tom’s letter came to Lily at Rowanleigh three days later. Since returning from Grassinghill she had moped about the house with little purpose and not the vaguest notion of what her immediate future might hold. She had had long conversations with Miss Elsie, but, in spite of all the sympathy and understanding she received she had felt no wiser at the end of them. She pondered on what possible work she could obtain, work that would keep not only herself, but Tom also. For many hours over the days she worked in the little spare room above the stable, washing and scrubbing, and all in the half-held belief that Tom would, after all, come there to stay.

  His letter was written on the cheapest notepaper and dated the day after he had left the hospital. It gave no address, but simply said:

  13th September

  My dearest Lil,

  It grieves me to have done to you what I did, but I didn’t feel I had any choice. I can’t come and stay alongside you and Miss Balfour, no matter how kind she is. There’s no future to it, you know that, and I’ve got to stand on my own two feet, or not at all. And the way you were talking you we
re giving up everything for me, so I reckoned, and I can’t let you do that. You already lost your job at Seston because of me, and it can’t happen again. I can’t have you giving up your work on my account. Your work is as a governess, a teacher, and you can’t be stuck in some factory cutting soles for shoes or standing at some vat with your hands dyed black in order to keep me in bread and potatoes. There was nothing for it, Lil, I had to go. Knowing you were coming back in the afternoon, and being a coward, I couldn’t say all this to your face. So I got out.

  Don’t worry about me. I shall find a way to sort things out and make a life for myself. My arm is healing well. It’s like I still feels as if my hand is there, but of course it’s not. I’ll get used to that. There’s plenty of soldiers worse off than me, and that’s the truth.

  Now I got something to say: Take that job at Happerfell, Lil. It might only be for a few weeks, but in the meantime you can look around for something more lasting, and in the end you’ll find what you want.

  Like I said, don’t worry about me. I still got a little of the money you gave me, and I’m not a big spender. I know I got some strokes against me, but I shall make out, depend on it. I shall write to you again soon.

  Your loving and devoted brother

  Thomas

  In her room, sitting on the side of the bed, she folded up the letter. She had no way now of helping him. She had no idea even where he was, how he was living, how he was managing for his next meal or even for somewhere to sleep.

  And what of herself? Take the job at Happerfell, Tom had said – but Tom did not know everything. He did not know that the house at Happerfell was the home of her son.

  At the thought, her eyes strayed to the chest of drawers in which lay Mr Soameson’s letter. She had put off replying to it, but there was still time to do so – still time to write and say that she would be there on Tuesday at the appointed time.

  And why should she not? It was true, of course, that taking such a post would give her the chance to look about for something more permanent, which was what she needed, but – and the thought made her heart beat a little faster – it would also give her the chance to see the child.