by Bea Paige
Then I roll my shoulders.
A sudden flash of pain is followed quickly by starlight that spots my vision. I stumble forward slightly. Ether moves to help me, but I hold my hand up.
“No,” I say, and it isn’t because I don’t want his help. I refuse it because I have to make him see that I can do this. That I am strong enough.
That I am able to carry the weight of my wings.
Chapter Two
Ether
I watch stunned as Fern’s wings spread out behind her back. They don’t shoot out like the rest of Clan Vitae’s do but fold out behind her slowly, unravelling like a newly born butterfly drying in the sun.
I hear the sound of her shirt being torn and Gabe and Mihr gasping in unison. Their surprise isn’t because she has wings. No, it’s because they are made of silky, pale blue feathers. The very opposite to our dark, velvety ones. But what does that mean?
A thread of fear followed by a dash of hope pierces my chest. I can’t dare to hope, can I? Clan Vitae with their dark wings have always brought death and destruction. When I look at Fern now, I see a woman born not of this curse but brought to life by the Harmonious bond, from hope.
If she is like us, will she take life now too? Perhaps the difference of her wings is no more significant than the fact she was born this way and not by the hands of Queen Adrielle when the curse was cast a thousand years ago.
“Fern, how do you feel?” I ask, wanting to know what she’s thinking. Needing to know she’s okay. She hadn’t ever wanted to be like us and we’d promised she wouldn’t be, and yet here she is with wings as powerful as my own.
She doesn’t answer. I understand why, the absolute concentration it takes to stand upright with such cumbersome wings will be the only thing she can manage right now. I feel a fool asking her such a question.
Her gaze remains fixed solely on me as her hips rock, finding a new centre of gravity. I watch as her fingertips brush against the feathers nearest her hand. She doesn’t wince or cry, she remains steadfast, determined.
My stomach lurches as she takes a tentative step forward. I want to reach out and help her, but she denies me once again. Her strength makes me so proud.
Fern, my strong, fierce angel. Our angel.
“Take it easy, Fern.”
She nods. Her lips are pressed together in concentration, but she doesn’t stop. I watch in utter awe as she moves slowly, taking one step at a time. Her hands are fisted, her shoulders taut, her legs strong. She walks like a toddler taking its first steps. She walks like an aged woman with the weight of the world on her shoulders and a great wisdom that makes any weakness seem insignificant. Her gaze doesn’t move from mine. I want to look away, I want to step back, but I can’t do either. I can only wait.
I am in her thrall, and she damn well knows it.
She stops only when she stands toe-to-toe in front of me, her breath hot against my skin.
“Ether,” she whispers, reaching up to place a firm hand against the centre of my chest. Her fingers curl into my shirt, bunching the material up in her fist. She pulls me towards her. Her wings curl forward so that the tips of hers graze against the tips of mine.
She must feel the touch of our feathers as they meet. I know I do, I know what it does to me. For her, what she feels as a newborn must be tenfold, and yet she doesn’t crumple under the intensity. It seems to feed her, make her stronger. For me, it is all I can do not to take her now, in front of Gabe and Mihr.
But I won’t.
I’ve learnt to lock down my feelings. I’ve learnt to shut them off in order to function in this world. Gabe coped by becoming a little darker each day, not enough to succumb but enough to keep moving forward. Mihr coped by remaining silent, by shutting out his natural gift to make a person happy just by a smile bestowed upon them. I coped by building a fortress around my heart, my feelings, my yearnings.
Fern’s fierce gaze dares me to make a move. Her wings press against my own, daring them to accept her touch. I stand here, utterly vulnerable for the first time in over a thousand years, and I understand now what Gabe felt in her presence. I understand why he was unable to control himself.
I get it.
Gabe told me how she had pressed her whole body against his wings, how her fingers had curled around the bone and stroked him. No wonder he did what he did.
Life damn it, her touch is stoking the fire I’ve felt from the moment we met. It’s now roaring like a fucking inferno. She is making me feel out of control, and I can’t allow that to happen. If I am to lead, to guide her, I must remain steadfast, clear-headed. With a strength born from necessity rather than want, I take a step backwards.
Fern’s fist grips me harder, and she yanks me back. A fire brims in her grey-blue eyes that matches the one roaring in my chest.
“Where are you going, Ether? You owe me a kiss.”
A kiss? Is this what she means to do? Is this the meaning behind the look in her eyes? Behind the pounding of my heart and heat searing through every single part of me?
“You don’t want to?”
She leans forward, not afraid to press her body against mine, not afraid to be seen vulnerable but so damn strong at the same time. She is a better person than I could ever be. I can already see the ability to lead within her. The steel in her eyes, the fire in her heart, the determination in her soul. She’s a goddamn miracle.
“Are you just going to stand there?” she goads gently, a challenge in her eyes. She’s made the first move, now it’s up to me to make mine. My eyes flick to Gabe and Mihr, who are watching our encounter with a mixture of amusement and utter admiration.
“Ether, I won’t ask again.”
She doesn’t have to. A kiss is the least I can do. I would give her the whole damn world if I could. I bend my head and graze my lips against her scorching mouth. I mean to give her a quick kiss, to pull away as soon as it’s done, but the moment our lips meet an explosive heat ricochets up my spine and out across my wings. I feel it spread to every feather, every damn frond. I wouldn’t be surprised if they are singed from it.
“Ether,” she murmurs, and I lose the little control I have left.
My hands grasp her shoulders and slide up her neck as my hungry mouth glides over hers. I feel like I am burning alive as her plump lips tease me, building desire between us that is as thick as smoke. Flames lap at my skin. Her fire meets mine, matching it. Together we are a burning pyre, we are a fucking eruption.
Kissing Fern is like losing a piece of myself.
Only minutes before, I had watched Gabe grasp at her possessively. I saw how she curved into him, how she welcomed his cold touch of darkness, how her body bent to his, wrapping him in her light as she absorbed his ice.
Then I had watched how she had opened up to Mihr’s gentle kiss, to his warm manner and joyous smile. She had basked in it, had unfurled like a flower in the sun.
Now, in my arms, she burns brighter, stronger. She is my match like no other has ever been. She cracks open my heart and stokes the flames that have always burned there. Her touch, her kiss, her everything makes me a better man. I know now what I suspected all along. She belongs to me, to each of us, and we belong to her in return.
Fern.
When we pull apart the fire appeases within me, enough so that I am able to function. I raise my hands to Fern’s shirt, which is falling forward over her shoulders. It must be in tatters down her back, her skin bare to Gabe and Mihr. What a sight that must be, to see her newly born wings against her porcelain skin.
“Your top,” I say, pulling it up.
Our eyes meet, and the fire sparks again at that simple touch. How I want to touch her more, to lose myself in the inferno we have built. I know Gabe and Mihr feel it too. I know she does. But there are practicalities that must be dealt with and things that need to be said, explained. In a few minutes, her strength will wane, and she will feel more tired than she ever has in her life. She will sleep for days. We all will. Knowing what is coming,
I repeat the question she has still to answer.
“Fern, how do you feel?”
“I feel like a baby bird.” She half smiles, half grimaces.
“It will take a while to adjust. We shall all be here to help you.”
“Will it hurt like that every time?” Her hand trails to her shoulder blade, kneading the taut muscle there.
“No. The first time is always the worst. The pain will ease every time you choose to spread your wings.”
“Choose to?” she asks, her brows pulling together.
“You don’t have to reveal them all the time. They can be... hidden, for lack of a better word.”
“Hidden, how? Surely they don’t just sink into my back. How will they fit?”
I chuckle, surprised by her lack of fear, enthralled by her inquisitiveness and acceptance.
“These wings come with a certain kind of magic. They are always here, but not always visible.”
“How are they not visible? I see yours now, but I didn’t the second time you returned to my house.”
“Once revealed the first time, your wings will never disappear, they will remain on your back folded like mine are or spread wide in flight. However, we can choose to allow someone to see them or not. We just have to wish them hidden and they will be.”
“Wish them hidden?”
“Yes. In the coming weeks we can show you how. First, you must get used to them.”
“Why would you hide them? I mean, what’s the purpose of that?”
“Most of the time we can reveal them, especially here in Utero. In Ever Vale, our wings bring fear. We choose to keep them hidden because of that.”
“I see…” Fern’s mouth pinches shut as she thinks about what I’ve said.
“I know this must be difficult for you. We made a promise…”
“And I made my decision. I took a risk, despite everyone’s concern. This is the result. I must live with that now.”
“You didn’t know it would lead to this though,” I say, my eyes grazing over her beautiful wings. They are beginning to tremble now the adrenaline has worn off.
“Neither did any of you.”
Her words and body language tell me she has accepted her fate, yet her eyes speak an entirely different story. It seems I’m not the only one who puts their feelings and the needs of others before their own. Another quality required to lead.
She wobbles slightly, and I flick my eyes to Gabe and Mihr. One look from me and they stand, walking around Fern’s huge wings. Both are careful not to touch them. Like skin, every single feather is sensitive to touch. If they were to even graze one when she isn’t prepared for it, the feeling would be overwhelming. Although perhaps I shouldn’t be so worried, she’s already touched me with them and survived such sensation.
“Fern, you need to rest,” Mihr says, taking her elbow in his. She leans into him slightly and he takes her weight.
“They are so heavy. I’m afraid I won’t be able to manage, that I won’t be strong enough.”
I know she isn’t just talking about her physical strength. Her honesty is refreshing.
“Ether will teach you, Fern. He’s not only our leader, but our mentor and guide. He will show you what to do. You just need time with him to be able to do that,” Mihr says, partly signing, partly talking.
“You’re leaving?” she asks, understanding that somewhere in that sentence there is a goodbye.
“Not leaving,” Gabe explains. “We need to bring food, supplies. You’ve not eaten in days. Very soon your energy will be depleted. We shall return.”
“You both need to go?” Panic litters her voice.
“Neither of us wish to leave you for even a moment now that we’ve just got you back,” Mihr says quietly, the smile I’ve not seen for so long slipping from his face.
“Then stay. I don’t want you to leave just yet. Stay for a little while longer.”
“You need to eat, Fern,” I chastise.
“What I need is you all here with me now. I can’t bear to be away from you. Not when I feel this,” she says, crashing her hand against her chest. The action causes her top to slide forward off her shoulders and down her arms, revealing the top of her breasts, showing perfect, flawless skin.
Gabe reaches for her and pulls her into his arms, drawing up her top as he does so. It is about the most sensitive, gentle thing I have seen him do since the curse was cast and his heart was turned darker than the night without stars to light it. My own heart squeezes at the memory of those early days.
“Fern, fold your wings away. You need to rest, and you can’t do that with them out,” Gabe explains.
I see the effort it takes to fulfil such a request. Her face pales further, as her body trembles. The corner of her wings tremble, but they do not close.
“I can’t…” Fern starts, her legs buckling.
“Mihr, help her,” I order.
Mihr knows what I mean for him to do. Just like the first time when our wings appeared, the pain to fold them back is just as intense. It’s an odd kind of pain, one that is edged in pleasure.
He nods sharply and moves to stand behind her. I look at Fern. “Mihr’s touch will be the least invasive. He is connected to you more acutely by your physicality. He can sense what your body can and can’t take,” I explain.
“He can?” she asks me.
“Yes, Fern. The Harmonious bond is between us all now. Mihr is connected to you more so through your body. It is why you can understand his sign language. Gabe’s soul and yours are connected, it’s why you heard his singing over and above ours before we bonded.”
“What about you, Ether?”
“Mind. You and I, Fern, we’re the same,” I say, before turning to Mihr. “Do it quickly. Gabe, don’t let her go.”
Gabe holds her steady in his arms whilst Mihr reaches out and places his hands on the arched bone of her wings. I hear Fern sigh, watch as her body shudders in Gabe’s hold.
“Hold steady, Fern. It will be over soon,” Mihr says.
She grimaces, not for one second taking her eyes from me, then nods her head minutely. “Do it.”
Mihr grits his teeth, slides his hands down the bones supporting Fern’s wings so that his own arms are pulled wide, then drags down, forcing them to fold against her back.
The scream that rips from Fern’s mouth just about tears my heart out of my chest. She crumples in Gabe’s arms, passing out from the pain. He takes her weight, folding her body against his and lays her on the floor. Mihr kneels next to her, his eyes filled with guilt.
“Stay here with Fern. I will fetch what we need. She won’t be waking for a while,” I say, stepping out of the temple’s entrance.
Gabe and Mihr do as I ask and lie down next to her. I watch as two dark wings spread over her body protectively, one Gabe’s, the other Ether’s. Beneath them Fern lays unconscious, cocooned in the safety of their wings.
Chapter Three
Launching into the air I beat my wings, feeling both simultaneously free and trapped. It’s the same every time I fly. The rush of the wind as it lifts my wings, the pull of the muscles in my back as they stretch wide, and the absolute freedom of flying. These wings have made my life bearable, but the cost is a high price, one I pray Fern will never have to pay.
Every feather represents a life I’ve taken. What lifts me high and makes me weightless also serves as a reminder of the burden I carry and the souls I’ve stolen.
As I glide over the empty expanse of Utero between the temple and my home, I can’t help but remember the lives lost to my touch. I’m not talking about the ones cut short by Queen Adrielle’s demands, though that is hellish enough. No, I’m talking about the innocent lives I’ve stolen time and time again so that I might live.
So many babies…
A cry rips up through my chest, but I close my mouth on its release. Forcing the pain back inside where it belongs. I cannot allow myself to feel, to grieve. I’ve survived this far by blocking all my emotions, tuc
king them away in a fortress of my own making. It has served me well so far. Until today, that is. A strange laugh gurgles up my throat.
Fern broke through that wall with one kiss.
Just one kiss.
I am hers now. I know that as sure as I know my own mind.
When Mihr commanded me to touch her, I had done so on instinct. My usual level-headedness had evaded me in the moment, forced aside by emotion. Fern was dying. Mihr had given me hope we could save her, that the Harmonious bond was the key, that together we had the power to bring her back, and we had. Mihr had been right, our touch has saved her, but it has condemned her too.
Now she has wings, and as beautiful as they are, that terrifies me.
I cannot bear for Fern to have the same fate as the rest of Clan Vitae. She’s strong, she’s determined, but the burden we all bear every damn day is fucking torture. I don’t want her to have to take a life to live. Now or ever.
But her wings are different.
If she truly were the same as us, wouldn’t her wings be the same? I don’t have the answer to my own question. This has never happened before. How can I guide her if I don’t know what to expect? This is new territory for me and I don’t want to fuck up. Making a decision, I tilt to the right and head towards Tillan’s place instead of my own.
When I arrive, Tillan is in her kitchen making a batch of medicinal drinks. These aren’t the kind that can fix physical issues, we have Utero for that. The medicine she produces is for matters of the mind. I’ve been drinking her concoctions for years. Without her, I would have lost all rational thought a long time ago.
“Ether, you’re back. Where’s Gabe and Mihr? Is Fern…?” she asks, the worry making her hands shake. There was a time when I would have gone to her and held her, comforted her with sex. But that closeness ended many years ago. Tillan and I are better friends than lovers.
“She’s alive, Tillan. Gabe was right.”
Tillan drops a glass vial from her hands. It smashes on the floor. “She’s alive? How?”