Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Shoots and Scores

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  * * * * *

  “You have to know what pro hockey is all about. You have to live and breathe and sleep it. You have to lose a few teeth and take some shots to the face. It’s not a pretty thing.”

  —Ted Nolan,

  former Sabres coach

  “We know that hockey is where we live, where we can best meet and overcome pain and wrong and death. Life is just a place where we spend time between games.”

  —Fred Shero,

  former Flyers coach

  HOCKEY GOES TO HOLLYWOOD

  The greatest stories ever told.

  In the long history of hockey movies, two distinct plots appear time and again, “the ragtag team achieves unlikely victory” and “the star forward vs. the gangsters.” Some films diverge from these well-worn paths, though, and sometimes farther than you’d expect—opera characters in drag? But keep your eyes peeled for real-life stars in these fictional fantasies, and remember not to fall in love with the coach’s daughter.

  The King of Hockey (1936)

  Gabby Dugan is under pressure from a gambling syndicate to stop scoring a dozen goals a game. His goalie wrongly suspects him of giving in to temptation and cracks Gabby over the head with his goal-stick, blinding him. Gabby recovers in time to win the big game, then he and the goalie are friends again, no questions asked.

  The Game That Kills (1937)

  After the star forward of the Indians is “accidentally” killed during a game, his brother Alec joins the team under a false name in order to uncover the truth—he suspects a gambling syndicate. He falls in love with the coach’s daughter (Rita Hayworth), but the Indians’ evil owner kidnaps her in order to force Alec to throw the big game.

  Idol of the Crowds (1937)

  Star forward Johnny Hansen (John Wayne) comes out of retirement, not to win any championship but simply to make enough cash to expand his chicken farm. A gambling syndicate pressures him to throw the big game, but he refuses, and they make an attempt on his life that injures his brother Bobby, the team mascot.

  Face-Off (1971)

  A hockey player falls in love with a folksinger, and their relationship is complicated by their contrasting careers. Features speaking roles for Jim Dorey, Paul Henderson, Mike Pelyk, Rick Ley, George Armstrong and Derek Sanderson, and based on the novel by Scott Young (musician Neil’s dad.)

  Slap Shot (1977)

  Reggie Dunlop (Paul Newman), the player-coach of the Charlestown Chiefs, must deal with a bullheaded owner, angry crowds and on-ice thuggery in this legendary comedy, which displays a level of violence and profanity entirely appropriate to the minor league game of the mid-70s. Notable Chiefs include the brawling Hanson Brothers (remember Idol of the Crowds?).

  The Hounds of Notre Dame (1980)

  During the Great Depression, rough-talking, whisky-drinking Pere Athol Murray crafts an incredibly successful hockey program at Notre Dame College in Wilcox, Saskatchewan. More than 100 former Hounds have played in the NHL, including Rod Brind’Amour, Wendel Clark, Curtis Joseph, Vincent Lecavalier, and Brad Richards.

  Hockey Night (1984)

  Cathy Yarrow (Megan Follows) meets with resistance when she wants to tend goal for her high school’s team, but she also finds unexpected support from the team’s star forward, Spear Kozak. Sparks fly between Spear and Yarrow, who shines in the big game.

  Youngblood (1985)

  Dean Youngblood (Rob Lowe), gentlemanly forward for the Hamilton Mustangs, is told to fight if he wants to attract NHL scouts. He falls in love with the coach’s daughter. Former Black Hawk Eric Nesterenko stars as Lowe’s father, and Peter Zezel and Steve Thomas appear in speaking parts. A local goaltender named Keanu Reeves scored a bit part in the film due to his hockey skills; he was so excited by his big-screen debut that he packed and left for Hollywood to try for a new career in acting.

  Perfectly Normal (1990)

  Renzo Parachi is an inspector at a Toronto beer-bottling plant, goalie on the company team, and part-time cab driver. One of his fares plans on using Renzo’s late mother’s estate to finance a restaurant at which the waiters will be opera characters in drag. A bloodthirsty on-ice rivalry with another factory’s team continues.

  The Cutting Edge (1992)

  NHL prospect Doug Dorsey is injured in a game against West Germany at the 1988 Calgary Olympics. Unable to play professionally, he becomes pairs partner to ill-tempered figure skater Kate Moseley, and after torturous weeks of training they take both their budding romance and groundbreaking routine into international competition.

  The Mighty Ducks, I–III (1992–1996)

  I: Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez), a hotshot Minnesota lawyer, is ordered by the courts to coach the worst peewee hockey team in the league. A ragtag bunch, he eventually gains their respect and teaches them how to win, but in the big game they must face a team led by Gordon’s old coach, witness to his greatest childhood failure.

  II: Gordon becomes coach of Team USA for the Junior Goodwill Games in California. He whips the Ducks and a few new players into a crack squad, but becomes distracted by Hollywood hype and the threat of facing the hockey powerhouse of Iceland in the big game.

  III: Back in Minnesota, the Ducks receive scholarships to prestigious Eden Hall Academy, but must labor under an uptight new coach as they prepare to face the favored Varsity team. Before the big game, Gordon must intervene to steer Duck captain Charlie away from his path of self-destruction.

  Sudden Death (1995)

  Fireman Darren McCord (Jean-Claude Van Damme) takes his kids to see the Blackhawks play the Penguins in the Stanley Cup final, but when his daughter is kidnapped by a mascot he learns that terrorists are also holding the vice-president of the United States. Before the game ends McCord must find and defuse ten bombs hidden in the crowded arena. Luc Robitaille can be seen scoring a pivotal goal.

  Les Boys, I–III (1997–2001)

  I: Made-in-Quebec film (where it’s incredibly popular) starring Marc (as opposed to Mark) Messier. In a Monday-night league, beloved coach Stan leads a ragtag bunch of guys—lawyers, police officers and mechanics—“with pucks tattooed on their hearts.”

  II: Champions at home, the boys travel to France for a tournament, but their enthusiasm is quickly doused by nightmarish living conditions and the unexpected tenacity of the rival teams.

  III: Back in Quebec, the team prepares for a new season, but, as Stan sadly discovers, his once-light-hearted players have been corrupted by big money.

  Mystery, Alaska (1998)

  Mystery, Alaska’s amateur team agrees to play the New York Rangers in an exhibition game, and town sheriff John Biebe (Russell Crowe) offers his coaching position to the legendary Judge Burns (Burt Reynolds). Phil Esposito and Jim Fox appear as TV announcers, while Mike (Austin Powers) Myers does his best Don Cherry impersonation.

  MVP: Most Valuable Primate (1999)

  Jack, a chimpanzee with a genius IQ, sleeps through his stop for the El Simian primate reserve and winds up in a small Canadian town. Befriended by deaf Tara Westover, Jack joins her brother Steven’s ragtag hockey team and tries to change their losing ways before he’s whisked back to the research lab.

  Miracle (2004)

  Minnesota coach Herb Brooks (Kurt Russell) takes the reins of Team USA and whips a ragtag bunch of college kids into shape before they face the Soviets at the 1980 Lake Placid Olympics. Al Michaels asks the millions at home, “Do you believe in miracles?”

  Score: A Hockey Musical (2010)

  This one follows the misadventures of 17-year-old oddball Farley Gordon (Noah Reid), a kid blessed with amazing puck-handling skills, but raised as a pacifist. The conundrum of a gentle guy playing a not-so-gentle game is presented as a joke—but audiences weren’t amused. A CBC film critic summed it up best: “This corny movie belongs in the penalty box.” Still, full points for rhyming “Zamboni” with “baloney” in a song.

  JET-PROPELLED OILERS

  How the WHA Winnipeg Jets, built on European talent, inspired the Edmonto
n Oilers’ record-setting offence.

  Glen Sather was a defensive pest during his ten-season NHL career with six teams, producing a grand total of only 80 goals and 193 points in 660 games. But placed in charge of the Edmonton Oilers, he built the highest scoring team in NHL history: They became the only club to score more than 400 goals in a season and did it five times over for good measure. While Sather learned a little about the speed-and-attack approach to the game in a season with the mid-1970s Montreal Canadiens, the organization that invented the “firewagon hockey” inspiration for the Oilers’ style was the Winnipeg Jets of the World Hockey Association.

  JETSETTERS

  “I played and coached against that good Jets team and saw firsthand the way they played the game,” Sather said. “I said if I ever was in charge of a team, the Jets style would be the way my team played.” The “Jets style” was to build a roster around players with offensive skill, employing flair and creativity in the manner of top European teams. The value of the approach was particularly established by the USSR national team when it extended Team Canada’s star-studded 1972 Summit Series lineup to a tightly fought eight-game series.

  STAR SEARCH

  The Jets were a charter member of the WHA when it was organized as a rival to the NHL in 1972. NHL superstar Bobby Hull was drawn to the Jets and the new league by a huge, league-shared signing bonus and the top salary in the sport, giving the new circuit instantaneous credibility. Hull did the expected, topping the 50-goal mark in his first two WHA seasons, even while toiling with competent but below-star-level linemates.

  The escalation of big-league teams from six to 28 in five years had diluted the player pool, a factor that combined with the positive exposure of the 1972 series to force pro teams to consider Europe as a potential source of players. While NHL recruitment of Scandinavians started slowly due to the old notion that Europeans couldn’t handle physical play, the WHA—led by Winnipeg—moved quickly to acquire Swedish and Finnish players.

  ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON DISCOVERS THE SHOE

  Dr. Gerry Wilson, a member of the Jets’ executive, was a first-rate Montreal Canadiens prospect in the 1950s until chronic knee problems at the junior level led him to a new career as an orthopedic surgeon. During studies abroad, he watched the Swedish Elite Division and was impressed by the high caliber of players. Wilson became friends with young forward Anders Hedberg and suggested to the Jets that they consider recruiting Swedish players. In 1974, the Jets signed goalie Curt Larsson, defenceman Lars-Erik Sjoberg—known universally as “The Shoe”—forwards Hedberg and Ulf Nilsson from Sweden; and defenceman Hexi Riihiranta and center Veli-Pekka Ketola from Finland. When the 1974–75 season opened, one of pro hockey’s most exciting teams hit the ice.

  SCANDINAVIAN INVASION

  “At the 1974 World Championship in Finland, the Shoe, Anders Hedberg and I talked about moving to Canada or the U.S. to play hockey,” Ulf Nilsson said. “We all had contract offers from NHL clubs: Shoe from Minnesota, Anders with the Maple Leafs and me with Buffalo. But Shoe suggested that if we all went to one team, maybe we could influence that team to play our style of hockey. Winnipeg was the place and although signing with the Jets cost us some money over the long haul, it was the right move.”

  Because Hull was the Jet “franchise,” the team would use the style he suggested. But when he played his first training camp shift with Hedberg and Nilsson, the Golden Jet knew the way to go. “When I saw the skill and intelligence they had on the ice, I volunteered to play their style and forget about mine,” Hull said. “With Anders and Ulfie up front and the Shoe on the back end—their skill plus Lars-Erik’s great mind about the game and his ability to quarterback the attack—we had a high old time for four seasons.”

  DON CHERRY JUST CALLS IT “THE ICE CAPADES”

  The Jets played in circles, not in pro hockey’s traditional straight lines, marking the first serious North American use of the “flow-and-motion” style. The three forwards, with 573 goals and 1,377 points in four seasons, were a joy to behold. Harry Neale coached against the Jets with two WHA teams, and after a stint in the NHL became a TV analyst for Hockey Night in Canada.

  “In our big-league hockey, the neutral zone between the blue lines was just an area you had skate though to get to your attacking zone,” Neale said. “But the Europeans used it to set up their attack. The Jets with Hull and the Swedes were the first North American team to adopt that style. They’d come into the neutral zone three abreast but by the time they hit your blue line, they’d be in different lanes than where they started. Their crossovers produced all sorts of offensive chances because the defences had problems figuring out who was covering which Jet.”

  OR, JUST CALL ON NO. 99…

  Sather joined the WHA Oilers as a player in 1976–77 and was named playing coach halfway through the season. When the Oilers entered the NHL for 1979–80, Sather had accumulated the roles of club president, GM and head coach, making it pretty darn easy to strive for whatever kind of team he wanted. “I modelled our team after the WHA Jets, especially the way they had that little Sjoberg as a big part of their attack,” Sather said. “He would move behind the play by the Hull line and somewhere on the rush, the puck often would go back to him and he would move it to an open man. He was the first defenceman to truly play the same role as the great midfielders in soccer, the guys who choreographed the attack.”

  Of course, the Oilers entered the NHL with a head start because they brought Wayne Gretzky with them…and all he did was become the highest scorer in NHL history. But Sather also drafted forwards Mark Messier, Glenn Anderson, and Jari Kurri and fleet defenceman Paul Coffey, and quickly the gifted youngsters matured into the finest offensive team ever. Maybe the team names should have been reversed: The Oilers’ speed made them the “jets” of hockey while the Jets’ offshore work found them high-grade hockey “oil.”

  SITCOM HOCKEY

  A few memorable moments when the greatest sport in the world made its way to TV-land. (Warning: Spoilers!)

  NEVER LOVE A GOALIE” (Cheers, 1987)

  In 1987 a new character appeared on Cheers: Eddie LeBec, native of Quebec—and the new goalie for the Boston Bruins. (Cheers was set in Boston.) Barmaid Carla (who says that she’s always had a thing for “goalies and catchers—guys who wear masks”) is smitten. The two start seeing each other, but when the Bruins start losing, Eddie decides Carla is a jinx. They eventually solve the problem by breaking up…before every game and then getting back together afterward. Eddie and Carla eventually get married, and the goalie remained a character on Cheers, if largely unseen, for the next three seasons. Why did he finally leave? The actor who portrayed him, Jay Thomas, says he was fired because he made a disparaging remark about Rhea Perlman, who played Carla, on a radio show. That may be true: producers killed off Eddie Lebec in a 1989 episode…by having him run over by a Zamboni machine.

  “THE HOCKEY SHOW” (The Nanny, 1996)

  Fran (Fran Drescher) starts dating Mike LaVoe (Anthony Addabbo), who plays for the New York Rangers and turns out to be extremely superstitious. (He tells Fran, for example, that when the team is on a winning streak, he doesn’t change his underwear.) They go to a game, the Rangers lose, and LaVoe tells Fran it’s her fault because she wore red shoes to the game. Then Fran becomes known all over New York as a Rangers jinx. She threatens to wear the shoes again unless LaVoe publicly apologizes. He does, the Rangers win, and another episode of The Nanny comes to a merciful end. Bonus: Legendary former Rangers’ Ron Greschner (defenceman, 1974–90) and John Davidson (goalie, 1975–83) both appeared in the episode as themselves.

  “STANLEY’S CUP” (South Park, 2006)

  (Warning: South Park–levels of politically incorrect irreverence ahead.) Stan’s bike is towed because he has too many unpaid parking tickets, and to get the bike back, he has to perform community service—in the form of coaching a pee-wee hockey team. He finds out that one of the kids on his team has cancer. The kid ends up in the hospital, and in
a parody of hundreds of sports movies, the kid asks Stan to win the big game for him. The big game turns out to be a Stanley Cup Finals game against the Detroit Red Wings. (The details are complicated.) The Red Wings pummel the kids, and win the game 32–2, and the kid with cancer dies. The End. (P.S. No actual kids were harmed in the making of this program. We hope.)

  “MAC’S BIG BREAK” (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)

  In this 2010 episode, Mac (Rob McElhenney) and Charlie (Charlie Kelly) call a Philadelphia radio show to answer a Flyers trivia question. They’re asked “Which player holds the team’s record for goals in one season?” Mac guesses, “Reggie Leach?”—and he’s right. He wins a chance to take a shot at an open net at a Flyers game. If he makes the shot, he gets to go hang out with the radio show deejays and pro athletes. When the big day comes, they go to the game (the footage is from an actual Flyers game), and the crowd goes bananas when Mac makes the shot. Then he wakes up: Mac had actually slipped as soon as he stepped onto the ice, fell on his face, and was knocked unconscious. He made the shot in his dreams only. Later, he finds out that Charlie took the shot in his place—and missed “by a mile.”

  EXTRAS

  A few more hockey-inspired television shows:

  • “Lisa on Ice” (The Simpsons, 1994): Lisa becomes a star goalie for a pee wee team…that faces off against Bart’s team.

  • “The Face Painter” (Seinfeld, 1995): Elaine dates a guy who is an obsessive New Jersey Devils fan and goes to games with his face painted in Devils colors. Elaine doesn’t approve.

  • “Black” (Rescue Me, 2010): The episode features the characters playing in the annual hockey game between New York City’s fire and police departments. (That game actually happens.) Special guest on the show: One of the greatest to ever play the game, NHL Hall of Famer Phil Esposito. He plays hockey-playing fire chief “Izzy” and has actually appeared on the show several times.