Talking to Addison

by Jenny Colgan

  Between them, they took all the pre-packaged rubbish, chopped it all up, liquidized it and turned it into a slightly odd but warming soup and pasta sauce, and we all sat down at the table at last.

  ‘Sweetcorn in pasta sauce,’ I said. ‘Not been done enough.’

  ‘Shh,’ said Josh. ‘Please don’t remind Kate that this pasta sauce cost £30. But, hey, the boxes will come in handy.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘I don’t know … sledges for hamsters?’

  ‘All right, you two,’ said Kate. ‘How was he? I assume no better or you’d have said, but we now have only six days, as far as I can see.’

  We told her about the accidental waking of another patient, and her eyes lit up. ‘So, it’s obviously Josh’s singing. We just need to find the right song.’

  ‘Oh yes, well, that shouldn’t be a problem. Six days to sing him every song in the world.’

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘Why don’t we go in his room and dig up his record collection and sing that?’

  ‘Nice one,’ said Kate.

  ‘Thank you.’

  After dinner had been cleared away – and Kate overwhelmingly thanked to a nauseous degree – we crept into Addison’s room. It was eerier than ever without him there. The computer seemed to be working away on its own, blinking and whirring. The screen was off.

  ‘I don’t know where he keeps his albums,’ I said, looking around in dismay. If Kate hadn’t been there I would have gone up to his bed and smelled it.

  ‘Over there?’ said Josh, pointing to a pile of CDs underneath his desk. He went over to pick them up, and stumbled slightly on a Star Wars figure. This made him grab on to Add’s desk, where he accidentally touched the computer keyboard, causing the screensaver to go off.

  Instantly, Josh and Kate screeched.

  ‘Guys, guys … relax,’ I said, as they backed away. ‘Perhaps this would be a good time to introduce you to Addison’s other girlfriend.’

  Clutching each other, the two peered closer at the screen. As if in agitation, Claudia’s huge head was spinning even faster today. Down the side she had typed ‘WHERE ARE YOU?’ in increasingly large and panicked fonts.

  ‘CHRIST!’ said Kate. ‘I know he likes sci-fi, but that’s ridiculous.’

  Josh cottoned on slightly quicker.

  ‘You were losing out to that?’ he said, putting his arm round me.

  ‘No!’ I said. ‘I was playing the long game.’

  We stared at Claudia for a bit.

  ‘Somebody’s going to have to tell her,’ observed Kate.

  ‘Why?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t know … given that Addison is probably the only person she knows in the world and he’s just deserted her … I mean, Holly, how much blood do you want on your hands?’

  ‘For fuck’s sake,’ I said.

  ‘Go on, Holl,’ said Josh. ‘You have to.’

  Josh and Kate retreated – the yellow-bellied bastards – and tentatively, I sat down in front of the computer screen. The chair was far too high for me – my legs dangled off the floor. I felt Add’s presence very strongly, and missed him even more.

  ‘Hey,’ I typed.

  Instantly there was a flurry of text on the screen, mainly along the lines of where had I been, bastard? Oh, fantastic. So, not only was she horrible in my head, she might actually be horrible in person too.

  ‘This isn’t Addison,’ I typed. The flurry stopped. Then, after a pause:

  ‘Is this Holly?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH ADDISON?’

  Ah.

  ‘Nothing,’ I typed. ‘He had an accident.’

  ‘WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?’

  ‘Nothing. He fell off a wall.’

  ‘All by himself?’

  ‘Not exactly.’

  ‘You set about trying to steal my boyfriend then you throw him off a wall?’

  I really wished people would stop saying that.

  ‘Have you any idea what it is like to be me?’ she typed.

  Thankfully not. Being me was bad enough at the moment.

  ‘I’ve been housebound for six years. I only eat what I can get delivered, which is why I’m the weight I am. I never look in a mirror, because I know what it’s going to say. Both my parents are dead. I hate my job. Addison and Star Trek are the only friends I have. Did you know that?’

  ‘No,’ I typed, feeling hideously ashamed.

  ‘No, you wouldn’t even think about it, would you? I expect you thought Add would be pretty easy to steal away from me, didn’t you? You didn’t even think about his problems, about whether he was ready to go. You just thought: Horrible old Claudia, she’ll be easy to …’

  ‘Hey, one secnod,’ I typed, too cross to spell. ‘(1) If you’ve never met someone they are NOT officially your boyfriend. OK? And (2) do you want to go on and on about yourself or do you want to know how he is?’

  There was a long pause. I really wanted to find the button to stop the head spinning, but I couldn’t.

  Finally:

  ‘How is he?’

  ‘He’s not good. He’s in a coma, in fact.’

  There was a long pause.

  ‘I hate you.’

  Strange as it may seem, no one had ever said that to my face before, not even my parents.

  ‘You know, I didn’t have to let you know, you know,’ I typed anxiously. ‘I could have completely ignored you.’

  ‘I wish you had.’

  ‘Well, at least you know that it’s not because he didn’t …’ I didn’t want to say it, but I supposed I owed her that much ‘… love you.’

  The head stopped spinning, and she didn’t type any more.

  ‘How did it go?’ asked Josh later.

  ‘Oh, no problem at all. She was fine about it,’ I replied.

  Nine

  I was making up a funeral wreath. This, at least, felt apt. I let out a sigh as a tear dribbled down my nostril.

  ‘I hope you’re not making up family wreaths in company time,’ observed Mrs Bigelow in passing.

  ‘What an unfeeling bitch,’ said Chali loudly.

  I was grateful to her for voicing my thoughts from the impunity of being the boss’s niece.

  ‘… that Lassie really was,’ she finished abruptly, as Mrs Bigelow’s eagle eye found her. ‘Nice wreath for Mr Collins, by the way.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘I hope his family like it, although of course I have never met any of them.’

  Mrs Bigelow gave her traditional sniff and went off on one of her mysterious expeditions. Chali and I kicked back immediately.

  ‘Still not much change then?’ said Chali, pouring tea. I told her about Josh’s near miss with the Savoy song book. Her eyes lit up.

  ‘Hey, you know, we could do that!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’ll get the band in. We could come and play. Maybe get the local papers down – London Tonight something like that.’

  ‘London Tonight aren’t going to want to cover your band!’

  ‘Are you joking? They’d cover the St Winifred’s School Choir if it filled up some between space. Oh, this is a fantastic idea.’

  ‘Chali, you know, I really appreciate the offer, but I just don’t think the hospital is going to want long sessions of anti-establishment art wank – I mean, rock. I mean, what if you tried to plug the amp in and pulled out someone’s life-support system?’

  ‘Pleeeasse. And anyway, I’m not with that band any more. My new band is going to be much more acoustic.’

  ‘Oh yes? Like what?’

  ‘Like … the most acoustic thrash-metal band you’ve ever seen.’

  ‘Chali, this is a terrible idea.’

  ‘Gutters!’

  From the tiny back room, a filthy little blond-dreadlocked chap appeared. I hadn’t noticed him when I’d come in; only, it became obvious, because he was covered in so much soil.

  ‘I need you to go and get Mr Spangle.’

  ‘Who’s Mr
Spangle?’

  ‘Oh, he’s Mr Big for this new band.’

  ‘Mr Big Spangle? What’s the name of the band?’

  ‘Mr Big and the Spangles.’

  ‘Chali, thank you so much for your kind offer, but I don’t think the hospital’s going to …’

  ‘Only trying to help.’ She shrugged, and turned her back on me.

  ‘Hugnerh hugnerheh?’ said Gutters.

  ‘No, she doesn’t want to help her boyfriend.’

  ‘Huignerf heg a hay?’

  ‘No, I don’t understand it either.’

  Gutters shot me a look of disdain – which was rich, coming from someone who had a filthy half-smoked roach dangling in their hair at nine thirty in the morning. I sighed.

  ‘OK. Fine. You speak to Mr Big and I’ll get Josh to speak to Stephen.’ Josh’s date was coming up. He was looking paler every day, but seemed to have braced himself, so to speak.

  ‘Hey!’ yelled Chali. ‘World domination at last.’

  ‘Yes – so many bands get started in the high-dependency unit of St Hugh’s.’

  ‘Well, there was …’

  We thought for a while.

  ‘Dr Hook?’ I asked.

  ‘The Cardiacs,’ said Chali decisively.

  ‘You’re right.’

  ‘Well, book us then.’

  There was a crowd of people around Addison’s bed. I broke into a run immediately. Stephen grabbed my elbow before I got there.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ he said.

  ‘What are they doing, giving him the last rites?’

  ‘No, nothing like that. Candice Piper is here.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘You know – haven’t you seen Emergency Pets in Danger?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘You must have – it’s that game show where they take a pet who’s been ill and put them in a situation that requires the attention of the emergency services. For every minute the pet stays out of trouble, the owners double their money. It’s brilliant – everyone watches it.’

  ‘Not me.’

  ‘Huh. Anyway, she’s the presenter.’

  ‘What’s she doing here? Addison hasn’t got any pets. Well, he’s got an American pot-bellied pig.’

  ‘She’s come to talk to coma patients. It’s for their Christmas special.’

  ‘But it’s June!’

  ‘Yes, it gives them time to film someone waking up after Candice has spoken to them.’

  ‘Bleagh! Bleagh bleagh bleagh!’

  ‘It’s good publicity for the hospital.’

  ‘Hospitals don’t need publicity! If no one came, that would be a good thing!’

  ‘Well, anyway, that’s what’s going on. I’m just up to report back to the girls downstairs. They want to know what Candice is wearing.’

  ‘Is that her? The one in fuchsia?’

  ‘I know – divine, isn’t it? See ya, darling – oh, see if you can’t get into the shot. And, if you can, ask her which moisturizer she uses.’

  Candice was wearing skin-tight fuchsia just in case anyone within a forty-mile radius hadn’t immediately recognized her. She had an enormous blonde head and a minuscule, stick-like body – in fact, it was lucky she wasn’t wearing black and white, or you could have taken her for a Belisha beacon. She had so much make-up on she looked like she’d been airbrushed, and a low husky voice that sounded too big for her frame.

  I wandered slowly up to the group. Magda, Addison’s mother, was standing off to one side with a pale and worried expression. Kate was next to her – I’d forgotten it was Kate’s night on the rota.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ she hissed at me when I sidled up.

  ‘What do you mean, what am I doing here? I’m always here.’

  ‘Well, tonight’s your night for cooking and learning “Please Release Me” on the recorder.’

  ‘But of course I’m going to see Addison! What do you think I’m doing here – showing off?’

  Kate stared pointedly at the TV cameras and shrugged.

  ‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’

  I was furious. Kate really did think I was showing off. Candice didn’t seem too thrilled either. She was trying to have a conversation with Dr Hitler.

  ‘Can’t we just close his mouth? It would make him seem more asleep, more attractive.’

  ‘As his breathing tube is currently keeping him alive, I’m going to have to say no. We’re trying to make him better, not encourage anyone to adopt him,’ said Dr Hitler.

  ‘Just for a second or two, while we get the shots …? You know, like in America, where they just have those two little tubes going up the nostrils? That doesn’t look bad at all.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Go, Doctor Hitler!’ I muttered under my breath.

  ‘Well, I’m going to have to phone the producer,’ said Candice, bringing out her mobile phone.

  ‘I’ll have that, thank you,’ said the doctor, and whipped it off her. ‘It interferes with machines.’

  Candice’s face was a picture.

  ‘God, you’d think you lot were doing us a favour, letting cameras in here. Roger, get me a tall skinny latte, pronto.’

  She walked round to the side of the bed we were on.

  ‘Who are you?’ she demanded brusquely.

  ‘We’re his flatmates,’ said Kate before I could say anything.

  ‘And I’m his girlfriend,’ I added quickly.

  She looked me up and down. ‘Really?’

  I brushed a leaf off my dress. ‘Yes,’ I said defiantly. Kate was glaring at me.

  ‘Hmm. Lacking a bit in the personality stakes, is he? You know – Superbore?’

  Now it was Magda’s turn to look furious.

  ‘No!’ I said. ‘And what are you doing here anyway?’

  ‘Well … the show’s called Coma Alone, and it’s going out at Christmas. The idea is that I go and visit coma patients, and we really impart to the viewer what a very …’

  ‘Lonely?’

  ‘Lonely, that’s right. What a lonely position it is to be in. Especially at Christmas.’

  ‘But Addison’s not alone!’

  ‘Of course he isn’t.’

  ‘And I don’t think he’d notice if it were Christmas,’ murmured Kate.

  ‘Right. OK, I see. Now, would you mind just getting out of the way while we film?’

  Without waiting for an answer, Candice started clipping on a microphone, and a woman ran forward and began patting at her immaculate, robot-like hairdo.

  ‘Roger? Yes, OK, start it rolling, thank you.’

  That, as we found out, meant: Roger, forcibly push everyone out of the way and tell them to be quiet in a very loud voice designed to show that working in TV is a VERY IMPORTANT THING.

  We moved back and stood in the corner.

  ‘I had no idea this was happening, you know,’ I said to Kate. ‘I just wanted to see him.’

  ‘Here at St Hugh’s,’ Candice started, ‘lie the near corpse-like bodies of the unloved, the nearly dead and the unwanted at Christmas time.’

  ‘Well, why are you so pally with Stephen all of a sudden?’

  ‘With who?’

  ‘That nurse. Josh’s boyfriend.’

  Candice moved round, the camera still on her, and sat on the bed, picking up Addison’s hand.

  ‘Like beautiful statues they lie here, almost asleep, were it not for the many tubes coming out of their mouths.’

  ‘I wasn’t asked to be a beautiful statue,’ grumbled a voice behind me. I peered backwards. It was God.

  ‘Hey – you got Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci and he got Candice Piper – you’re winning, OK?’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘He isn’t Josh’s boyfriend,’ I said to Kate.

  ‘Well, he’s about to be.’

  ‘So what?’

  ‘So what? So why is Josh Mr Popular all of a sudden?’

  ‘Don’t you think he deserves it? He’s had a long enough dry spell. You’ve been edgy ever since he met
that backing singer.’

  ‘Edgy, who’s edgy?’

  ‘Who cares for these, these modern-day zombies? Well, today here with us we have Doctor Flowers, who has dedicated her life to the relief of those who can’t even say thank you.’

  Dr Flowers?

  Candice smiled tenderly at the camera. I growled under my breath. ‘Cut!’ said Roger. ‘That was great, darling.’

  She dropped Addison’s hand like a snake and jumped down off the bed.

  ‘You’ve just got to keep a professional attitude, that’s what I say. Now, where’s that bloody doctor? And for God’s sake, Make-up, can’t you at least get her to comb her hair?’

  ‘I’m here,’ said Dr Hitler – or Dr Flowers, as I supposed I should call her. She was flushed red. For the first time ever I felt sorry for her.

  ‘And I happen to think that what I do for a living is a little bit more important than make-up, don’t you?’

  Maybe I didn’t.

  ‘Suit yourself, dear,’ said Candice. ‘For some of us it’s professional pride, for others it’s …’

  ‘… being too busy saving lives?’

  They stood round the side of Addison’s bed glowering at each other. The big light went on again and Candice broke into an enormous glowing white grin.

  ‘So, Dr Flowers, thank you so much for having us here.’

  ‘Always a pleasure, Candice. Thanks for coming in. Anything you can do to help these kiddies will be great for St Hugh’s.’

  ‘Well, we’ll certainly try, Doc! So, anyway, what can you tell me about …’ She indicated Addison.

  ‘This young man. Well. Yes. I’m afraid he’s an object lesson to people planning on standing on high walls over hard things like stones – don’t do it!’

  ‘Right. And, you know, if there are kids watching at home, what would be your advice to them if they’re thinking about climbing on high walls?’

  ‘Ehm … don’t do it!’

  ‘Right. Or you could end up like him.’

  ‘Hey!’ I said.

  ‘Cut! Who the fuck was that?’

  ‘Just … you know, don’t treat my boyfriend like a piece of meat, OK?’

  ‘That’s how I treat all my boyfriends. Ha ha ha!’ laughed Candice.

  Roger came over and nudged her, and they had a quiet discussion for a second. Then Roger beckoned me over. I dragged my feet – if they were going to chuck me out, it wasn’t happening without a sulk – but he sat me down with his best ‘I may have an important job in TV but that doesn’t mean I don’t care’ face on.