by Bea Paige
“Do you think you can manage with my support, or would you like me to carry you?” Ether asks.
“I can manage like this, Ether. It might take me half an hour to walk across the room, but I will do it.”
“Don’t forget I remember only too well what it was like in the beginning, Fern. Save that courage and determination for when you really need it,” he scolds gently.
“I hate feeling weak and dependent,” I say, leaning into his arms that bit more.
“You are neither weak nor dependent and you know it. Come on, it’s about time we wake Gabe and Mihr up. There’s a lot we need to discuss.”
We head back into the main hall, Ether supporting me and me letting him. I feel stronger after my time with him. I feel secure in his arms. Even after his confession about Gabe, I still feel the strength of our connection and for now, that’s enough.
Chapter Eight
When we walk into the room, Mihr has already awoken. He has his back to us both and is unpacking the bag Ether brought in with him earlier. Gabe is still sleeping on the floor, curled to the side with his knees drawn up. He is cocooned in his own wings, I can barely see his face amongst the feathers. Ether glances at him too, but the feelings I know are there, are hidden beneath a mask. One that I wish he wouldn’t put on so easily.
“Mihr?” I say tentatively.
He stands, turning to face me, his gaze flicking between myself and Ether. The dark circles under his eyes have lessened and he looks rested. His hay-blonde hair is messed up from sleep, giving him a deliciously dishevelled look. Yet he holds his body taut, his jaw clenched in a hard line. He folds his arms across his chest, closing himself off from me, from us both.
“Mihr, what is it?” I sign. I know we can communicate now without sign language, but I feel I need to converse with him this way. It makes it more personal between us somehow. The expression he holds softens a little at that.
“There’s nothing wrong, Fern. I’m glad you’re feeling better now.” His eyes flick to Ether’s arm wrapped around my waist and to the room beyond the hall. Did he hear us, is this why he’s acting so strange? Is he angry, jealous?
“Mihr, talk to me.”
“It’s fine.” He shakes his head, plastering on a smile. I hate that. I hate the fact he feels the need to hide his true feelings from me. Ether is very still beside me.
“You’re upset, and I want you to tell me why.”
Mihr sighs. He shifts on his feet, his hands now buried in his trouser pockets, one form of communication silenced by his actions. I don’t try and fill the silence. I wait.
“It should’ve been me, Fern,” he says eventually.
“What should have?”
His eyes flick to the back room, then to me again.
“Oh, I see.”
He seems genuinely hurt, it takes me aback. Why do I suddenly feel as though I have cheated on Mihr, when minutes ago what happened between Ether and me felt so right? Why do I feel guilty for acting on instinct? It wasn’t wrong, I know that deep down, and yet I feel the need to explain my actions, even though I shouldn’t have to. Instead, Ether tries to do that for me.
“Mihr, I know you remember what it was like in the beginning. I sure haven’t forgotten. When we were Awoken, it was weeks of debilitating pain for us all. Fern seems to have been affected slightly differently. She’s in pain, yes, but it isn’t as severe.”
“It’s not?” I ask. It feels pretty severe to me. To prove a point, my knees buckle a little and my hand flies to Ether’s chest.
His wing wraps around me automatically, tucking under my backside and helping me stand once more. “Okay?” he murmurs.
I nod my head. “Just about.”
Holding me firm against his side, Ether continues to explain. “Fern, the fact that you are standing, talking, shows incredible strength. It’s more than we were able to do even after a few weeks. Yet you are able to do this after a few hours. It’s unusual. Not to mention the other way you were affected. That is different too.”
“How are you affected differently?” Mihr asks me directly. I guess he wants it straight from the horse’s mouth, or should I say angel’s?
Sucking in my core muscles, I straighten my back and hold myself upright. Ether’s wing remains pressed against me, supporting me. I’m glad of it.
“I woke up feeling wired, Mihr. Laying there between you both I began to feel stirrings of lust, for want of a better word. I can’t explain it other than I needed release, but at the same time I had this real urge to connect with someone… Ether was there. It seemed right, in that moment. I’m grateful to him for what we shared.”
“It was my pleasure to serve you…” Mistress. That’s the word Ether doesn’t say out loud but is what I see forming between our connection.
“I wanted it to happen. I’m glad it did,” I say gently. I glance up at Ether and give him a reassuring smile before turning back to Mihr. “I’m sorry you’re hurt by that.”
Mihr frowns, debating what I’ve said. “I felt your need through our connection too, Fern. I woke up because of it. Despite my exhaustion. I wanted to be the one to relieve your discomfort, to ease your pain. I should’ve stayed awake…”
I realise then, it’s not jealousy or anger he feels, but guilt. He feels guilty.
“Mihr, you were awake for five days straight. You needed the rest…” Ether says gently.
“It’s not the point, Ether. It should’ve been me. My connection with Fern is strongest through our physical sides, our bodies.” He turns to look at me. “I let you down. I should’ve been there for you in that moment.”
“Don’t do that, Mihr. You’ve not let me down. None of you have.”
He doesn’t respond verbally, but I can read the imprints of Mihr’s thoughts just like Ether said I would be able to. They aren’t as clear as Ether’s, but combined with his body language, I understand them well enough.
What is overwhelmingly obvious is that Mihr is filled with guilt and remorse. It isn’t just because of the fact he was too exhausted to stay awake earlier, but also because of what I am now. He is worried for me and how I will cope with my wings.
“Mihr, I know you fear for me and what I might have to do in order to keep this new life I have. But that’s not your burden to shoulder. It’s mine. These wings are part of me now, and although I am scared too, I will carry the weight of them. Just like you have every day for a thousand years… Come here,” I urge. He hesitates, battling with himself.
“Please,” I add, holding my arms out to him.
As Mihr strides towards me, Ether lets go of my waist, giving us the space we need in this moment. Mihr pulls me into his arms and holds me against his chest, pressing a kiss into my hair. For long moments we just hold each other. The warmth I always feel in Mihr’s presence wraps around me once again and I find myself relaxing into his hold. My body seems to fit perfectly against his. I hear the steady beat of his heart, feel the gentleness of his touch as he slides his hands around my back and under my wings. His fingers begin to knead the knotted muscles around the base of them and I can’t help but wonder what it would feel like to have his hands massage the rest of my aching body this way. Warmth blooms in my chest at the thought. He leans back, one hand cupping my face, the other tucking stray strands of hair behind my ear.
“I’m so sorry for not being strong enough when you needed me… I’m sorry for everything you’re going to have to face.” He shakes his head, silence becoming his friend now.
I grip Mihr’s face in my palms, forcing him to look at me. A thousand emotions pass through his beautiful eyes, darkened now in the dim light of the temple.
I read them all, every footprint dissolving in sand, every impression of his thoughts.
I sense his concern, his guilt, his worry, his… love? My chest squeezes at that. It is fleeting, perhaps I misunderstood. I don’t try and decipher that thought further.
“I can do this, Mihr.”
“You’re so strong, F
ern,” he says with admiration.
“And you’re not? You’ve lived this life for a thousand years, Mihr. You’ve suffered cruelly. I didn’t fully understand before just how much courage it takes to stay alive, given the burden you all carry. You want better things. You still have hope, even when your life is filled with nothing but darkness and death. I understand now and I’m sorry if I ever judged you.”
“You don’t need to apologise to me, to any of us.”
“I do. I did judge you in the beginning.”
“I don’t blame you for that, Fern, given what we’re capable of, but I want you to understand that every action I’ve taken, we’ve taken, has been with your best interests at heart. When you were sick, we tried everything to heal you. None of us slept. We used every tonic Tillan could produce. We took you to the ground so many times, hoping that the next time it would heal you, but nothing worked. Yesterday, when I brought you here, I did so because I believed you were dying and I didn’t want your last moments to be in Tillan’s home. It didn’t feel sacred enough, not for you.”
I grip hold of Mihr’s arms and squeeze them tightly. “Mihr, you don’t have to explain. I understand well enough…”
“No, please, let me finish. You may not remember it completely, but it was painful for you then and it was torturous to witness. I couldn’t watch you suffer. In the end, when you were lying in my arms rigid with pain, your heart slowing, I thought Gabe’s touch would release you. When it didn’t, when our bond brought you back, I understood what it meant. That you had Awoken, just like we all had a thousand years ago. I’m sorry for that, for the burden you carry now, but I can’t be sorry for bringing you back. I will never be sorry for that.”
“Mihr,” I whisper.
He doesn’t respond with words. Instead, he brings his lips to mine and kisses me. It’s gentle, so very gentle. Every emotion he feels is sealed in that kiss with a promise to take care of me, to protect me. With Ether, our kisses were passionate, filled with a crazy need to satiate. Mihr’s kisses are languid, slow, like the sun rising at dawn.
Time dissolves. He draws me closer until there is no space between us.
When he eventually pulls away, I’m breathless and weak-kneed.
“I think I might need to sit down for a bit,” I say.
Mihr cracks the most beautiful, heartfelt smile.
“Me too, Fern. Me too.”
Chapter Nine
For the next hour I sit beside the still comatose Gabe. He’s sleeping heavily, his soft breaths lifting his chest in a relaxed rhythm. I take the opportunity to study his face. Week-old stubble darkens his cheeks and chin. His full lips are parted slightly, showing me a glimpse of his straight, white teeth. Across his forehead, a swathe of jet-black hair sticks to a light sheen of sweat covering his skin. Beneath his head, a muscular arm is curved, his forearm covered in more dark hair. His eyebrows are pulled together in a deep frown and I have the sudden urge to reach over and touch him, soothe him, because even in his sleep he still seems troubled.
“You okay there, Fern?” Mihr asks as he empties another bag loaded with items that Ether has just returned with. Between them, Ether and Mihr have gathered enough stuff to make the temple look less like a place of worship and more like a makeshift home.
In the far corner, near the entrance, is a rudimentary kitchen. Just beyond the door Ether has set up a small fire, hanging above which is a pot bubbling with something that smells delicious. My stomach rumbles. I find that I am starving. I can’t recall the last time I ate.
“Won’t the other clan members be upset that we’ve set up camp here?” I ask after watching Ether turn the antechamber into a very comfortable looking bedroom, big enough to accommodate several people. He’s filled it with thick blankets, cushions and dozens of fur pelts that he brought back from his last trip. I try not to think too long about the sleeping arrangements.
“Not really. This temple is rarely used now.”
“But wouldn’t it just be easier if I went back to one of your homes? I don’t want to piss anyone off by taking over their sacred place.”
Mihr grabs a jug of water from the corner of the room and pours some into a cup.
“Drink,” he signs. He watches me gulp back the majority of it before responding to my question.
“We could, Fern, but actually, all our homes are very central amongst the other clan members’. You need privacy to get through the next couple weeks. That won’t happen if we take you back there. Besides, our people come here infrequently. If anyone happens to turn up, we’ll just tell them to leave.”
“And they’ll go? Just like that?”
“Of course they will, we are respected clan members,” a deep voice says from my side.
I glance down to see Gabe staring up at me. His glacier eyes dance with possession as they rove over my body. He doesn’t bother to hide the desire in his eyes, or the love. A thrilling chill slides down my spine.
“Gabe, you’re awake…” I say, my voice catching on the slide of ice that has somehow made its way to the front of my body and has settled between my legs. I clamp my mouth shut on the moan of pleasure. What the hell was that?
“Ah, glad to see you’re awake, Gabe. You’ve been out cold for hours,” Mihr says from the corner of the room.
“I have? What did I miss?” he asks, sitting upright and reaching for my hand. He grasps it firmly in his. I turn to face him, and the same chill spreads out over my body. He leans in and presses his mouth against the curve of my neck. His favourite spot to kiss, my favourite spot to be kissed. I almost leap out of my skin with the contact. Something incredibly powerful pulls taut within my chest.
“I have a tattoo on my back,” I say, ignoring the pain and parting my wings slightly so Gabe can pull up my top. I feel his cold fingertips brush against my skin.
“You have a tattoo? Why do I only know about this now?” Mihr says, pushing off against the wall. He walks towards us both, stopping to bend down behind me so he can look at my back.
“How?” I feel another set of fingers trail across my skin and try not to imagine what both would feel like on other parts of my body… at the same time.
“It appeared while I was sleeping. I had this dream about a room with five doors. On each door was a flower carved into the surface. I was drawn to the door with the bluebell on it. I touched it… When I woke up, this was on my back.”
Mihr stands, walking back around in front of me. “Well, that’s not at all odd.”
“Part of the Harmonious bond, Mihr?” Gabe asks, his fingers still trailing across my bare skin.
“Could well be, I suppose,” Mihr says, looking thoughtful.
“What else has been going on? Have these guys been taking care of you, Fern?”
“While you and I slept, Fern and Ether…” Mihr stops mid-sentence.
“Fern and Ether what?” Gabe asks, the change in his tone immediate. No longer curious, it is edged with shadow. His wing shoots out behind him and wraps around my back. I feel the firm pressure of his feathers as they press against my folded wings. This time I am unable to keep in the moan of pleasure his touch gives me. Another cold thread of sensation pulses over my skin, homing in on my most sensitive spots.
I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope if this carries on much longer. I squirm uncomfortably.
“Fern and Ether what?” Gabe repeats.
“Gabe, Fern needed release. She needed a distraction from the pain, so I gave it to her,” Ether says frankly, his eyes flicking to mine. He’s leaning against the archway of the antechamber, his arms crossed against his chest. The way he explains what happened sounds dismissive, as though it was an exchange of pleasure purely for practicality’s sake. Perhaps it had started off like that, but he and I both know it meant more by the end. Much more. Ether is doing what he does best and is hiding his true feelings once more, but in this situation it’s the wrong decision. I know that instantly.
“What the fuck, Ether?” Gabe seethes.
“It’s done. You need to deal with it…” The look he gives Gabe is one of seniority. His look brooks no arguments.
I don’t think Gabe gives a shit.
“You fucking prick.” Gabe stands abruptly, releasing me from his hold. “You know how I feel about Fern, you goddamn arsehole. I love her, and you talk about what’s happened as though it means nothing. As though it’s a business transaction.”
Ether doesn’t try to correct him.
“Gabe, it wasn’t like that. I asked for his help. Ether doesn’t mean…” I say, attempting to get up, but my wings drag me back down.
“Gabe, Ether means no disrespect. He did what he had to,” Mihr says, unknowingly adding fuel to Gabe’s anger.
I can feel Gabe’s utter rage, disappointment, hurt, anger. But in a brief moment of understanding, just as I sort through the chaotic footprints of Gabe’s thoughts, one footstep is clear amongst the others. Gabe feels that Ether has dishonoured me with his words and his actions. That footprint quickly dissolves, submerged by the jealousy Gabe feels; there’s lots of that. It’s cloying, suffocating. I almost choke on it. Any moment now he’s going to lose his shit.
“Gabe, don’t,” I warn.
But he doesn’t listen. Instead he stalks towards Ether, who stands a little straighter, readying himself. They’ve done this before, that much is clear.
“Listen. You and Mihr were exhausted. Fern needed someone in that moment. I gave her what she needed. Get over it.”
Oh fuck.
“I’m going to kill you!” Gabe launches himself at Ether and I’m pretty sure I hear Ether say, “What’s new?” before they both tumble backwards into the makeshift bedroom.
Fists fly, cusses resound through the hall, rebounding off the walls. Feathers are torn from wings in seconds. Gabe fights furiously. I notice Ether doesn’t fight back nearly as hard.
“Stop them!” I say to Mihr, reaching for him as he strides over to me. He pulls me up into his arms and holds me close against his side.