by Alexa Land
My brother looked surprised, and Elijah sat up and peeked at me from behind Colt. “Do you want me to leave?”
I said, “No, please stay. If we’re all going to figure out how to be a family, I don’t want secrets between us.”
I told the boys a pared down version of what I’d told Finn. When I finished talking, Colt whispered, “I knew it,” and got up and gave me a hug.
Elijah had been studying the bedspread as I’d been talking, and after a pause he said softly, “I’m sorry that happened to you. I know what it’s like and how scared you must’ve been.” He swallowed hard and told us, “My uncle hurt me the way that man hurt you. He said if I told anyone, he’d just say I was lying, and then he’d tell everyone he caught me messing around with some boys from school. He said everyone would believe him because they all knew I was a faggot, and that my father would beat me to death if he found out what I was.”
“Elijah, I’m so sorry.”
“You can see why I ran, and why I’m never, ever going back there,” he said, his voice a whisper.
“I’m glad you opened up to us about that,” I told him.
“I knew you’d understand, after what happened to you.”
“I really do.”
After a pause, he asked as his slender hands smoothed out the bedspread, “Is it really gonna be okay if I live with you when we get to California? I know you don’t know me or anything.”
“You’ll always have a home with us, for as long as you want it, Elijah. I promise.”
“Thank you,” he said, a little color rising in his pale cheeks, probably because everyone’s attention was on him.
Finn seemed to sense his discomfort and changed the subject by telling the boys, “So, let’s see that map. I bet we can cram the best of Yellowstone into one day. We just need a plan of attack.” Colt swung the big fold-out onto Finn’s lap, sat down beside him and started pointing out highlights.
Elijah sat on Colt’s other side and took his hand, watching the discussion silently. When he and I happened to catch each other’s eye, he gave me a shy little smile. It felt like an incredible gift.
Chapter Seventeen
It took us almost three days to get back to California. We could have pushed and done it quicker, but Finn thought the boys would enjoy Circus Circus since we’d be passing through Reno. We spent a night and part of a day there on the way home.
He was right. Colt and Elijah were absolutely enthralled. He gave them some money for the arcade while he and I relaxed with a couple cocktails, and when they came to find us two hours later, they both had an armload of stuffed animals that they’d won and were grinning happily.
“Which was better,” Finn had asked them jokingly on the drive home the next day, “Yellowstone or the arcade at Circus Circus?”
“Yellowstone, because it had buffaloes,” Colt had said, and Elijah nodded in agreement. We’d spent a whirlwind day in the national park and managed to see everything on the boys’ to-do list. They left with t-shirts, a few souvenirs and good memories, all thanks to Finn and his incredible generosity. Best of all, those experiences had given all four of us an opportunity to bond and to get to know each other a bit, and I was really grateful for that.
I thought about the last couple days as we crossed the bridge into San Francisco. I was behind the wheel and glanced in the rearview mirror. Colt and Elijah were sound asleep in the backseat, curled up against each other while my brother snored softly. “So, I had an idea,” Finn said, looking up from his phone. He’d been texting for the last few minutes. “You were saying your apartment is tiny, and I’ve been looking for a solution. I texted my cousin Jamie, and he suggested we stay with him until we can find you a bigger place. You know Jamie, right?”
“A little. We’ve met a couple times. He and his husband have a baby though, so I’m sure he wouldn’t want us intruding.”
“Lily is a toddler now and sleeping through the night, and Jamie and Dmitri love kids. They both come from huge families. They have a big apartment, too, right above the bar and grill they own. I know that sounds dicey, an apartment over a bar, but Nolan’s is a really nice establishment.”
“It is, I’ve been there. I’d feel like I was imposing by staying in their apartment though, since I’m basically a stranger.”
“Yeah, but I’m not. Jamie and I are close, and I’d be staying there with you, if you’re alright with that,” Finn said.
“Really?”
“I don’t want to go back to my parents’ house, aside from picking up my things. As soon as I come out, I won’t be welcome there.”
“It wouldn’t be nearly as weird if you were staying with us,” I said.
“So should I tell Jamie we’re coming?”
“I guess so. I just can’t see all of us cramming into my tiny studio, and I really don’t want the boys to feel like they’re in the way. Hopefully we won’t have to stay too long, even though it’ll take me some time to put enough money together for a deposit on a bigger apartment. It’s going to take a while to pay you back, too.”
Finn knit his brows as he sent a text and said, “You really have to quit it with the paying me back thing.”
“I owe you a shitload after this week. I’ve been trying to estimate, because you won’t give me receipts. I bet my estimate was low on the cost of renting this SUV and dropping it off in a different state. That had to cost a bundle. Maybe nearly as much as that last-minute plane ticket.”
“Let’s talk about this later, when I can raise my voice without waking a couple sleeping kids.” I grinned at that. He never made good on his threats of getting mad at me.
We parked in the alley behind Nolan’s, Jamie and Dmitri’s Irish pub in the Richmond District, and Jamie came downstairs to open the security gate for us. He looked very much like a surfer and very little like an ex-cop, both of which applied to him. He was tan, blue-eyed like most of the Nolan clan, and about six feet tall with sun-streaked hair, a loud Hawaiian shirt, and camo cargo shorts. Jamie greeted both Finn and me with a hug, and I said, “I’m so sorry to put you out like this.”
“You’re not putting us out at all, we love having company,” Jamie said with a smile. “What do you want to bring upstairs? I’ll help you carry some stuff.”
I frowned at the loaded-down SUV and stuffed-full Civic and said, “I guess we’ll just bring up our backpacks with our clothes, and…well, one other thing.” I got my keys and retrieved my mother’s ashes from the front seat of my car. It really wouldn’t be okay if that got stolen.
Elijah and Colt each grabbed a couple of the stuffed animals they’d won in Reno and tumbled out of the backseat half-asleep. When we got upstairs, Jamie showed the boys to the attractively decorated guestroom, and Colt murmured, “Thanks,” before he and Elijah collapsed on top of the comforter. They were asleep again in seconds.
Jamie had set up a thick air mattress in his home office for Finn and me, made up with fresh, cream-colored bedding, and said, “I hope this’ll be okay.”
“It’s great. Thanks so much,” Finn said.
“I, um, don’t know where to put this,” I said, looking at Finn as I indicated the box in my hands.
“Let me take it, I’ll find a safe spot for it,” Finn said, then took the box with him into the living room.
While he did that, Jamie asked, “What’s in the box?”
“Oh. Um, it’s my mother’s ashes. Sorry, that must sound incredibly morbid. I recently found out she died, and I haven’t figured out what to do with them yet.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss, Chance,” Jamie said, reaching out to give my arm a friendly squeeze.
“Thanks. And thank you so much for this. It’s incredibly nice of you to open your home to us.”
Jamie said, “You’re more than welcome. I was surprised when Finn texted, since he’s the type of guy who never asks for anything. It’s obvious that he cares about you and those boys.”
“I do,” Finn said as he came back into the
room. “Chance is my boyfriend, and I’d do anything for him.” I was once again surprised that he outed himself without any lead-up.
Jamie took it in stride, smiling as he said, “I knew you were gay. Kieran owes me five bucks, we bet each other.”
“You did? When?”
“A few years ago.”
Finn shook his head. “And here I really thought I’d kept it under wraps.”
“Have you told your parents yet?”
“No, only Shea and now you. Apparently my approach is to tell each of my gay relatives first, one by one, so I get a lot of practice before the main event. Maybe after that I’ll go through a couple dozen of my straight cousins. Most of them took it in stride when you came out, so that’ll be good practice too before outing myself to my parents.”
Jamie said, “I see why you said you were going to be moving out when you texted me.”
“I have to. You know how they’ve shunned my brother. No reason to believe it’ll go any differently for me.”
“I’ll help in any way I can.” Jamie added, “You both look exhausted, so let’s continue this conversation in the morning. If you get up before we do, help yourself to anything you want in the kitchen. I really want you to make yourself at home.”
“Thanks again,” Finn said.
Jamie left the room, pulling the door shut behind him, and I asked Finn, “Where’d you put the box?”
“In a high cabinet in the living room, out of toddler range.”
“I have no idea what I’m going to do with her ashes,” I said as I sank down onto the mattress and pulled my shoes off. “It feels so weird to be carrying my dead mother’s remains around with me.”
“Maybe we can find someplace nice and distribute them there.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
Finn took off his shoes and jeans, then laid down with a little, “Ahh.” He got comfortable and said, “This bed feels amazing after all those hours in the car.”
I turned off the lights and stretched out beside him. He rolled onto his side and put his arm over me, and after a pause I said quietly, “What the hell am I going to do?”
He knew I wasn’t just talking about the ashes. “You’re going to let me help you, and we’re going to figure all of this out together.”
“I’m worried about Elijah. What if he bolts? I know all too well what’d become of a teen on his own in this city if he did that.”
“I don’t think he’ll run. He obviously loves your brother, and that’s reason enough to stick around.”
“But he ran from Colt back in Wyoming, when you had to chase after him.”
Finn said, “I know, but it took very little convincing to get him to come back. I think he mostly just ran off so he could cry without anyone seeing him. When he finally stopped running and let me catch up to him, he was sobbing and made me promise we wouldn’t hurt him. It broke my heart.”
“I’m really grateful that you took them to Yellowstone and Circus Circus. I loved seeing them enjoying themselves and getting to act like kids for once.”
“I had as much fun as they did.” Finn took my chin in his hand and gently turned my head to face him. I studied his features in the semi-darkness as he said, “I know it was hard for you to relax and enjoy yourself, given how much you have on your mind right now, so I hope when we get everything sorted out you’ll let me take you on a real vacation. I want to take you somewhere beautiful for a few days, so you can finally relax.”
I rolled over, into his arms, and said softly, “You’re such a good guy, Finn. I’m really lucky to know you.”
“I’m the lucky one.”
“Hardly. I have no idea why you’d want anything to do with an unemployed ex-hooker with a couple teenagers to look after and absolutely no plan for the future.” Finn looked surprised, and I said, “I can’t go back to prostitution. I already knew I had to give it up because it would drive you and me apart. But now on top of that I have the responsibility of those two boys, and I need to be a good role model for them. I need to be better for you, too. If I expect to have a shot at holding on to you, I know I have to get my shit together.”
He ran his fingertips over my cheek and said quietly, “That job needed to go because it was dangerous and because it damaged your self-esteem. But you really don’t have to worry about holding on to me, Chance. You’ve got me, for as long as you want me.”
I wanted to believe him. God I did. But I’d meant what I said, I had no idea why he’d want a train wreck like me.
*****
I woke up fairly early the next morning, but Finn was already up and gone. He was a habitually early riser. When I left the office, I noticed the door to the guestroom was still closed, and could make out the faint sound of my brother snoring.
After using the bathroom in the hall, I wandered into the living room. I hadn’t gotten a good look at it the night before, but it was really something. It had high ceilings and big windows that let in lots of light. Sleek, modern furniture played off some quirky details, like a river of surfboards suspended from the ceiling. It was beautiful, but more than that, it really felt like a home. Dozens of pictures of family and friends crowded the big mantel, and toys and stuffed animals dotted the room.
Jamie and Dmitri were seated at their kitchen table across the apartment, flanking a cute little girl in a high chair. She had blue eyes and dark brown hair, and was feeding herself with a spoon, so a lot of porridge was landing on the Wonder Woman bib she wore.
I totally felt like I was intruding and started to turn to head back into the office, but Jamie spotted me and called, “Good morning, Chance. There’s coffee if you want some.”
I murmured a greeting and went into the kitchen, where I filled a mug. “Come sit down,” Jamie said. “You remember my husband Dmitri, don’t you?”
“Yeah. Good to see you again,” I said. I took a seat and glanced at Dmitri as I took a sip of coffee. He was very much Jamie’s opposite in terms of physical appearance, a pulled together and sophisticated Russian-American with a perfect smile, perfect black hair, and perfect clothes.
“Good to see you, too,” Dmitri said. When he smiled at me, a set of dimples appeared. “We’d been meaning to call you, actually. Christian and Shea sent us copies of some of the photos you took at their wedding. We loved the candid shots of the three of us. In fact, we framed a couple and put them on the mantel.”
“I’m glad you liked them,” I said, looking at the wooden tabletop.
“We’ve actually been wanting to call to make an appointment for a photography session. We have a lot of pictures of Lily, but very few of the three of us together. Would that be something you’re interested in? We’d pay your usual fee, of course,” Jamie said.
I glanced at him and asked, “Did Finn put you up to this?”
“No. Why would he?”
“Because he knows I’m kind of desperate for money right now,” I said quietly.
“He didn’t say anything about it.”
“Do you know where he went this morning?”
“He said he had to run an errand and that he’d be back soon.”
I took another sip from my mug, then said, “I’ll be happy to take some pictures for you, but there’s no charge. You let us totally impose on you, so it’s the least I could do.”
“It’s no imposition,” Jamie said. “You’re my cousin’s boyfriend. That makes you family, and family is always welcome in our home.”
“Well, if you insist on paying, please just give whatever amount you think seems right directly to Finn,” I told him. “I owe him a bundle after this last week.”
“Not a problem. Do you want to do it this afternoon? Maybe we could go to Golden Gate Park,” Jamie said.
“Sure. I’ll bring the boys, I think they’ll like it there. Oh, and Elijah really wants to see the Pacific Ocean. Maybe we could go to that end of the park, so he and Colt can cross over to Ocean Beach.”
Dmitri grinned at me. “Being a parent comes natu
rally to you.”
“I don’t know about that. I’m just trying my best to do what’s right for those kids.”
“That’s exactly what makes you a good parent,” Dmitri said as he picked up a napkin and wiped his daughter’s messy chin.
“I’m totally clueless though. There’s so much I have to do, and I don’t know how to do any of it. For one thing, I have to figure out how to get them registered for school,” I said. “It’s probably starting in just a couple weeks. But maybe I have to be appointed as their legal guardian before I can register them. It’s probably no problem with my brother since I’m a blood relative, but I don’t know what to do for Elijah. He ran away from a bad home situation and I don’t know how to get custody of him. I just have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.”
“It’s a good thing that Finn brought you here,” Dmitri said as he pulled his phone from his pocket. “A good friend of ours is one of the best lawyers in the country for family law. We had Lily with a surrogate, and wanted to make sure we’d both have full legal rights where she was concerned. He took care of everything, and I know he can help you, too.” Dmitri fired off a text and said, “I just asked him if he and his wife can come over for dinner. It sounds like you need to get this handled immediately with that school deadline.”
“I can’t afford a lawyer,” I said.
“Hayes does a lot of pro bono work. I’m sure as soon as he hears about your circumstances, he’ll be more than happy to help.” I hoped he was right.
The door to the guestroom opened, and a couple disheveled, uncertain-looking teenagers stepped into the living room, holding hands. When I waved to them, they came into the kitchen and looked at our hosts shyly. “Colt and Elijah, I’d like you to meet Jamie, Dmitri, and their daughter Lily. Jamie is Finn’s cousin.”
“Are we in San Francisco?” Colt asked.
“Yup. We got in last night, a little before midnight. You two were pretty out of it,” I said.