Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Shoots and Scores

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Jacques Plante is the choice of many as the best goalie ever. Certainly he was the most innovative: A serious, intelligent man whose status as a flake was acquired unintentionally. Plante was the first goalie to wear a protective face mask regularly, the first to venture out of the net to block shoot-ins around the boards and clear the puck to teammates. He always insisted necessity was the mother of his invention: “I got sick of being hit in the face with pucks, especially deflected slapshots, so I wore a mask,” Plante said. “Management opposed it and felt it showed I had lost my nerve. But it wasn’t their faces that were being stitched all the time. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that a mask could stop the stitches.”

  IT CAME TO ME IN A DREAM

  “In semi-pro hockey, I played behind a defence that had two players who couldn’t skate backwards and two who couldn’t pivot. I skated better than any of them so I started to go out to clear loose pucks. When I did it with the Canadiens, management figured I was showboating, even when it helped us win.” Canadien coach Toe Blake figured Plante was a hypochondriac who dreamed up ailments, especially asthma, that showed at strange times. Plante insisted that the team’s hotel in Toronto caused asthma flare-ups and Blake allowed him to stay in a different hotel. But he appeared at Maple Leaf Gardens the next morning with his asthma in full bloom, and his explanation caused Blake to react as if he had encountered a complete nut. “I dreamed I was sleeping in the team’s hotel and when I woke up the next morning, my asthma had flared up,” Plante said. When the Canadiens traded Plante a year after he was named the NHL’s most valuable player, Blake said, “I couldn’t cope with his nonsense any more. He was driving me nuts, always something wrong with him.”

  “IT STILL BOTHERS ME FROM TIME TO TIME…”

  Gilles Gratton was a goalie who was truly different, a pure flake, who logged time in the WHA with the Toronto Toros and in the NHL with the Rangers and St. Louis Blues. Gratton was into reincarnation, meditation, playing the piano, streaking and often stated that his ambition was to become a star in pornographic movies. He claimed that what had happened in his several previous lives influenced his current one. When he was with the Rangers and said he could not play in a game because of a leg injury, GM John Ferguson asked him when he had suffered the injury. “I was a soldier in the Franco-Prussian war and was wounded in the leg,” Gratton said. “It still bothers me from time to time.” Gratton had a tiger’s features painted on his face mask in honor of his being a tiger in one of his previous lives on earth. The Ranger players complained to Ferguson “that Gratton growls like a bloody tiger behind the mask.”

  PLAY TO PAY

  Walter “Turk” Broda rates at or near the top of the list of goalies who have excelled in the pressure of the Stanley Cup playoffs, a major reason the Maple Leafs won Cups. His goals-against average during the schedule was a solid 2.53 in 629 games but in the playoffs, he lowered the mark to 1.98 in 101 games. Broda was a hearty, fun-loving man who enjoyed life and offered the “typically goalie’s” explanation for his postseason brilliance. “I suppose I was too dumb to realize how serious it was in the playoffs and never let it get to me,” Broda said. “Also we didn’t make big salaries in the 1940s and I really needed the playoff bonuses to pay my bills.”

  The pressure did reach a few goalies. The wife of Wilf Cude of the Montreal Canadiens in the 1930s prepared his game-day steak and, for no reason, Cude hurled the steak against the kitchen wall. “In the time it took that steak to hit the wall, then fall to the floor, I retired,” Cude said. “I had been on edge long enough.”

  * * * * *

  “Playing goal is like being shot at.”

  —Jacques Plante

  “Goaltenders are three sandwiches shy of a picnic. From the moment primitive man lurched erect, he survived on the principle that when something hard and potentially lethal comes toward you at great velocity, get the hell out of it’s path.”

  —sports journalist Jim Taylor

  “I’m not dumb enough to be a goalie.”

  —Brett Hull

  * * * * *

  Goalie Jim Stewart must have the worst goalie stats on record, and it all happened in twenty minutes. Jim’s entire NHL career lasted only one period, but that was long enough for him to let in an embarrassing five goals on nine shots as his Boston Bruins lost 7–4 to the St. Louis Blues in January, 1980.

  SO BE GOOD, FOR GOODNESS SAKE

  Nothing throws the bah-humbug into a Christmas celebration quite like one of hockey’s bitterest rivalries.

  In December 2003, when the New York Islanders offered anyone dressed as Santa Claus a free ticket to a pre-Christmas game against the Philadelphia Flyers, the idea was to add holiday spirit to—and fill a few empty seats in—Nassau Coliseum. They even invited the 1,000 faux-Santas onto the ice for a parade between periods.

  What the Islanders promotions department didn’t count on was a trio of Saint Nicks throwing off their red-and-white coats to reveal the red-and-blue jerseys of the Islanders’ enemies, the New York Rangers. The bitter intrastate rivalry regularly features as many fights in the stands as on the ice, so it was no surprise that the Islanders faithful responded by jumping the Rangers fans, ripping off the offending jerseys, and pummelling the intruders to the ice. Security was on the scene, but calming the free-for-all wasn’t easy as more fans took advantage of the chaos by sliding across the ice. It took nearly 10 minutes to clear the fans from the ice, which almost forced officials to delay the start of the second period.

  THE RIVALRY CONTINUES

  The Islanders, who rallied in the third period for a 4–2 win, said after the game that they weren’t even aware of the between-period melee. But more than a few were smiling after being debriefed. It’s not surprising given the history of the rivalry between the Manhattan-based Rangers and their cousins from Long Island. Officially the two teams play for the Pat LaFontaine Trophy, awarded to the winner of the season series. Unofficially, respect, dignity, and regional pride are at stake—for the fans as well as the players. In addition to the frequent fisticuffs off the ice, there have even been reports of parking lots charging Rangers fans more at Islanders home games. Brawling Santas, however, may be hard to top…even in New York.

  HOCKEY PUBS

  If you’re in one of these cities and you’re in need of a cold one…and a hockey game…you’ll know where to go.

  TOM REID’S HOCKEY CITY PUB

  Location: 258 7th Street West, St. Paul, Minnesota

  This is a family-friendly pub/restaurant, serving simple food—burgers, wings, ribs, and the like—with a big beer selection, including Canadian brands (and Guinness). And there is hockey memorabilia everywhere—and not just the cheap stuff either. That’s because owner Tom Reid has connections: he was an NHL defenceman for 11 years, nine of them with the Minnesota North Stars. (Now, of course, they’re the Dallas Stars.) Today, Tom Reid’s is the hangout of Minnesota Wild fans, and every game plays on several big-screen TVs. And the Xcel Energy Center, where the Wild play, is just two blocks away, so it’s perfect for a pre- or post-game snack.

  THE FLYING PUCK

  Location: 364 7th Avenue, New York, New York

  The Puck is a straight-up bar, so it’s not for the whole family, although it has a reputation for being clean—even the bathrooms! It is definitely a Rangers’ fan hangout—it’s just a short walk from Madison Square Garden—but is also a hockey fan hangout, no matter what team you follow. The food is Irish-pub themed (they offer what’s called a reuben egg roll, which gets rave reviews). And of course, there’s hockey-themed decor—including Rangers-inspired, stained-glass skylights.

  THE GARAGE

  Location: 200 Barclay Parade SW, Calgary, Alberta

  If you want an intimate pub feel, don’t go here. This place is huge, holding up to 500 people. The New York Times called it “a hip warehouse-of-a-bar/restaurant.”) And it’s a serious sports bar, with sporting paraphernalia everywhere, and roughly 8,000 televisions. (Okay, we exaggerated.
A little.) If you want to watch a big NHL game in Calgary—especially if it’s a Flames game—with a whole bunch of people who know and love hockey, this is the place. And the pizza comes highly recommended.

  THE MAPLE LEAF

  Location: 41 Maiden Lane, London, England

  If you’re a Canadian traveling in England and hankering for a taste of home, this place is for you. The Maple Leaf has Canadian beer; Canadian cuisine, including Hudson Bay cod and chips and poutine; a portrait of Molson Brewing Company founder John Molson; and even a stuffed grizzly bear. More importantly, it has televisions, and they play hockey—lots of hockey. That includes NHL games—especially Canadian teams—and European league games as well.

  RESTAURANT MOMESSO

  Location: 5562 Upper Lachine Road, Montreal, Quebec

  This is a family-friendly favorite of Canadiens fans, right in the middle of a residential neighborhood in the city’s west end. And it has an NHL pedigree—the owner is Montreal native Sergio Momesso, who played in the NHL for 13 seasons, five of them with the Habs. The walls are tastefully decorated with hockey memorabilia, including several signed photographs of NHL stars. Bonus: Momesso is also a highly rated Italian eatery, and their spicy sausage subs—with cole slaw—are called the best in the city.

  THE PENALTY BOX

  Location: 65 Causeway, Boston, Massachusetts

  The Box is—and they probably wouldn’t argue—a dive bar. They don’t do fancy drinks; they don’t take credit cards; if the staff wants to be rude, they will be; and don’t try to call them…because they don’t have a phone. Oh yeah—and the bar is across the street from the Garden. So it’s the perfect spot for a pre-game, post-game, during-game, or any-old-time cool beverage. (Want some fun? Go to the Penalty Box on a Friday night and yell, “Go Flyers!” really loud. No, don’t. Really. Please. Don’t.)

  DOUGHNUT DISASTER

  The phrase “Have another doughnut” has had a special place in hockey history as a part of New Jersey Devils coach Jim Schoenfeld’s legendary dust-up with referee Don Koharski. It was also the prelude to one of the most embarrassing Stanley Cup playoff games ever.

  HOW IT ALL BEGAN

  On May 6, 1988, in New Jersey Devils were battling the Boston Bruins at New Jersey’s Meadowlands Stadium during the Stanley Cup playoffs. It was game 3 in the conference final series, with each team having won a game apiece. The Devils had been in New Jersey for only six years, and they and their young coach Jim Schoenfeld (best known for his 11 seasons with the Buffalo Sabres) were eager to prove themselves by besting the Bruins and going on to win the Stanley Cup.

  Don Koharski was the referee in game 3, and during the first period, Schoenfeld fumed over several calls he made, but one in particular stuck out: When Koharski called a two-minute holding penalty against the Devil’s captain, Kirk Muller, the Bruins’ Keith Crowder and the Devils’ Pat Verbeek got into a skirmish. Crowder threw the first punch, but he got only a two-minute roughing penalty, while Verbeek inexplicably got four. During the time that Muller and then Verbeek were in the penalty box, the Devils were outnumbered and Boston scored three goals. It put the Devils into a hole they never climbed out of.

  The Bruins took the game 6-1. Growing ever angrier, Schoenfeld believed that Koharski’s call against Verbeek helped give Boston a crucial win, and that he gave an edge to the Bruins because they had status as one of the NHL’s original teams, whereas the Devils were upstarts. “I felt it was my job as coach of those kids to take a stand for them,” Schoenfeld later said.

  THE GREAT FALL

  The problem was that Schoenfeld’s idea of “taking a stand” was lingering around, waiting for Koharski as he left the arena, and then berating him about the calls. While Koharski, still on skates, rushed from the ice and into the tunnel, a furious Schoenfeld blocked his way to argue some more. Suddenly, Koharski stumbled on the carpeting and was sure that Schoenfeld had shoved him. The referee got to his feet and immediately threatened Schoenfeld: “You’re through! You’ll never coach another game! You’re gone!”

  At that point, Schoenfeld shouted his famous insults at the stout Koharski: “You’re crazy! You're crazy. You fell, you fat pig. Have another doughnut! Have another doughnut!” Neither man saw the ABC network’s camera filming the whole thing. Pretty soon, the fight was being replayed on TVs all over the U.S. and Canada.

  WHERE IN THE WORLD IS ZIEGLER?

  Since Schoenfeld had been threatened with the end of his coaching career, the Devils got a hold of a copy of the ABC videotape to back up his claim that he hadn’t purposely shoved Koharski. But NHL executive vice-president, Brian O’Neill, never looked at the tape. Nor did he grant Schoenfeld a hearing—which was standard procedure—before making the announcement that Schoenfeld was suspended for game 4 of the series, and possibly longer pending further investigation.

  Devil’s general manager, Lou Lamoriello, tried to appeal his coach’s suspension, but the decision could be overturned only by NHL president John Ziegler. Lamoriello, NHL higher-ups, and even the curious press all tried to find Ziegler but came up empty. According to rumors, the NHL president was in the South of France on vacation…or maybe he was hiding out to deal with family problems…no one knew, and even though many people now believe he spent the time in England, Ziegler’s absence during the crisis has still never been officially explained.

  Meanwhile Lamoriello, angry about his coach being denied a hearing, went to court. Anxious to get a decision before game 4 began, the Devils’ lawyers rushed the case to a judge. Judge J. F. Madden of the Superior Court of New Jersey heard the case, agreed that Schoenfeld deserved a hearing, and granted a restraining order against the suspension.

  At 7:20 p.m., just 25 minutes before Sunday’s game 4 was to start, the NHL learned that the Devil’s coach would be there after all. But when the ice officials scheduled to work the game saw Schoenfeld (whom they believed had shoved their colleague), they walked out in support of Koharski. So before a sold-out audience for a Stanley Cup playoff game, it looked like the NHL would have no one to officiate…and still nobody could find Ziegler.

  YELLOW SUNDAY

  Bill Wirtz, the owner of the Chicago Blackhawks and chairman of the NHL board of governors, ordered game 4 to go on. While the crowd and cameras waited, the NHL’s representative at the game quickly rounded up some nonunion officials and sent them onto the ice. But the men weren’t your typical NHL types: Paul McInnis, an ice rink owner, became a playoff referee. Salesman Vin Godleski and retired cop Jim Sullivan were the linesmen. All three had to scramble to find equipment—they skated on to the ice wearing green sweat pants. Godleski and Sullivan couldn’t find regulation striped shirts so they wore yellow jerseys, which led the press to dub the game Yellow Sunday. Sports Illustrated called the men’s presence “theatre of the absurd” and later included Yellow Sunday in a list of the NHL’s most embarrassing moments. Still, the game went on, with the Devils winning 3–1.

  WELCOME TO WAYNE’S WORLD

  The following week, Ziegler (who refused to tell anyone where he’d been) returned and granted Schoenfeld the hearing he wanted…and then Ziegler suspended the coach for game 5. The Devils lost that game, and although they played the full series, the Bruins went on to win the playoffs, face the Edmonton Oilers in the final, and lose 4–0.

  Schoenfeld and Koharski eventually met, talked things over, and made peace. Both went on to long, respected careers in hockey. But the ABC “doughnut video” has become one of the most viewed moments in hockey history. It’s replayed almost every time there’s a problem between a hockey coach and an official, and Internet clips of the exchange have been viewed more than 100,000 times. Fans didn’t let the coach or referee forget the argument either. Koharski was teased about it so often that he once thought of cashing in by opening a doughnut shop. In 1992 the doughnut joke even made it into the movies—in Wayne’s World, a cop named Officer Koharski hangs out at a doughnut shop.

  HOLD THAT TIGER

  How a coach�
�s quest to rescue his tough guy started a chain reaction that led all the way to the Stanley Cup finals.

  FERMEZ LA BOUCHE MONSIEUR TIGRE

  Sometimes things happen that nobody can explain…like crop circles, the Bermuda Triangle, and the 1982 Vancouver Canucks, in those garish flying-V yellow, black, and orange jerseys going all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals.

  Canucks head coach Harry Neale surely wasn’t aware of what he was getting into when he waded into the stands to prevent his forward Dave “Tiger” Williams from getting ambushed during a March 20, 1982, game at Quebec City. Williams had made some disparaging remarks about French Canadians in an interview prior to the game. Tension had been mounting and now Williams, who was being pinned to the boards by Quebec’s Wilf Paiement, was also in danger of being sucker-punched by a fan reaching over the glass. Neale wasted little time in charging into the stands himself, followed by a pair of his players. “He had been a mouthy fan,” Neale recalled years later. “I’d known him from the World Hockey Association days when I coached Hartford. I ran off to try and get him. I never quite got to him and I think Marc Crawford and Doug Halward and I forget who else—three [players] came with me—so I was going to be alright if a fight started.”

  BUT WHO WILL PROTECT US FROM THE FANS?

  Neale paid dearly for his excursion into the stands. The coach was handed a lengthy suspension by the NHL, a punishment that would carry over into the postseason. But his action would also begin a strange momentum that the Canucks rode all the way into the finals. Many from that team still point to the incident in Quebec City as the catalyst for a playoff run that would see the Canucks beat Calgary, Los Angeles, and Chicago before ultimately losing to the powerful New York Islanders dynasty in four straight. It was the first trip to the finals for the Vancouver franchise, which wouldn’t make it there again until a dozen years later.