by Shin Towada
It must have been quite a shock for her, Hinami thought. And I’m sure it still hurts. But it wasn’t something she ever talked about in front of Hinami. And that made Hinami desperately sad.
What can I do to cheer her up?
Everyone was gathered in the entrance room, as if something was happening. When Hinami walked in, their pet cockatiel Hetare sang, “Hetare, hetare!” Hinami realized that this was the day of the week when Kaneki would usually give Hetare food, so she got the food out and changed his water. Hetare—whose name meant “loser”—buried his head in his food tray, pecking at his food like it might disappear soon.
She pulled a chair over by Hetare’s cage and watched him. Hetare started hopping around on his perch. Maybe he’s anxious because I’m here.
“I wonder how Kaneki’s doing …”
Touka wasn’t the only one she was worried about. She was also concerned about Kaneki, who had gone and left them.
Hinami hadn’t gotten to speak to him before he left that day, but watching from a distance she thought he looked lonely as he walked away, and that thought had stayed with her.
None of that changes the fact that they care about each other. So why do they both have to be so sad?
Hinami stood up, then put her finger through a gap in the bird’s cage. Hetare took note immediately and pressed his red cheek to her finger, playfully pretending to scratch his head against her. When she started to gently scratch his head with her fingernail, the overexcited bird looked at her happily. That’s probably enough, Hinami thought. She pulled her hand away and had started to walk out of the room when Hetare squealed, “Hetare, hetare!”
“I’ll come back later,” Hinami said, and shut the door. Hetare was still squawking.
She slipped secretly into the café. Even though it was temporarily closed, the store still smelled like fragrant coffee. Every time she took a breath the taste of coffee in the air made her tongue dance.
“Oh, we’ve got a customer. A cute one, too.”
A jolt of surprise went through Hinami. She had thought she was alone, but Koma was standing behind the counter. She thought he would be mad at her for coming in without permission, but Koma went back to work without telling her off.
“Mr. Koma, what are you doing?”
“Checking the coffee machine. Has to be done at a time like this.”
With practiced movements, Koma busily dismantled the device and wiped down its interior workings, replacing parts as needed. Hinami sat down at the counter and watched. Then, as if something had just occurred to him, he started brewing coffee with the machine he’d just checked.
Compared to the scent of coffee that lingered in the store, it smelled so rich that it tickled Hinami’s nose.
“Here you go,” Koma said, pouring the coffee into a cup and handing it over the counter to Hinami.
“Oh, are you sure?”
“I think the café feels lonely too, without any customers here.”
Hinami looked around her.
“Can a café be lonely?”
“It sure can. A café is like the cup, and customers are the coffee. One is not complete without the other. So I’m sure the café misses having people in it. Well, drink up, before it goes cold,” Koma said.
Hinami brought the coffee up to her mouth.
Coffee was the only thing she could have without feeling a sense of guilt, and it was also one of the very few things that Ghouls could share with humans. The coffee that Koma had made smelled somehow friendly. With each sip she remembered when the café was crowded. Hinami turned to look around again.
“You know, Kaneki used to come here a lot before he started working here.”
“Really?!”
“Yeah. I think he really liked the coffee I make.”
“Oh … Maybe he still misses your coffee …” she murmured, and Koma smiled.
“You’re worried about him, aren’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m worried about him too. I wonder if the people in his group feel they can’t stop him even if he’s being reckless … But then, I don’t know if it’d be any different if I were there.”
“What do you mean, can’t stop him?” She tilted her head, unable to understand what he meant. Koma gave her a know-it-all look.
“The people who are following Kaneki see him as a ‘leader.’ His word is law, and they’d risk their lives for him. But they can’t tell him when he’s doing something wrong, or get angry with him, without consequences.”
“Why? Don’t they all like Kaneki?”
“That’s what happens when you’re a leader. It’s always lonely at the top, no matter how many friends you have.”
Hinami tilted her head to one side again, so Koma spoke in more detail.
“When there’s a power imbalance, it’s impossible to stand on an equal footing. Those who are higher up don’t want to make everyone anxious, so they have no choice but to take a strong stance on everything, and those who are lower down have to be strong and accept everything the leader says.”
“Is that … what it’s like?”
“Yeah. Touka could sometimes stop him from lashing out, but the people around him now can’t do anything but look on, I imagine.”
As she listened, Hinami became increasingly anxious.
“I wonder if he’s all right …”
“Oh, but the thing is, a strong bond develops between people who fight together. I don’t think you need to worry about him, Hinami,” Koma rushed to add.
Just then the front door swung open, even though the café was temporarily closed.
“Sorry, we’re closed tod—”
But Koma stopped in the middle of his sentence.
“Nishiki? Shouldn’t you be in class?”
Standing at the door was Nishio Nishiki, a member of staff at the Anteiku and a student at the same college as Kaneki.
“No afternoon classes today. Any word on me getting some shifts soon?” he said, walking up to the seats at the counter.
“I think we should reopen soon. Yoshimura is still taking it easy, so I can’t say anything for certain.”
“Really …” Nishiki said, hesitantly. There was nothing for him to do there, but he didn’t seem to want to leave. He started muttering, “Hmm . … Well, what can you do, huh?” under his breath. Suddenly Hinami realized something.
“You’re worried about Kaneki too, aren’t you?”
Frowning, he stuttered, “W-what? No, no way.” Koma grinned and rubbed his chin.
“Why are you grinning, Koma?”
“Well, well, Nishiki. Let me get you some coffee. I’ll make it slowly.”
“I don’t really want one …”
“No, let me,” Koma said and started making him a cup. Nishiki sat down next to Hinami at the counter, looking disappointed.
“Here you go.”
Nishiki took a gulp of steaming hot coffee and looked around the café like he was searching for an escape route. Koma looked more and more amused. The atmosphere in the café felt a little better now. But then Irimi appeared.
“May I see you for a minute?”
Apparently she had a task for Koma.
“Too bad,” teased Koma. “I was just about to commiserate with Nishio here about our worries over Kaneki’s whereabouts.”
“I told you, I’m not worried!”
Nishiki slammed his hand down on the counter, and Koma disappeared into the back of the café, grinning. Nishiki put his head on his hands sulkily and drank his coffee. It was just Hinami and Nishiki now. They sat there in the strangely quiet café.
“Hey, brat,” Nishiki muttered, breaking the silence. His head was still turned away from her as he spoke. “How’s that ugly girl you live with?”
“Ugly girl?”
“Touka, I
’m talking about Touka.”
Hinami stared up at him, blinking her big eyes. Stung by her gaze, Nishiki jumped slightly and stammered, “W-what?”
“So you’re worried about Touka, too.”
“Huh?! Where’d you get that?”
“But …”
“I’m not!” he yelled, desperately denying it. But little Hinami made Nishiki feel truly pathetic for making excuses. He sighed deeply and stopped shouting.
Then he started spilling out words.
“Kaneki hasn’t gone to any of his classes.”
“He’s not going to school?”
“It’s like he’s just dropped out of human society.”
Nishiki put his cup down on the saucer, then threw his head back and looked up at the ceiling.
“I knew that bastard was trying to find ‘the right distance away from people,’ but once he saw those dangerous Ghouls his goal totally changed. His cherished idea of finding the right distance away from people just went straight out the window.”
Hinami wondered if he was actually talking to her, or if he was just saying it to confirm it for himself.
He lowered his eyes to his coffee and brought it up to his lips.
“He still doesn’t fully get how hard it is for Ghouls like us to get into human society. It’s like dominoes: if one goes down, they all go. And once you lose it, it doesn’t come back that easily,” he said. “God, what a stupid bastard.”
Nishiki finished his coffee and stood up.
“Look, brat, finish your coffee and get out of here.”
“Oh, um …”
Hinami drained the little bit of coffee left in the bottom of her cup and passed it to Nishiki. He rolled up his sleeves and started to wash the cups with familiar motions.
“Things seem all right here …”
Nishiki wiped the cups dry and put them back on the shelf. “Bye,” he said and left the café.
It was difficult for Hinami to understand all of what Nishiki had said. But one thing she did understand was that he was jealously guarding the place where he felt he belonged.
And Kaneki’s the one who gave him that opportunity.
That evening, when Touka was finished at school, she came back to Anteiku.
“Hina, I’m back.”
She was covered in scratches and still not back to her normal strength, but she didn’t seem to have any problem going to school.
“Mr. Koma made me some coffee today.”
“That’s nice. He makes great coffee, doesn’t he?”
Hinami sat beside Touka, going over the day’s events. Touka listened, chipping in occasionally.
“I think Nishiki’s worried about big brother too.”
“I didn’t think he was that kind of guy.”
“No, but he is. He knows a lot about big brother. He said he’s still not going to his classes.”
Touka said nothing.
“I wonder where he is right now … I wish he’d come visit.” She looked up at Touka, who was staring into the distance as if she were grappling with something.
Big sister …
Did I make her sadder by talking about Kaneki?
“Big sister, hold my hand,” she said cheerfully to change the subject.
“Oh, right,” Touka said, and held out her hand. Hinami put her hand in Touka’s, and like always, Touka squeezed her hand. It makes me happy, so why am I so sad?
When I’m upset, Touka is always there for me and cares for me more than anyone else. But now, when she’s overwhelmed and her heart and body are wounded, there’s nothing I can do for her.
I love Touka and Kaneki. If I could make a wish, I’d ask for the strength of two people so I could help. But to them I’m just a kid, not somebody they can rely on.
That’s why, like Koma said, we’re not “equal.”
III
It had been over two months since Kaneki had disappeared. Anteiku reopened, and at first glance everyone seemed to have gotten back to their usual routines. Little by little, they stopped talking about Kaneki. That made Hinami a little scared.
Touka had recently been doing things like buying reference books or going to the library to study with her friend Yoriko. She had started preparing in earnest for her college entrance exams.
Hinami liked reading the books Touka bought to learn words and kanji she didn’t know. The more I learn, the more I want to learn.
Hinami didn’t know how awful exams could be because she didn’t go to school, but she thought it was great that Touka was trying to gain more knowledge.
But Touka didn’t throw herself into studying when she was around Hinami. She made sure not to stay too late studying at the library, and always got home to see Hinami.
Devoting herself to studying had given her back a little of her old energy. Having a goal seemed to be good for her.
But Touka almost never spoke about Kaneki anymore. Is she giving in to the passage of time and forgetting all about him?
“So just wait in the back until I’m done.”
“All right!”
Touka was on shift that day. Hinami, who had come to Anteiku with her, happily put some new food in Hetare’s dish. It was her week to take care of Hetare, a duty that rotated among everyone, Kaneki excluded.
The rooms that had been destroyed by Aogiri had been perfectly rebuilt and looked just the same as ever.
Hinami sat down on the sofa and started reading her book, so as not to get in anyone’s way.
“What’s that character?”
As she read, she came across some difficult kanji, but she quickly figured out how to read them.
That says “downpour.”
In her mind she heard Kaneki’s kindly voice, telling her what the words meant.
“Oh …”
At the same time, she heard the sound of footsteps. She raised her head, closed her book, and followed the noise out into the hallway.
Standing there was Renji Yomo, who seemed surprised to see Hinami. He looked down at her for a second, then tried to pass by.
Hinami gathered her courage. “Um, sorry,” she said to stop him. Yomo paused, his back turned to her.
“Is Kaneki … all right, do you know?” she asked. Yomo looked back; his face was blank.
“Why are you asking me?” he said.
“I just thought, since you know about everything …”
“You’ve overestimated me,” he said shortly, trying to end the conversation.
“B-but you do know where he is, don’t you!” She kept hounding him.
“How’d you hear that?”
“Please … I care about him. I love Kaneki, and I only want to hear about him because I’m worried. And I think maybe if Touka heard he’s doing well, it might put her mind at ease . …”
Yomo finally turned to look at Hinami, who was now hiding her face. But he said nothing. Perhaps he wanted to say something, but the words wouldn’t come.
“I want to know when he’ll achieve what he wants to. And if he’ll come back here when he’s done. And then maybe we can—”
—all be together again.
“Should I just wait here? Wait here with big sister?”
Once again Yomo said nothing. I bet he wouldn’t tell me anything anyway. Hinami slumped and started walking reluctantly back to the living room.
“Just wait here,” Yomo muttered quietly. Hinami turned around, surprised. She didn’t think he’d say anything. She waited for him to finish the sentence, but Yomo left without saying another word.
Just wait here …
Were the next words, “what else can you do?”
Even after Touka finished her shift and they walked home together, Hinami stayed lost in thought. Yomo’s words just kept playing over and over in her head.
&n
bsp; He knows how Kaneki’s doing. I know he does. So since he told me “Just wait here,” that must mean there’s a small chance that Kaneki might come back.
“Hinami? You all right?”
She was sitting on the sofa, knees to her chest, with a hard expression on her face. Touka sat down next to her and leaned in, peeking at Hinami’s face.
“It’s nothing!” she said, but Touka still looked worried.
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
It made Hinami happy and embarrassed that Touka was worried about her, and she threw her arms around Touka, who smiled wryly at this show of affection and gave her a few pats on the back. When things were good like this, Hinami’s worries started to fade little by little. She started to feel more comfortable, and her eyelids fluttered heavily. Remembering the warmth of her mother, Ryoko, who had died protecting her, Hinami drifted into the land of sleep.
I had a dream.
Big brother?
A dream where Kaneki was in a place so, so far away that I could barely make out his shape.
I yelled out, “Big brother!” But he was so far away that my voice didn’t reach him. I tried to run toward him but it was like my feet were glued to the ground.
Hesitantly, I found my voice again and yelled, “Big brother!” But Kaneki was getting farther and farther away. Before long I couldn’t see him anymore, and I was left behind, all alone.
Then, suddenly, Touka appeared instead.
“Big sister …”
Finally I could move again. “I just saw him,” I said, grabbing Touka’s hand, but even though she was so close she didn’t react to what I said. But she was staring sadly toward where Kaneki had been. I called out again and again and pulled her hand, but she didn’t look at me. She just kept looking far away.
“Mm …”
Hinami’s eyes fluttered open and, her mind still hazy from sleep, she looked around. The light was still on, and a blanket had been draped over her.
She turned over and looked up to find Touka there. She had fallen asleep on her, using her knee as a pillow.