Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Shoots and Scores
Page 1
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Ashland, Oregon, and San Diego, California
UNCLE JOHN’S BATHROOM READER SHOOTS AND SCORES UPDATED & EXPANDED
Copyright © 2011 by Portable Press. All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor, Inc. All rights reserved.
For information, write…
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
e-mail: mail@bathroomreader.com
Page 321: Earliest known photograph of women’s hockey (Isobel Stanley, Lord Stanley’s daughter, is in white). Rideau Hall, Ottawa, Canada (circa 1890). Source: Library and Archives Canada/Proud past, bright future: one hundred years of Canadian women’s hockey/AMICUS 13669816/Page 6/nlc-5953
eISBN: 978-1-60710-652-4
E-book edition: June 2012
CONGRATULATIONS!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute would like to congratulate the members of the BRI AllStar Shinny Team for their tremendous effort and great sportsmanship, and for making this book possible.
THE “WRITE” LINE
The journalists and writers who scouted the rinks and went into overtime in their quest for the most interesting hockey facts and stories.
Frank “Faster than Bobby” Orr (Captain) — Center
Mark “The Fog” Weisenmiller — Right Wing
Rob “Emmy” Adler — Left Wing
Kevin “Pappa” Woodley — Defense
Lucas “Barbershop” Aykroyd — Defense
Jeff “The Human Highlight Film” Rud — Rover
Adam “Suitcase” Schroeder — Goalie
Sue “Sweet Feet” Steiner — Goalie
Thom “Too Tall” Little — Enforcer
Derek “The Impossiblist” Fairbridge — Team Hypnotherapist
BEHIND THE BENCH
The editors and designers who pulled the team together and made a book out of it.
Silas “Roadrunner” White — Assistant Coach
Alexandra “The Hammer” Wilson — Equipment Manager
Teresa “Boom Boom” Bubela — General Manager
Michael “Miracle” Brunsfeld — Team Mascot
AND THANK YOU!
To everyone else behind the scenes who helped pull together this “miracle on ice.”
Gordon Javna
JoAnn Padgett
Melinda Allman
Amy Miller
Jay Newman
Monica Maestas
Annie Lam
Ginger Winters
Jennifer Frederick
Sydney Stanley
Gary Lloyd
Michelle Benjamin
Jennifer Thornton
Jennifer Browning
Mana Monzavi
Dylan Drake
Antonia Banyard
Cindy Connor
Jamie Broadhurst
Paddy Laidley
Sandy Cooper
Pete MacDougall
John Sawyer
Danielle Johnson
Tom “Dijon” Mustard
All our great friends at Raincoast
Duncan McCallum and Friesens
Sophie and JJ
Publishers Group West
And special greetings to Allan “the Godfather” MacDougall
* * * * *
DID YOU KNOW?
In 2000, the year of his death, Maurice “Rocket” Richard became the only NHL player to have his number honored in a professional sport other than hockey. For the entire season that year, the Montreal Expos honored Richard’s memory by wearing his iconic #9 on the sleeves of their uniforms.
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
UNCLE JOHN’S EARLY YEARS OF HOCKEY
Where It All Began
Miner League Hockey?
The Real Millionaires
From Renfrew to Replays
Hockey in the Trenches
Hockey Hero
When Hockey Trumped Hitler
First Photo
THOSE OTHER LEAGUES
Down in the Eh, Eh?
The 10-Cent-Beer-Night Caper!!
The “Other” Big League
Jet-Propelled Oilers
Their Cup Runneth Over
Other NHLs
On the Table
THE GREATS
The Fabulous Nines
Hockey’s First Olympic MVP
Brothers-In-Twine
Béliveau Says No
Crossover Artists
Direct Lines
1987: Pure Heaven
Red
Bobby Orr of Hockey Lore
The Great Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Hockey Quiz
The First Great Draft
The Great One
The Many Sides of Tie
Defining Moment in Hockey
LAW & ORDER
The Richard Riot
Injured, Weirdly
Legendary Meltdowns
The Men in Stripes
The Green-Maki Stick Fight
The Bodyguard
THE RECORD BOOK
Medical Records
And the Award Goes To…
The Versatile Dit
A Young Man’s Game
Sophomore Jinx
Hockey Goes to Hollywood
A Novel Game
Vital Statistics
Keep It in the Family
The Long and Short of It
THE ROAD TO THE CUP
Stanley Cup Strata
Models of Consistency
The Longest Road Trip
Big, Bad, and Broad
Draft Day Drama
Lengthy Stays on the Throne
Best in the Crunch
Hold That Tiger
OFF-ICE PERSONALITIES
Was the Major a Kernel?
He Shoots! He Scores!
Losing with Pizzazz
Best Behind the Bench
Jolly Jack?
Gallivan-ting
Doughnut Disaster
The Legend of Taro Tsujimoto
Irrepressible Roger
THE CHARACTERS
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Rink
The Vanished Leaf
Eddie, You’re Out!
Tiger Talk
Eddie Shore’s Wild Ride
A Boy and His Dog
Buzzer Beaters
Winner’s Heart in A Comedian’s Body
All Bets Are Off
Those Nutty Netminders
The Fabulous Fatman
Clear the Track!
The Noble Goalie
Father Hockey
UNSUNG PIONEERS OF THE GAME
Hockey’s Color Change
Stay-at-Home Czechs and Russians
The Founding Father of Modern-Day Goaltending
Skirts and Slapshots
The Flying Fem Finn
Europe Invades
Shattering the Ice Ceiling
The Stylish Swede
More Than Just a Game
Pioneer on Ice
THE WORLD STAGE
Goal(s) Heard ’Round the World
A Woman’s Game
The Big Red Machine
Wild at the World Hockey Championships
Miracle on Ice
Sinden’s Thoughts on Glasnost
Engraving Errors
Don’t Bother to Knock
Brief Tour of Duty
Don’t Mention That Trade
When You Gotta Go
Million Dollar “M”
So Be Good, for Goodness Sake!
Things Not to Say to the Boss’ Wife
May the Best Man Win
ACCESSORIES OF HOCKEY
A Numbers Game
N-H-L-Mets
How to Make Ice
The Masked Marvel
A Tale of Two Blockers
Masked Messages
Z Is for Zamboni
Equipment Pioneers
How to Make a Hockey Puck
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Puck
How to Marry a Millionaire
Hairy Times in Hockey
UNDERDOGS, UNDERACHIEVERS, & UNLIKELY HEROES
Little Big Men
Hero for a Game
Hey Kid! Suit Up!
Their 15 Minutes
Sieves and Swiss Cheese
Rare Jewel and a King
What Ever Happened To…?
CEREMONIES & SUPERSTITIONS
You Are Getting Sleepy, Very Sleepy
Very Superstitious
Curse of Muldoon
Animal Icecapades
The Battle of Alberta
Are All Goalies Crackpots?
The Incredible Goodbyes
MIXED BAG
The Name Game
Donors v. Recipients
Hockey? Good Grief
Slap Shot Science
8 Places to Sk8 Before You Die
Stick Action (Off the Ice)
Nude Hockey News
Weird Hockey News
THE BUSINESS OF HOCKEY
The House That Smythe Built
Rise of the Union
Morenz Money, Not More Money
Owners of the Game
It’s All About the Game…Or Is It?
The Labor Front
The Duke and the Tampa Bay Lightning
Hype and Pucks in New York
LET ’EM ENTERTAIN YOU
Paris Hilton: Hockey Player
Sitcom Hockey
Hockey Pubs
Welcome to Hockeyville
THE LAST PAGE
* * * * *
“Every day is a great day for hockey.”
—Mario Lemieux
INTRODUCTION TO THE NEW EDITION
WELCOME, HOCKEY FANS!
What do a bunch of West Coast pop culture geeks know about hockey? That’s the challenge our friends in Canada gave us back in 2005 when we published the first Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Shoots and Scores. They even bet us four loonies and a case of Molson that we couldn’t do it, but we surprised them with a colossal compendium chock full of facts, figures, and trivia tidbits. Hockey has changed since then, though, and Uncle John wondered recently if it would be a good idea to update our book for all our new fans.
THEY SHOOT! THEY SCORE!
So last winter, when most of us at the BRI were spending too many chilly weekends glued to our sofas watching Hockey Night in Canada on satellite, Uncle John called us “a bunch of slovenly Americans” and encouraged us to get out there and actually play some hockey instead…for inspiration.
We still didn’t have any ice, so once again, it was shinny—road hockey—for us. We headed out to the frozen concrete in front of the BRI with our taped-up sticks, a couple of old tennis balls, and two plungers for goal posts. After some annoying vehicular interruptions (“CAR!”), we got right to it, impersonating our favorite hockey heroes on our ultimate dream teams: “Gretzky passes to Lemieux, Lemieux streaks past Hull, Messier races in and steals the puck, he passes to Jagr who hammers it at the net, Crosby reaches for it…he SCOOOORES! And they win the Stanley Cup!”
After the game, the BRI AllStar Shinny Team got to talking about the updated edition: playing hockey was pretty fun, and reading more about it was bound to be a blast! So we decided to dust off our old copies of Shoots and Scores and plunge into all the new hockey trivia out there to see if there was enough to update and expand the book. After a bucket of fries with vinegar and three cups of cocoa each (well, Amy had tea), eureka! We discovered that there was!
UJ DRAFT DAY
So we enlisted the help of all the hockey fans we know (“hockey experts,” they call themselves), and they came up with more than 70 new pages of interesting stories, hilarious history, fascinating quotes, and at least four entirely useless facts.
So get ready for the puck to drop. There are no refs in this game (though we do mention a few in the book…), but please try to stay out of the penalty box. Enjoy! Game on!
And as always…
Go with the flow, eh?
—Uncle John and the BRI Staff
THE NAME GAME
Want to know why you call your favorite hockey team the Stars, the Flames, or the Devils? Read on.
• The Calgary Flames inherited their name from the Atlanta Flames when that franchise was sold and relocated to Alberta in 1980. The original team was named after the fire that General William T. Sherman’s Union troops set in Atlanta as they blazed their way across the South at the end of the U.S. Civil War.
• The name of the Columbus Blue Jackets was also inspired by Civil War history. It’s a reference to the blue uniforms worn by Union soldiers and celebrates the fact that Ohio contributed more soldiers per capita to the war than any other state in the Union. (Ohio is also the home state of pyromaniacal General Sherman—see above.)
• The Dallas Stars were not so-named because Texas is the “Lone Star State.” The franchise was originally the Minnesota North Stars, named for Minnesota’s state motto: “L’Etoile du Nord” (French for “star of the North”). The team moved to Dallas in 1993, but left the “North” part behind.
• The Nashville Predators are named in tribute to the saber-toothed cat bones that were found in 1971 in downtown Nashville when workmen were excavating land for the construction of a new bank.
• When the NHL’s Colorado Rockies relocated to New Jersey in 1982, they renamed themselves the New Jersey Devils for a mysterious, evil, winged creature called the “Jersey Devil” that, legend says, roamed the Pine Barrens of southern New Jersey in the 18th, 19th, and early 20th centuries.
• The inspiration for the name Tampa Bay Lightning actually comes from the weather. According to the St. Petersburg Times, Tampa is the “lightning capital of the nation.” In June 1993, at the conclusion of the franchise’s first NHL season, more than 21,000 cloud-to-ground lightning flashes occurred within a 50-mile radius of Tampa Bay.
DONORS V. RECIPIENTS
Are you ready for some…er…interesting hockey?
PRIEST v. SEMINARIANS
Every February, priests from across the U.S. and Canada congregate at the St. Thomas Aquinas Seminary (a Roman Catholic high school in Winona, Minnesota) for meetings on religious topics. They also have a hockey game. Every year since 1988, the visiting priests form a team and face off at a local ice arena against a team of kids from the school. “When they all meet at center ice and do their Latin prayer,” says rink manager Jim Martin, “it really is surreal.” Best part: many of the priests choose to play in their robes. (The priests have beaten the kids just twice in the game’s history.)
SEEING V. NON-SEEING
If you ever get a chance to see the Toronto-based Ice Owls play hockey, the first thing you’ll notice is that the game sounds different. That’s because the puck is hollow…and filled with bits of metal that make it rattle as it moves across the ice. That’s so the Ice Owl players, who are either vision-impaired or completely blind, can hear it. The Ice Owls have been around since 1972, and every year they play in benefit games all over Canada. (You can find their schedule on their Web site.)
TISSUE DONORS V. TISSUE RECIPIENTS
In April 2011, two hockey teams faced off in Halifax, Nova Scotia. One team was made up of people
who had donated organ tissue to people in need of transplants. The other: people who had received organ transplants. It was the second annual “Donor v. Recipient” hockey game, brainchild of Halifax-based “Life: Pass It On,” an organ donation advocacy group. Among the players on the recipient side: goalie Trevor Umlah, whom the organization’s Web site describes as an “ice hockey goalie with a slow glove hand, gaping 5-hole, cystic fibrosis, and brand new lungs.” Winner of the 2011 game: Everybody. (Although the score was Recipients, 3, Donors 2.)
ENGRAVING ERRORS
As the largest trophy awarded by any major North American professional sports league, the Stanley Cup has a lot of surface area—lots of room for names to be engraved…and lots of room for errors.
• Hockey Hall of Fame goalie Jacques Plante won the Cup six times and his name suffered four different misspellings: Jocko, Jack, Jacq, and Plant.
• A few other Hall of Famers also experienced misspelled names: in 1951, Toronto’s Ted Kennedy became Kennedyy; in 1952, Detroit’s Alex Delvecchio became Belvecchio, and teammate Glenn Hall became Glin. (Hall shouldn’t even have been included that year; he didn’t play for Detroit until the next season.)
• Dickie Moore won six Cups with the Montreal Canadiens, and his name was rendered five different ways: D. Moore, Richard Moore, R. Moore, Dickie Moore, and Rich Moore.
• Pete Palangio appears twice on the Cup, despite winning it only once. His name was accidentally engraved twice as a member of the 1938 Chicago Black Hawks…once correctly and once as Palagio.
• Even the names of the teams themselves weren’t foolproof. According to the inscription, the Cup was won by the Toronto Maple “Leaes” in 1963, by the “Bqstqn” Bruins in 1972, and the New York “Ilanders” in 1981.
• Edmonton Oilers owner Peter Pocklington tried to pull a fast one on the NHL when his team won the Cup in 1984. As a tribute to his dad Basil, a huge hockey fan, he sneaked his father’s name into the list of team names. Alas, the NHL caught up to him and had the name “Basil Pocklington” deleted by having X’s engraved over each letter.
• In 1996 Adam Deadmarsh of the Cup-winning Colorado Avalanche became the first player inscribed on the cup in NHL history to be honored with a correction. His name was initially spelled “Deadmarch.”
MEDICAL RECORDS
Like all professional team sports, hockey keeps track of its players’ distinguished statistical achievements. But what about those not-so-distinguished records? Here are four that show just how dangerous the game is.