I bit my bottom lip and shook my head up and down, fighting back my anger and tears as I made sure my mother knew that I understood her.
“Now, I have the robots watching you so don’t think you slick and try to runaway like you and yo funky ass sister good for. It’s no use running because I’ll always find y’all. I’m gonna get her bald headed ass too just watch and see and she will get it worse than you. Now be the little pussy, Tisha, you have always been and do what the fuck I say or else.” My mother demanded as she yanked me up off the bed by my hands.
The pain in my stomach and legs was unbearable as I wobbled forward. I had to grab on to the raggedy furniture in the room in order to make it to the door safely as my mother’s evil ass pushed me along from the back.
“Hurry the fuck up, Tisha. I don’t have all day.” My mother yelled from behind me as I tried to walk faster, but the pain in my stomach caused me to slump over and shuffle my feet when I walked.
When I made it to the door of the room, I was held in my mother swung it open revealing the hallway and I almost died from the pure filth before me. The crème colored walls of the hallway were stained with fingerprints, burn marks, and dirt and there was piles of trash, cigarette butts, and drug wrappers everywhere. Although Denise had moved out of the run-down apartment in Breezy Point we grew up in while we were in foster care, she had done no better moving into the filthy almost condemned, 3-bedroom, rat infested hell hole she was now in. I saw cracks in the ceilings, mold on the walls, and roaches crawling everywhere as I shuffled my sore, pregnant body down the hall passed the piles of trash stacked to the celling.
“This door right here.” Denise yelled at me as we approached a door at the end of the hall on the left.
When my mother opened the door, the foul stench of human fecal matter hit my nose with such fury I thought I would pass out. I had to turn around and suck in some fresh air before allowing her to push me forward into the filthy bathroom. The white tile floor was black in the cracks and had hair, trash, and dirt all over it. The ring in the bath tub was so black, and thick I thought to myself how no amount of bleach and hard work could ever get it out. I felt my stomach churn as I continued to scan the filthy space and Denise stood behind me sucking her teeth.
“Uhh hmmm, uppity now, huh? What it’s too nasty in here for you, Princess Tisha? Well, too bad bitch. If you don’t like it do something about it. As a matter of fact that’s what you gonna do. Since you think you can refuse paying me back, you will pay me back in work until I know you’re ready. And YOU WILL BE READY. Now, take those fucking clothes off and get in the shower.” Denise yelled, pushing me up against the tub.
I quickly peeled my bra and panties off as tears rolled down my face and I stepped into the tub. I felt like puking or better yet dying when my feet touched the soggy, slimy, bacteria filled bath mat inside of the tub. I stood there trembling rubbing the welts on my slightly protruding belly as Denise cut the hot water in the shower on in full force. I could tell from the smirk on her face that she expected me to scream out in pain, but I welcomed the soothing feel the hot water had on my wounds as I closed my eyes and embodied the relief. Denise spoiled my serene moment by slapping me across the face with a hand towel before handing me some Dial antibacterial soap. I took the items from her before rolling my eyes as she laughed and stepped back.
“You really think you scare me when you look like that don’t you, Tisha? Well, you don’t bitch. Don’t NOBODY put fear in me, especially not a pussy like you. Now, wash them wounds so I can spray this shit on them to help them heal and then get the fuck out of here. Remember what I said though bitch. The robots watching you for me.” My mother said as she twitched and then looked around at the corners of the bathroom ceiling like she really had cameras.
I shook my head in disgust as I washed myself the best that I could and then rinsed off. When I stepped out of the tub, I watched as my mother’s eyes washed over my body and she sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes. I saw a hint of jealousy as my mother looked at my young, firm body, which was a body she once had but would never get again with all of the poison she pumped into herself. No, my mother’s beautiful days were long gone and that was part of the reason she hated and resented me and my sister Terricka so much. We were everything beautiful and loving she could never be again.
A smirk spread across my face as I thought about my mother being jealous of me and she sprayed the wounds all over my body with an antibacterial, pain spray. The smell of the medicine was strong and overpowering; however, it offered instant relief from the deep cuts and welts on my skin, soothing the burning sensation and cutting the stench in the room.
“Put this on and hurry the fuck up.” My mother yelled as she handed me a long, black, cotton gown with the words Free Yourself written across the front. I thought that was ironic as I pulled the gown over my head and pulled it down, wiping away my tears with the musky, stiff fabric.
“Okay let’s go.” My mother said as she grabbed my arm and escorted me out of the bathroom, back down the hall, and into the living room.
I stopped in the doorway as soon as I saw Duck sitting on the couch in the corner, surrounded by mountains of trash and clothes. The living room in this new apartment was even filthier than that one in our old apartment, which was something I never thought was possible. I rolled my eyes at Duck as I scanned the room looking at all of the beer bottles and cans, condom wrappers, Newport packs, and pizza boxes all over the floor. I couldn’t believe that the courts had approved somewhere so fucked up for us to live, but obviously they had because we’re there. Once again we were in hell with Satan’s daughter and we had to deal with it. I watched Denise as she slipped on some dirty flip flops that were by the door and prepared to leave before turning to me again.
“Remember what I said, Tisha. They watching.” My mother said as she opened the door to leave and Duck started laughing.
I looked at him and rolled my eyes again before turning to my mother and calling her name.
“Denise. Where is Sha? Let me see him PLEASE.” I begged my mother as she froze halfway out the door with her back turned.
For a second I thought she was going to at least answer me, but when her laugh began to echo in the air I knew that wasn’t going to happen. My mother walked out of the house and slammed the door behind her, leaving me standing there looking stupid with a sick pedophile cackling like a hyena behind me. Before I knew it tears began to stream down my face as my body shook uncontrollably. I couldn’t control my emotions as I thought about the horrible things my mother may have done to my brother. I couldn’t understand why she just wouldn’t let me see him if he was okay, so I assumed that meant he was hurt bad or maybe worse, he was dead. I sobbed and wobbled on my feet as I turned back to Duck and pleaded with him to tell me where my brother was.
“Please, I know you hate me too, but please tell me where my brother is. Let me see him.” I begged Duck as I slowly watched a glimmer of compassion build in his eyes.
I continued to cry and beg through slurred speech as I watched him put his Newport out and get up from the couch to come over to me. Part of me expected him to hit me or to do something perverse when he made it to me; however, he didn’t. When Duck made it over to me, he simply wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into an embrace. Despite the evil I could see inside of him too, that single act of kindness showed me that he was at least a little better than my mother. At least he could show some compassion. I allowed Duck to keep his arm around my shoulder as he led me back down the hall right passed the room I was in to the closet next door. I felt my heart fall into my feet when he stopped me in front of the door, unlocking it and swinging it open revealing a small, very dark room.
I glanced at the inside of the open door when it was completely ajar and I noticed small scratch marks and blood towards the bottom before stepping forward inside. I called out Sha’s name in the darkness of the closet and waited for him to say something back. After a second or two and no respo
nse, I stepped further inside as Duck hit the light switch in the hall illuminating the darkness inside. When I was able to adjust my eyes to the bright light in the closet and look down into the far right corner, I was totally shocked and taken aback by what I saw. What I saw inside of that closet was a horrific sight I would probably never forget. It was a sight that would help solidify the hate I felt for my mother and give me the strength to slay that dragon once and for all.
Chapter 4
Sorrow, regret, and guilt hit me all at once as I fell to my knees beside my battered and bloody brother, pulling his limp body up into my lap. Tears fell from my eyes and I cried my heart out as my brother, Sha coughed and moaned in my arms. I could barely stop my tears from flowing or hardly stand to even look at my brother’s bruised, bloody, and swollen face as he moaned my name. I tried to suck up my tears and hide the terrified look on my face as Sha peered up at me through sad, swollen eyes, but my heart ached for the pain I knew he was in. All I could do was cry and tell him how much I loved him and that things would be okay.
I noticed that welts, cuts, bruises, and burns were all over my brother from head to toe as I sucked up my sadness and inspected his body. It appeared that after I passed out from the beating I received, Denise went to take her anger out on Sha. She beat him with the same extension cord that had cut through my skin and caused me excruciating pain. I couldn’t believe the amount of hate and inhumanity my mother was capable of as I glared at the burn in the shape of a cross on Sha’s right foot while he shook in my arms.
“Tisha, it hurts. I didn’t do nothing. She just came in the living room and grabbed me. I hate her, I hate her so much. I heard you screaming too. I tried to get out but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get out the door to help you, Tisha.” Sha cried hysterically as I pulled him close in my arms and kissed his head.
My tears fell fast and hard as they ran down my face, on to my brother’s forehead, and mingled with his.
“Shhhh Sha. It’s gonna be okay. I love you little brother and I will protect you.” I said through my tears as I stroked his cheek with my hand and prayed that God would hear our cries.
I cried and rocked back and forth holding my brother for a few minutes as I hummed the words to our salvation song and he clung on to me for dear life. During that time I thought about all of the pain my mother had put us through and how something better had to be around the corner. Although I had already been through some of the worse things imaginable, deep down inside I still believed that trouble didn’t last forever. Somewhere inside of me beneath the anguish and turmoil was the old naïve, Tisha who believed in happy endings. She had to be there, she was the light. I needed the light to balance the darkness because without it I would drown.
“Come on Sha. I got you.” I said to my brother after crying all I could cry, drying my tears, and gathering the courage to move on like I always did.
I picked Sha’s frail, battered, 80 pound body up off the floor and carried him out of the coffin he was left to die in, despite the pain in my stomach, back, and head. I carried my brother to the room I was in and laid him on the bed before hurrying off to the bathroom. Once inside I rambled through the filth on the floor and counter until I found some of the items I needed to clean Sha’s wounds and reduce his pain. I washed out and filled an empty ice cream container with water before grabbing the first aid items I found, and scurrying back to the room.
When I got back inside the room, Sha laid on the bed still and quiet like he was trying to melt into the mattress. For a second I thought he was dead as I inched closer with the bowl in my hand, dripping water on the floor while my heart beat in my throat. I gasped and then exhaled in relief when I got close enough to touch Sha and he suddenly turned his head looking at me. I smiled through the anxiety, fear, and sadness I felt inside as I sat the water down on the floor and began working on the wounds on my brother’s back and legs.
Both Sha and I remained quiet as I cleaned the cuts and welts on his cocoa skin with alcohol and put Neosporin on them. Not a sound could be heard in the room until suddenly someone behind us smacked their lips and the smell of cigarette smoke filled the already musky air. I turned my head slightly to the left and looked out of the corner of my eye to see Duck standing there sucking on a Newport, looking like a fish while dangling a beer in the other hand. I rolled my eyes at him before turning back to my brother and continuing to work on his wounds.
“Don’t be so evil, Ms. Tisha. Remember, Duck is your friend. You help me and I’ll help you princess. I know y’all in hella pain. I can give you something that will help ease that pain, even safely in your condition. Hell, I can make it stop all together. All you gotta do is be nice. Remember that.” Duck said as he laughed before puckering an air kiss to me while winking his eye.
I glared in his direction with so much hate I think it kind of scared him because he quickly stepped back with his hands in the air like he was surrendering. I watched him through hateful eyes as he turned to walk down the hall with that creepy ass laugh trailing behind him. Once he was out of sight and I could no longer hear the laugh that made my stomach quiver echoing in my ears, I went back to tending to Sha.
I tried to be as gentle as I could while dressing Sha’s wounds, but it seemed that no matter how softly I touched him it hurt. He moaned and grunted the entire time I worked on him, but he didn’t cry. I think he had cried out all of his tears and all that he had left was the grunts and moans that were coming out of his mouth. Just knowing that my baby brother was internalizing so much pain was devastating to me. However, despite the anguish churning inside as I put burn ointment on the walnut shaped burn near my brother’s groin, I pushed through it. Crying internal tears while maintaining a brave face on the outside, I dressed all of Sha’s wounds and made him comfortable in the concrete-like bed.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes Sha. You just lay here and rest, okay?” Everything is going to be okay, I promise. I will protect you. I’m going to get food for you and I’ll be back.” I said to Sha as he grabbed my arm.
He looked at me with sorrow and pain emanating from his soul as I looked back with mirrored eyes. I hated that we shared a bond built on anguish; however, it was a bond so deep nothing or no one could break it. I loved my brother more than I loved myself and I was willing to give myself to keep him safe. I was willing to take all of the pain Denise had to give and anything Duck’s sick ass could think up if that meant Sha was safe and I didn’t have to be a human semen receptacle like my mama wanted. I would do whatever it took to protect the ones I loved, I just wished more people felt that way about me.
I kissed Sha’s hand before releasing my shirt from his grip as he laid there with a pained look in his eyes staring at me. I could tell there was something on his mind that he really wanted to say and I was prepared to listen to him, or at least I thought I was. However, I wasn’t ready for what came next. What Sha said next cut down to my soul and made it even more imperative in my mind that I get him out of Denise’s house.
“Tisha, do you think there’s really a heaven? And if there is a heaven and a God up there will he let me in when I die? I ask you that because I don’t think God hears our prayers. He can’t T, because I ask for help every day and every day mama is still there to hurt us. If there is a God, being with him would be the best place to be, wouldn’t it? Well, that’s where I wonna go then Tish. I just wonna die and go someplace no one can hurt me. I know mama won’t be in heaven so that’s where I wonna go.” Sha said to me as I watched the pain in his eyes grow.
I rushed back over to my brother’s side and grabbed his hand in mine as I laid my head on his chest and cried for the innocent, little boy he once was. It broke my heart to hear my 10 year old brother contemplate death and want to be anywhere our mother wasn’t, even if that was dead. I knew that feeling though, which is why I could do nothing but cry as Sha wrapped his bruised and battered arms around my shoulders and comforted me. For a second he was the protector, and in that moment, in his arm
s I felt safe.
“Sha, there is a God, but you won’t see him anytime soon. We just gotta be strong, we’ll get through this like we always do. Now, please rest Sha. I’ll get you something for the pain, just try to sleep.” I said as my tears ran down my brother’s chest and I attempted to get my shit together.
I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hands, grinding out my tears and sadness as I thought about what I had to do. I knew that I had to endure whatever was thrown my way until it was time to go. I knew that moving hastily could cost me dearly in the end so I had to plan our escape just right. In the meantime, I would do most of what I was told and try to keep Sha the fuck away from my mother’s crazy ass as much as possible. I was way more concerned with his safety than my own and for the first time I saw that deep fear in his eyes too. The concern and fear I saw in Sha’s eyes as I released his embrace and held my shoulders up high, was somehow different than any fear and hate that burned there before. I channeled my strength, pulling myself together as Sha looked at me with an eerie, almost serene expression on his face. It was like he knew something I didn’t, like he knew change was coming.
SINS OF THY MOTHER 2 Page 4