by Bea Paige
“They’re best left to fight this out. There’s no reaching Gabe when he’s like this.”
“This is ridiculous. That wasn’t what it was like,” I say, wincing at the punch Gabe levels at Ether’s jaw.
“There’s nothing you can do right now. It’ll be over soon. This isn’t the first fight they’ve had, and I doubt it will be the last.”
A sudden anger fills my chest. “No, there’s no way I’m having this.”
I shake out of Mihr’s hold, and with a strength born from anger and annoyance I ignore the agony in my back and stride over to the room as gracefully as I can with two huge wings intent on toppling me over.
“ENOUGH!” I shout. The sound of my own voice is unrecognisable. “Stop, at once.”
My command is like a bucket of ice-cold water putting out their rage. They roll away from each other. Both stare up at me, wild-eyed and panting. Feathers float down to the floor and settle on the throws, pillows and furs that are scattered about the room. Gabe’s top is ripped down the middle and the torn material showcases a smattering of dark hair which trails down his chest and disappears into his jeans. I rip my eyes away and look at Ether, who already has a huge bruise darkening his jaw.
“Let’s get one thing perfectly clear,” I say, addressing them both. “There will be no more fighting. There will be no jealousy or lies.” I look pointedly at Ether then. He has the good grace to look ashamed. “I won’t tolerate it. I know what happened between us meant something to you, Ether. I felt it, and you did too. Gabe is upset because he feels you have dishonoured me in some way, am I right?”
Gabe nods tightly. “I’ve waited years to touch you, to be with you. To hear Ether shrug it off like that…” Gabe’s eyes flash with rage again.
Ether pounds his fist against the floor, in frustration, in anger, I don’t know. He looks at me, then at Gabe.
“That’s not how it was. I thought you’d take the news better that way, given how much you love Fern. I thought you’d be jealous of our connection. I know how possessive you can get. I apologise, I thought it was the right thing to do.”
“So Fern does mean something to you?” Gabe asks, his temper cooling instantly.
“More than I care to admit.”
A silence sits heavy between us all whilst Gabe mulls this over. After a while he speaks. “I was jealous. I am jealous,” he says to Ether, then looks at me. “You were my secret. You were mine for years. I would be lying if I said the punches I threw weren’t thrown half in jealousy. I hate that Ether touched you. You deserve to be adored, worshipped.” The low bass of his voice has my insides liquifying. I snatch my eyes away, because if he continues to gaze at me like that, like he wants to take me now in front of Mihr and Ether, my knees will collapse, permanently this time.
I turn my body slightly and look at Mihr, who is leaning against the wall with a grin on his face. Of the three, he is the most accepting of the situation. His earlier outburst was because of guilt, not jealousy or anger, or fear of his own emotions.
“Go on. Let them have it,” Mihr signs. He grins widely, and in that moment I love him for it, for making me see that this is just a flash in the pan. That we will be okay, together.
I turn back to the testosterone-filled room to find Gabe’s head in his hands. It softens my next lecture a little.
“I know you’re upset, Gabe. I understand where you’re coming from, but know this, if I want Ether to touch me, then I’ll damn well let him. If I want Mihr’s kisses and your fucking love, then I expect you all to respect that. I am connected to all of you. Ether was there in the moment when I needed him. I don’t regret it. I won’t. The prophecy may have brought you to me. This ring,” I say, holding up my hand, “may have allowed you to find me, but the Harmonious bond is what I trust. You told me it’s sacred to your people. It has linked the four of us for a reason. How can we be strong together, if there is fighting amongst ourselves? How can I relax enough to trust you all if a choice I make has you fighting one another? If this is to work between us all, then we have to come to an understanding, and fast.”
“And what might that understanding be?” Gabe asks me. He’s pissed off still, but he’s managing to put a lid on the darkness that is trying its best to rule him.
“First and foremost, no lies. I won’t stand for it. I’ve lived a lie my whole life. If there’s stuff I need to know, and you haven’t told me yet, now’s the time. I’m a big girl. I can handle it. We agreed on the truth, remember.”
Ether catches my eye.
“The truth,” I say again. Ether presses his eyes shut and pushes his fingers against them. He takes a deep breath, then opens them up again.
“Agreed.”
I turn around to face Mihr, not leaving him out. “You think about keeping things inside, Mihr, you don’t. You share. Tell me, tell us,” I say. “I am here for you as much as you are here for me. Support, it goes both ways. I lean on you, you lean on me. Got it?”
“From this moment on,” he responds.
Turning back around I address Gabe, directing what I say next to him, specifically. “If you feel anger, rage towards one of us, if you’re pissed off, if you feel the darkness taking over, you tell me. Your actions affect me now we’re connected. Besides, I don’t want you to go through any of those feelings alone. You’ve fought by yourself for long enough.”
“My feelings affect you? I didn’t think…”
“Yes. I felt your rage. I understand how difficult it is for you, Gabe. How hard you fight the darkness. But I am here now. I am strong enough to help you. Have faith in me.”
Gabe stands, striding over to me. He stops a foot away, taking heed of my words. Wanting, no needing, my permission for him to touch me.
“I always have, Fern. I love you. I know that might be hard to understand, you barely know me. But I’ve loved you for so long. I have faith in you.”
“I’m glad.” My heart lifts at that. Of the three, Gabe is the one who wears his emotions on his sleeve. He’s unafraid of them. It’s refreshing, even when it hurts.
“Forgive me,” he murmurs.
“I already have.”
Gabe doesn’t try to touch me or kiss me, though I know he’s desperate to. In this moment I’m relieved, not because I don’t long for his touch - in fact, it’s getting harder and harder to ignore - but because I need to remain focused on what I am about to say next, because damn if I am not suddenly nervous saying it.
“While I don’t fully understand the Harmonious bond, it has bound us to each other. From this moment on we do this together, we share everything. Including me.”
Chapter Ten
Gabe
“Well?” Fern asks.
Behind me, I hear Ether stand. When I glance over at him, he’s rubbing a hand over his jaw.
Fuck.
The woman I’ve loved for the past one hundred and sixty years, the woman I’ve wanted to touch, to hold, has lain in Ether’s arms instead of mine, and now she wants me to share?
Right or wrong, it fucking kills me.
I see how she looks at Ether now. I see the compassion in her eyes and I want to fucking pummel him again. It’s taking all I have not to. The darkness in me is fucking raging.
No, goddamn it. No.
“If that’s what you want,” Ether says.
“It is,” Fern responds. Her gaze falls on me.
“Gabe?”
What the fuck does she want me to say? I no longer want to kill Ether, but he’s not exactly my favourite person right now. I imagine his large hands claiming her body, her smaller ones running over his bare skin, and another streak of jealousy carves through my chest. I hate him less for admitting it meant something, but I still hate the fact he touched her. I know the Harmonious bond has brought us together. I know what the fucking prophecy says, but Life damn it, it doesn’t mean I have to fucking like it.
Darkness circles within me, it billows in my stomach, making me feel sick.
“Gabe?�
�� she insists.
“The darkness…” I hiss. “I can’t look at him right now.”
She wanted me to tell her when I feel out of control, so I’m telling her now. Either he leaves, or I do.
Ether sighs heavily. “I’m going to grab some more stuff. It will give Gabe time to calm down. Me being here is not helping, Fern.”
Even the calmness of his words angers me. The control he has at all times just pisses me off. I prefer him when he’s real. He wasn’t his true self when we were fighting just now, he held back, like always. I’ve seen that control slip just twice in all the years I’ve known Ether; yesterday, when Fern walked towards him, her newly born wings quivering in the pink light of Utero, and that night when Ether and I…
I shake my head. That was a long time ago. A very long time.
Ether approaches, but I step out of his way and walk to the other side of the room. Distance is all I have right now. I need space between us. He’s right, I do need to calm down because even though he’s admitted to feeling something for Fern, I still want to kill him for touching her. Earlier when she kissed Mihr and Ether, I was still in the thrall of the bond. Now my head has cleared I can’t seem to control the jealousy.
My fucking soul hurts.
I watch as she reaches out a hand and rests it on his chest. He leans into her touch. The familiarity slices open my heart. It almost floors me. How can I do what she wants? How can I stand and watch as she kisses and touches Ether and Mihr? I don’t know if I can do this.
“I’ll be back in an a few hours,” he says
“You’ll be back in under one,” she replies. It is not a request but an order. He nods tightly and moves to pull away, but she stops him once more. They look at each other, a silent conversation going on between them. Then, slowly, Ether leans forward and brushes his lips against hers.
“I’ll see you soon,” she whispers against his lips.
Before I can even control myself, my fist slams against the brick wall. The skin on my knuckles splits immediately. Behind me, I hear Fern suggest to Mihr that he should keep Ether company.
“I won’t leave you alone with him like this,” Mihr says.
“He won’t hurt me, you know that, Mihr.”
I can’t turn around. I can’t do anything but fight the crippling agony I feel.
She’s mine.
She’s my angel.
Life help me, what am I to do?
Their conversation goes silent, and I know they are conversing with sign language. Even that makes my heart patter with jealousy. I press my forehead against the wall and squeeze my eyes shut.
“We’ll return soon, Fern. Drink this. It’s one of Tillan’s tonics. It will give you the strength to manage until we’re back.”
I hear him kiss her and my stomach knots tighter. I drop to my knees, gripping hold of the blankets in my hands. My heart crashes against my ribcage as though it’s trying to appease the hurt I feel with more pain.
Then I hear the whooshing sound of two sets of wings as Ether and Mihr leave us. Both a sudden sense of relief and an overwhelming despair fights for my attention. I love my brothers. I hate that I feel this way, but I’m glad they’re gone.
Fern approaches me slowly. Every soft tread of her bare feet across the room has my pulse kicking up a beat. If I turn and look at her, I won’t be able to control myself. I need her so much I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
“Gabe, listen to my voice. You’re going to be okay. We’ll be okay. I trust you.”
“You shouldn’t.” My hand tightens on the blanket.
“I do.”
“Then don’t. Don’t trust me. You should never have let them leave you alone with me.”
“What are you going to do, Gabe? You won’t hurt me.”
“I might. I have before.”
“You won’t.” I hear her settle on the floor behind me. I am so in tune with her, I can almost hear the blood pulsing in her veins. Her shallow breathing tells me she is more afraid than she’s letting on.
“I’m not afraid, Gabe. That’s not what I feel,” she says softly.
How does she know…?
“The bond. I understand you better than you think.”
Of course.
“Will you turn around? Will you look at me?” Her voice is gentle, soft, full of light. I have no other choice but to do as she asks.
Twisting slowly on my knees, I turn to face her. Every part of me wants to devour her, to touch her, hold her, never fucking let her go.
She folds her hands in her lap. I look at the white expanse of her wrist edging out of her top. That small exposed piece of flesh has my cock straining painfully in the confines of my jeans.
I.
Can’t.
Breathe.
“Gabe, you’re torturing yourself. Don’t do that.” Her words cut through the fog in my mind. My head snatches up. She holds my gaze. Her heart beats faster, her cheeks flush, her pupils enlarge. Her whole body is telling me she wants me as much as I want her.
But I’ve been wrong before. I’ve misunderstood and taken what wasn’t mine to take. Carlotta’s pretty face enters my thoughts. I took everything she had to give, until there was nothing left. I took her strength, her vitality, her youth. I left her a crippled older woman. She’d wanted my love too, she’d wanted me. But she hadn’t wanted that and by the time I’d realised, it was too late.
That must never happen again.
I fear the darkness that billows at the edge of my soul. It is capable of anything.
Fern reaches out to touch me, but I flinch away. Her hand hovers over my bare arm. I can feel the heat of her skin warm the ice of mine.
“Let me help you. You don’t have to be alone anymore.” She lowers her hand and rests it on my arm. My cock twitches. The darkness in my chest rises to my skin. I know she feels the pull of it, as much as I feel the light within her.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Fern. What if I do that? Look what’s happened every time we’ve touched.”
“You can’t hurt me like that anymore, Gabe. Haven’t you noticed? I’m like you now,” she says, a small smile pulling up her lips.
“Not quite,” I reply, my eyes flicking to her wings.
“You think that makes us incompatible? That it should stop us from doing what we both want?”
“You want me?” I say, my throat constricting.
“You know I do. Isn’t it obvious?”
I look at her in utter wonder. I’m capable of hurting the people who care about me the most. I take life before it’s even begun, and yet she still wants me.
Her hand grips mine tighter, my skin zings with her touch. I feel comfort slide up my arm and filter into my chest. I know that sounds strange, but that’s exactly what I feel, comforted.
Without thinking about what I am doing, I shuffle forward on my knees towards her. Her hand leaves my arm and raises to my face. She cups my cheek, cocking her head to the side as she looks at me. Bereft of touch for so long, I am unable to do anything more than allow her to graze her fingers over my skin. The need for contact, love, overrides every other feeling in this moment. I don’t know if she could ever love me. But right now, I will take what I can get.
“Gabe, you’ve fought so hard for so long. Let me give you what you need. Trust me to take care of you now.”
I grit my teeth. I want to give in. I want to let Fern comfort me. I ache for her, but I just can’t seem to let go and I don’t mean sexually. I would fuck her now and it would be everything I’ve ever wanted, but it wouldn’t be enough. It’ll never be enough. I know myself enough to understand that. I will take and take and take, until there is nothing left for any of us.
Fern’s eyebrows pull together. She catches my eye, the grey of hers stormy like a billowing cloud before thunder.
Then she does something incredible.
She begins to sing.
My throat constricts.
Fern trails her fingertips ove
r the stubble of my cheek and along my jaw. My heart squeezes so hard I think it might combust for good. The gentle cadence of her voice rises and falls in time with my heartbeat as her fingers slide over my lips, pressing gently. They linger against my mouth momentarily before sliding upwards into my hair. I watch her the whole time, utterly enthralled by her beauty, her voice, her kindness and strength.
My cock has never been so damn hard. My heart so full. My soul so light. I’ve never felt so desperate to fuck and so utterly relaxed at the same time. One of her hands curls around my hair, pulling hard, the other reaches for my cock and rubs over my hard length. All the while she sings to me.
I am undone.
Her eyes remain fixed on mine. She communicates to me with them as much as she does with her hands and her voice. Her hand untangles from my hair and moves downwards to my chest. Her fingers slide under my ripped top, her warm palm sits over my bleeding heart.
If I concentrate hard enough, if I reach through the fog of bleakness that curls inside me always, I can almost understand what she’s thinking.
A wet footprint begins to form.
Fern isn’t afraid. She trusts me, knows me. I see that now. I understand.
Inside, I feel the darkness begin to unravel and the rage subside, not pushed back by her light. No, absorbed by it. A little piece of the dark is consumed by her. The edges of our souls slide over one another. My dark, her light, intermingling.
The last note leaves her lips, and her hands still.
My cock pulses beneath her palm, my chest heaves under her touch.
“Fern…” I grind out, barely able to form her name.
“I know, I feel it too,” she says, then leans forward and presses her lips against mine.
And I lose all control.
I grab at her top and rip it from her back. She sucks in a sharp breath through her teeth as the material catches on her wings, but she doesn’t pull back. Instead, she allows me to throw it to one side then pull her onto my lap. She wraps her legs around my waist as my hands drop to her soft breasts. I squeeze them firmly, my fingers rolling over her nipples. To hold her in my hands like this, to touch her, skin to skin. To feel her absorb some of my ice. Fuck.