by Shin Towada
“Big sister?”
Touka’s eyes were closed, and she was slumped back on the sofa. From her regular breathing, it was clear that she was asleep too.
When she took another look, she saw a biology textbook lying in Touka’s hand. I guess she was studying while I was asleep.
“Mmm …” muttered Touka quietly. I guess she’s waking up because I moved. Reflexively, Hinami pretended to still be asleep.
“Wha … Oh God, I fell asleep . …”
Touka stretched a little and adjusted the blanket covering Hinami. Then she picked up her book and started flipping through it.
Hinami opened her eyes a sliver and stole a glance at Touka.
“Oh, I have so much to remember …” she murmured, sounding fed up, but she didn’t put down the book. Touka squinted and furrowed her brow, trying hard to understand what she was reading. Does she always look like this when she studies?
It was hard for Hinami to keep pretending she was asleep because she wanted to talk to Touka. I want to tell her about the scary dream I just had.
But Touka kept reading until, suddenly, she looked up at the ceiling as if she’d just remembered something, and sighed.
Hinami couldn’t really see her face from where she was lying. Just as she wondered what was going on, Hinami heard Touka talking to herself quietly.
“Damnit, Kaneki …”
Her voice was tinged with both anger and sorrow.
She muttered those words, then silently stood and picked up Hinami in her arms. Then she carried Hinami to bed, said, “Good night,” and left.
Hinami lay there quietly until she was sure Touka had gone.
Then she slowly got out of bed. The door was closed. The light in the living room was off, and Touka had apparently gone back to her room.
“Touka? Big sister?” she said, so quietly it could not be heard. Hinami closed her eyes tightly, hoping to forget. But the voice was burned in her mind, and it kept coming back to her again and again.
Touka tried so hard to be cheerful in front of Hinami, but her pain still came through.
She hadn’t forgotten Kaneki at all. She thought about him nearly every day, but she kept the pain to herself and never let it show on the outside. But still, she finds things that she needs to do for herself, and it’s a slow journey she’s learning from.
As she thought about Touka, Hinami realized something. Or rather, she felt an inkling about something.
“I’m getting in her way …”
Touka had never thought of Hinami as an annoyance, and Hinami had never suspected that she had. She believed in Touka. She knew that they would always be together.
But I’m tying her down.
She never neglects me to focus on her studies. And no matter how much she needs to study, no matter how busy she is with school, she always gives me precedence, sacrificing herself for me.
And it’s always been like this. Once Kaneki disappeared she was consumed by such deep sadness, but still she always tucks me into bed at night.
Looking back now, Hinami remembered how Touka always worried about her whenever she remembered Kaneki and felt sad, pushing down her own sadness.
It’s because she thinks I need to be protected. It makes me so happy I could cry, but it hurts with every breath because I’m crying.
Just like my mother, who protected me at the cost of her own life, Touka does all she can to support me—even pushing down her own feelings. I can’t do anything for her. I’m just baggage. Hinami clenched her shirt in her fists and bit her lip.
“Big brother …”
If he’d just come back this feeling would all go away in a second. And Touka wouldn’t have to call out so sadly.
But in the end, that’s just waiting in vain for someone else to save me.
Hinami remembered how Kaneki had looked as he said goodbye to Touka after the battle with Aogiri. Lonely. I wonder if he’s still fighting even now. I wonder if that gentle, book-loving boy is out there shedding blood, gouging through flesh, and taking someone’s life away. If he’ll ever be able to find his way back home.
And then, with nowhere to turn back to, where would he go on his own?
“No, it can’t be …”
She remembered the dream she’d just had, and how he hadn’t heard her calling to him. How he’d disappeared into the darkness alone.
She let go of her shirt and brought her hands together so firmly that she thought her fingertips might break.
My hands are much smaller and weaker than Touka’s and Kaneki’s. And I know I can’t do much with them. But living here, in a safe place where I’m taken care of and can have a comfortable life, my voice can’t reach anyone. That’s how it stands.
Hinami thought for a moment.
If someone can’t hear you, you need to go closer. If your words don’t reach them, you grab their hand.
And when Kaneki is alone and lost, there’s something I want to tell him. That he’ll always have a way home, and somewhere to return to. That I’ll get lost with him, because I don’t want him to be alone.
Maybe being with him would hurt me, but the pain of being protected eventually makes one spoiled and corrupted.
I want to tell Kaneki, dressed in his lonely armor, that there are people nearby who care about him. I want to tell him that Touka is waiting for him to come back.
Because I know, more than anyone else, that nobody can go through life on their own.
“I want to protect them too—big brother and big sister!”
IV
Listen. Latch on to the sound. It takes human form in your mind and tells you where you belong.
In an abandoned building, one left vacant since going bankrupt a few years ago, Hinami’s hands were on the floor of the lobby, her arms outstretched. Kaneki and Kazuichi Banjo, along with Ichimi, Jiro, and Sante—a close band of guys who wanted to put their energies to use and carry out actions with Kaneki—stood holding their breath and watching.
“Hasn’t noticed us yet …”
“On the third floor, possibly in the little room close to the stairs … asleep.”
Kaneki looked toward the stairs, then pointed to Ichimi and Jiro. They nodded.
Then Kaneki pointed to the floor, indicating to Banjo and Sante to stay there. Sante nodded obediently, but Banjo, who had taken a vow to shield Kaneki and had been with him all this time, looked chagrined.
Banjo was as muscular as a professional wrestler, and he appeared strong at first glance, but he could not release a Kagune. And without a Kagune it was impossible to battle other Ghouls.
So for now, he would fight against Ghouls given to him by Chie Hori, the informer with some connection to Tsukiyama.
“I think he’s perfect for Kaneki to take on.”
He looked at the photos she’d sent and said, “This is Noyama.” After his parents were killed by the CCG, he palmed his beautiful younger sister off to a millionaire and turned her into a bit of a money-spinner. He told people his plan was to wait until the millionaire died, when the money would go to his sister, but his sister had recently been killed by the CCG.
Kaneki had gone one flight up the stairs. He snapped his fingers.
Then he dashed off all at once.
By the count of ten there was a roar from the floor above.
“Here we go!”
Then, the sound of something hitting the wall and a vibration.
“H-Hinami, what should we do?” Banjo asked worriedly, but Hinami answered, “It’s all right, that wasn’t Kaneki.” A rain of dust fell from the ceiling.
All this banging and thumping was hurting Hinami’s ears.
“Tsukiyama wanted to be here for this too,” Sante said. But today Tsukiyama was out lending support to Chie Hori because she was getting to the heart of the information gathering that
Kaneki had asked her to do.
Her current goal was to find the list of fugitives from Cochlea. And the outcome of their war largely rested on whether or not she could get this information.
“Tsukiyama’s dangerous. And Kaneki doesn’t want to show his hand right now.”
Known as “Kaneki’s sword,” Tsukiyama held a completely different position among Kaneki’s followers than Banjo, but sometimes that “sword” took a few practice swings that may or may not have been aimed at Kaneki. Nor did Kaneki appear to completely trust Tsukiyama. But his ability could not be overstated. In fact, there were lots of things that couldn’t go ahead without Tsukiyama, which drove Banjo crazy.
“Whoa.”
Another roar, louder than any other roar had been. “Is it over?” Sante whispered.
But Hinami had reached a very different conclusion.
“It’s coming from the stairs! They’re getting away!”
The roar was the sound of a Ghoul being slammed back into the part of the stairs that connected two floors.
If Noyama had taken the blow, then he might try running away. And if that happened—
“We gotta go! He’s gonna come here!”
At the same time Banjo yelled, Sante picked up Hinami and started running.
Banjo ran toward the stairs with the intention of serving as backup.
“Gzzzzzooooooooooooooooonnnnn!”
Noyama came flying down the stairs, as Hinami had guessed, making a strange screeching sound as he did. His Kagune was an ukaku, perfect for high-speed attacks. Banjo, who had wanted to try to buy a little time until Hinami could escape from the abandoned building, was blown back instantly, making it impossible to buy even a second of time.
“Banjo!”
“Expected nothing less from you, Banjo!”
Sante ran at full speed with Hinami in his arms, unconcerned about Banjo, perhaps because he had never counted on him at all. Recognizing Hinami and Sante as Kaneki’s friends and, furthermore, seeing that they were not blessed with a lot of fighting power, Noyama vengefully reduced the distance between them in one burst. Noyama was catching up with Hinami and Sante much faster than they could make it to the door of the abandoned building.
“No!”
Noyama’s Kagune was close. But Hinami heard the unmistakable buzzing sound of Rc cells being released, followed by the sound of someone falling to the floor.
“Sante, leave him to Kaneki!”
He reacted immediately to Hinami’s words and kicked the ground.
Noyama’s body rose up with the force of the blow, nearly hitting the ceiling, and in that second Kaneki’s Kagune speared him. If Noyama had been running in front of us, we would’ve been speared too.
“Whoaaaaa, wow!” shouted Sante admiringly, rotating and landing skillfully.
Now Noyama can’t run away again. Now all he can do is wait to die. But Hinami, who was back on her own two feet again, still couldn’t run over to Kaneki’s side.
“You did some quite heartless things, didn’t you?”
Kaneki sounded cold as he spoke to Noyama, who was twitching like a bug with its wings plucked off.
“Kaneki, you got something on him?”
“Lots of photos of him dismantling girls. Where’s Banjo?”
“Laid out over there. When Banjo saw the pictures he freaked out.”
While Ichimi and the others talked casually, Hinami remembered the first time she had met Kaneki.
She remembered asking him whether he was a human or a Ghoul because of the mysterious smell he gave off.
And Kaneki had told her that his body was part Ghoul but his mind was human. And that if he could, he would go back to having a human body.
“Gotta separate the wheat from the chaff,” Kaneki said, snapping open the mouth restraint on his mask and biting down on Noyama’s ukaku.
“Aieeeeeoooooo!”
A pain like Noyama had never experienced made him jump and twitch.
Kaneki has fully crossed the line and jumped into the Ghoul world.
But now that he’s decided to accept that he’s a Ghoul and live as one, when will he realize?
Hinami could still smell it—the human scent that clung to his body. It’ll always be with him.
Now that he’s turned his sights away from being a human, he must be scared that a day will come when he’ll be punished as a human.
Hinami remembered something else—the day that Kaneki had told Touka that he wanted to go back to how he was.
I thought, if he’s dangerous, then maybe he should be stopped. I thought someone should warn him about what would happen if he carried on. And even if she gets angry at me and tells me not to be so stupid, that’s fine.
But instead, silence. Touka just sat there looking at Hinami. Hinami stared straight back at her.
“I see.”
At last, Touka smiled wryly.
“When you look at me like that, what can I even say?”
She turned away from Hinami’s gaze and was silent for a while, but eventually she looked straight back at Hinami.
“You can always come back.”
She didn’t say anything else. Touka reached out and hugged Hinami tightly, as if she was trying not to lose her, and Hinami hugged her back with all of her strength.
I really want to be here with Touka. I don’t want to leave. But right now I’m just weighing her down.
“You done?” Ichimi muttered, looking at Kaneki, who had stepped away from Noyama’s body.
There was something about Kaneki, who was now done fighting, that kept anyone from approaching him. I don’t know whether that’s his intention or just a figment of our imagination.
But Hinami rushed over to Kaneki anyway, calling for him.
“Big brother!”
His hair had turned white, his nails had turned dark red, and his heart was grief-stricken—everyone agreed he had changed.
But he was always kind to Hinami. He was one of the most important people to her because he had saved her, and that would never change.
Kaneki turned to look. He was bathed in someone else’s blood, but he smiled gently and said, “You didn’t get hurt, did you, Hinami?”
We are with you, Hinami whispered to him in her mind. Me, and Touka too. Even if I can’t get it across to you now, I want to prove to you that we’re with you.
“Yeah, I’m fine! Let’s go home, big brother.”
Kaneki smiled. “Yep, let’s go,” he said and started walking.
“We have to move to another Ward now.”
Tomorrow is another day on this rocky path we walk, never knowing stability. But I believe.
I believe that the sun shines after a downpour.
Even investigators fall in love.
In the 13th Ward, under the command of Special Class Investigator Iwao Kuroiwa, a meeting had just adjourned, the assembled Ghoul investigators looked on in astonishment at what they’d been presented with.
In the center was the 13rd Ward’s sole female Ghoul investigator, Misato Gori, with her slender frame and mole set between her eyebrows. She had a slightly disagreeable look in her eyes, but that was par for the course with her. She was currently a rank 2 investigator, and had just recently taken part in the Aogiri conflict, providing successful long-range fire support with her ukaku Quinque, Emelio.
“I brought you all a little something,” Misato said, somehow bashful, as she reached into her bag and set the plate of black, lumpy, burnt-smelling somethings on the table. The others were unable to take their eyes off them.
“Misato, what are these?”
“They’re doughnuts!”
Right. Sure they were.
With the exception of Kuroiwa, the investigators screamed internally. Try though they might, it was hard to see the offerings as anythi
ng more burnt lumps of dough that had been reduced nearly to cinders.
Kuroiwa, however, reached out, took one in hand, and tossed it into his mouth.
“S-sir?!”
“Mr. Kuroiwa!”
Despite the panicked shouts of the onlooking investigators filling the room, the crunching, crumbling sounds coming from within Kuroiwa’s mouth were still clearly audible, suggesting something that, to say nothing of qualifying as a doughnut, didn’t even qualify as food.
But Kuroiwa chewed thoroughly, swallowed it down, and nodded. “Yep. They’re doughnuts.”
The other assembled investigators, inwardly feeling that Kuroiwa ought to apologize to doughnuts everywhere for that assessment, then heard Misato’s merciless voice chime in, “Dig in, everybody!”
Later, after all her colleagues save Kuroiwa had fallen ill with a mysterious stomach illness, Misato stared at a photo of her handmade treats. Sure, they didn’t look so great, but they’d been prepared with a real homemade touch and lots of love. She thought they’d turned out rather well compared to when she’d first started making treat likes these. Maybe she’d be ready to give some to him soon.
Yes, Misato secretly had feelings for someone: up-and-coming Ghoul Investigator Kotaro Amon. He was strong, brave, resolute—the very image of what a Ghoul investigator should be.
Several months earlier, Amon and Misato had fought alongside one another in the Aogiri cleanup operation. She was too nervous to bring herself to speak to him, even though they weren’t strangers or anything. She hadn’t run into him since then, and now she wanted to take action in order to take their relationship to the next level.
She’d made her treats with that in mind. She’d heard that Amon liked sweet things, and so she’d come up with a plan to give him some homemade doughnuts as a gift.
Her other coworkers had been so happy they’d been moved to tears, so Amon was sure to be happy with them as well. And so, Misato decided to take a break from her professional duties and go see him.
“Investigator Amon? He’s not here right now.”
Misato had snuck down to the 20th Ward branch office with her doughnuts wrapped up in a cute little bag. Wanting to first find out what Amon was doing, she’d happened upon one of the 20th Ward’s more eccentric investigators, Juzo Suzuya, and asked him.