My heart raced in my chest as I watched my mother walk into the room hitting the ruler in the palm of her hand as the 2 inch heels of her orthopedic shoes clacked on the hardwood floor. The sound of my mother’s laugh and the clack of her shoes made my flesh crawl like someone scratching a chalkboard as I backed into the wall at the foot of the bed, keeping my eye on my brother cowered down at the head of the bed near the door. I tried hard to swallow down the fear and huge lump in my throat as I watched my mother motion for the young pervert to come to her.
“Oh come here Joshua what happened to you.” My mother asked the creep in a calm, motherly almost saintly voice as she inspected his wounds.
I watched as my mother kissed each one of his gashes and then ran her fingers through his hair as she hummed. My mind reeled as I watched the creep quiver and whimper at my mother’s warm touch which quickly turned perverse as she French kissed him while grabbing his crouch. I quickly looked away and glanced over to see my brother tucked into a perfect little ball, almost under the head of the bed. I wished at that second that I could curl up into a ball and become invisible just like Sha as I glanced back over at my mother to see her glaring at me. Her expression was so eerily calm it took me completely by surprise as I looked into her glossy eyes and she once again tried to persuade me into doing what she wanted.
“Now Tisha, I told you we were going to have a discussion. Didn’t I? I told you that you would have to pull your weight. Didn’t I?” My mother asked me as she walked closer to me, so close that I could feel the spit as it flew off of her lips.
I felt my body tremble slightly as my mother put her face so close to mine I could smell the alcohol, heroin, cocaine, and everything else she had consumed coming out of her pores. I made my body stiff and looked straight ahead as my mother stared into my eyes with an insane look and shoulder bumped me, trying to use intimidation. She was trying the scare tactics she had used all of my life. The only difference was that shit wasn’t working anymore. I wasn’t the same weak, naive, vulnerable victim I had been all of my life.
Gone were the days I was just going to sit by idly and let her torture me. What my mother didn’t know was that I had someone growing inside of me I was willing to fight for and that made me way more dangerous than her. I just had to be pushed to it. I glared back at my mother with so much anger she had to blink and look away for a second before continuing her rant. Even with Denise yelling, cursing, and spitting in my face though, I still looked her dead in the eyes and held on to my stick, keeping her back away from me.
“So, tell me why the fuck are you not in here sucking and rubbing Joshua into ecstasy? I made it easier on you, Tisha. Don’t embarrass me in front of clients. Do what you are told?” My mother whispered to me in a calm, but cold voice through clenched teeth.
I astonished myself as I shook my head no and stretched my arms out, suddenly pushing my mother in her chest keeping her away from me. My impromptu act of bravery took her totally by surprise too because it was written all over her face as she smacked her lips and rolled her head. The devious, vengeful look in my mother’s eyes as she stepped up to me again, bumping my shoulder as I bumped her back, let me know that I was in for a hell of a fight. However, the way I stood firm and mean mugged my mother, giving her just as much hate as she gave out, let her know that I would not be an easy target. It was like the clash of the titans as we both stared each other down, breathing hard, and emitting fumes of anger and hate. My mother was the first to break our stare off as she laughed before leaning in to whisper to me.
“You’ll be sorry for embarrassing me like this little bitch. I’ve told you before, I RUN THIS! You ain’t got yo sister around to help no more bitch so it’s all on you. You will do what I say or else, Tisha. Mark my words. Be ready for war when I get back bitch!” My mother said in my face through clenched teeth before laughing hysterically.
I covered my ears with my hands to block out the sound of her voice as I watched her wave Joshua out of the room before she turned back to me.
“Go wait on me in the other room, Joshua, I’ll take care of you and give you a discount for Tisha in the future. Just wait on me in there.” My mother said as Joshua smiled at her while rubbing his hands together like a greedy crook.
I looked away when he glared at me and smirked on his way out of the door. As soon as Joshua stepped into the hallway, I looked back in my mother’s direction as she stepped towards the door. As my mother stepped into the hallway, she suddenly dashed back into the room and over towards the bed, grabbing Sha up in his collar. She grabbed him and drug him out into the hallway so fast, closing the door and locking it behind her, I didn’t even have a chance to move my feet. By the time I made it to the door and began banging on it with my stick I could hear Sha screaming followed by the sound of him being thrown in the closet and the door slamming shut behind him.
“Let him go you bitch. I hate you Denise you rotten ass monster!” I yelled to the top of my lungs as I beat on the door with all of my might.
I felt my anger rise even more as my mother laughed at my rage from the other side of the door, taunting me like she always did.
“Shut the fuck up, Shartisha! You brought this shit on yourself and your mute ass brother. If you would have only done what the fuck I said we wouldn’t be going through this. But NOOOO, you tough, so suffer for a while bitch. When I come back though, Tisha, it’s on! One way or the other bitch. Don’t believe me just watch.” My mother said before she walked away with her wicked ass laugh trailing behind her.
I shook off the anger and twinge of fear her laugh brought as worry about Sha began to take over me. I couldn’t help but to freak out as I suddenly realized he was completely quiet.
“SHA ARE YOU ALRIGHT?” I screamed hysterically as I beat on the wall next to the vent, waiting on Sha to answer me.
After a few seconds, I could hear my brother breathing hard next to the vent before speaking up to comfort my fears.
“I’m okay, Tisha. All she did was punch me in the mouth. I’ve gotten those since I was about one so that’s nothing. You just have to calm down. Think about the baby, Tisha. We’re good for now and maybe Fat will find Terricka and she’ll come. We just have to keep from crashing out until then, Tish. Okay?” Sha said to me as I cried, groaned, and raged, beating and pushing on the wall trying to take all of my frustrations out on it.
I was so consumed by my emotions at that moment I barley saw or heard anything around me. However, when I remembered and really thought about what Sha had just said, I couldn’t do anything but laugh through my tears after hearing such wisdom coming from someone so young. I knew that Sha was right. I knew that in such a situation the sensible thing would be for me to just hold on and keep my cool. However, what I didn’t tell Sha was how I could feel something bad coming. I didn’t tell him how I saw death in my dreams and how I knew the only way I could protect us all was by fighting. I couldn’t tell Sha why I had to do whatever it took to get him out, I just had to do it and that’s exactly what I planned on doing.
“Okay little brother. I’ll go to sleep but you do the same, promise me.” I said to my brother as I wiped away my tears before leaning my head on the wall next to the vent.
I could hear Sha sucking up his tears and laying down on the floor as I pressed my face closer to the wall.
“Okay Tisha, I will. Love you big sister, always. Without you I don’t know what I would do. That’s why no matter what I will always love you, look out for you, and never leave your side. No Matter what! Goodnight Tish.” Sha said as tears just poured out of my eyes like faucets with no warning.
I had to hold my mouth to force back my cries as I felt my brother’s love pour through the 8 inches of plaster that separated us. I kissed the wall and told Sha how much I loved him back, sending just as much love back through the thin sheetrock.
“I love you to the moon and back little brother. Just like uncle Scooby used to tell me. My love for you has no limits just like that and
don’t you ever forget that Sha. Now go to sleep pumpkin head because our better days are coming.” I said to my brother through the vent as I stepped away from the wall and walked over to look at myself in the mirror over the small dresser.
I looked like I aged five years in five days as I glared at the stress lines all over my face while wiping away my tears.
“Better days are coming, one way or another. Maybe I’ll have to slay a fucking dragon or two in order to get to my happily ever after. Oh well, fuck those dragons. I deserve happiness, so I’ll be ready for whatever when the time comes. Yeah, I’m ready Denise. Fuck it, it’s me or you!” I said to myself as I sat my stick on the dresser and laid on the concrete like bed, staring up at the ceiling thinking about the battle to come.
Chapter 7
For five days following my face off with the creep and Denise I prepared physically and mentally for an epic battle. I heard Denise leave the house that first day and didn’t return so with Duck nowhere in sight Sha and I were locked in our separate prisons all alone. I spent that first day and the next, crying and talking to my brother through the vent as he complained about being hungry. I understood the hunger pains he complained of and the headaches that were constant and often overpowering. By day three, April 23rd, all of the sadness and fear I had developed from the lack of food and worry over what would happen to us was totally replaced with the anger I had before. I paced the floor going over kill moves in my mind as I swung my stick wildly in the air.
“No more, sitting duck, cry baby, pussy bullshit, I’m sick of it. Denise think she got me spooked but she got me fucked up. Ain’t no hoe in my blood, she should know that. I guess it’s time I show her. I’M GETTING US OUT OF HERE SHA. I PROMISE!!” I screamed as something shiny poking from behind the raggedy dresser caught my eye.
I listened for Sha’s response as I scurried over to the dresser and ripped the long piece of metal that helped to hold the mirror to the bottom of the dresser off. The thick, cold piece of steel was barely hanging on so it was easy for me to snatch it off, turning it in my hands trying to get a feel of it. The piece of metal had some good weight and a nice length on it, which made it the perfect weapon to smack someone with and get the fuck back in time to strike again. I knew that it would be a very useful tool if I had to face my mother drugged out to the max and mad; however, I still wasn’t confident it was enough.
I knew that if my mother was mad enough and on enough drugs she could fight a fucking polar bear. Hell, once when I was eight I saw her fight three mall security guards while she was off her meds and high on a three day crack binge. She was like the Incredible Hulk on their asses throwing them and shit. They say cocaine is a powerful drug and from the way it made my mother a fucking psychotic, savage I knew that shit was true and that I needed more. That’s why my next thought was to sharpen the pointy end of the metal on the concrete windowsill as I waited on my fate.
As I ran the pointy edge of the metal along the concrete windowsill forming a sharp side, and pointy edge, I imagined a bloody, gruesome battle with my mother in which I lost my baby and my own life. I saw everything go down and although I lost in the end I took Denise’s evil ass with me and accomplished my goal of ensuring that both my brother and sister were free.
In my mind I saw them walk away in the sunset, hand-in-hand so I felt at peace in that moment even if that meant I had to die. At least my baby and I would be together away from all of the pain. I figured we didn’t have Jerrod anyway, so why hold on. Thoughts of him laying somewhere dead had crossed my mind so often I had to remember his smile, his smell, and his touch to drown it out. I didn’t want to live without him so giving up to save my siblings seemed like the best thing to do.
I smiled as I imagined Jerrod’s handsome face and felt his arms wrapped around me, cradling the tiny piece of us growing inside of me. It felt so real as his love filled me with warmth and I suddenly felt tears streaming down my face. I wiped away the tears that were falling from my eyes as Sha spoke abruptly and shook me out of my sudden sadness.
“I wonna get out of here as much as you do, Tisha, but I don’t wonna lose you to do it. I know you’re tired. I know you’re fed up with all this bullshit, but one thing I know is it can’t last forever. Something has to give. Let’s just stay strong together big sis. I love you, Tisha. Sing me that song I heard you working on yesterday.” Sha said as I suddenly stopped sharpening the metal and looked toward the vent.
I was surprised because I didn’t think he heard me singing my heart out through my tears in the middle of the night. I didn’t think anyone heard me talking to God, crying out for help, and channeling my sister’s defiant strength. That night I wrote a song for both of us taking on both personalities and both roles. For a moment I was both Tisha and Terricka, or wind and fire, as my uncle Scooby would say. I sang and rapped all of my pain out and gained the strength I needed to turn that sadness into anger. That song helped to transform me into the Tisha, who was willing to fight for what she believed in. That song was my new muse.
“Sing the song, Tisha..Please!” Sha said as I sat the metal down and walked over to the vent, putting my back on the wall and sliding down to the floor.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat as I stared up at the ceiling, visualizing my words in the form of flashes of scenes from my life. I saw all of the pain my sister, brother, and I went through, but I also saw those who loved and helped us along the way. Imagining the loving faces of Mrs. Cunningham, The Robinson’s, Jerrod, and his mother, and even Lisa, although she had abandoned us because of the sins of our mother like everyone else, helped me to push through my emotions to sing the song. I was able to slow my breathing and stop my heart from racing long enough to visualize the words to the song as my brother encouraged me from behind the wall.
“Take your time and sing it, Tisha.” My brother said, encouraging me as I swallowed hard and channeled my sister’s strength again.
I could feel that Terricka fire in my stomach, pushing me to say what was on my mind and in my heart regardless of who liked it.
“Let that shit out lil sis, fuck how it turn out!” I could hear my big sister’s voice ringing in my ears.
For a second it felt as if Terricka was right there with me and we were back in the bed with blood in our panties, crying our eyes out as we poured our emotions out in a song. I could feel my sister’s love and resilience inside of me and hear my brother’s confidence through the wall. Suddenly, my emotions burst forward and the rap to the song I wrote just came flowing out of me without warning. My voice was so strong, confident, and firm, I almost didn’t recognize it myself as I took on Terricka’s part.
“People telling me that hard times can’t last forever,
But I wonder how they’d feel if shit never got better.
I wonder just how they’d survive if day after day they felt pain,
Bet they’d crash the fuck out, blow their brains out, cause we ain’t the same.
I’m slowly realizing the fact that I was built for this shit,
My mama might be a psycho junky but she ain’t raise no bitch.
I’m a shooter beneath the sadness, a beast on the loose,
Cause I’m sick and tired of the anguish and the fucking abuse.
It’s time to flip this shit and click, unleash what’s brewing inside,
See I’m hunting for all of my demons and there’s nowhere to hide.
The day of reckoning has come and facing my wrath no one wins,
No more passing off your burdens, answer for yo own sins!”
I rapped with so much emotion I didn’t even realize that I was crying until I felt the warm tears as they fell down the front of my shirt. I quickly wiped them away with the back of my hand before swallowing down that lingering sadness and replacing it with strength. When I began singing the chorus to the song, my voice came out even stronger and clearer as I gained the additional strength I needed to face the evil to come.
“See I got my crosses,
I can’t carry yours no more,
(No More)
I got my life to live and it’s worth fight for.
I spent so many years fighting a battle I couldn’t win,
But that shit’s over, I’m giving you back the burden of yo sins!”
I sang as I felt a level of fortitude I never knew that I had, grow inside of me. I felt like I could conquer the world as the words to the song echoed in my ears. I pulled myself up off the floor and pressed my head against the vent as Sha expressed his feelings about the song to me.
“Tisha, maine that was hot. I felt that sis. I felt like you and Terricka were in there together like old times and I was in my room, locked away from mama with my ear to the wall listening. I’m happy you have your music to get you through, Tisha. And I’m glad that I have you.” Sha said as I felt tears well up in my eyes.
SINS OF THY MOTHER 2 Page 7