Avoiding Mr Right

by Anita Heiss

  Dannie was glassy-eyed from the wine; I could see that she agreed. Alice, on the other hand, was thrilled. Liza was unaware, tearing pages off her steno pad, writing headings, handing pages to each of us – the perpetual lawyer.

  'Right, seeing as you are the only one at the table who thinks there is some strength to you going to Melbourne, perhaps you should start, Peta. Alice, would you like to do the weaknesses?'

  Alice gave me a huge smile as she took her page. 'Oh, if I have to,' she said sarcastically.

  'That will be sooo hard for you, won't it, Missy.' I could see she was going to try and slaughter me.

  'Peta, you'll have a chance to rebut with the opportunities,' Liza said.

  'Gee, thanks.' I was thinking I had better sober up quick smart.

  'And Dannie, I know you're just dying to list the threats.' Liza had that look in her eye: she knew something entertaining was coming with Dannie in one corner and me in the other.

  'Yes, as a mother I've become very good at threats.' And there was Dannie with the humour that I knew I would miss in Melbourne.

  'More drinks, ladies?' The restaurateur was standing at the table rubbing his hands.

  'Do we look like we need more, Andy?' Alice asked.

  'You look gorgeous is all I know.'

  'What? Have you been drinking too?' I joked.

  'That's not very nice. I meant that sincerely.'

  'Another round,' Dannie said. It was her once-a-month outing and she always made the most of it.

  'Dessert, ladies?' We all held our bellies, as if to say, I'm so full.

  Dannie succumbed first. 'I'll have the banoffee pie.'

  'Me too,' the rest of us said, suddenly with room for more.

  We all watched Andy walk off.

  'He's nice, eh?' Dannie said.

  'What? You shopping are you, sis? What about George?'

  'George says it doesn't matter where I get my appetite, as long as I eat at home,' she said as she started on her list.

  We all put our heads down, determined to prepare our cases.

  'Okay, Peta, I'm the judge and jury, and you can go first. I want you to present the case for the strengths. You have three minutes.' All of a sudden our boozy lunch had become another of Liza's life-changing workshops and it was nowhere near as much fun when the sides weren't even. It was three against one – against me.

  'Well, the main strength is that this job will make me both professionally and personally happy, and I guess that should be enough, but clearly it's not for you ladies, so let me go on. I'll talk about the job proper in the opportunities category shortly, but there are other strengths. Melbourne has fabulous shopping – have you heard of Toorak Road, Chapel Street, Collins Street? Yes, I'm looking forward to going shopping for shoes and other gorgeous pieces of clothing, with my pay increase, but I do hope I can fit into my new clothes, because I'll be spending my nights trying out the fabulous food in Melbourne along Lygon Street and Johnston Street and, as I plan to live in St Kilda, will probably be eating a lot of cakes on Acland Street, too. Now, as I'll be working in the arts and culture, I will definitely be visiting the live music venues, Crown Casino, the galleries, the theatre and, of course, the numerous wine bars. All in the name of professional development, you know. As part of my cultural research, I'll also have to check out some sports, like the AFL, which is a religion in Melbourne. Doing that will be a drag – having to watch gorgeous men with long lean bodies and muscly arms running around for hours getting sweaty. Actually, why haven't we ever been to a game here?'

  We all looked out the window at the rugby oval. In winter it was full of solid men wearing headgear and long-sleeve jerseys.

  'Oh that's right, you gals prefer to watch league and union. That's okay, that's a very Sydney thing to do. Keep enjoying it next season.

  'And finally, while I'm not looking for a man, as you know, I do think it's a strength to have more single men around. I honestly believe there's too much oestrogen in Sydney! And it's not all from the women.'

  The girls looked startled by this diatribe, but they laughed. Andy had pulled up a chair at our table and gave me a round of applause.

  'Alice, you can counter now with the weaknesses,' said Liza.

  'Oh yes please, but let me preface my words by saying that I love you, Peta. I think I speak for us all when I say we all love you.' She looked towards the others, who raised their glasses in agreement. 'Here, here!' they toasted.

  'So with that in mind,' she continued, 'I do need to point out that a weakness of your plan is that you'll be leaving behind those who love you and I don't just mean James, but us too. And that's not all you'll be leaving behind. Look!' She gestured over the balcony at the shimmering ocean of Coogee and we all knew she was right. My entire life, from Coolangatta down to Sydney, I'd lived with stunning coastline right on my doorstep.

  'Next: you don't play or even like sport, so the AFL will be of no use to you, religion or not, especially given you're an atheist. As for entertainment, the last band you saw was a cover band at the Coogee Bay, and as for casinos, you're always bagging the aunts on the pokies. Since when have you become a gambler or even condoned such gambling dens? And as for food, we have Norton Street, and our own Spanish Quarter – correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you have your birthday there last year? And that dress you're wearing today, wasn't I with you when you bought it? Yes, that's right, on Oxford Street, Paddington.

  'And sorry for pointing out the obvious, lovey – Melbourne might have the MCG but Sydney has the world's number one best harbour and its bridge. We have the Sydney Opera House, remember? Home of the first recorded corroboree, Bangarra opening night, and the Deadlys, as you always point out to others. Sydney has great national parks, the Rocks, the world's best New Year's Eve fireworks and what about our beaches? Oh sorry, yes, I might have mentioned them already.'

  'Melbourne has beaches!' I proclaimed and they all laughed, including Andy, who was a surfer.

  'You can't swim at Melbourne beaches, Peta,' Alice said sternly.

  'And you certainly can't surf,' Andy added, getting up for more wine.

  'You'll have to travel way out of Melbourne to get a nice, clean beach. You could swim and surf three hundred metres from here right now if you wanted to.' Alice was on fire. 'And you'd have more sunny weather to swim in here too. Have you even considered the weather?'

  I'd been waiting for that. Of course I'd considered the weather, it was one of the reasons I loathed Melbourne – stifling hot in summer and grey and gloomy for too many months in winter. But I had some ammunition, or at least I thought I did.

  'I have indeed. Did you know that Sydney gets more rainfall than Melbourne, so the idea of it raining in Melbourne all the time is a myth?'

  'Actually, lovey, it's not.' Alice sounded slightly condescending. 'We might get more rain, but ours falls in one big hit usually, where theirs falls lighter and over longer periods, which is why it seems like it's always grey and wet down south. You're gonna have to do better than that. But while you're thinking of how to argue against me, let me remind you also that you have absolutely no friends down there.'

  'Great rebuttal, Alice,' Liza cut her off finally. 'Now, Peta, you have the chance to put forward all the opportunities you'll have by moving to Melbourne. Time starts now.' Liza was impressive as a mediator. As long as I could get the lawyer onside, the others would be a pushover.

  'The real opportunity is this job. It's an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to play a significant role in a new department, managing a team, and getting the sort of direct experience which could one day lead me to holding the portfolio. I'll get to travel, especially to remote communities in the western desert where a lot of our internationally acclaimed artwork is coming from. You can't argue against that, none of you can.' They nodded because they knew I was right.

  'The contract is only for one year, in which time I'll set up the team and oversee the introduction of some new systems, write policy and implement some
groundbreaking cultural projects and programs. I reckon I can stay out of the local Black politics for a while. I can just be a Murri on loan and not be expected to have an opinion about who's Black, who's not Black, where the boundaries are, which land council I should join and so on. Actually, it will be a little holiday from Black politics – yes, that's what it'll be.' They all laughed, because they knew what a ridiculous idea that was.

  'Yeah, you're right, not political at all,' Alice said. 'I reckon you'll be made a spokesperson before you know it.'

  'Dannie, I think we need to move on to the threats before Peta talks us all into moving to Melbourne with her just for career opportunities and cakes and AFL players,' Liza said, hinting that I was doing well in the debate. My day was starting to lighten up a bit.

  'Let me start by saying to you, Peta, that you need to be prepared for the Melbourne vs. Sydney argument when you head there,' Dannie said, licking the last of the banoffee pie off her spoon.

  'What? You think the argument hasn't started here already? You girls haven't stopped since I mentioned the move.' Completely ignoring me, Dannie went on. 'Personally, I've never met a city suffering such low self-esteem. And that's because when you exist on the fringes of greatness, it's hard not to want to try and assert your identity.'

  'Wow, that's a little philosophical, isn't it?'

  Dannie was always trying to remind us that she had a degree – even if she had no use for it at home, pumping out kids.

  'So that's your comeback is it, Peta? Well, I won't even bother.' She was offended but I didn't have time to repair the damage as Andy piped up.

  'What about me?' he asked. 'Don't I get a say in the Sydney vs. Melbourne thing?'

  'Girls?' Liza looked to the three of us, seeking our approval. We all nodded.

  'Please, give us your five cents' worth, Andy, but if we don't like it, we're not paying for the last round of drinks,' she said.

  'The last hour of drinks have been on me anyway, ladies, so I don't care if you like what I have to say or not,' he laughed. 'Look, Melbourne might be great for food, fashion and a wide range of moody, intimate bars for a single girl to haunt, but really, I prefer Sydney. It's much more like New York City, everything's open twenty-four hours, and Peta, you can't beat the harbourside glitz.'

  Alice and Dannie looked at each other smugly, as if they'd just won the national debating competition in high school. Liza made a few notes, then looked up. 'Right, as judge and jury, and having taken into consideration all the arguments, I'd say the debate is a draw,' she said, to my relief.

  'Please, can I have the pages as a memento of our last supper?' And I collected all the stray bits of paper. Truth be known I agreed with everything the others had said, but I could never admit it – it would kill all my arguments for going. I just hoped that I'd start to believe my own arguments over the next twelve months.

  'Look, it's only for a year, anyway. I'll be back splashing in the surf and building sandcastles with you all again before you even learn to spell out the department's name in full. The only difference is when I come back I'll be able to move into a higher level in the department here, and I'm really looking forward to that.'

  'Yeah, and then you'll be off to Canberra to be the minister of all things sporty, arty-farty, darky and reffy,' Alice said. 'Can I say reffy? Anyway, at least Canberra's only three hours away. Why don't you just go straight there? Then we could drive down there every couple of months to see you. Actually, seeing as there are no Spanish or Italian quarters in Canberra, and no Chinatown, and shit shopping and no sport, and it's bloody freezing, you'll have to be doing the driving back to Sydney to see us instead!'

  'Jesus, I haven't even gone to Melbourne and you've already got me moving to Canberra too. Give me a break, will you?' I was exhausted.

  Dannie was still stewing a bit and took a shot at me. 'You do realise, Miss I-Can-Do-Everything-and-Suddenly-Love-Melbourne, that you don't become minister by being department head. You have to join a political party.'

  I pulled a card from my wallet.

  'It's all under control, joined up a few months ago, and when I get back I'll be meeting with our very own local member here, Mr Garrett of the bald-headed variety, for some mentoring. I've got some years to go, but I'm on the right track.'

  'Yes well, it will take years, because he's already the local Labor member so you'll have to wait till he's gone.' Dannie was being a bit catty, but I deserved it.

  'Girls, girls, lay off sis here,' Liza said. 'We should be supporting her. It's her dream job, she gets a pay rise to do more shopping, and when we get bored we can go visit her and hang out.'

  'Yeah, they probably sell some really groovy rain gear and galoshes so you'll be fine!' I said, and laughed – more at Liza saying 'sis' than anything else. It always sounded funny when whitefellas used our jargon, and talked about mobs and stuff, but I never said anything. I always wondered how the white girl with the Italian heritage came across at the Aboriginal Legal Service; I hoped they loved her as much as I did.

  'I think we should toast the future Minister for Cultural Affairs who will one day be President of the Republic of Australia. To Peta!' Alice led the toast.

  'To Peta!' Liza and Dannie echoed.

  'To me!' I raised my glass to theirs. I'd miss the girls, Coogee and Sauce.

  'Okay ladies, more drinks?' Andy asked, and opened another bottle at the table. I'd miss him too. He was young and gorgeous, and cheeky as all hell. 'I'm good for a spoon,' he'd throw into any conversation.

  'Do we look like we need more, Andy?' I asked.

  'Lots more,' he laughed.

  'Then fillerup!'

  'Peta,' Alice said, running a lip gloss wand across her bottom lip, 'I have a deadly young cousin in St Kilda. Her name's Josie and she's soooo cool. I'll hook you up with her and she can show you around, I know she'd love it. Just don't mention it to Mum, okay?'

  'Why?'

  'Trust me, just don't.'

  three

  NO sex, NO ciggies and

  NO-ONE calling me babe!

  'So how's it going to work then, you in Melbourne and me here without you, all alone, with no-one?' James was half joking but in his eyes I could see he was heartbroken. We sat in my one-bedroom flat with dozens of boxes already packed, huge mounds of clothes in garbage bags waiting to be deposited in the clothing bin (if they survived Alice's rummaging), piles of recycling needing to go downstairs, and depressingly bare walls. I was going to miss my little piece of surfside paradise, and I knew that James would too. His own place was in the inner west, where the temps were always much higher and the air more stifling in summer.

  I was taking a break from packing, watering the collection of small plants the neighbours and my landlord had given me over the years. I'd have to leave them behind and wanted to ask James if he'd like them, but it wasn't the right time. There were bigger issues to deal with than my orphaned plants.

  'Firstly, you're not alone,' I told him. 'You've got all your mates, and Gary and Alice would love you to drop in occasionally, you know that. Secondly, it's just twelve months, which is nothing in the big scheme of things. Thirdly, we'll ring and Skype and email and text, and we can have weekend visits. I'll have work trips to Sydney. It might even be exciting seeing each other just once a month.'

  'Once a month? That's enough for you?'

  'Stop it, James, stop nagging me. I'm about to uproot my life to another state and I don't need all this emotional blackmail crap. For God's sake. I'm trying to be realistic about how we might manage it – both of us, not just you, but me also.' I started to cry. 'I'm leaving my friends and the place I've called home for ten years. I'm scared as hell. You're supposed to be the man, the strong one, and I feel like I'm carrying the load for both of us.'