by Alexa Land
“I can’t even argue with you now that you put it like that,” I told him with a little frown.
“Good.”
“But just so you know, you’re not allowed to let anything happen to you, ever.”
“I always try my best to be safe,” he said as he nuzzled my hair. “I didn’t just add you for emergencies, either. We’re building a household and we’re going to have shared expenses.”
“This is really happening,” I said softly as he wrapped his arms around me. “It’s just starting to sink in that we’re buying a home and building a life together.”
“Are you sure I’m what you want?”
I sat up and looked at him, and was surprised at the worry in those beautiful blue eyes. “I want you more than anything,” I told him as I cupped his face between my palms. “I love you and I can’t even imagine my life without you.”
We kissed each other for a while, softly and tenderly, as Finn ran his fingers into my hair. Finally, we were interrupted by, “Do you think you two could quit makin’ out long enough to drive us to our new home? We really want to see it.” That had come from Colt.
Elijah added, “We want to spend the night there. Can we, please?”
“There’s no reason not to. My cousin told me to keep the key and move in whenever we want,” Finn said as I slid off his lap. “I’d already turned on the water and electricity, so that’s good to go, but there are no beds or furniture.”
“So we can move in tonight!” Elijah said, his eyes lighting up.
“You heard the part about no furniture, right?” Finn said.
“We can stop off at the Walmart and buy some sleeping bags,” Elijah said. “We don’t need anythin’ else.”
“No reason not to,” Finn said as he got up, too. “We can buy some stuff for dinner while we’re at it and make a night of it.”
“Awesome. I’m going to go pack some of our stuff, Eli,” Colt said as he jogged to the guestroom.
Elijah turned to us and said, “Thanks for agreein’ to this. Colt really needed a distraction tonight and this is gonna make him happy.”
“How’s he holding up?” I asked.
The teenager shrugged. “Okay, I guess. I think he’s just gonna need some time to work through this stuff, you know?” I nodded and he said, “I’m gonna help him pack. We’ll meet you back out here in just a little bit.”
Ten minutes later, as we headed to Finn’s SUV with some of our belongings, we crossed paths with Jamie, who held a sleeping Lily in his arms. Dmitri caught up a moment later, loaded down with toys and a big diaper bag. Finn told them we’d be moving into the warehouse that night, and Jamie said, “Aw, we’re going to miss you guys.”
“I can’t thank you enough for letting us stay with you,” I said. “I know we totally crowded and inconvenienced you, but you were both so incredibly nice about it.”
“It was great having you here. I hope you all know you’re family,” Jamie said, “and family is always welcome in our home.”
Colt and Elijah smiled at that, and I said, “See you at work tomorrow,” before we got in the SUV. Finn ended up stopping at a Target, and he let the boys pick out a few things for their rooms. They got a couple posters, a retro clock shaped like a rocket, and two big armloads of colorful throw pillows, and were so excited you’d have thought it was Christmas. We grabbed four sleeping bags and cushioned pads to go underneath, along with some groceries, and headed to our new home.
The boys were beyond excited when they saw the warehouse. They ran all around it, and bolted up the stairs to pick out their bedrooms. The two offices they selected had a connecting door and were at the far end of the landing, closest to the bay. Finn and I claimed the main office at the opposite end of the building to give us a little privacy, then went downstairs to start some dinner.
“This place is so awesome,” Colt exclaimed when they joined us a few minutes later. “Beyond awesome! We’re going to love it here.” I felt exactly the same way.
After we ate, we went out to the patio and sat on plastic crates as we took in the view of the bay. It was after dark so the inky black water reflected the moonlight. A boat passed in the distance, and beyond it, the lights along the distant shore looked like faint stars in the night. Colt said softly, “This feels like it’s a million miles from Wyoming.”
“It feels like two million miles from Mississippi,” Elijah said. “This has to be the best place in the whole entire world.”
“You know, I didn’t like San Francisco much, for about the first dozen years I lived here,” I said. “But now there’s no place else I’d rather be.”
Finn glanced at me. “You mean it?”
“Absolutely. I just needed to look at it from a different angle,” I said as I tilted my head and rested it on his shoulder.
“So, this place is for sure, right?” my brother asked. “I mean, I know you still have to do the paperwork and pay for it and stuff, but no one can take this away from us, can they?”
“Nobody’s going to take it away, Colt,” Finn said gently. “I promise you. This is your new home.”
My brother thought about that for a while, then said, “I’ll be right back.” He went inside and returned a minute later with his duffle bag. I was surprised when he unzipped it and took out our mother’s ashes.
“It doesn’t seem right that she’s in a box on the shelf,” he said. “Do you think maybe we can let her out into the world?”
I said softly, “Sure, Colt, if that’s what you want to do.”
“It feels right. I was just looking out at the bay, and I remembered Mama talking about how much she liked the ocean. That’s where this water goes, right? Out to sea?”
“Eventually,” Finn said. “It circles around the bay first, but then it flows out under the Golden Gate and reaches the Pacific.”
Colt peeled back the packing tape and said, “That’s perfect. Should we, like, say a few words or something?”
Elijah got up and put his arm around my brother’s shoulders. “I think that’s a real nice idea. I’ll go first if you want.” The four of us walked to the eight-foot drop off at the edge of the bay, and Elijah looked out at the water and said, “I never got to meet you, Ms. Matthews, but I want you to know I’m in love with your son and I’ll take good care of him for you. I hope you’re at peace now.”
A tear tumbled down Colt’s cheek, and he whispered, “Thank you,” to his boyfriend. Then he said, “I guess I’ll go next.” He took a deep breath and looked out over the water, too. “I miss you, Mama. I think about you every single day. You went away too soon, but I hope you’re someplace beautiful now, someplace that’s nothing at all like Simone, Wyoming. You made some mistakes, but I want you to know I love you. You took care of me the best you could. I wish you’d listened to Chance and taken better care of him, too. But we’re together and we’re a family now, me and Chance and Elijah and Finn. I know you used to worry about me, so I want you to know you don’t have to worry anymore. I’m gonna be just fine.”
When my brother fell silent, Finn said, “I’ll go next.” He cleared his throat and fidgeted a bit before saying, “I didn’t know you either, Ms. Matthews, and Colt’s right, you made some huge mistakes with how you treated Chance. But you also brought two absolutely wonderful human beings into this world, and I want to thank you for that. I hope you rest in peace.”
I swallowed hard, trying to hold back tears as I said, “I came to see you this summer, Mom. I really hoped that we’d be able to talk without arguing, for the first time in our lives, and that maybe we’d find a way to put the past behind us. I was so mad at you for such a long time, but I never stopped loving you. I want you to know that. I always held onto the hope that we’d patch things up between us. That might never have happened…but I’m going to go ahead and believe that maybe it would have. I hope you’re in a better place now.”
Colt took a plastic bag out of the box and held it with both hands as I carefully opened it for him. There
was a strong breeze blowing toward the bay, and when he shook the contents of the bag into the air, they dispersed immediately, out into the water and the air and the universe. “Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. I get that now,” Colt said softly as he stared out into the night. “Goodbye, Mama.”
“Bye, Mom,” I whispered, and my brother reached for my hand. He started to sob then, and I grabbed him in a hug. Elijah hugged him too, pressing himself to Colt’s back, and Finn put his arms around all three of us.
When he got his tears under control, Colt sniffed and said, “Thanks for doing that with me. I was going to do it by myself when I first got her ashes, but I didn’t think anyone should have to spend all of eternity in Simone. I’m glad I got to take her someplace way better, and that I had you guys to help me out.”
The four of us ended up putting our sleeping bags in the main part of the warehouse that night. Finn plugged in a couple strands of lights, and we lay there two-by-two staring up at their soft glow, Colt and Elijah a few feet to my left, Finn snuggling in close on my right.
“This is gonna be a really awesome place to live,” Elijah said, his voice soft as ever.
“It really is,” Colt agreed.
“You doin’ okay after that?” Elijah asked him.
“I will be.”
After a pause, Elijah changed the subject by asking, “Do you suppose there’s any place around here to play miniature golf?”
Colt chuckled and said, “That’s so random.”
“I know. I was just thinkin’ that it’d be fun if all four of us went on a double date,” his boyfriend said. “I saw a movie once where these straight couples did that, and I always wanted to do it, too. I never been mini golfing.”
“There was a really shitty course in Simone,” Colt said. “Some guy just, like, built it in a vacant lot out of plywood and stuff, but we didn’t have anything better to do so we’d go sometimes. On the eighth hole, you’d have to hit your ball up a ramp and into the mouth of this huge, horrifying clown face. I swear, to this day I still have flashbacks about that clown.” My brother shuddered and Elijah grinned.
“Okay, there aren’t going to be a ton of rules in this house,” Finn said, “but there will be one: no talking about freaky clowns right before bedtime. I don’t want to have nightmares.”
Both boys burst out laughing and Colt said, “You’re afraid of clowns? There’s no way! Big, tough cop like you?”
“I didn’t say I was afraid of them,” Finn said with a smile, propping himself up with a hand under his head and looking across at the boys. “I’m just not a fan. At all.”
“Dude, you’re totally afraid of them!” Colt said as he and Elijah sat up, his eyes bright with laughter. “Oh man, the pranks are gonna be epic!”
“No! No clown pranks! Oh my God, don’t do it!” Finn exclaimed, as both boys doubled over with laughter. He started laughing too, and I smiled as I closed my eyes and let the sound wash over me. It was unexpected in the wake of all the sadness we’d shared that night, and I was so grateful for it.
Chapter Twenty-One
October
“Enough pictures already!”
Colt raised his hands like a shield and started to walk away, and I straightened up from behind the tripod and implored, “Just a couple more. Please? The light’s really good right now.”
He frowned at me, but then relented. “Fine, two more, but can we do funny ones this time?”
“Two more serious ones, then all the funny ones you want,” I bargained.
My brother said, “Okay, but hurry up. Everyone’s gonna be here soon and I don’t think we put enough food out.”
We were about to host our first get-together in our new home. It had begun as a housewarming party because escrow had closed on the warehouse, but now we had even more reasons to celebrate. I’d been granted custody of Colt and Finn had gotten custody of Elijah. We’d all been so incredibly happy and relieved.
“There’s enough food over there to feed half of San Francisco,” I told him as I looked through my viewfinder and framed up my shot, which was a bit challenging given the height difference between Finn and Eli. I zoomed in fairly close, but made sure some of the amazing mural Christian was painting on the two-story wall of our living room still showed in the background. Then I jogged over to my family, took my spot, and said, “Smile!”
“My face hurts from all this smiling,” Elijah said.
“Almost done!” I smiled too and clicked off a few shots with the remote shutter release I concealed in my hand. “Okay, crazy ones! Go nuts!” I announced, and all four of us mugged for the camera while I clicked away.
Shea had been raiding the chips over on the long counter separating our kitchen from the living area, and he chuckled and said, “Nice one. You all just made the same silly face. That needs to be your Christmas card.” He noticed that Christian was trying to carry about two dozen spray cans at once, and jogged over to help him.
The big doors at the front and back of the warehouse were both open, and a crisp breeze wafted through the building, clearing the faint, lingering smell of spray paint. Christian’s best friend Skye jogged up to the open back door holding a rusty, twisted piece of metal, and exclaimed, “Do you guys seriously not care if I help myself to that awesome treasure pile at the edge of your property?”
“You mean the Grand Tetanus Tetons?” Finn replied as I took my camera off the tripod and hung it around my neck. “We were saving it for you, so help yourself to as much rusty junk as you want. I’m going to haul whatever’s left to the dump.”
“Thanks, man,” Skye exclaimed with a big smile, pushing his blue bangs out of his eyes. “I’m going to make you guys a sculpture out of it as a housewarming present!”
As he disappeared the way he’d come, I glanced at Finn and he smiled at me and said, “We can put a big baby gate around it when Lily comes over.”
“Speaking of Lily,” I said as the little girl wobbled unsteadily through the door with a dad on each hand. Jamie’s best friend Jessica and her husband brought up the rear with armloads of toys, blankets, and a bulging diaper bag. Apparently going anywhere with a toddler was an extremely elaborate procedure. We exchanged hugs all around and Dmitri handed us a nice bottle of champagne before he and Jamie began a graceful dance of toddler redirection, away from the wet mural, the open back door, and the stairs. I turned to Finn and said, “I never realized how totally un-childproofed this place is.”
“I know, but Jamie and his husband have the whole vigilance thing down to a science.”
More and more people kept filtering in over the next hour. Finn had an astonishing number of cousins, and many came to the party along with their spouses and kids. Several of his coworkers also showed up, including Duke. We were chatting with Finn’s cousin Brian and his husband Hunter when I spotted a thin figure hesitating outside the front door. I excused myself and made my way through the growing crowd.
When I reached him, Zachary dropped the big duffle bag that had been slung over his shoulder, and I grabbed him in a hug as he said, “You know a lot of people.”
“Finn comes from a huge family. How are you?” I pulled back to look at him. We hadn’t seen each other since the day he’d come by the restaurant, but he’d been texting me fairly regularly since then.
He paused for a long moment before he finally admitted, “I need help, Chance.”
“Just tell me what you need.”
He glanced at me from beneath his lashes and asked, “Can I crash here, just for a little while? Things feel really out of control right now and I need a safe place to stay until I figure some stuff out.”
“Of course.” I pointed to the second floor landing and said, “Those first three offices are open, we’ve been converting them into bedrooms.”
“Aren’t you going to ask your boyfriend if it’s okay first?”
“I told him weeks ago that I’d extended an open invitation to you, and he was totally fine with it, just like I knew he would
be. Come meet Finn and the boys.”
I introduced my brother and Elijah first, who sat on the kitchen counter inhaling potato chips with Josh, Nana’s great-grandson. “Welcome, bro,” Colt said with a smile, wiping his greasy fingers on his jeans before shaking Zachary’s hand. “We just got done painting the bedrooms in a reverse rainbow. The red, orange and yellow rooms on the right are available, take whichever one you want. The green room’s a game room, Eli and I are in blue and purple at the end, and my brother and Finn have the big office toward the back. They haven’t let us paint it yet, but we have big plans for those white walls.” My friend grinned shyly and thanked him.
We deposited Zachary’s bag in the walk-in pantry, and I led the way through the crowd as we went to find Finn. My boyfriend put his arm around my shoulders when he saw me and said, “Jessie just texted. Your dad’s flight was slightly delayed, but they’re on their way now.” We’d planned our housewarming party to coincide with Tony’s second visit to San Francisco, and when I’d mentioned it to Jessie and Nana, they’d volunteered to pick him up in the limo to, as Nana put it, ‘make him feel like a big-shot’.
“Great. Hey, there’s someone I want you to meet,” I said, and spun us around a bit so he was facing my friend. “Finn, this is Zachary Paleki. Zachary, Finn Nolan.”
“I’m so glad to finally meet you,” Finn exclaimed with a wide smile as they shook hands. “Please tell me you’re planning to move in.”
Zachary looked surprised at that and mumbled, “You actually want me to?”
“Absolutely. Chance has been worried about you and we were both hoping you’d take him up on his offer,” Finn said.
“Are you sure? You don’t have to say yes. I can figure something else out.”
“We both want you here, Zachary,” Finn told him. “Our door’s always open for family.”
“But I’m not family,” my friend said softly.