Finding Home

by Carolyne Aarsen

  “I sure couldn’t. But I still enjoyed it when we could get out here.” She turned her gaze back to Jess, drawing in a huge, relaxing breath. “This is fantastic. I feel guilty for leaving Brittany with your mom, but at the same time it’s so wonderful to be out here.”

  Jess threaded his fingers through her hair, lightly caressing the back of her neck. “I’m glad you could come. I was hoping we’d have some time to get away. Just the two of us.” His voice held an intimate tone and Naomi couldn’t stop a shiver of anticipation at the thought of her and Jess by themselves.

  She tipped her head back and let the wind flow over her, lift her hair and tease it away from her face.

  “The air smells different up here,” she murmured. “Cleaner, brisker, fresher.”

  “That’s only because you’ve been cooped up in the house for so long.”

  “I’m also happy your mother offered to stay with Brittany.” Naomi’s voice grew serious. “It shows that she’s willing to acknowledge something of a relationship with her.”

  “Never my mother’s forte,” Jess said.

  Naomi wasn’t surprised to hear the faint bitterness in Jess’s voice. The first time they were dating, his mother was around as often as Jess’s father—not much.

  “At least she’s trying.”

  Jess nodded, then turned back to Naomi. “How about we don’t talk about my mother right now? How about we simply enjoy being together alone?”

  “Okay, I can do that,” she said. Then Jess wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. The silence between them seemed peaceful and comfortable and Naomi was content to simply be with this man.

  “I have to tell you, I am impressed with what you’re doing on the windows,” Jess finally said. “They’re going to be amazing.”

  “Of course they aren’t turning out exactly like I had in my mind when I first planned them, but so far I’m reasonably happy with them.” Naomi followed Jess’s lead, realizing they also needed ordinary time together.

  If things were going anywhere with them, that is.

  Don’t go too far ahead, she reminded herself, settling into the space Jess’s arm made for her against his side. You are here, outside on this beautiful day that was like a blessing.

  Don’t look too far ahead.

  Those words had been her mantra when she was taking care of Billy. She’d had to repeat them to herself so many times. And now, here she was, back in Jess’s arms.

  And where was that going?

  Don’t look too far ahead.

  “I’m glad you have a chance to do what you love,” Jess said, his fingers tracing the curve of her shoulder. “Do you think you’ll do more?”

  Naomi shrugged, wondering, as well. “Maybe once I get these windows done people who come to your house will be so impressed I’ll get some more commissions.”

  “Maybe,” Jess said with a light chuckle. “Though I don’t have as broad a social life as I used to. But you could do a few pieces on spec. Display them at the art show they have every month at the old train station.”

  Naomi’s heart fluttered at the thought of working with glass beyond this project. While she was designing the windows, other ideas had come to her and she had to remind herself to stay focused on her current project.

  “I remember you saying exactly the same thing when we were...when we were dating.”

  “And you didn’t do anything about it then, so maybe you’ll follow my advice this time.”

  She gave him a wistful smile. “You seem to be more enthusiastic and supportive about my stained-glass work than I’ve been.”

  “You look pretty enthusiastic yourself,” Jess teased brushing a quick kiss over her forehead. “When I see you cutting and grinding and holding up those pieces to the light, it’s like you’re lit up from the inside, you look so happy. When I see what you can do with glass, I think you’re wasting your talent by not doing anything with it.”

  Naomi felt a glow deep within her. A glow she hadn’t felt in years. “I don’t know if I can make a living doing it and right now I still have bills that need to be paid. And after Brittany has her baby, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing.”

  “Maybe this not knowing what you’ll be doing is God’s way of giving you a chance for you to follow through on all those dreams you used to talk about?”

  His question created a gentle warmth in her soul. “You didn’t use to talk about God much,” she said quietly. “What made you change?”

  Jess shrugged and rocked to make the chair swing. “Life. Reality. You used to talk about God and I’ll admit, I didn’t believe much in Him. Not with the way my dad treated me. Couldn’t imagine God as Father when my own dad was...the way he was. But you said something that made me think. That God compares Himself to many things. You said something about Jesus talking to the people of Jerusalem, how He would have wanted to gather them as a hen gathers her chicks. Made me see God in a different light.” He was quiet a moment, his fingers gripping Naomi’s shoulder a bit harder. “I still struggle with the whole Father thing, but I think I’m getting somewhere.”

  “I’m so thankful,” Naomi said, leaning back into him. Then the chair made another swing and Jess reached up to lift the bar that held them in.

  “Not yet,” Naomi said, fear twisting her stomach as Jess removed the barrier between her and the void that yawned below them. “It’s too soon.”

  The top of the hill was still thirty yards away and their chair was swinging even more as they approached.

  “You’re okay,” Jess said, “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  “But—”

  Jess squeezed her shoulder. “Don’t you think it’s kind of exciting to be sitting here, free, with nothing in front of us?”

  Naomi clutched his arm. “Hailey used to do that all the time, too, but I never felt as excited about it as she did. I always had to resist the urge to jump.”

  She could feel the rumble of his laughter in his chest. “I wouldn’t let you do that to yourself. I’d stop you.”

  “Good to know,” Naomi said, slowly shifting herself so she was sitting on the edge of the seat, ready to get off when the chair hit the top of the hill.

  “The chair goes slower now than it does in the winter,” Jess warned her. “Because you can’t slide off on the snow, you have to step off—”

  But Jess was too late in his warning and as Naomi got off the chair, she stumbled, feeling disoriented at seeing grass beneath her feet rather than snow. She would have fallen but Jess caught her and lifted her away from the chair, then set her down a couple of feet past the lift.

  “You okay?” he asked, brushing her hair back from her face in a proprietary gesture.

  She nodded, feeling foolish. “Got kind of mixed up there. Thanks for coming to my rescue.”

  Jess laughed again. Then he turned to look over the valley. “Well, here we are. Which way do you want to go? Blue Run, Green Run, Double Black Diamond? Or take one of the other trails?”

  The wind lifted and tossed her hair as she looked down. Below them lay Rockyview, nestled like a tiny jewel in the valley, its streets and buildings like tiny lines and blocks.

  She lifted her eyes and looked across the valley. “Oh, look. The Shadow Woman is coming out.”

  Jess slipped his arm around her waist. “You could always see her before me,” he complained.

  “That’s because I always knew where to look.” She leaned against him, sharing the moment, then looked down the run below them.

  Large rocks dotted the grass, which made her shiver. “I can’t believe we snowboarded over these,” she said. “If I had known they were there I wouldn’t have gone down those runs. Half the time I only did because Hailey pushed me to do it.”

  “You didn’t know and you went down those runs anyway and everything was fine,” Jess said, giving her another squeeze. “Sometimes it’s okay not to know what lays underneath.”

  Jess’s words pulled at Naomi’s own buried
memories and secrets.

  She had gotten used to pushing it aside. She had dealt with it and it didn’t need to come up. But since she and Jess started spending personal time together, it began hovering on the periphery of her mind, like a dark creature, feeding on her growing relationship with Jess.

  You have to tell him about the pregnancy. He has a right to know.

  Later. Later. The pain from that loss could still sear, but it wasn’t hers only to share.

  Her secret loomed large in her mind and would change much. Things were going so well between them. Better even than the first time they were together. She felt more right with him than she ever felt with Billy. She didn’t want anything to ruin that.

  For now she just wanted to be with Jess. To nurture their growing relationship. She hadn’t been this happy in years.

  Not since she dated Jess the first time.

  “Okay, let’s do this,” she said, pulling her hair back and twisting an elastic around it, feeling a need to push herself. To keep the secret at bay for a little longer. “Black Diamond it is.”

  “All right. Just remember, if things get hairy, I’m right beside you.”

  She gave him a quick smile, his comment underlined by his hand on her shoulder giving her a sense of being cared for. Something she hadn’t felt for years.

  Then she turned away and started walking.

  The sun was warm on her shoulders and the descent more difficult than she had counted on. Soon she was puffing and sweating, fighting momentary bouts of fear as they came upon an especially tricky traverse.

  But as the blood coursed through her veins and her heart began thumping in her chest, she felt more alive than she had in years.

  “Let’s go this way,” Jess said, pointing out a cut in the dark, looming fir trees that edged the run, seemingly unfazed by the workout.

  Naomi glanced from the open path below them to the trees. “Isn’t there a creek that goes through that patch of timber?” The path he wanted to take was out of bounds and although her risk-taking sister had occasionally ducked under the ropes that marked it off to check out the unbroken snow, Naomi, ever the good girl, had never dared.

  “Yeah. But we can easily cross it,” Jess said.

  She stifled her own misgivings, assured by the confidence in his voice, then turned and followed him. The trees enclosed them, towering above them, creating a cool respite from the warm sun. The path leveled out and it was easier going, but Naomi wasn’t fooled. She knew they still had to get to the bottom of the hill and it was a long way below them yet.

  As she followed Jess, her eyes on his back, Naomi let the peace of the forest surround her. And she and Jess were alone in this quiet.

  They went down and down, following the trail. Now and again Jess would point out a plant, a track made by an elk, a scratch in a tree made by a bear. Naomi tried not to think of animals lurking in the deep darkness of the forest, preferring to take her cue from Jess who sauntered along, whistling a tuneless song, unfazed by the prospect of wildlife around them.

  She was surprised, however, that she didn’t need to talk to Jess. She was content to simply be with him, spending time in God’s breathtaking creation.

  Naomi slowly relaxed and drew in a long, slow, breath sending up a prayer of thanks. She felt as if the boundaries of her life had fallen into pleasant places. And within those boundaries, she felt the stirrings of hope. Of love?

  She looked at Jess, who right at that moment, turned to her, his smile igniting a smoldering of attraction that had been growing between them.

  “Thirsty yet?” he asked, waiting as she came to join him.

  She nodded, lifting her ponytail off the back of her neck. Jess took that moment to bend over and drop a quick kiss on her lips.

  The kiss may have been given lightly, but the look he gave her was anything but. Then he blinked and took a step back, as if to give them space, then held up a finger. “Listen,” he said.

  Beneath the sighing of the wind through the trees above she heard the sound of running water.

  “We’re coming to the creek,” he said with a cheeky grin. “We’ll get a drink there.” She returned his smile, the hope she had been feeling earlier deepening.

  The trail took a sudden turn and through a break in the trees Naomi caught a glint of silver in the bright afternoon sun. Then they broke into an opening and Naomi came to a complete stop.

  The creek that Jess had been talking about was a raging torrent of water tumbling over rocks the size of her. Branches lay crisscrossed on parts of it. And beyond this surge of water she could see where the path continued.

  “People cross this?” she asked, aghast.

  Jess gave her a puzzled look. “Yeah, all the time.”

  She held her hands up and took a step back, shaking her head. “Not me.”

  “It’s not hard. Just follow me.”

  Jess strode on ahead, full of the same bold confidence that had always epitomized everything Jess did. He paused for only a couple of seconds as if to choose his footholds, then took a quick step and another, moving easily from wet rock to wet rock and then he was on the other side. “See?” he called out over the sound of the water. “It’s not hard.”

  “Beg to differ,” she called back. She looked at the water, then watched its path as it rushed and splashed down the hill. If she took one wrong step...

  She could already see herself stumbling, then falling headlong, down, down, head crashing against the rocks below.

  She tried to stop her runaway thoughts but couldn’t seem to stifle the vision of herself in a mangled heap a hundred feet down. She swallowed, then looked across at Jess who was waving her on. “You can do it.”

  Other pictures flashed through her mind from many years ago. Jess convincing her she could take his mountain bike down a steep hill. Jess calling for her to jump into the pool of water at the bottom of a set of falls.

  Jess had always pushed and prodded her to try something new. Something different.

  Her mind flashed back to Billy, persuading her to switch her art course to something safe. Solid. Secure.

  Like him.

  Naomi didn’t want to be like Billy.

  So she took a deep breath, sent up a frantic prayer and took her first step. She wavered a moment, fear choking her, but then she saw Jess, heard his encouraging words and she took another step, then another, following the path he took. Then she looked down.

  Dizziness and fear locked her steps. She was halfway across the creek and she couldn’t move. Couldn’t go ahead, couldn’t go back. She heard Jess over the roar of the water and the roar in her ears telling her to make one more step. Her heart fluttered wildly and she wanted to close her eyes, fear immobilizing her. Why did she listen to Jess?

  Why did she always listen to Jess?

  He’s been the cause of your greatest sorrow.

  The old words rose up from her fear, but then she heard Jess calling her again and she looked across the water to him. He was holding out his hand, coming toward her.

  She took a calming breath, took another step. But her foot slipped on the wet rock. She felt herself slipping.

  She was falling.

  Panic gripped her and then a strong, warm hand caught hers, pulled her up and she was standing upright, water splashing around her feet.

  “I’ll help you,” he said. She nodded, then, secured by his strong grip, she stepped on the next rock and then the next, following his quiet commands.

  Then, amazingly, she was on solid ground on the other side of the creek.

  He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close as her heart rate slowed.

  “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have made you do this,” he murmured.

  Naomi let him hold her a moment, just because she enjoyed the feeling of his strong arms protecting her, but then she pulled away, looking back at the river she had just come over.

  And then she laughed in pure joy. She had done it. Thanks to Jess, she had faced something she had
been afraid of and overcame it. Her heart had been racing, her mind babbling warnings, but she had done it.

  Her heart billowed and expanded and her blood sang through her veins. The air around her seemed charged with light and vitality.

  She hadn’t felt like this in years. Not since the last time she had taken a risk with Jess.

  “Are you okay?” Jess asked, tipping her chin up to look at him.

  She turned back to him, her laughter turning into a smile of exhilaration. “Jess Schroder, you could always do that to me,” she said, catching his face between her hands. “Make me petrified and then make me do something I would never ever do for anyone else.”

  She grinned, then pulled his head down to hers, planting a kiss on his mouth. “You rock my world,” she said.

  Jess laughed uneasily, then shook his head. “Well, I could say the same. When I saw you slip and almost fall, I thought this was it. I was so scared.”

  “I was scared, too. But then you helped me and I made it across.” She drew in a long breath, slowing her still-pounding heart. “I made it across and I’m okay.”

  “The rest of the way is easygoing,” Jess said, stroking her now-damp hair away from her face. “No more scary creeks. I’m so sorry.”

  “You don’t need to be. I haven’t had that much excitement in a long time.”

  Jess released a light laugh. “I don’t imagine Billy dragged you across creeks that could have killed you. He was always so responsible.”

  Naomi caught a puzzling note in Jess’s voice and what he said seemed to resonate. He had talked like this before. Comparing himself to Billy.

  Things were growing more serious between them and she knew that right now, being involved with Jess didn’t scare her anymore. But she also sensed that a few things needed to be dealt with before they moved on.

  “Come with me,” she said quietly, taking his hand and leading him to an open spot in a small meadow beside the creek.

  Then she sat down, patted the ground beside her. With a puzzled look, Jess joined her, resting his elbows on his raised knees but giving himself some distance, as if afraid of what she might have to say.