Trying To Live With The Dead

by B. L. Brunnemer

  “I’m playing out at Northridge tomorrow night.”

  “Okay, schedules suck.” I declared. He chuckled.

  “Yeah, they do. Especially with you almost an hour away.” He laughed.

  “Only from your point of view, to me you're the one an hour away.” I told him.

  “Wait, what’s in the middle?” I heard him moving around. “Come on, wake up computer.” I smiled.

  “It’s only forty five minutes.” I pointed out. I heard typing.

  “Yeah, but if there is something in the middle, that’s less time driving and more time I get to see you.” He said distracted. I couldn’t seem to stop smiling.

  “Hmm, and less gas used. I like it.” I admitted. He chuckled.

  “A girl who knows the value of gas, be still my heart.” His voice was adoring. I chuckled. “Okay, something in between. I’ve found a park.” I started laughing.

  “If I told the guys I was meeting you in a park at night. They would all come and glare at you the whole time.” I told him. He chuckled.

  “I was thinking more during the day next weekend or something.” He said. “There’s a really small town. I’ll look up what’s there later; I’d rather talk to you right now.”

  “You are really working the hard flirt.” I said fighting the urge to giggle. What was wrong with me? I have never giggled because of a guy.

  “Yeah, I am. Is it working?” He asked his voice had an edge of uncertainty. He was so cute.

  “Oh, yeah, it’s working.” I admitted happily. I heard a deep exhale of relief.

  “Good.” I snickered. “Think you can make it out to Vegabond Saturday night?” I bit my lip.

  “If I make progress on that project then it’s a definite yes.” I hedged; I didn’t want to say yes and have to back out.

  “But if you don’t?”

  “I’ll be busting my ass every night to make sure that doesn’t happen.” I admitted. I decided then and there that I was going to reach my center on Saturday no matter how long it took.

  “Alright.” His voice got softer in my ear. “So, what did you draw today?”

  “I was practicing roses today.” Before I could say more Ethan walked into the living room carrying his ipod and headphones.

  “Hey Beautiful, you’ve got that thing you're working on.” He called from across the room.

  “Did he just call you beautiful?” I winced.

  “Yeah, it’s his nickname for me. So far I haven’t picked his, but Nosey Brat is starting to sound good.” Dylan and Ethan laughed at me. “I do have to get working. If you want to see me Saturday night and all.”

  “Get moving, I want another dance.” Dylan ordered making me chuckle. “I’ll try to call tomorrow, but you’ll definitely get texts.”

  “Uh-huh, now tomorrow or a week from tomorrow?” I teased. He groaned. I snickered.

  “I’ll make it up to you I promise.”

  “Alright. Night.” I said still smiling.

  “Night.”

  I hung up the phone and glared playfully at Ethan who had a big shit-eating grin on his face.

  “Lexie’s got a boyfriend.” He sang.

  “Lexie’s got a date Saturday night.” I sing-songed right back.

  “Oh. Nice, where?”

  “Vegabond.” He tilted his head, his eyes unfocused.

  “Now I need a date.” He shook his head and focused back on me. “Come on Beautiful, let’s go.”

  I followed Ethan down the long hallway and into the conservatory. He led me to the center of the glass room and gestured for me to pick a seat. I sat down in one of the chairs. Ethan brought the other chair closer, the metal feet scraping along the stone tile. He sat in front of me like last night.

  “So what is involved in linking with the Veil?” He asked playing with the cord on his headphones.

  “Well, first you have to meditate, get a clear head. Free of emotion and conscious thought. Then you have to find your center.” I explained still trying to understand it myself. “Your center is supposed to be this place inside you, that is you at the very core of who you are. The good, the bad. It’s all there. You have to face that in order to reach out and link with the Veil.” Ethan licked his lips.

  “Well, let’s start with part one.” He offered. I smiled gratefully. He handed me his ipod and headphones.

  “I’ve downloaded a pretty good guided meditation for you. It should be able to help get you there.” I nodded and put the headphones on.

  “Are you staying?” I asked, settling into the chair. He nodded. I hit play on the file marked Lexie’s.” I placed my hands in my lap and closed my eyes. The music was soft, a flute and tranquil. Then the guide started to speak. I winced; his voice was hard on my ears. It was a higher pitched man's voice, and it had a slight accent I ended up trying to place rather than listening to the actual guide. I brought my attention back to what I was supposed to be doing. Ten minutes later, I couldn’t take it anymore. I pulled the headphones off.

  “Nope, nada, no way.” I said in a strained, frustrated voice. Ethan frowned at me.

  “What happened?”

  “The guy has a slight accent I’ve been trying to place for a good five minutes and his voice is higher pitched. It’s like a knife in my ear.” I told him honestly. I hated how picky I was about sound. But this wasn’t working. What the hell was I going to do? Ethan’s face became thoughtful. He was silent for a couple minutes before he grinned at me. He reached over and took the headphones from me.

  “Alright, I have an idea.” He put the headphones on, but left one off his ear. He queued up the ipod. Then he met my eyes. “Close your eyes.” I raised an eyebrow at him and sighed. I was willing to try anything right now. I closed my eyes.

  “Take deep slow breaths.” Ethan’s voice went low and smoother than usual. It wasn’t his toe curling voice or his normal one, it was somewhere in between. His voice filled my ears slowly, softly till his voice was all I could hear. “Focus on feeling your body breathing, the air coming in through your nose. Your lungs filling with air. Feel yourself exhale.” I did as he said; I couldn’t resist that voice of his. It went on like that for half an hour. Ethan saying the instructions, following and me listening. The world disappeared. There was only the sound of water and Ethan's voice. When my mind was completely blank, free of emotion and thought. I gave him a thumbs up, letting him know I was where I needed to be. Then Ethan began again, this time giving me instructions on how to reach my center. I don’t know where he found them and I didn’t care. I just listened. “Feel yourself relaxing, sinking deeper into your mind.” I relaxed my hold on everything, my body, my stress, all the pressure I felt to get this right. I just let it go and sank down inside myself. “Where does your instinct come from Beautiful? That place in your mind that is all instinct. The instinct that you used with Zeke today. That instinct you had when you calmed me down the day before my gig.” I knew the vague area in my mind where that came from, it was lower, deeper. So I sank further. “That’s where your center is. That is what you need to find.” I was closer, I could feel it. I felt stronger, more me. Images flashed through my mind, not all of them good, not all of them bad. The big moments in my life. Seeing my first ghost, Clair saving me, Claire protecting me. Dad. I saw Dad reading to me The Hobbit before bedtime. Then I saw his casket. My heart ached as I fell deeper. I knew what was coming. I saw myself being alone at night. Trying to understand why mom wanted to go out instead of stay with me. I saw how I tried everyday to make things better for my mother, how every day she blew me off. I watched the color of my world leach away until there was barely any color at all. I felt my breathing speed up and let it. I knew what was coming. I watched as Jacob Noon tried to pin me down in the park. His hand going up my skirt as I said no. He’d asked me to go stargazing, and I thought it would be fun. I watched as I fought him off, driving my knee into his groin. Then pushing him off me. I watched the white-hot rage in my eyes as I walked to the Blazer. I watched myself pick up
the short crowbar. I didn’t hesitate, I didn’t think. Then I watched myself smash that crowbar across his face, over and over. When he was unconscious, I watched myself pull my cell phone out and call the police and an ambulance. My chest felt tight. It was horrifying to see myself that way, to see what I was capable of doing. I didn’t want to see my dark side, I knew it was there, but I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to see anymore. I didn’t want to see myself. I didn’t want to know what kind of monster I really was. I began to swim up, and up. Desperate to get away from the knowledge that lay below. I was coming up when a loud bang yanked me out of my head. I opened my eyes disoriented, not quite knowing where I was. It took me a couple minutes of blinking and looking around for me to remember I was at Miles house. Asher was walking towards us grimacing. When he realized we were both watching him he smiled tensely.

  “Sorry, I didn’t know the door opened that easily.” Asher admitted. I waved a hand dismissively.

  “No, it's fine I was trying to come out of it anyway.” Ethan looked at me curiously.

  “Ethan, your Mom's on the house phone. She’s pissed you're not answering your cell.” Asher said, handing Ethan the cordless phone. Ethan winced as he took it. I got to my feet and walked out of the conservatory with Asher.

  “So how did it go?” Asher asked as he closed the conservatory door behind us.

  “We managed to get through the first step.” I began as we walked down the long hall my stomach knotted. “I was almost at the second when I hit a snag.”

  “What’s the second step?”

  “Finding my center, it’s the root of who you are and everything you will become.” My voice got quiet as I remembered seeing myself in the park. “You see everything you are, those big moments in your life that shaped you. You see it in a way that you didn’t then.” I swallowed hard, my eyes on the carpet runner in the hallway.

  “Is that so bad?” he asked gently. I licked my lips before answering.

  “What if who you are, is something far worse than you ever thought you could be?” I bit the corner of my bottom lip looking down the hallway. “What if you are something awful-?” I never got to finish my sentence. A woman burst through the wall in front of us. I jerked back falling on my butt then scooted back a few feet all the while yelling. “Ghost, ghost, fuck a ghost!’ I tried to calm down as she turned and noticed me seeing her. She stepped closer, her color fading in and out. Like a bad signal on an old TV.

  “Please you have to help me! My son!” She begged, her voice frantic. “My son is still in the car!” I watched not feeling anything from her. I got to my feet slowly looking closely at her.

  “What do you mean?” I asked watching her fade in and out again, the color leaching from her then bouncing back. Asher grabbed my arm and tried to pull me back down the hall.

  “No dead Ally, not for another couple days.” He reminded me as he tried to pull me away. I tugged my arm away from him and looked into that woman’s eyes. I felt nothing. She kept fading in and out. That wasn’t normal. I had a horrible thought. I reached for my bracelets and began pulling them off one by one. Asher grabbed my hands stopping me. “Ally don’t!”

  “I just need a peek; something's not right.” I mumbled before pulling off another bracelet. “She’s fading in and out like a radio signal.” I continued taking off the bracelets and handing them to Asher. When I finally felt her it was light, a pressure in my side. Panic in her chest. That wasn’t right. I’d never felt panic from the dead. I pulled another bracelet off. Pain stabbed through my side, my heart stuttered. No, not my heart. Hers. “Holy shit.” The woman nodded tears pouring down her face. My mind went blank, my mouth hanging open like a barn door.

  “My car crashed down on the highway, I went off the road. My son is in the car!” She yelled at me pointing out towards the road.

  “Show me.” I was running down the hall the woman's spirit following right on my heels.

  “Ally!” Asher was to my right as I turned into the living room; I grabbed my jacket and yanked out my keys and cell phone.

  “Car wreck!” I shouted, running for the front door. I heard other feet behind me. “She’s not fucking dead yet!” I shouted behind me as I yanked the door open and ran for my Blazer. I jumped into the driver's seat. The woman jumped through the wall of the truck and knelt between the front seats. I had just started the truck when the passenger side opened and Asher jumped in. My heart raced as he slammed the door shut and I gunned it. I tossed my phone to Asher. He held on for dear life as I raced down the driveway. “Call Rory!” The front gate opened, and I was through almost scraping paint as we went by. “Where did you wreck?”

  “About a mile east, just past the freeway sign. We’re off the road.” Her voice was shaking. She was still fading in and out so I was guessing her body was still alive. I repeated to Asher the location as I turned left onto the freeway. Tires squealed as I pushed down the accelerator. Come on, come on, don’t let me be too late. Please God. For once in my life, don’t let me be too late. It felt like it was taking forever but I later learned it had only taken us five minutes from the front door to the crash site. I saw burned tire marks in the road leading off into the trees. “Here!” I hit the brakes. I threw on my hazards and jumped out of the truck. The woman ran in front of me down the side of the road. Heart in my throat I followed ignoring the underbrush. The car wasn’t far, just far enough to not be seen from the road at night. The blue sedan was bashed around as if it was made out of play dough. Adrenaline pumping I ran to the driver side and yanked the door open. She was sitting there, seat belt strapped across her chest, a head wound, and blood pouring out of her side. A sharp piece of blood soaked metal lay in her open hand. I heard crying.

  “Mommy!” A little boy’s voice was crying, big sobbing tears. Asher reached us.

  “You take care of him, I’ve got her.” I told him calmly as I ripped my shirt open, tore it off and started pushing against her side trying to stop the bleeding.

  “Hey buddy, my name is Asher, and that’s Lexie, we’re here to help.” Asher told the kid in the back seat. I heard him open the door.

  “I want Mommy.” I looked across the car at the woman’s soul and met her eyes.

  “Your Mommy’s hurt right now honey, I’m taking care of her.” I told him in my most soothing voice. I pressed everything I had against the wound. I wasn’t going to let her go anywhere.

  “Is the ambulance on the way?” I asked grunting with effort, hot blood covering my hands. Asher stopped consoling the little boy long enough to answer me.

  “Yeah, a couple minutes out.” He went back to talking to the kid. His name was Joshua, but his mom called him Joshy. He liked dinosaurs and the color green. He had a friend named Marty who had a big pool at his house. And he wanted to be a dinosaur finder when he grew up. Asher kept asking him questions, getting him to calm down enough that he wasn’t sobbing hysterically. I noticed the woman's spirit’s color getting stronger. A weight settled in my chest, my stomach knotting.

  “Asher get him out of here.” I kept my eyes on her soul.

  “I don’t know if I should move him.”

  “Can he move his arms and legs?” I asked getting desperate, I had to talk to the woman and I couldn't do it in front of the kid.

  “I’m not risking it Ally.” He shot over his shoulder, fair enough. I looked the woman’s soul in the eyes.

  “Don’t you fucking dare.” I growled low. “Your son is sitting right behind you. You fucking fight until you have nothing left to get back to him.” The woman's gaze went to the back seat.

  “Yeah it sucks, it hurts and you're tired. But your son will remember this day for the rest of his life.” I pushed all my weight against the woman’s wound. I felt her blood run down my forearms. “It’s up to you whether or not it has a good ending or a bad one.” I heard sirens coming down the freeway. I refused to look away from her face. “Make the decision now. Is this the day he’s going to hear his mother die in front of
him, or is this the day that his mother fought to stay?” I heard tires screeching on the road. Come on woman make the right fucking choice. Don’t leave your kid here. The woman's soul met my eyes again, hard determination glowing in her eyes. She looked down at her body and slipped back inside. Relief left me shaking; I focused on keeping the pressure on.

  “Down here!” Asher was shouting. I kept talking to the little boy’s mother.

  “You got this honey, it's going to suck. But it’ll be worth it when you see him grow up and find dinosaur bones.” I heard feet crashing through the brush. I saw lights shooting through the night, running over the car and us. The first paramedic came to me first; he took a quick look and knelt on the ground next to me.

  “Keep the pressure on.” He said in a calm voice as he opened his kit.

  “No shit.” I growled pushing even more of my weight onto the wound. He pulled out a lot of large gauze pads and began covering my shirt with it. I shifted a hand here and there pushing the pad against the wound as we tried to stop the bleeding. I don’t remember how long it was till the second paramedic came to take my spot. I made him repeat three times that he was pushing on the wound before I let go. I slipped out from under his arms and stepped away; now that I didn’t have a job to do, I was shaking. I became sharply aware that I was cold, and barefoot. I shivered and looked around me. Another ambulance had arrived; the other paramedics were bringing down a backboard from the road. I spotted Rory coming down the embankment in gray sweatpants and university shirt. The paramedics were talking into the radios on their shoulders as they put a neck brace on the woman. The bleeding stopped soaking through the bandages that’s when I knew she was going to be okay. I knew it was okay to let her go now, she wasn’t going anywhere. I moved towards Rory, trying to get out of the way of the other paramedics coming in. I winced as rocks bit into my feet. Rory met me halfway to the road. His eyes ran over me, his face white.