Tragic Impulse

by Roman Shepp

  “Let's just stay focused on what we know now,” Tony said. Then he continued in a low voice, ”Besides, there's a chance we could stay here anyway. Captain Roberts told me he wants to get rid of Frank. Things could change around here. We just need to keep our heads down and wait for the opportunity.” He raised his voice again.

  “Then again, I think we can find a safer place, a real place to make home. I think that's what I want most of all in this world, a new home. I've been thinking about it a lot, and while I love being with you guys, I'm getting kind of sick and tired of all the traveling. It feels like I haven't had a chance to settle down at all.”

  “I know what you mean. We've been on the go for so long I don't think I've had a chance to even process what this all means,” Saeed said.

  In many ways he was afraid of that moment for he knew that as soon as the danger was over, and he was in a safe place, beginning a new life, thoughts of his old life would return. Saeed had made peace with the fact that he never would be truly happy. A part of him had died along with Nadya and Aaminah. The best he could hope for was a life without conflict, although at the moment even that seemed like a reach.

  Groot was barking again, and Saeed wished the dog would be quiet. Sometimes it was difficult to hear himself think. There had to be something on this map, some key that would unlock everything. Maybe it was just about looking at it from a different angle. Saeed turned his head this way and that, trying to see if a new perspective gave him any advantage.

  It did not.

  Groot continued barking. Finally, Tony turned to him to tell him to be quiet. The order stopped halfway through his mouth, though. Standing behind them were Martha and Belinda, looking directly at the map. Saeed looked in their eyes and saw the same haunted look of loss that he felt permeate his entire being. In that moment he understood them, before they even had opened their mouths to him.

  “What do you want?” Tony asked defensively, trying to block their view of the map. The two women were mysterious and had yet to reveal their agenda, although if Saeed's feeling was right, they wouldn't do any harm. They were just two more lost souls in the world, drifting along until they could be reunited with whoever it was they were separated from.

  Martha didn't respond to Tony's question, merely pushed past him and looked at the map more closely. When she did, a hand came up to her mouth and she stumbled back, caught by Belinda.

  “Where did you get this?” Martha asked in a trembling voice.

  Tony looked down at the map and back at her. Saeed only focused on her. That look of shock was damning. They had lost someone special to them. Saeed knew the pain that must have been spreading through their body. He wished he could say or do anything to make it hurt less, but there wasn't anything that could help. The only thing that could be done was to embrace the pain and let it sweep through. It would never go away, but in time they would get used to it.

  “We found it in a backpack not too far from here,” Tony said, and went on to describe the backpack. The women collapsed together in sobs, bemoaning the state of the world.

  “I knew it would happen. I knew it, but I just didn't want to believe it,” Martha said. Belinda was overcome with sadness and didn't appear to want to talk at all. Her eyes were bloodshot, but her mouth did open, and a hoarse whisper choked out.

  “We never should have let him leave.”

  “We had no choice,” Martha said, even though she didn't seem to believe her own words.

  “Who are you talking about? Who made this map?” Tony asked.

  Saeed and Jane led the women to a bed and sat them down. Phil pulled out some water, but they declined his offer. Tara stayed near Saeed, watching the women warily. Groot was sniffing around their feet, but they didn't seem to mind. Before they spoke again, Saeed had the presence of mind to close the door, just in case any unwanted eyes were peeking in. Then he returned to stand before them and listen to what they had to say. Once again Martha was the one who did the majority of the talking.

  “His name was Tom. He was...he was a good friend,” Martha said, shuddering. It was an effort for her to talk. Each word was punctuated with a halting breath. The two women held each other's hands tightly, gripping so hard that their skin turned white.

  “We always wondered why he left his backpack there,” Tony said. “We tried looking for him, but we didn't find him.”

  “No... I don't suppose you would. Not now anyway. I hoped that he would survive. I prayed every day that he would come back to us, but it's been too long,” Martha said.

  “What happened to him? Who was he?” Jane asked.

  Martha collected herself, wiping her eyes, and took a deep breath. “He was a friend, a good friend. He looked after us when we needed to be looked after. We were moving toward the city in the hope that there was something better for us when we were attacked. A man wearing a mask came at us. Tom told us both to run, that he would distract the man. We tried arguing with him, but we were so weak and scared we just did as we were told. We ran away. Tom ran in the other direction, leading the masked man away from us. We stumbled across this place, and one of the soldiers saw us. We tried telling him what was happening, but I think he thought we were making it up. Tom didn't have anyone to help him. The masked man must have killed him.”

  A hush fell over the room. Saeed remembered that masked man. The ferocity with which he attacked was akin to a wild animal. He was more beast than man, and woe betide anyone who came across him.

  “Do you know what the markings on the map mean?” Saeed asked softly. Since the group had moved, the women had a direct line of sight to the map. Both looked at it, but their eyes quickly darted away, afraid even to look at it. Martha shook her head vehemently, although it quickly became clear that was out of fear, because she knew what it was. She knew very well.

  “Don't go back there. We can't go back. The only thing waiting is death. It will spread, and it will spread quickly. The only safe place is here,” she said, and it was clear they were not going to get anything else out of her. Saeed looked at the women and then back at the map. He couldn't help but wonder what lay in the realm of skull.

  Chapter Five

  “So, what do you think about our new guests?” Rosa asked.

  She was stretched out on her bunk, hands behind her head, legs crossed. She looked up at the ceiling as she spoke. Steven was sitting on his bunk, reading, while Donald was playing solitaire, his foot anxiously tapping against the floor as it was wont to do.

  “They seem like good people. I liked Tony's speech. They could be what we've been waiting for,” Steven said.

  “I met Jane and the one-armed guy. They were friendly. Seems like they've been through a lot. They must be tough if they've made it this far,” Donald said.

  “Did they say anything about the outside?” Rosa asked.

  “Nothing good,” Donald said.

  “So, you think Frank has been lying to us?” Rosa said.

  “About our superiors coming back? Yes. But the chain of command still stands, as much as I wish it didn't in this case,” Steven said.

  Rosa shook her head. “You're way too devoted to that, Steven. If you want to make a change, then make it. You know that Frank won't be able to fight back if you take control. We all know that they're frauds, and the moment they get the chance they're going to sell us out. They're cowards, and I feel like a coward for following them.”

  “You know we can't do that. If we abandon the chain of command now, then we're no better than the thugs rioting in the streets. We must keep some semblance of sanity here, but we can do this the proper way, without any violence,” Steven said.

  “I've never met another soldier as opposed to violence as you are,” Rosa said.

  “I'm against unnecessary violence. From what Tony and the others have said the world outside is going crazy. I don't think there's much good we could do out there anyway, not just the three of us. We need to plan and take things step by step,” Steven said.


  “Makes you wonder what has happened to everyone else,” Donald said softly.

  Rosa had tried not to think about that ever since everything stopped working. Tried and failed, it was impossible not to think about those outside. Since they'd had no communication with the outside world they had been in the dark about everything. So there had been a slim hope that the people they loved were restoring order. Sadly, that did not seem to be the case, though.

  “I thought you'd be the first person to want to get out there and play hero,” Rosa said to Steven. He turned his head and glared at her.

  “I'm not a fool, Rosa. Any good soldier should know that you must choose your battles. The enemy out there isn't some army, they're just ordinary people. How are you supposed to fight that? The world is changing before our eyes. I just wish we weren't blind to it.”

  “Then let's leave,” Donald said, looking up from his cards.

  “I knew that was coming,” Rosa said under her breath, although Donald still heard it. He threw his cards down.

  “You'd feel the same if you had a child on the way! But no, I bet ice-cold Rosa hasn't even been in love before,” he yelled.

  “Stand down,” Steven said tersely. “Come on guys, I know we're getting cabin fever here, but let's not lose our cool. We're the best of the best, and we must keep acting like it.”

  “Sorry, sir,” Donald said. Rosa said the same thing, but with less gusto.

  “Donald, we've spoken about this before.”

  “I know, but it's so unfair.”

  “Welcome to life. You think it's really fair that I'm stuck down here with you two?”

  “Rosa,” Steven said in a warning tone.

  “It's not like you'd be the first soldier to miss the birth of his kid. Besides, how long do you really think you'd last out there? You have no idea what's waiting for you. The city has probably broken in two by now. You'd die on the way,” Rosa said.

  “Better than waiting here for nothing,” Donald muttered. Rosa shook her head. “And at least I have something waiting for me on the other side. What do you have, Rosa? You never speak about anyone special. Do you have anyone you care about in your life other than yourself?”

  “I have plenty,” Rosa said softly. “And the best thing we can do is to stay here and not rock the boat. We can't be of much help if we're dead, and I don't plan on losing my life by sticking my head above the trench.”

  “I sometimes wonder why you even joined the army in the first place,” Donald said with disgust. “You sound more like Frank than you do anything else.”

  Rosa pushed herself up and swung her legs over the bunk, her thick ponytail swinging over her shoulders. She glared at Donald. “How dare you say that! Let me tell you something about family. I joined the army to support mine. I had a mom who worked two jobs, a dad who was on disability, and young kids running around trying to get a decent education so they could have a chance at a better life. You know what I wanted to be? A doctor or a lawyer, but I couldn't go to college because we had too many bills to pay. So, I had to give up my dreams for the sake of my family, and then defend a country who always threatened to deport them. How do you think I felt being told that what I was doing was patriotic, and then being told that I really wasn't American anyway?

  “So, you can go on about your sweetheart and how you need to get back, but I've got a family out there too, and I know I'll probably never see them again. I had to leave to make sure they could have decent lives. Sometimes you miss out on things. That's just the way of life. Stop your whining and get on with things,” she said. Donald curled his hand into a fist, crumpling the last card he held.

  “Just because you're bitter doesn't mean you have to take it out on the rest of us,” Donald said.

  Steven stood up and held out his hands, trying to defuse the situation. “Guys, come on, we've been through this before. Nothing like this ever helps. I want to make a difference in the world, but we can't very well do that when we're bickering with each other. We've been trained better than this. If we're acting like this, imagine how civilians are acting. This is why we haven't been able to move against Frank yet. Until we can work together and trust each other fully we can't be anything other than individuals. We need to be a team.”

  “Yes, sir,” Rosa and Donald said in unison. Despite her rebellious streak Rosa didn't like getting into these fights. Yet, she had been born with her mother's temper and found it difficult to stop herself from flying off the handle. It didn't help that she barely had tasted fresh air recently.

  “Donald, I know that you're not going to miss the birth of your child. I won't let that happen. But when we put on this uniform we all made a choice to say that this country was more important than our lives. That still holds true, even if the country is tearing itself apart. Maybe that makes it more important than ever. This isn't easy for any of us, but I know that if we remember our training and stay true to our beliefs, we can make it through, and we can make the world a better place.”

  Donald held his head high, inspired by Steven's words. Rosa knew it wouldn't last. Donald was the kind of man who lived in the moment, swept up in his own moods. He was at the mercy of the whims of his emotions, and Rosa did not like that at all. She turned away from the two of them, somewhat ashamed that she had lied when she told them she had joined the army because she needed to support her family. The truth was she disliked weakness of any kind, and attachment to a family was a weakness. Her father had thrown her out of their home at a young age after she'd gone out with the wrong boy, and her mother had been too high to stop him. Rosa knew what it was to be alone. It was the only thing she did know. The army had promised a brotherhood, but even then, she had felt apart from those closest to her.

  “My wife is out there somewhere too, Don,” Steven said in a soft voice, trying to console the younger soldier. Rosa listened without turning over.

  “Isn't it killing you to be away from her?” Donald asked.

  “Hell yeah, but that's just part of the job. She knew when she married me. It was kinda funny really. Before we met she'd always sworn to herself she never would marry into the army life. Her dad was a soldier as well, you see, and she'd seen what her mother had been through. It was tough at the beginning. We almost didn't make it because she was so afraid something would happen, but I managed to convince her that it was worth it. I knew the risks too, but it was my duty. Still, I have to wonder how my dad and granddad would have handled this situation. I never thought I'd ever have to deal with anything such as this.”

  “I just hate being away, you know? My dad never was around when I was younger. Well, he was when he needed money. As soon as he got it, he was right back out there again. I promised myself that if I ever had a kid I'd never be like him.”

  “There's being away, and there's being away. Just because you aren't with him doesn't mean you don't love him or can’t be part of his life.”

  “I guess. I just hope my girl still believes that I'm out here alive. I want us to be together again.”

  “What about you, Rosa? Are you at all concerned about your children or parents safety?”

  Rosa listened to all they had to say about their families and tried to push down the bitterness she felt. “I'd rather just focus on getting through today, and then the next day, and then the next. I can't do anything to control the outside world, so I'm not even bothering to think about that just yet. My family can take care of themselves, and I can take care of me.”

  That was all she had to say about it, but the feelings inside weighed heavily on her heart. The only reason she'd joined the army was because it was the only job she could get that wasn't being a housekeeper.

  “The more we talk about it the more I miss her,” Donald said. “It's not even like I can video call her. The damn electronics are out.”

  “Here we go,” Rosa muttered, rolling her eyes.

  “I just want to know that she's safe. I need to know that she knows I'm here for her. I promised her I'd always
look after her, you know? I wanted her to know that I always was going to be there, but I've let her down. I keep feeling I should have left that first night when we knew everything was wrong. I know I may not have made it back but at least I'd be trying.”

  “You're doing the right thing, Don,” Steven said.

  Donald didn't seem convinced, though. Rosa had heard this too many times. Steven would try to talk Don down, Don would get himself all agitated, and then he would lash out at whoever was around him. Rosa wasn't even going to pay him any attention anymore. She kept her back to them and listened as Donald stood up and Steven grappled him back to the bed, talking him down.

  Rosa shook her head and pushed deeper into the pillow, wishing that things were different. There seemed to be no way out for her. Even if she left the bunker she'd be faced with whatever danger was left up there, and if she stayed she'd be cooped up with some broken politicians and these two soldier boys. Her mind drifted back to the last time she actually felt happy with her family, right before her father had thrown her out and her life had changed. Her ambitions never had been realized, and she'd been left to focus on a career she never wanted in the first place. She wore the uniform but didn't believe in the meaning of it like Steven and Don.

  The strange thing, the thing she couldn't understand, was that she still was wearing it. Despite everything she was saying, even though she didn't need to wear it any longer. The end of the world had come, and nothing meant anything anymore. The army wasn't even a thing, as much as Steven wanted it to be. It seemed to be only a matter of time before they all died, and Rosa wasn't going to be leaving anything behind.