The Complete Secrets Series

by LK Shaw

Madeline scribbled in her notepad before responding. “Based on the stories you’ve told of Vlad’s training of you, it’s highly possible his intent was for you to develop some form of Stockholm Syndrome. Which, you did. It was a survival mechanism. You bonded with him through physical pleasure. I also believe he cared for you the only way he knew how.”

  Everything she said made sense. There had been nothing else I could do. Vlad had done everything in his power to ensure my body was pleasured. Madeline was right. I had to forgive myself because I’d had no other choice. My entire existence had been about survival and my capitulation to his masterful touches had always been about survival. There was only so much torture and abuse I could have continued to fight against. Giving in was pure instinct.

  A weight I knew I’d carried, but hadn’t realized how heavy it truly was, was lifted off of me and I felt like I could truly breathe again. It was a rather freeing experience. It also made me recognize that I could choose to continue hating myself for something entirely out of my control or I could forgive myself. It hadn’t meant I was weak at all. It actually reinforced how strong I actually was. I was a survivor.

  A whooshing sound came from Madeline’s direction and I looked up as she pulled another tissue from the box and reached out to hand them to me. It was then that I felt the tears. Cleansing tears no doubt. I took the flimsy sheet and wiped my eyes. I couldn’t remember feeling this light. I couldn’t wait to get home and tell Donovan about the epiphany I had. Suddenly, I knew what I needed to do.

  “I did bond with him, because I think, in his own way, he cared for me. But, it’s time for me to think about my future. Which was something I wanted to talk to you about.”

  She sat back in her chair and waited for me to continue.

  “Do you know anything about BDSM?”

  Madeline spluttered and choked, causing a coughing fit. She took a few sips of water as she got her breathing back under control.

  “Sorry,” she let out a small cough. “You surprised me.”

  “Obviously. You okay?” I asked, slightly amused that I was able to shock her.

  She waved off my concern. “I’m fine. Is BDSM something you’re interested in?”

  I sat back in my chair. “You know Donovan and I have slowly been progressing our physical relationship further, but I can tell he’s holding something back. All this time, I’d thought it was because he wanted me to control the pace of our intimacy and move forward when I was ready. I’m sure that’s a big part of it, but I also found out that Donovan has been keeping a part of himself hidden from me. The Dominant part. He’s being… vanilla, I think was the term used.”

  Madeline studied me. “He must care for you greatly.”

  I thought of all the things he did for me to show me how much he cared. He was loving, thoughtful, and wonderful. But if he wasn’t giving me everything then it almost felt wrong.

  “He does. He goes out of his way to show me all the time how much he cares. But we can’t have any kind of relationship if he’s not giving me everything he is. I don’t want half of Donovan. I want all of him. I deserve all of him.”

  “Do you think you’re ready for all of Donovan? Your physical relationship is still in its infancy. Have you two even made love yet?”

  I blushed at her question. “Not yet. We’ve lain in bed together half-naked and there’s a lot of touching involved, but he’s always kept his pants on. Regardless of what some people think, I know that a Dominant and a submissive don’t necessarily have to have sex. There’s a power exchange element.”

  Madeline actually looked impressed. “You really have been doing your homework. I’m going to share something extremely personal with you. It’s not something I would typically do, but, in this case, I think it will help you. How do you think I know Donovan and Bridget?”

  My mind flashed back to my first visit here when I remembered the exchange between “Maddie” and “Bridge”. “You belong to the same BDSM club, Eden, I believe, don’t you?”

  She nodded. “We do. I’ve seen a number of submissives that’ve been raped go on to have healthy D/s relationships that involve not just the power exchange, but a sexual relationship. My question is this though. Are you truly submissive or are you just trying to be because you know Donovan’s a Dominant?

  “I know you care about him deeply, but if you’re not a true submissive then a power exchange doesn’t matter. Just because you may love him, doesn’t mean he’s the right man for you. Or in reverse, that you’re the right woman for him. You can’t just wake up one day and decide you want to be submissive. It’s an innate part of you. It’s a deep-seated desire to give up control to your Dom and trust that he provides you with everything you need, even things you didn’t know you needed. That’s something you have to figure out for yourself.”

  Phebe

  I’d spent days thinking about my conversation with Madeline. About whether I was truly submissive or if I just desperately wanted to be because I loved Donovan. I struggled with the realization that maybe he and I weren’t meant to be together. On the occasional nights he stayed over, he held me as I cried tears of sadness at the thought and never once got upset with me when I told him I couldn’t tell him why I was crying. Donovan’s level of patience astounded me. Yesterday I woke up tired of feeling sorry for myself. I resolved to find out once and for all. I couldn’t remain in limbo. Which is how I came to be in front of this old warehouse building. Bridget said she’d come pick me up, but I told her I’d take a cab in case I chickened out and stayed home.

  My knees shook and bile churned in my stomach as I readied myself to enter Eden for the first time. I stepped through the door and stopped short. Inside stood a man powerful enough to break someone in half. Bridget definitely hadn’t adequately prepared me for my encounter with this man. She’d told me the bouncer was “stocky”, with shoulder length blond hair and ginormous muscles, but this…this was more than I’d anticipated. My body was seconds away from revolting and just as I turned to bolt out the door, he smiled. It was like a thousand watt lightbulb lit up. Philip, according to Bridget, suddenly looked ten years younger and, almost, harmless.

  “You must be Phebe. Bridget told me to expect you,” he peeked at his watch and when his gaze returned to mine, he winked, “an hour ago. She’d started wearing a path in the floor while she waited for you. I finally had to kick her out of here thirty minutes ago and send her back into the common room. I told her you’d show up when you were ready.”

  Nervous laughter bubbled out of me. “Um, I’m here.”

  Philip chuckled like I’d said something hilarious. “Yes, you are. Let me call in and let Bridget know. Sit tight. She’ll be here before you can blink.”

  He spoke into the bluetooth device sitting in his ear.

  “Would you like to hang up your coat?”

  It took me a second to realize he was speaking to me again. “I’m sorry?”

  He inclined his head to the left and my eyes followed to where he’d directed. A coat closet I’d completely missed was right in front of me. With visibly shaking arms, I removed my overcoat and stepped into the closet to hang it from one of the many hangers. No sooner had I released my stranglehold on the hanger due to my reluctance to leave my coat, my protection, than I heard Bridget’s voice.

  “I’m so glad you made it.”

  My lips formed what I hoped was a smile as I turned toward her, but I was afraid it came across as more a grimace. “Does Donovan know I’m here?”

  “No, although I know Connor is going to paddle my ass until I can’t sit for days when he finds out I brought you here.”

  Her words sounded terrifying, yet she didn’t seem the slightest bit nervous. In fact, I would almost swear I heard anticipation in her voice.

  Slowly, Bridget reached out for my hand. She knew my aversion to anyone’s touch besides Donovan’s, although it was something we’d been working on. I mentally braced myself for the feel of her skin against mine. Once she’d clasped my
hand, she gave me a soft smile, one that asked if I was doing okay. I gave a little sigh and a nod and returned her smile with a small one of my own.

  “You look beautiful, you know.”

  Her words were meant to boost my confidence, but instead they made me self-conscious. I was going to be so out of place with the new dress I was wearing considering the type of club I was in. It was bright red with a small keyhole cut out in front just above my breasts, barely showing any cleavage. It was long-sleeved and high-waisted, with a flared skirt that reached my knees. It might not be sexy by most people’s standards, but I didn’t care. I loved it.

  Here goes nothing.

  Bridget led me down a dim hallway as the music grew louder. It wasn't overly loud, but it was enough that I had trouble thinking. Although that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. She had given me an extensive “tour” of Eden during our late night talks.

  I knew I would most likely see things that would disturb me, but she did her best to reassure me that every single thing that I might see was completely and utterly consensual. The women and men I would encounter had agreed to whatever was happening to them. We had both agreed though that on the first night here, I wouldn’t spend any more time in the public room than it took Bridget to guide me to Donovan’s office.

  As my future Dom, especially if this relationship was going to head in that direction, Donovan needed to be the one to finish my education on submission. Bridget had started it and had given me a lot to think about, but there was only so much knowledge I could gain in a “classroom setting”. Practical experience was the only way I was going to learn. Which meant I needed to experience it for myself. Bridget was setting up the circumstances for it to happen.

  Before I was ready, the hallway opened into the vast public playroom. My first thought was that I matched the room perfectly. The red furniture was almost an identical color to my dress. The purplish glow from the dimmed lights was oddly comforting. Until I saw the people. Bridget’s grip tightened on me and brought my focus back to her.

  “C’mon.” She guided me through the room. I couldn’t help but glance around. We passed through a maze of red lounge chair and couches, some occupied by couples engaging in various sexual activities. I’d thought I enjoyed sex before my captivity, but the expressions of ecstasy on the faces of the men and women in the room were unlike anything I’d ever seen. What struck me the most though was when I spotted a woman who wasn’t doing anything sexual.

  She was wrapped in an obviously loving embrace by a man, curled up on his lap, her head tucked under his chin. The man stroked her hair as he whispered in her ear before dropping a kiss on the top of her head, and I could almost swear I could hear her purring, even though I knew it was impossible. The look of utter content and relaxation on her face was captivating. And awe-inspiring. I’d never been more envious of another person in my entire life as I was of her.

  Soon, she dropped out of my line of vision as Bridget and I finally reached the bar. She led me around to the side and down another hallway. When we reached the end, she knocked loudly on the door we’d stopped in front of. I couldn’t hear anyone moving around inside because of the music, but within a few long seconds, the door opened.

  “Surprise!” Bridget pushed her way past the stunned man, dragging me along with her inside the room.

  Donovan

  What the fuck was Phebe doing here? Quickly, I shut the door and turned to face the two women behind me. Bridget had a shit-eating grin on her face, and Phebe looked like she was ready to hurl. I voiced my internal question out loud.

  “What are you doing here?” Even I hated the accusatory tone I had in my voice.

  Of course Bridget was the one to answer. “I’m showing Phebe around Eden. It was time she saw the place, don’t you think?”

  “No, no, I don’t. You,” I stabbed my finger in Bridget’s direction, “don’t move.”

  As I stormed out of the room in search of the bratty sub’s Dom, I spotted Bridget making herself comfortable in my swivel chair without a care in the world. I avoided eye contact with Phebe. Before long I found Connor monitoring a caning scene with an inexperienced Dom. I grabbed another Eden DM and brought him with me to where Connor stood.

  “Jon’s here to relieve you. Come with me. Now.” Not waiting to see if he followed me, I made my way back to my office.

  Upon my return, I immediately spotted Bridget in the same spot at my desk. My heart skipped a beat when I didn’t see Phebe. Had I scared her off? No, there she was. She’d moved against the wall almost behind the door. Her pale and ashen face had me a little worried even as I was furious with Bridget. Hearing Connor behind me, I moved out of his way.

  “Get her out of here.” I spoke over my shoulder, my eyes never leaving Phebe’s.

  “Hey, I was getting ready for the show.” Bridget sounded disgruntled as I heard the chair squeak as it was relieved of her weight. Based on the disgust in her tone, I would guess she wasn’t removed of her own volition.

  Bridget let out an “oomph” and then a loud smack filtered through the air, quickly followed by a “Damn it, that hurt, Connor. Put me down.”

  “That spanking was nothing. Now, don’t say another word, Bridget. Unless you want to add to your already severe punishment for the stunt you just pulled.” Connor’s words faded as he and Bridget exited the room, leaving Phebe and me alone.

  Faint music could be heard from outside the door as neither of us spoke, just continued staring at each other. I couldn’t help but admire how beautiful she looked to night in her red dress. She was breathtaking, and I both loved and hated that she was here. The near silence crackled with tension. For me, I didn’t know what to say. I never expected to see Phebe here. This was a part of my life I’d been planning to give up. For her.

  What was going through her mind right now?

  I knew she still suffered nightmares and occasionally flinched at just a touch of my hand, although it happened less and less. God, I was going to kill Bridget for making us do this. Phebe being here was never going to work. I wouldn’t put her through that.

  “I hate the silence, just so you know.”

  Realizing my mind had wandered, I turned my attention back on her. “Sorry. I’m not doing it intentionally. I’m just at a loss for words right now. What are you doing here, Phebe?”

  Some of the tension left her body when I didn’t rail at her. My question had been soft, wondering.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I didn’t have to ask what she meant. She sounded hurt. Not that I could blame her.

  “It doesn’t matter. We need to leave here. C’mon, I’ll take you home.”

  “No.” The force behind Phebe’s words startled me. “I’m not leaving until we talk.”

  I sighed in resignation, knowing she wasn’t going to leave it alone. I knew how stubborn she was when she set her mind to something.

  “Have a seat.” I gestured to the chair Bridget had vacated. Phebe moved from her spot and settled in the chair. I pulled out the folding chair I kept for the rare occasion I needed an extra seat in here, turning it so I straddled the back as I sat and faced her. My fingers thrummed restlessly where they rested.

  “Do you know what Domination and submission is?”

  She shifted nervously in her seat and her throat bobbed as she swallowed hard before answering. “Some. Bridget explained a lot of it to me. She also pointed out some helpful websites I checked out. She figured it would be good for me to read stuff on my own and ask her questions I might have.”

  Jesus. Fucking Bridget. “Did she answer your questions?”

  “Most of them.”

  “And the ones she didn’t answer?”

  “I was kind of hoping you’d answer them for me.”

  Shit. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

  “Why not? I know you’ve been holding something back when we’ve been together, Donovan. I feel it every time you kiss me. I just didn’t know what it was until recently.”
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  Damn. Her words hit me like a ton of bricks, because I knew she was right. I had been holding a part of myself back. The part I didn’t think she could handle, even though, logically, I knew Connor had been right that submission could help her regain control and power. In reality though, it wasn’t because I didn’t think she could handle it. In truth, it was because I was afraid. My greatest fear was that she would discover she wasn’t a true submissive. And because I knew her so well, there was no doubt in my mind she would push me away because she would feel I deserved one. That’s how selfless she was. If she couldn’t give me the things I needed, then I needed to find someone who would. I didn’t regret my decision though, but I hate that she’d noticed. I never wanted her to think that what we had wasn’t enough for me.

  “We just recently started sleeping in the same bed, Phebe. And even though I sleep without a shirt, I keep my pants on. Yet, you still sometimes brace yourself not to flinch when I reach for you. You try to hide it, but I see it. I feel it. I have to force myself to remember to go slow when I’m leaning over you to kiss you. You keep your eyes open as though reminding yourself that it’s me in front of you and not him.

  “Don’t you remember what happened the first time I kissed you? The first night I held you in my arms? You left me, Phebe. Completely shut down. Do you have any idea what that did to me? It gutted me seeing you like that. I swore to myself from that moment that I would never cause any harm to you.”

  “Don’t you see you’re harming me already?” Tears formed in her eyes, the chocolate brown turning almost black, her anguish evident. My arms itched to reach out to her, to comfort her. Her tears tore at my heart. She was breaking me.

  “I’m trying to keep you safe. Can’t you see that?”

  Her tears now freely flowed down her pale cheeks, her chest heaved, anger mixed with pain. “Nobody asked you to keep me safe, Donovan. I just want you to love me.”

  “Goddamn it, I do love you!” My yell ricocheted off the walls as my fist slammed down on the desk causing Phebe to jump.