SINS OF THY MOTHER 2

by Niki Jilvontae

  I will fear no evil: For Thou art with me;

  Thou rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

  Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;

  Thou annointest my head with oil: My cup runneth over.

  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

  And I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.”

  Echoed lightly from my lips as I leaned my head against the car window, watching the world pass me by while I was led to hell.

  I recited that prayer along with our Salvation Song over and over again as Denise raged from the passenger seat and her new boyfriend snickered as he drove. I glanced over at Sha with tears in my eyes as he sat in the seat with his knees pulled up to his chest and his head tucked out of sight. I could see him shivering and his body flinch every time that Denise cursed from the front seat. I tried my best to drown her out as I turned back around and put my head back on the window; however it was too hard. I couldn’t help but to listen to the venom that poured out of her mouth as I wished I was anywhere but in that car—even dead.

  “Yea, but lil bitch I got yo funky ass now. Y’all hoes left my house like y’all was some muthafucking G’s. Lil bitches sticking muthafuckas and robbing them in MY HOUSE ..MY FRIEND! I got something for your ass now though. I’ma get Terricka funky ass too, just watch I know where her and them lil pussies she call gang members hang. I’m going to get that lil bitch then both of y’all gonna pay ya fare ..like old times!” My mother said as I felt a sudden surge of nausea.

  I couldn’t believe she was suggesting that I sell my body for her drug habit again, knowing that I was pregnant. I would kill myself before I did something as stupid as that. Just the thought of doing something so foul made me dry heave as tears rolled down my cheeks.

  “She can’t hoe Denise, she pregnant. At least she can’t sell pussy. But I bet you can find something else for her to do.” My mother’s new boyfriend, whom she called Duck said as he peered at me in the rearview mirror.

  I rolled my eyes and mouthed the words, ‘Fuck You’ to him in the mirror as he snickered and flashed his crooked, gold smile. I couldn’t stand him from the second I laid eyes on his high yellow ass with that nappy afro, those big pop eyes, freckles, and mouth full of gold teeth. He looked just like a dime store pimp who had lost all of his hoes in a card game, tired as fuck. I knew that he would only add to my trouble from that first second we met because as soon as he laid eyes on me he looked me up and down, undressing me with his eyes as he sucked his teeth. I knew right then that he was just like my mother and every other man I had met besides Jerrod, an inflictor of pain. He proved that as he laughed at me in the mirror before licking his tongue out, just as Denise exploded.

  “YEAAAHHHHHHH, that’s right. She did say the lil hoe pregnant, didn’t she? Whose baby is it, Tisha? Do you even know bitch? I knew it would be you out fucking for free and getting caught up with a baby. Sensitive little naïve ass bitch, HOE YOU MAKE ME SICK!! I swear I should have swallowed or spit that night I conceived yo dumb ass. Worthless bitch! You and that fucking retarded mute all balled up back there, two NOTHING MUTHAFUCKAS. The robots told me long ago to get rid of you bitches and I didn’t want to do it because the checks be coming right on time. But, now I’m like fuck it… I should. You ain’t gone be shit anyway are you, Tisha? So what you finished high school early with the help of the foster bitch. ANNDDD, what you gonna do with it? Not a damn thang! You ain’t gonna do shit but layup with lil niggas for free, like that Jerrod nigga. Oh, yeah you didn’t think I knew about him did you?” My mama asked as I turned to look at her with tears all over my face as she smiled.

  “Yea, I know about the lil bastard and I also know he in the gang with Terricka. I can’t prove it, but I know he did something to Jerome too because he didn’t just disappear. Y’all lil muthafuckas didn’t get over on me. I’ma get him, but in the meantime tell me who the fuck yo baby daddy is SHARTISHA!” My mother yelled as she unbuckled her seatbelt and turned around in her seat facing me.

  My heart raced like a herd of wild horses as I thought about how I should answer the question that the lunatic staring me down from the front seat was asking. I knew that honesty was supposed to set you free; however, with my mother’s delusions were like sunsets; constant and they appeared at different times every day. In my mother’s world, truth had no place and it was never welcomed. Telling my mother a truth she didn’t want to hear was like spitting in her face, a violation which was punishable by severe pain. Just thinking about the ass kicking I’d get if I told my mother that the baby growing inside of me was in fact Jerrod’s baby and we were getting married, made me shiver.

  I looked up and met my mother’s gaze as she stared at me with more hate, anger, and ill intentions I knew were possible. I couldn’t even look at her long as her eyes penetrated my soul and made me feel a chill deep in my bones. I turned back to stare out of the window, laying my head against it again as tears fell from my eyes and my mind reeled. I wished at that moment that I could morph my brother and myself out of that car and to a parallel world where Denise didn’t exist. I wished that my entire life was a dream, a long ass nightmare I had to see through until the end in order to get back to my real life. I wished and went over a dozen scenarios in my mind as I sat there with my head on the window, gazing out at the world as Denise huffed like a dragon behind me.

  I knew that I didn’t have long to ignore her before she would react though, so I tried to think of something to say that would satisfy the bipolar beast breathing like an obese dragon in the front seat. I closed my eyes, trying to think as I swallowed down the lump in my throat, hoping Denise would grow tired of waiting and move the fuck on. If I had any type of luck that would have happened. However, like countess times before, luck never visited the Lewis kids so it shouldn’t have been surprised me when suddenly I felt a blow to the back of my head. The unexpected punch was so hard it made my head bounce off of the window and then slam back against it with so much force that my nose bust on impact.

  Blood splattered all over the window, splashing back in my face as I cried out in pain before grabbing my nose. Denise was on me in a flash, grabbing me up in the back of my hair with one hand and choking me with the other as Sha screamed and clawed at her face. I tried to squirm out of her grip as she held me in my hair firmly, choking me tightly while whispering threats in my ear. However, no matter how much I struggled my weak, defeated, pregnant teenager strength was nothing compared to her possessed, bipolar, psychotic, and drugged out, lunatic strength. All I could do was try to reach out to push my brother back as I felt the air slowly leave my body and everything begin to go dim.

  Sha screamed my name as I felt my body go limp in my seat. I peered through my blurred vision to see his worried, tear streaked face just before Denise released my throat, back-handing him so hard that he bounced off the door and slumped down to the floor. I gasped for air while trying to call Sha’s name as what I saw began to sink in. Seeing my little brother hurt while trying to defend me ignited a rage in me similar to Denise’s, a rage I never knew possible. In an instant that insane rage consumed me, causing sweet little Tisha to step out of character. Before my mother turned to wrap her hand back around my throat. I had jumped with the shit, turning the tables on her evil ass for the first time. It was like my body was moving on its own because the next thing I knew my thumbs were in her eyes as I pressed down as hard as I could, just like Jerrod had taught me.

  I tried to dig the beast’s eyes out of their sockets as she yelled out in agony and pure shock while punching me in the head with her free hand. Although, I was being punched in the head and jerked around mercilessly by my hair at that moment, I still felt a slight sense of victory for finally being able to give Denise some of the same pain she dished out right back. My victory was the shortest one in history though because before I knew it those blows to the head she was delivering with precision, had become too much. I blacked out in
the backseat of the car as my mother continued to yank my hair and pound me in the head. The last things that I heard were the worried cries of Sha as he cowered on the floorboard and the shrill laughter of the lunatic’s boyfriend as he taunted me from the driver’s seat. After that all that was left was darkness and that same prayer echoing in my mind as I drifted; free of hurt and all pain.

  The strong smell of alcohol and the low hum of a distressed air conditioner woke me up some time later. I opened my eyes and tried to focus on the things around me to figure out where I was, but the pain in my head and back was so excruciating all I could do was cry out for help. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back on the bed of nails I was on as my body began to shake and shiver from all I had been through. In less than 24 hours I had went through some of the most horrible events of my life, yet something inside of me was saying that I still hadn’t seen the worst yet. I went from finding out where my loved lived, only to go there and find him missing. If that wasn’t bad enough, I went back home to my happy world to find Denise there waiting for me. Like a black cloud or cancer out of remission, Denise was always right there when we were our happiest, ready to break us right back down.

  Like always my life was nothing but a tragedy, a sad story in which I was forced to suffer the sins of my mother. The only difference this time was the fact that I had to face it all alone. I didn’t have my sister right by my side like I always did. There was no Terricka to take some of the punches for me or to offer her shoulder to lean on. No, I was alone and forced to be Sha’s protector as well as my own. The only problem was that in my condition I couldn’t protect anyone. All that I could do was lay there on that raggedy metal cot and cry as flashes of my bleak life flashed before my eyes. I tried to imagine the silver lining in my situation like I used to do when I was younger but as I squinted my eyes to see through the darkness, realizing I was in a room not much bigger than closet, I knew that there was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Hell, from the looks of the jail I was locked in I couldn’t even imagine there being a rainbow. Like my life, there was nothing but rain, hail, and storm clouds everywhere.

  I looked down, peering through the darkness to see that I was laying on a dirty, thin mattress that had exposed springs poking through it that were pressing into my back. The rusty metal pierced my skin, causing the excruciating pain I felt when I first opened my eyes. I tried again to lift my aching, battered body up off the cot I was on, but as soon as I lifted my head again everything began to spin. Sudden waves of nausea and shivers took over me as I cried out for help in the darkness, hoping someone would come to save me.

  “Help me… Help ME. SOMEBODY….Please help me!” I cried as the door to the room I was in suddenly opened, letting in the bright light from the hall.

  I used my arm to shield my eyes from the light as I tried to see who had come into the room. I didn’t have to wonder who had entered long though because before I could open my mouth to ask who it was, the shrill, insane laughter of my mother off her meds filled the air, causing the hair on my arms to stand up.

  “Ahhhhh, yea I’m back, Tisha. I’m back and I’m still with the shit. Now lil wanch are you gonna tell me what the fuck I wonna know? Who yo baby daddy, SHARTISHA? The robots said it’s Jerome’s or is it my boyfriend Chuck’s? I know he was creeping with you or your hoeish sister. Bet you stupid bitches didn’t get no money. You got something though, didn’t you? WHO’S BABY IS IT, SHARTISHA?” My mother yelled from the doorway as I finally adjusted my eyes enough to see her.

  I quickly wished I wasn’t able to see my nasty, demented, crack whore of a mother as she stood in the doorway with a dingy pink lace panty and bra set on with a cigarette hanging from her mouth. She looked like a fucking sadistic clown with her hair matted to her head, big pink circles of rouge on her cheeks, with bright red lipstick smeared all over her lips while dangling a long, thick leather belt which was wrapped around her hand. She had the most deranged look I’d ever seen in her eyes as she deeply inhaled the cigarette and blew circles with the smoke as she walked towards the bed.

  I flinched and tried to scoot back on the bed away from my mother as she laughed and continued to walk closer. However, the more I scooted, the more the raggedy, rusted metal dug into my back, ripping my flesh. I screamed out in agony as I flipped my body over on to my side, sliding my back up against the wall. I could feel the thick, warm blood as it poured from my wounds and trickled across my back, wrapping around my side as I watched my mother with wide, tear-filled eyes walk to the foot of the bed. I held my breath and prayed the imminent torture would be over quickly; however, I knew that I could never get off that easy. From the deranged look in my mother’s eyes, I knew that my torture would be long, and hard, just like my life in her house.

  I continued to hold my breath while staring intensely at the cigarette in Denise’s hand as she puffed it long and hard, causing the fire on the end to become bright red and pointy. She held the cigarette between her thumb and index finger, rolling it from side-to-side as she smirked at me and sucked her teeth. All that I could do was lay there and watch her in terror as my heart beat in my throat and she began her new rampage.

  “Lil bitch you just going to lay there like you don’t hear me asking you a damn question. You acting like I won’t beat yo ass into a coma again. ANSWER MY DAMN QUESTION SHARTISHA! You think you got welts all over yo ass now, don’t answer me and I’ll bust yo shit wide open. You hear me bitch?” Denise screamed at me like the psychopath she was as I trembled.

  I tried to shake my head yes to let my mother know that I understood what she was saying, but every muscle inside of me felt stiff, almost catatonic as I laid there anticipating the worse. The worse is exactly what I got too, as Denise stuck the pointy, red hot fire from the cigarette into the bottom of my right foot. The searing pain from the fire shot through my body like electricity, causing me to scream out for mercy.

  “PLEASE MAMA, PLEASE. I’LL TELL YOU…I’LL TELL YOU!” I screamed as Denise stuck the cigarette to the bottom of my left foot just for kicks as she began laughing.

  I was able to pull my legs up to my stomach, wrapping my burned feet in the covers as Denise taunted me, still waiting on her answer.

  “That shit hurt, didn’t it lil bitch? Tell me then and this will all be over. Is it the Jerrod nigga’s? If it is, he needs to pay what the fuck he weigh or I’m getting his ass locked up again. I know he grown as fuck so either he gonna pay me for y’all lil bastard child or he gonna go his pedophile ass to jail. It’s y’all choice. Now tell me the truth, Shartisha!” My mother demanded as she rushed around to the side of the bed, pulling me to her by my hair as I screamed from the pain surging through my body.

  I tried to think of the perfect person to frame and break my mother’s fucking heart with as I punched at her and tried to unwrap her hands out of my hair. At that moment I was in an anger induced trance, consumed by my thoughts of revenge...vengeance. I was able to drown out my mother’s curses and block her blows as I thought about who I could name that would hurt her the worse. I knew that there was no man my mother really cared about other than the dope man, and her secret married lover Renaldo, a retired Marine who smoked crack and fucked my mother whenever he was on leave and in the hood slumming. She was his project jump-off he used to escape the real world and live out his sick fantasies with. He would buy thousands of dollars’ worth of drugs and alcohol whenever he was in town from Florida and him and my mother would have a wild, week-long party in which anything could happen.

  Once, when I was 10 years old, I walked in on my mother fucking him from the back with a big, pink strap on dick as he moaned and squealed like a pig with a black leather mask over his face, and muzzle in his mouth. The whole sick ass scene looked like something straight off a sadistic flick and made me puke up all the noodles I had just eaten. That was one of the first times I realized my mother truly loved the vulgar, disrespectful man who gave her the money to support her habits while treating her like an ani
mal. When he saw me staring at them that day with wide, scared eyes, he demanded she fuck him harder before telling her to call me into the room. I remember trying to run, but being caught by my mother as she jumped up to chase after me with the pink, glossy penis strapped to her waist bobbing in the air.

  I screamed and clawed for my life as my mother drug me back into the room and threw me on the bed in front of him. I blocked out most of what happened that day, but what I do remember is he gave my mother an ultimatum to either watch him touch and fondle me or he would leave forever. Needless to say, that was a day I buried in the back of my mind with all of the other travesties. The only thing that’s still fresh is the vision of my mother’s face as she cried and begged Renaldo to stay, telling him how much she loved him and would do whatever he asked. I had never seen my mother be a slave to anyone or anything other than drugs up until that point. However, after seeing her crawl for the half black, half Cuban prick she called Papi, I knew that he was her weakness. He would also be the perfect person I could use to get a little revenge.

  I swallowed down the lump in my throat and tried to stop the butterflies from fluttering madly in my heart as I weighed out my options. After a few seconds of thinking as Denise continued to hold me in my hair and curse in my face, I blurted out the words that made my mother’s heart stop and gave her a quick glimpse in the mirror. She froze in her tracks while still cursing as she stared at me, the enraged, carbon copy of herself.

  “IT WAS YO NIGGA BITCH…RENALDO. RENALDO MY BABY DADDY, DENISE, AND HE SAID WE GETTING MARRIED AND HE GONNA BE A GREAT FATHER. HE LOVES ME YOU CRAZY, UGLY BITCH, NOT YOU. I WIN!!” I yelled to the top of my lungs, spewing the vicious words out of my mouth like venom.