by Alexa Land
“No thank you,” I mumbled. As soon as she left, I started shoveling the soup into my mouth with one hand while stuffing the pocket of Finn’s shirt with several packets of crackers. It was so good, warm and soothing on my empty stomach.
Finn disconnected and put his phone on the table. “I went ahead and ordered for you since I knew you were hungry. Soup always comes up fast.”
“Thank you,” I said before ladling more into my mouth. I knew my table manners left a lot to be desired, but I was too hungry to care. I polished off the soup, scraping up every last drop, then tore open a packet of crackers and ate them in a couple bites.
I was startled when the waitress came back and deposited two plates heaped with burgers and fries on the table, then went off to refill Finn’s coke. “I can’t afford that,” I said quietly. “It’ll take up too much of the money I have left.”
“Dinner’s on me.” I started to protest, but he cut me off by saying, “No arguments.” I still tried to protest, but he interrupted again and said, “I mean it.”
“Thank you again. I’m paying you back when I get some money,” I told him before diving into the food.
“You’re welcome.”
“So, what did the police say?” I asked before stuffing a French fry in my mouth.
“We need to go down in person tomorrow and finish the paperwork since the one officer on duty is tied up tonight, but they have the information and a description of your vehicle and will notify the neighboring jurisdictions.”
“The car’s probably long gone, but thanks for helping. Thank you for all of this. I still can’t believe you’re here!” But then a thought occurred to me and I said, “Wait, what about work? Aren’t you going to get in trouble for taking time off with such short notice?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Sure it does. Your job’s really important to you.”
“It is, but you’re far more important.”
I absorbed that for a few moments, eating another fry as I stared at the tabletop. Finally I said quietly, “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come along right when you did. That wasn’t the first time a john pulled a knife on me, but that time I really believed he was going to use it.” Finn swore under his breath, and I glanced at him from beneath my lashes. “My job’s not always that bad,” I told him.
“I’m adding that to the list of things I’m going to yell about later,” he said levelly.
I ate everything on my plate and washed it down with three cokes, after making sure refills were free. By the end of the meal, I was absolutely stuffed but feeling worlds better. Finn paid the bill, then drove us to a cluster of hotels near the airport.
He picked the nicest of the chain hotels. After he parked and grabbed a backpack from the trunk, I followed him into the plush lobby, hanging back a bit when he got us a room. We rode to the third floor in silence, and he let us into three-twelve. It was neat and clean, all done in earth tones with a little couch, table and two queen beds. “I’m paying you back for this, too,” I told him, “as well as that last-minute plane ticket. That must have been insanely expensive.”
“No you’re not,” he said as he tossed the backpack onto one of the beds.
“Of course I am. It’ll take me a little while to get the money together, but I’m paying you back, every cent of it.”
“I won’t accept it, and when we get home, you’re taking that envelope back, too. That money is yours.”
I shook my head. “No chance. No fucking way am I going to let you financially damage yourself for me.”
Finn’s voice rose slightly. “Who says I’m ‘financially damaging’ myself? I can afford it, and you’re taking that damn money.”
“How can you possibly afford that?”
“I have a lot of savings.”
“You’ll have a lot more when you put that twenty-two thousand dollars back in the bank!” I exclaimed.
“Why are you being so stubborn?” Finn was almost yelling by that point and put his hands on his hips. “That money could be life-changing for you! There’s absolutely no reason to turn it down!”
My voice rose, too. “Yes there is! If I take that money, it means all I was to you all summer was just your whore! And I don’t want to be that, Finn. I know I’m being stupid and ridiculous and self-deluded, but don’t you see? Our time together meant so fucking much to me, and I need it to not have been about money!” I turned away from him.
Finn was quiet for a long moment before saying softly, “It meant everything to me, too.”
“You don’t have to say that just because I did.”
“I’m not! I just…shit, Chance, what do you think I’m doing here?”
I looked at him over my shoulder. “I really don’t know.”
“I’m here because I care about you so much! You asked what you were to me when we were in front of my station and I didn’t have an answer ready, because like I keep telling you, I’m no good with words. But that doesn’t even sort of mean the answer is nothing, it just means it was too complicated for me to explain it right then.” He pulled a white piece of paper from the back pocket of his jeans and held it out to me. “I tried to write it down when I was on the plane. I wanted to be ready in case you asked me again. I think maybe you should read this.”
I took the paper and unfolded it, then realized it was a barf bag. That made me grin a little. The front of the bag was covered in a big logo for the airline (because of course you’d want to brand something people threw up in). On the back of the bag, above some utterly unnecessary printed instructions, Finn had written something in blue ballpoint pen.
I took a deep breath and read out loud, “You’re the boy I can’t stop thinking about. My first thought every single morning is about you, and you’re my last thought before I fall asleep at night. In between, I think about you a million times each day. You’re the person who makes me happy, more than anyone else on this planet. You’re the reason I’ve smiled more this summer than I have in all twenty-eight years of my life, combined. You’re everything, Chance.” I folded the bag and held it to my chest with both hands. “For someone who thinks he has trouble with words, that’s actually so great,” I told him, fighting to keep my voice steady.
“That says some of what you are to me, but not nearly all of it,” he said shyly. “I only had the one barf bag. Even if I’d filled up every single bag on that plane, it still wouldn’t have been enough to explain what you are to me.” His eyes went wide and he added hastily, “With words! If I’d filled them up with words. Oh God. That sounded disgusting.”
I chuckled and said, “I knew what you meant.”
Finn grinned a little. “I’m glad I could make you laugh, after the day you had.”
“It was such an epically shitty day,” I said as I went over to the small nightstand between the two beds and stood up the barf bag by leaning it against the base of the lamp. I then took the five packets of crackers from my pocket and lined them up beside the bag before sitting on the edge of the mattress. “What are the chances that a stolen car will be recovered?”
“Not bad,” Finn said, crossing the room to sit on the mattress across from me. “My concern though, since it was right beside a highway, is that the thief headed out of state with it. That’ll make it harder to find. Was it insured?”
“Yeah, but liability only since it was so old. Why would anyone even steal a twenty-eight-year-old car? That makes no sense.”
“It happens all the time, actually,” he said. “Older cars are easier to break into and often don’t have alarm systems. Plus, those little Hondas are really popular with street racers and get stolen pretty frequently.”
“Awesome,” I muttered. Then I asked idly, “How’d you know my license plate number?”
“I’d noticed it when we were on Twin Peaks.”
“You weren’t kidding when you said cops were observant.”
“Well yes, we are, but I couldn’t help but notice that li
cense plate.”
“Why?”
“Because it happened to be my initials, F-O-N. The numbers I just remembered incidentally.”
“What’s the ‘O’ stand for?”
He grinned a little. “Never you mind.”
I grinned too, then asked, “What about the stuff inside stolen cars, is that ever recovered?”
“Sometimes. We can check the local flea markets, see if anything turns up. What did you lose?”
“There were three things in that car that meant everything to me. My camera was in the trunk. It was worth a hell of a lot more than the car.” I sighed and added, “I loved that camera. It was a gift from Christian and the nicest, most expensive thing I owned by far. I should have left it home, but I was worried about my apartment getting broken into while I was gone. Plus, I thought maybe I’d want to use it if I found my dad, but that was just stupid.”
“If you found your dad? Is he a missing person?”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I was in Gala trying to find the man who knocked up my mom over twenty-six years ago. I’ve never met him and don’t even know his last name. I went to the bar where they met, and the owner of the place yelled at me and kicked me out. Just part of the tremendous shit fest that made up this day.”
“Oh wow, I had no idea. You just said you were going to visit your family.”
“I did that too, or tried to. I spent last night in southern Wyoming, in the house where I lived as a child, but my mom wasn’t home. I did get to see Colt, my kid brother, and I met his boyfriend. It was super awkward. Colt and I barely know each other, and I didn’t stay long because I just felt like I was in the way.”
“I’m sorry this trip has been so awful.”
“You know, I expected it to be bad, but not quite this bad.”
“Why didn’t you ask me for help in tracking your father down? I certainly have the resources,” Finn said. When I shrugged, he sighed. “It’s that whole not asking for help thing again, isn’t it?”
“Maybe. Is it Oliver?”
“Is what Oliver?”
“Your middle name.”
He grinned a little. “I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”
“I don’t have one.”
He looked surprised. “Really?” When I nodded, he said, “Fine, I’ll tell you. It’s O-D-H-R-A-N.”
“What the hell did you just spell?”
“My middle name. It’s pronounced Orin, but my parents went with a more traditional spelling.”
“Could you be more Irish?” I said with a grin.
“The funny thing is, my family’s been in the U.S. for five generations. But it’s like, the further we’re removed from Ireland, the harder my parents try to cling to tradition.”
“Is Finn short for something? Finnegan, maybe?”
“Nope. It’s a traditional Irish name in its own right, taken from the hero of legend, Finn MacCool, who became all-knowing after he ate a magic salmon. I always thought that was special,” he said with a smile.
I burst out laughing. “Finn MacCool and a magic salmon? Really?”
He raised his hands palms-up and said, “That’s where the name comes from.”
“That’s awesome.”
“It’s so good to see you smile,” he said with a sweet grin.
“It’s because of you, one hundred percent. I’m so glad you’re here, Finn.”
“I am, too.” That made me feel kind of shy for some reason. I looked down at the beige carpet, which I was carving a little trough into with the toe of my sneaker. “I always wanted to ask this,” Finn said. “But you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Is Chance your real name?”
“It is. People ask me that a lot, because it sounds so much like a made-up hooker name. But I was born Chance Matthews.”
“I assume that’s your mom’s last name.”
“Yeah. Even if she’d known my dad’s last name, she still would have given me hers.”
“Where’d she get the name Chance?” Finn asked.
“Well, when my mom found out she was pregnant, she went straight to an abortion clinic. I’d obviously been a total accident, and she didn’t even sort of want me. But at the last minute, she couldn’t go through with it. She decided, as she put it, to give me a chance. Hence the name.” Finn looked shocked. I said as I pushed my shoes off and curled up on my side, “Sorry. I realize that the majority of my personal anecdotes should be accompanied by a tiny violin. But, well, you asked.”
Finn took his shoes off too and did the same thing I’d done, curling up on his side on the other bed, facing me. We watched each other across the small divide for a while, and then Finn asked, “What were the other two things?”
“What?”
“You said there were three things in the car that were irreplaceable. One was your expensive camera. What were the other two?”
“A stuffed animal from my childhood, and the journal you gave me.”
Finn rolled over and grabbed his backpack, then turned so he was facing me again. He unzipped the pack and handed me a blank journal that looked exactly like the one he’d given me before, and a little brown bag that said The Imagination Station at Salt Lake City Airport. “What’s this?” I asked as I sat up.
“I was trying to replace what was stolen. I would have bought you a camera too, but I didn’t have time to shop for one. I know for a fact you would have complained about the expense, but I would have done it anyway,” he said with a little half-smile.
“This is the exact same journal,” I said, putting it in my lap and running a fingertip over the embossed compass rose on its dark blue cover.
He sat up, facing me, and said, “I’d bought myself one too, because I thought it was really pretty. I never go anywhere though, so you should have mine. Fortunately, it happened to already be in my backpack.”
I stood the journal up next to the barf bag and said thank you. Then I reached into the paper bag and pulled out a soft little brown teddy bear. “How did you know?” I whispered.
“You told me when I called, before your phone went dead. I know he’s no substitute for Bobo, and maybe we’ll still get him back, but in the meantime, I wanted you to have this little guy. We can call him B.B., or I don’t know. Whatever you want.”
I stared at the adorable little bear for a long moment, and then I startled the hell out of myself and Finn by bursting into tears. “Shit, Chance, I’m sorry,” he exclaimed, quickly moving to my bed and putting an arm around me. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. Does he remind you too much of Bobo? Should I get rid of him?”
I clutched the little bear to me and shook my head no. It was a full minute before I managed to choke out, “I don’t know why I’m crying. I think…I think I’m just not used to people being nice to me or something.”
“You’ve had such a long day, baby,” he said gently. “Here, stand up for a minute.” I did as he said, and he pulled the blanket out from under me.
I climbed into bed, curling myself around the little bear, and Finn tucked me in as I said, “I never cry. Never. Except for today. God I’m sorry. I’m such a mess.”
“You have to be mentally and physically exhausted,” he said. “I’d cry, too.”
I took a couple jagged breaths to calm myself, then said, “You would not. You’re a big, tough cop. And you probably think I’m being such a wienie right now.”
He grinned at me as he sat down on the edge of the bed and brushed my hair back from my forehead. “I think you’re a strong, capable person who hit his breaking point. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Life already beat you up enough for one day.”
I nodded at that as I took a few more deep breaths. Finn stroked my hair for a while, and once I’d calmed down, he kissed my forehead and moved back to the other bed. He got under the covers and offered me a sweet smile.
I stuck my hand out from under the thick, white comforter, and he reached out and took it. After a while, he said, “I don’t know how I’
m supposed to act around you. I don’t know what’s okay and what isn’t. It kind of feels like I’m meeting you for the first time, even though we just had that intense, intimate summer together. I always thought I was ruining any real chance with you by approaching it as a business arrangement, but…damn it, Chance, I really wanted you to have that money.”
“Where’d you get it? I know you told me you had it in savings, but what guy in his twenties has that much money saved up?”
He grinned a little and said, “So, the no questions thing is totally out the window now, right?” I grinned too and nodded, sniffing a bit since my nose had started running with the tears. He admitted quietly, “That was my house.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’d been saving for a house since I was twenty. It had always been my dream to own my own place, but I didn’t want to move out of San Francisco. It’s my hometown and I love it, despite its flaws. Obviously the San Francisco housing market is insanely expensive, which is why, eight years later, I was still working on putting together a down-payment big enough to make the monthly payments affordable on a cop’s salary.” He shifted a bit under his blanket and said, “So, anyway, that’s where the money came from.”
“You gave me your dream,” I whispered.
“Well, but not unselfishly. In return, I got the best summer of my life.”
“Would you have done that with any other prostitute?”
“Absolutely not.”
“So, why me?”
“Because I wanted you, Chance. I wanted you so fucking much. I thought you were so incredibly beautiful the first time I saw you, over a year ago when we both went to say goodbye to Christian before he went in for those clinical drug trials. Then I saw you again at the wedding, and I realized there was so much more to you, too. You were sweet and shy and such a good friend to my brother and his husband. You didn’t take a single break all through the wedding and reception. You didn’t eat anything, either, you were too busy trying to capture every moment of their big day. I really wanted to take you by the hand and make you sit down for a couple minutes and bring you a plate of food. But how weird would that have been, coming from a total stranger?” he grinned self-consciously.