by Wood, A. L.
“I saw you checking me out. I’m not interested, so please stop undressing me with your eyes.”
“Everyone’s always interested love, but that’s okay, I’ll let you off the hook, for now.” I grin.
She wants this.
“Are you guys ready to go or what?” Zepp comes barging in the living room, interrupting the conversation I was having with Raven. “Everyone is outside waiting on you two, Natalie, Ryan, Temperance, Layla and Liam have already shown up. So get your asses out here.”
Raven follows Gage out and I follow close behind. Sitting in the driveway is a black cargo van. “What do we need this for?” I ask walking up to Ryan.
“Today is the only day that Natalie and I could get away, so we thought we’d rent a van for all of us to fit in and do some touristy things. Natalie nor Layla have had time to explore LA and I doubt Abagail or her friends have either, right?” he asks Abby.
“No we haven’t, but we were planning on it. We’d be happy to join, if that is okay.” Abagail replies.
“Of course you guys can join us. Ryan and I already picked a few spots to explore, so climb in.” Liam yells out from the driver side window.
“Does he have to drive?” I complain while climbing in. I choose the very last row in the van.
“I rented the van, my names on the paperwork, so yes I have to drive it.” Liam answers.
It’s not long before we read Ryan’s intended first spot of exploration. Universal Studios. The girls yapped the first part of the trip and the end part they spent guessing on where Liam was driving us to.
“I went ahead and got VIP passes. If I hadn’t this stop would last the whole day. We’d have to fight through the masses just to experience any part of the tour.” Ryan informs us all. “We’ll have our own guide and be given a tour behind the scenes, beyond the regular tour. We have to get this done in under two hours. I have two more stops planned. If you guys want to make it to those two places, you’ll move at a decent speed. Understand?”
We all agree.
“I’m Veronica and I will be your tour guide for today here at Universal Studios Hollywood. If you would all do me a favor and partner up, that would be great.” Our tour guide directs us into pairs.
Raven’s my partner for the duration of the tour. Great. I look over to her to gauge how she feels about it and surprisingly her face is wearing a beaming smile. Maybe today won’t be so bad after all.
We first visited the special effects stage where we learned a bit about computer generated imagery and 3D technology. Raven was in awe of how they created movies.
“I’m in shock. Some of those movies that used CGI, tricked me. I didn’t know that they used that sort of thing in the movie The Labyrinth.”
“So you thought those weird characters were what exactly? Real people? Or poppets?”
“Oh, damn you, you know what I mean.”
“I couldn’t resist.” I said as I grabbed her hand and lead her the way the group was going, the opposite way she was headed. I didn’t let go though, even as we caught up.
“If you will all take a pair of glasses and follow me. Natalie, you can bring the stroller in and wheel her next to your seat, okay? Just make sure it’s at least a foot away from your chair.” Our guide says to us as she leads us into what looks like a move theater.
Although, it’s probably the best movie theater I’ve ever visited. Its seats are located on levels, rising behind each other, so there was no way Liam’s head could block my view. The chairs were cushioned and the distance between the rows allowed for room without cramping your legs. Raven sat down next to me.
“Have you ever experienced a 3D ride? They’re fun, the downer is that they’re always short and you wished it was for the length of an entire movie.”
She slips her glasses on.
“I’ve always wanted to, but haven’t had the chance.”
“Why didn’t you warn me that I would be feeling what I was seeing on the screen? A punch to the back, really? Can they even do that to people, is it legal?”
“Stop you’re complaining. It was fun. It didn’t actually hurt you. Also remember when we were getting our passes? We had to sign a waiver. I’m sure that included getting punched in the back by a chair equipped with the technology to do so.”
“You didn’t warn me so now you owe me a back rub to make up for the ache that stupid ass chair just made.”
“Fine, as long as you stop complaining.”
How did we reach this place? The place where Raven was smiling and happy and enjoying herself. I’m not sure what brightened her mood after this morning, but whatever it was, I hope it happens every morning that she’s here with us.
We go on a few rides and get to interact with a few animals that have been in films before Ryan and Liam cart us off to another place they’ve put on the list for exploration.
“TMZ Hollywood Tour? This has to be one of the sickest fuckin’ jokes you’ve played Liam.”
Everyone’s laughing, but me. Turns out Liam bought out every single seat on the double decker bus tour. Forgive me, but I find it laughable that we as celebrities would line the pockets of a company that employs people whose jobs are to annoy us. To infiltrate and discover whatever we might have lurking around. Us, Steele’s Army on a TMZ Hollywood Tour feels like an oxymoron. It just doesn’t go.
Liam parks the van and we all unload. Yes, me too- a sick part of me is curious as to what they show people on these tours. We walk to the area where we board the bus, sitting on the lower deck because of Temperance. It’s better she get less sun.
The bus drives around famous Hollywood hot spots, most I’ve visited numerously myself. Not that I comment that out loud. Personally, I would say it was a waste of money, only because anyone could get in their own car and conduct the drive themselves and see the same things.
Hell, I could conduct this tour personally and provide much more information than the guide was.
“All in all, I think you guys got to experience some of the better tourism options in Los Angeles. What did you think?” I ask Raven as we set the table for dinner.
Our last stop was the Hollywood Walk of Fame, an intricate part of LA. The girls were over the moon and spent the rest of the afternoon walking up and down, searching for their favorite stars and taking pictures.
It was exhausting.
“I enjoyed myself. It was really nice of them to think of us, planning a day like that.”
“Well, I’m happy you enjoyed yourself.”
“Me too. Listen, I’m sorry about this morning. I don’t know what has gotten into me lately, but I’m trying to figure it out. Truce?”
“No hard feelings here. And yeah, truce I guess.”
“I’m going to go change and find Abagail before dinner is ready. I guess I’ll meet you back here.” She says before running away.
“If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.” - J.M. Power
Chapter Eight
I run up to my room and change into a blue V-neck tee-shirt and a pair of light blue jeans before searching for Abagail. Today was nice, and I enjoyed spending time with Jason. He’s so easy-going and friendly. It’s odd that he’s some huge rock star, yet he makes me feel so at ease and isn’t intimidating at all, unlike Ryan. He oozes intimidation.
“Abagail.” I say while knocking on Gages bedroom door.
“Yeah.” she says as she opens the door.
“I know you’re probably exhausted and want to spend some time with Gage after dinner and all, so I thought I’d come searching for you now. I just wanted to say thank you for last night. I’ve been thinking about what you said all day and I can’t get it out of my head. You were right, and I think it’s time to let go of the ties that are drowning me. I don’t know how I’m going to do it yet, but I will. I wanted to say thank you for being there, for being a friend and that I don’t hate your job. I was only acting like that because I didn’t want you to leave me. I didn’t know how I w
ould cope with not having you near. I’m sorry and I love you.”
“I didn’t say those things to be mean or hurtful. I only said it because I care about you and want to see you alive, in the here and now. Not the past. I love you too and I’m happy you’re going to start making changes.”
She pulls me in for a hug. I clutch her back.
“I’ll see ya down there.”
After dinner, everyone goes back to their rooms, tired out from the adventurous day we’ve had. Everyone except for Jason.
“What do you have to drink around here?” I ask Jason while going through his cabinets.
“Well for starters, we don’t keep our liquor in here. It’s kept in the man cave. Second, you have a temper. I’m not sure I should let you drink anything alcoholic, for safety reasons of course.”
The nerve. “Oh, shut it. I’m not going to start plotting your murder after a few shots. That would take an entire bottle.”
He gulps.
I laugh. Loudly and embarrassingly so.
“That’s beautiful.”
“What is?”
“You. Your laugh. You laughing.”
I feel the heat of his words creep across my face, leaving a pink tint in its wake.
“Like you haven’t heard someone laugh before.” I say uncomfortably.
“No, you’re right. I’ve heard many people laugh before, just none of those people were you. Didn’t know you had it in you, Rave.”
Of course now he wants to use that name.
“So you think were friends now?”
“Why would you assume that?” he says shortly.
“Well I only allow my friends to call me Rave.”
“I don’t have to be allowed to do anything. I’ll do as I please, including calling you Rave. Back to drinks, if you want one you have to promise that you won’t murder me in a rage of temper and you have to promise not to wreck anything in this house.”
“I’ll let the name thing go for now, if you give me a drink and I promise I won’t murder you or destroy anything in your house.”
He leaves the kitchen for a moment and comes back with two bottles of liquor, one rum and the other vodka. “Also another warning, I don’t hold hair nor do I rub backs. If I were you I would watch how much you can drink, unless you know your tolerance, because if you get sick I’m out. My stomach cannot handle vomit of any kind from anyone.”
“I’m not new to drinking, Jase…I’ll be fine on my own.”
“Just remember what I said.”
Three rum & cokes later Jason and I are sprawled out on the grass outside staring at the stars. I’ve fallen under the haze of alcohol, but without the sickness. When I drink I can go one of two ways, emotionally. I can become angry and irrational. Other times, like now, I can become reminiscent on opportunities wasted or how I wish my past didn’t control who I was.
“What are ya thinkin’ about?” Jason interrupts my thoughts.
“Do you believe in God, Jason?”
“I guess I do. I mean I don’t attend church every Sunday or read the written word, but I believe there’s something out there greater than us. There has to be, right? If I didn’t believe that then I’d have a lot of questions unanswered. Do you believe?”
“I don’t know. Part of me wants to. I want to hope that there’s something great out there. That there’s things we have to go through in our lives for a reason. That reason being that somehow we learn from it and become stronger. The other part of me thinks that there isn’t any such thing as an entity, because I shouldn’t have had to go through what I’ve had to.”
“I don’t think you’re looking at it the right way, Raven. There has to be something. If there wasn’t, then what is all of this for?” he asks, lifting his hands up and circling the air. “This would be all for nothing, we would be for nothing. You can’t question God because of your life, because of your past or the current.”
“Sure I can. I can question whatever I want.”
“You’re not questioning it for the right reasons. You’ve only brought this up because you’re mad at the world, Raven, and you want to be mad at God. I don’t know what’s happened to you then or what’s going on inside of that pretty little head of yours now, but you can’t place the blame on someone that isn’t at fault.”
I should just end the conversation here, before my drunken mouth reveals much more about myself than I had intended it to. Before I reveal something of myself I haven’t revealed to anyone.
“I think I can be mad at whomever I want, Jason. If there were an entity or a God, then why would he have given me to my parents? Why would God have chosen them? They weren’t ready for a child. I don’t think they ever would have been. But they got me anyway. They got me and then they hurt me, they never wanted a kid. If there were a God, then why didn’t he save me from them?”
“Raven, you have to stop being mad. I’m a strong believer in the saying that you only receive what God believes you can handle. If he didn’t think you’d be able to handle it, you wouldn’t have gone through it. And you did, look at you, you’re laying down next to me in the fuckin’ grass, in the damp fuckin’ grass. You got through it, didn’t you? You’re here, you made it.”
“No one’s ever put it that way I guess.” I pat my hand around the grass between our bodies until I find his hand. I grab his finger at first and squeeze gently.
He doesn’t move his hand.
So I wrap my hand around his and leave it there.
We lay under the stars holding hands for what feels like hours in silence. Just saying that, voicing my anger over the predicament of my life, it felt good.
It made me feel weightless.
Like the heaviness I was carrying in my chest, around my heart was lifted.
It felt good.
How is it that someone I’ve only been around three days can make this much progress with me?
“There’s something about you.” I voice my thoughts.
“Oh yeah…what is that something?” he asks while rolling to his side facing me.
“I don’t know. I’m confused really. I haven’t known you but mere days and yet, I feel so comfortable around you. It could be the rum and cokes speaking. I don’t know, but I like you, Jason. You’re the first person I’ve met that I’ve liked since I met Selena and Abby. You’re also the first person I’ve opened myself up to, even if it was only a small crack of who I am.”
“You know at the bar, when we first met, I liked you. But then when I picked you up from the airport, you were a complete bitch. You carry this anger around with you all the damn time. It must get exhausting, Rave. I’m glad I cracked your shell a little. That’s a start. You need to just live, be here now and in the moment. Forget about everything else. Think about yourself and your health. It’s not healthy carrying that baggage of anger around with you. You need to let it go.”
“I don’t know how.” I admit.
“You talk about it, you get your emotions out, tell someone. You could talk to me. You also have Abby and Selena. I know they’d listen to you whenever you needed. I go back on tour soon, but I’m always a phone call or text away. I wouldn’t ignore you, Raven. Talk to a counselor. Go to Church if you think it would help. You’re not living with this inside of you.”
“I’m going to start. I know I’m buzzing right now, but I mean it. I’m going to start living. Right now.”
I roll over onto my side facing Jason. I unwrap my hand from his and slowly run my fingers through his hair. He gasps. Not expecting my touch.
I scoot my body closer to his, our faces only inches apart. I look into his gorgeous hazel eyes and pause, only for a second. I’m going to do this. I am going to kiss him, but only once. What I intended to be a gentle kiss, turns out being a passionate I-need-you-like-I-need-air kiss. I place my lips upon his firmly, coaxing him with my tongue to open his lips. He doesn’t until I tug on his hair, and when he does….I moan at his taste. I thrust my tongue in, tasting the coconut rum on hi
s tongue.
I should stop.
But I don’t stop.
I can’t stop.
I’m living for the right now.
I’m living.
“Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” - Dale Carnegie
Chapter Nine
I pull away from her. “Raven what are you doing? What are we doin’?” I ask her, my fingers still tracing her jaw.
“We’re living.” she answers.
“I think you should take baby steps with that. Obviously you’ve got a lot of shit on your plate, Raven. I don’t think kissing me is going to fix everything. You can’t just simply move on from whatever it is that you’ve got inside of that pretty little head of yours.”
“Haven’t you ever had something in your life that threatens to define you? That questions your beliefs, your faith and yourself?”
I roll away from her face onto my back, no longer able to keep holding her stare. One that burns with rejection. I’ll admit, I am attracted to her, and when she’s not so pissed off like tonight for instance, or the first night that I met her, I feel a strong connection with her that isn’t all about attraction.
Like we could both want the same happy ending, the warm bed, and comfort of another. That we have the potential to complete each other, but not yet. First she needs to face her battles head on. Until then, she won’t ever allow herself to find that happiness. She won’t feel that she deserves it. I’m not a psychologist and I don’t have a degree, but I’ve seen it more than enough times to count. Ryan, Gage and Liam are just a few. Each of them believing they don’t deserve what’s at their door, pounding with want of coming in, taking up shelter in the others heart.
“Everyone’s battled something, Raven. Some worse than others. You’ve convinced yourself that you don’t deserve a happy ending. This, between you and I cannot happen until you believe otherwise. I’m looking for the one, the final. If you’re not in the mindset to believe you could be someone, be my one and only final, then how can this go forward? It’s a risk I don’t want to take, starting this between us right now. Find yourself first, Raven, then come find me.”