The second those words left my mouth I knew that I had fucked up because my mother instantly released my hair and became silent. I looked up into her face as I scooted back to the wall and held my hands out in front of me. I expected the lunatic, who abused me all of my life, to jump on top of me like a spider monkey when she heard those words, but she didn’t to my surprise. Instead of going in and beating me like the normal her would do, my mother simply turned around and left the room, locking the door behind her.
As soon as the door closed and I heard the lock turn, I finally released the breath I had been holding the entire time. Tears streamed down my face as I rubbed my belly and prayed that God would see me and my baby through. I wished that I could have Jerrod there with me; protecting me and telling me that everything would be okay. I needed him, I needed someone, anyone, but no one was there as I looked around my prison. I laid there for hours praying and crying, hoping that my pain would soon end. I laid there lost in my pain until I could see the sunset in the small window next to the door. As darkness crept up all around me and the bleakness of my situation began to set in, I opened my mouth and did the only thing I knew to do when I could do nothing else. I started to sing. I sang a song from my heart, all alone and helpless I sang a song of strength that I hoped would see me through.
“You may try to break me down,
But never count me out.
Despite all of the pain you cause,
I will never ever doubt.
The fact that I am blessed,
And my life deserves a chance.
So I’m stepping out on faith,
Putting my life in the Most High’s hands.
I forgive you for it all,
But I will never ever forget.
All the things you put me through,
But still I live with no regrets.
What don’t kill you makes you stronger,
I lived through hell and I’m still holding on.
So just listen to my message,
As I pour my heart out in this song.
All I want is endless hope,
And someone to help me please.
So I’m praying and I’m begging,
I’m down on bended knees.
When will my pain end?
Who can save a cursed soul?
Can you look into my eyes?
And see the pain and secrets that they hold.
Because I am..
I am Strength
I am.. Strong willed
I am Determined
With a faith you can’t kill.
I am a cursed child but all of that can change,
So don’t you count me out,
Just remember my name…
I AM STRENGTH!!!”
I sang from my heart as my tears soaked my pillow and I rocked myself to sleep. I drifted off with images of me and Jerrod happily ever after dancing in my head.
Chapter 3
I woke up to the rough tug of someone pulling on my arm as I quickly opened my eyes and looked directly into Denise’s enraged face. I tried to call out to her and beg for her forgiveness, but there was something hard in my mouth, pressing down on my tongue and preventing me from speaking without some pain. Panic began to rise up from my stomach into my throat as I looked down to see that I had been stripped down to my panties and bra and that both of my legs and my left arm were already tied to the bed. Denise pressed down hard on the bend of my right arm like she was trying to snap it in half before she yanked it once again, popping my shoulder out of place.
My hysterical screams filled the air as Denise laughed and continued tying my arm to the bed post. The pain in my shoulder was so overwhelming I could barely catch my breath. I felt the muscles in my shoulder tear and rip as Denise tied the electrical cord around my wrist as tight as she could. My mother had such an intense, hateful look on her face as she secured me to the bed, I had to look away. I glanced over to the side to look at myself in the small, dirty mirror over the dresser on the opposite wall as the bed, and I saw that the hard thing in my mouth was some type of muzzle. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I stared at my filthy, battered body tied up and muzzled like an animal, covered in blood, tears, and filled with fear. I was like a sitting duck; helpless and unable to defend myself against the beast who birthed me.
Tears rolled down the side of my face fast and hard as I looked back at my mother unraveling the extension cord in her hand as water dripped off of it on to the floor. I gasped when I saw the stream coming off the cord and droplets of water disappear into the carpet. I knew that I was staring at one of my mother’s new ways to torture me and break me until I did her will. I knew that cord represented severe pain and I wouldn’t be able to escape it. I could do nothing as I lay there with wide eyes tied to the bed with a muzzle in my mouth. I could do nothing but hope that my mother would have mercy enough not to kill my baby. I pleaded with her using my eyes for a second, and for a moment she showed something that resembled compassion, or the ability to be human. I couldn’t believe it as she leaned over and pulled the muzzle out of my mouth so that I could speak.
“Please mama…Please Stop! I didn’t mean it. This baby isn’t Renaldo’s, I promise. Please mama. I don’t know whose it is. Just like you said I’m a stupid little hoe and I don’t know who my baby daddy is. Please don’t make my baby suffer for my sins though mama. Please!” I cried hysterically as my mother began to wind the extension cord around her hand, preparing to exact her revenge.
I could see nothing but malice and the need to make me feel pain in her eyes as she smirked at me and circled the bed, holding her arm with the extension cord in it high over her head. She flinched at me a few times like she was going to strike as she laughed and paced the floor, and every time she did it my heart raced and I felt like I would pass out. I could see satisfaction in my mother’s eyes as she watched my tears soak the back of my hair and my body tremble from fear. She was feeding off of my trepidation, gaining more energy to be evil. I knew that I had to fight the panic inside of me and not show her my pain. I knew that was the only way it would end quickly, so I sucked up my tears. I held my breath as Denise put the muzzle back in my mouth while cursing me out. She screamed and raged for a few seconds, trying to build up fear in me before delivering the first of 40 lashes that she would give me.
“Don’t kill yo baby, huh? Is it Renaldo’s baby then bitch? Huh? Is it?” My mother screamed so loudly I felt my ears pop along with the searing pain from the extension cord cutting through the flesh on my thighs as she lashed me like a slave owner.
I swallowed down my screams, biting down on the muzzle, and blowing out my breath as Denise sliced me again in the same spot. I was in real mental warfare as I fought the natural instincts inside of me to yell and scream. I was able to fight it though as tears rolled down my cheeks but no sounds came from my mouth. The only noise I made was when I firmly answered Denise’s question while biting the muzzle. I gave her none of the satisfaction she gained from my pain and fear as I stared at that evil bitch without whimpering or showing any signs of giving in.
“No, don’t kill my fucking baby and hell no this is not Renaldo’s baby.” I yelled to my mother in a distorted voice, biting down on the muzzle between words as she put her face so close to mine I could see up her nostrils.
I tried to control the rage building inside of me as I stared my tormentor in her eyes, and she snarled like a demented beast. My mother hissed and spit in my face through clenched teeth as I held my breath and fought the rage steadily building inside of me.
“Naw bitch, I ain’t gonna kill yo baby. Duck and the robots convinced me that letting you keep the baby is best. That baby equals another check in my eyes so it WILL stay alive. However, you are gonna do what I say. If I bring a muthafucka in here for a hand job or to get his dick sucked, yo ass is gonna do it. I don’t wonna hear shit about it either, Tisha. You buck bitch and Sha will get his ass beat right now. Do you understand me? You owe me, Tisha. I don’t know
if I believe you about Renaldo or not, but I’m gonna continue to beat that ass until I feel better.” My mother said as she continued to strike me all over my arms, legs, chest, and shoulders with the wet extension cord.
A few of the slices from the extension cord my mother was swinging wildly like a psychopath hit me across the stomach, causing me to yelp out in pain despite my stern resolve to remain silent. I couldn’t fight that natural reaction to show pain and try to defend myself as I tugged against the cords while crying, trying to break free. My mother continued to laugh in her eerie, deranged cackle as she leaned back in close to my face and laughed at my pain. Tears flooded my eyes clouding my vision as I stared at the distorted face of the person I hated the most. She taunted me with her words, stirring up my vexation to the point where I was about to explode.
“Hurts don’t it wanch? That’s what you get you little rotten bitch. You know what, Tisha? I wish you were never born. I couldn’t stand your bitch ass father and you turned out to be a big piece of nothing just like him. All of you muthafuckas have. I gave up everything to have you bitches and y’all have brought me nothing but grief. That’s okay though. You about to pay me back for the money I lost while y’all was kicking it with the fucking Brady Bunch. Yeah bitch, you gonna pay me back or I’m gonna beat that little mute next door until he has no choice but to scream and let me hear his voice.” My mother threatened me, still so lose to my face that the spit flying from her mouth landed in my eye.
I shook and growled like a pit bull while biting down on the muzzle and staring into my mother’s glossy eyes. Her words made the hate in me push forward breaking through the fortress I had around my emotions. Tears streamed down my face as the words she spat out of her mouth like poison penetrated my heart.
“Now what you gonna do, Tisha? The quicker you realize I run this shit and you WILL do what I say the better off you will be. When yo funky ass turn 18 you can go, but Sha and possibly the baby will stay with me. If it’s a girl maybe I can get some good work out of her too.” My mother said laughing as I took all of the anger and pain I had inside and used it to head butt her sick ass right in the face.
The impact of my hard ass head hitting my mother square in her nose caused it to bust on impact. Blood splattered everywhere as my mother yelled out in pain and I broke out into hysterical laughter. I cursed my mother and told her how much I hated her through my muffled, muzzled voice while watching her as she held her bloody face in her hands. I felt victorious for a second as my mother cowered over to the side of the bed and I continued to laugh at her pain. It felt good to fight back. It felt damn good to finally stand up for myself and not be my mama’s personal victim anymore. I was tired of it, and even if it meant she would beat me and my baby to death right then, at least we wouldn’t have to be with her. I was willing to be anywhere other than where I was at that moment.
After what seemed to be five minutes, my mother suddenly popped up into a standing position like a possessed jack in the box. I flinched when she turned around quickly and rushed into me swinging the extension cord again and hitting me wherever it landed. For about four minutes straight my mother beat me mercilessly everywhere that she could as I cried and gasped for air. I blacked out several times throughout the entire ordeal and every time that I opened my eyes I was met by either a slice from the extension cord or a slap to the face. One time I woke up to the a sharp sting in my right leg followed by a deep, bone scraping pain as Denise began rubbing salt into the wounds on my legs she left behind. The pain was so overwhelming I blacked out again as my mother whispered in my ear how much she hated me.
I woke up several times after that as she continued to curse me out before sitting beside me on the bed smoking meth from a big, cloudy glass pipe. The smoke she blew out was thick, white, and stifling as I gasped for air through my pain. I cried for my mother to help me and asked about Sha several times when I woke up, but each time she either laughed or continued to get high while sitting next to my bleeding, battered body like I wasn’t even there. She burned me on my legs and arms with her meth pipe a few times before I let the exhaustion and pure delirium the pain brought, suck me into a coma-like sleep. I welcomed the relief that the darkness brought, only then could I escape the pain. I dreamed about Jerrod and I living happily ever after with our baby far away from Denise as my blood stained the sheets and thin mattress I laid on.
The sound of someone breathing heavily and the feeling of being watched were the first things I noticed when I opened my eyes the next morning. It was April the third and I had been locked in the dungeon my mother prepared for me for two whole days with no water or food, and nowhere to relieve myself. The smell of urine was strong in the room as I had been forced to pee on myself or hold it and harm my baby. Lack of food had made it easy for me to hold my bowels up until then, but as I stared at the sick face of my mother’s rapist boyfriend, Duck, I wondered would it continue to be easy. I felt my stomach do flips as I glanced through the fog and saw him sitting on the bed next to me rubbing himself. At that moment I suddenly felt like I couldn’t hold my bowels anymore.
I looked down and noticed that my mother had removed the muzzle from my mouth while I was unconscious so I quickly parted my lips and prepared to scream for my life as the creepy fucker sitting next to me began to trace my inner thigh with his fingertips. I tried my hardest to scream but no matter how much I strained and pushed, barely any sound came out of my mouth. My throat was so dry and I had cried so much for so long, nothing would come out no matter how hard I tried. Crocodile tears ran down the side of my head as I begged Duck to leave me alone and he laughed while continuing to move his hand farther up my leg.
“Please leave me alone. I’m pregnant. Please don’t touch me and disrespect my baby.” I begged as my head began to spin and everything became blurry.
It was like everything was a dream or I had suddenly gotten extremely high as I looked up at the creep with blurry vision as he smiled that sneaky, crooked gold smile and leaned in to whisper in my ear while untying my right hand. My arm hit the bed hard due to my dislocated shoulder and I screamed out in agony, drowning out Duck’s words as I screamed for him to help me before blacking out again. When I came to Duck had popped my shoulder back into place and had my hand on his dick as he moaned and rubbed my titty while whispering in my ear.
“See princess I can help you if you let me. I can make it all stop believe me. If you are nice to me, I’ll be nice to you. All you gotta do is play ball. I just need you to play with my asshole a little and lick my chest. That’s it. That’s not much to ask a person who will save you a lot of pain. Is it?” The fucking pervert in front of me asked as he stuck his slimy, wet tongue into my ear.
Nausea crept up on me fast and hard as I suddenly turned directly into Duck’s face and puked out the only food I had in my stomach, which I had eaten two days before. Vomit spewed all over that bastard as he jumped up and began pacing in a circle while cursing. I just knew that he was going to beat me too and that I would lose my baby for sure after I saw him tremble while wiping vomit out of his eyes. However, when he suddenly started laughing I knew that he was a special kind of crazy I would regret ever laying eyes on. I trembled in a level of fear not even my mother could produce in me as I watched Duck turn around to face me. He had a deranged look in his eyes as he wiped a chunk of throw up off his face and licked it off of his finger. I threw up again after seeing him do some disgusting shit like that and I prayed that everything that was happening was a dream.
The room began to spin again as Duck walked back over to me and straddled my body. I could feel his breath on my neck as my vision began to get blurry and dimmer. The last thing that I felt was the weight of Duck’s body on top of mine and his tongue on my neck followed by the sound of his heavy breathing in my ear. After that I was gone again, enveloped in darkness, free from my torture.
“Get yo ass up, Tisha!” My mother yelled, startling me out of my pain-induced coma some time later that afternoon
.
Pain surged up and down my body as I opened my eyes and looked at my mother in her purple tights and purple and white Polo shirt. She appeared to be semi-sober and possibly on her meds, or at least a milder drug at the moment because her voice was so calm and rationale. I squinted my eyes and hid them from the light Denise flicked on as she walked over to the cot to release my left arm and legs. She paid no attention to the fact that one of my right arm was already untied, but I did as I remembered the flashes I had between black outs. I wondered was I dreaming or was it true that Duck had come into the room to mess with me when I was unconscious. I knew that my suspicions were true when my mother finally untied both of my legs, placing them on the floor while pulling me into a sitting positon and my bra fell off.
That was proof to me that Duck was indeed in the room and had offered me protection in return for sexual favors. It should have been clear to my mother too if she cared or was a sane person, but she wasn’t so she simply fastened my bra back up while whispering in my ear.
“Now don’t think because I’m gonna let you get up, clean you up, and give you some food I’m going soft or some shit. I still can’t stand yo funky ass but I know we got some meetings coming up soon and I need you to look yo best. Don’t get it twisted though bitch, you still owe me and you will pay…one way or another, Tisha. Now, you can go out here, take shower, and I’ll tend to yo wounds so they won’t get infected. After that you can clean up and then find you something to eat. I’m going out for a while. When I get back, I want you and Sha out of fucking sight and this house clean. Do you understand?” My mother asked me as she stood back to look me in the eyes so that I would know she was serious.
SINS OF THY MOTHER 2 Page 3