by Wood, A. L.
I rise up from the ground, leaving her there flat on her back staring at the stars.
“Someday, I’ll find you Jase.”
“In that case, I’ll be holding on, forever.”
I shut the patio door and walk up to my room. Slamming the door shut, locking the door after as a false barricade to prevent myself from going back outside and fucking her right on our lawn.
She and I have a connection, but for her it’s not the right time. If she still feels like this after she finds herself. Finds out who she is without carrying that anger around, then I’d be willing to discover where a relationship between us can go.
Something inside of me, maybe it’s just a gut feeling, tells me that she’s worth waiting for.
“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.” - Dr. Denis Waitley
Chapter Ten
We stay in Los Angeles for two more days. That time, though, is spent with Abagail. Apparently, the guys had some unplanned business they had to rush out to complete. They had to take off to New York and wouldn’t be back until after we had already left. I wish that I had enough time to end things on a good note between Jason and I. Closure, for lack of a better word, would have been nice.
Our conversation that night was an eye opening one. What Abby had said was something I had needed to hear, and the conversation between Jason and I was also a must. I realized that the pain I harbor isn’t going to go away overnight, that it’s going to take forgiveness and therapy.
I am going to have to move past it.
Let go.
It won’t happen today, and I’m fairly certain it won’t happen tomorrow or in the days following, but one day, it will happen and that’s the day I will find inner peace. Faith isn’t something I’ve had a lot of through the years. Every time something would happen, be it my mother beating me down or my father looking away from the abuse, it would slowly nick away at the faith I had stored up. I don’t know where my parents are now and normally I wouldn’t care, but I know that moving forward I’m going to have to see them. I’m going to have to forgive and somehow try to forget.
We spent the two days leading up to our departure surrounding the pool outside of the guys house. We caught up with Abby and where she and Gage were at, which was looking quite serious. I told Selena and Abby about mine and Jason’s rendezvous outside, how I wanted to change, and how I was going to get there.
I had their complete support, and of that I couldn’t be more grateful, or have felt more lucky to have such amazing friends. Friends, that not only once saved me from my parents, but are now saving me from my self.
“I wish you guys didn’t have to leave. I’ve really enjoyed having you both around.” I cringe, knowing I’m not the easiest company to entertain. “Raven, you weren’t so bad this time, and I hope the next time we talk it’s going to be about some much needed changes, and you going after them.”
“Don’t worry, I’m already on it. Thank you, for what you said, for bringing us out here. It was needed.” I stop my words, holding tears back, grateful that I have friends like her and Selena.
Abagail pulls me in for a hug, Selena joining right after. We stand like that for minutes, knowing that we’re the constants, always there for one another. When Abby lets go she lifts her head and I see them, the tears, of saying goodbye.
“Well let’s get your shit in the car, yeah?” She laughs the sadness away.
“I’ll miss you too, Abby. We’ve got texts and phone calls, though, and before you know it, you’ll be back close to us.”
“That’s the thing, I’m not sure I’ll be coming back to Boston any time soon. I love Gage and...well, we’ve been talking about taking our relationship further.” She pauses.
“How much further?” I ask, wondering if they’re talking about starting a family already or getting married.
“Just moving in together. Him moving out of here, us getting our own place, our own sanctuary. We want what we have for the long haul. We eventually want marriage and a family, but first we need to learn about each other more. Enjoy our time together, before we hit those steps.”
“Ohh….so have you talked about where you guys would like to settle during the off tour?” I ask while rolling my luggage out behind me, packing it in the back of Jason’s car, next to Selena’s bags.
“We were thinking of getting a place out here, near his family. When we do visit Boston, Ryan and Natalie have made it clear that we’d always have a room.”
“That’s great, for both of you. I wish you’d get a place there, but you’re grown. We all have our lives ahead of us and finding the one doesn’t happen often. You know I wish you the best, and if the best is Gage, then I approve and know that I’ll always be here for you. I love you.”
“He really is the best, Rave. He’s my happiness and I want for you to find someone like that too, but I know you’ve got a lot of loose ends to tie before you can go searching for your happiness. I love you too, that’s why I said the things I did. I only want the best for you too.”
“I know. Let’s catch that flight, I guess. We’ll have to drive out here one of these days, when you guys get your own place and the tour is over, when you have some more free time than just a week.”
“As soon as we move in, you guys will be the first to know.”
“We better.” Selena adds in.
I choose to sit in the backseat of Jason’s car, while Abagail drives Selena and I to the airport. Something about leaving has me feeling nauseous, like I shouldn’t be getting on the airplane. That I should be staying.
That here is where I belong.
How can that be?
“I can’t shake this feeling. I thought once we made it home it would just go away. We’ve been home for nearly a week and it hasn’t left me yet. I can’t stop thinking about him, my body feels torn, and knowing that he said he didn’t want to find out where we could go until I found myself… but this connection, this need for him hasn’t left me. That’s never happened to me, Selena, you know this. I’ve never been shaken by anyone, let alone a man.”
On the flight back, I had told Selena what happened between Jason and I. No, to most people it wasn’t anything monumental or life-changing, but for me it was. He and I shared something more than just words. What passed between us was something more and I couldn’t let go of it the day after and I can’t let go of it now.
I can’t help but wonder if he feels the same as I. Have I been on his mind? Is what I’m feeling just some random fluke, one-sided? That maybe he had just said those things to let me down easy because Gage was in a relationship with Abby. He’s the only one with the answers, but I can’t get up the courage to ask Abagail for his number, let alone calling him or messaging him about it.
“Then call Abby and get his number. You can either sit around thinking about it or you can just call him. Find out. If he doesn’t feel the same way, then you’ll have to find a way to let it go and maybe if by chance he happens to really feel the same way that you do, then go for it. Figure it out. Take it one day at a time. But for fucks sake, just do something!” Selena barks out.
“Well what’s pissed you off?”
“You sitting around here moaning for a week about your lover and not doing anything to change it.”
“I have to get to my appointment. Maybe I’ll call Abby after and find out his number.”
“Good thinking.”
I stopped by Selena’s before I went to my second appointment this week with my newly appointed shrink. It’s something I’ve never tried, and I feel like I’m understood. We’re taking it one step at a time with recovering and forgiving. My shrink believes that I should be ready to go searching for my parents after a few more appointments and she’d like to be there when I do talk to them, which isn’t an easy feat, when I have no idea where they are at this point and I have to somehow get them into her office. I still have a few weeks to work around t
o that, my appointments and my mindset come first, though, before we get to them. It’s not going to happen overnight, the change, but it will happen. Therapy is something I might come to depend on for the rest of my life, not that it’s a problem. A lot of people see shrinks. As I make my way downtown on foot, luckily Selena doesn’t live far from the clinic, I take my phone out and send Abby a quick text message.
Hey, I was wondering if you could hook me up with Jason’s cell number. I have something to discuss with him.
She replies back instantly.
Abby: I’ll make sure it’s okay with him first. If so, I’ll send it.
I reply with a nonchalant and short response, “Okay”, because if it’s not something he’s feeling, there’s no need to get everyone else involved.
"Live out where the real winds blow-to sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whisky, and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind except falling in love and not getting arrested . . . Res ipsa loquitur. Let the good times roll."
— Hunter S. Thompson
Chapter Eleven
Three days earlier….
“Raven and Selena weren’t bugged by us having to leave, were they?” I ask Abagail, trying to get a read about how Raven had felt by me, well Steele’s Army, leaving.
“She seemed okay, I guess. Why are you interested?”
“No reason.”
She gives me a knowing look. I turn around and walk back to my room ignoring it. When I reach my room, I lock my door behind me, grab my laptop, sit on my bed, and begin searching for Raven on Facebook.
Luckily, I booked their flights, so I know what Ravens last name is, which is a great thing by the amount of search results I get if I just type her first name in. There are thousands of Ravens from the look of things. I type her last name in, Reed, and hit the jackpot.
After leaving her lying in our yard that night, one seemingly innocent night with a basic stranger, I couldn’t get her out of my head. We hadn’t gone farther than that one kiss, but apparently that’s all that was needed for me to become addicted.
Her profile is private, so I can’t see any of her posts. I spontaneously decide that instead of using the few days we have before the tour picks up again to relax, I’ll fly out to see her. Tell her how I’m feeling in person. See if she feels the same as I do.
I grab my wallet off my dresser and pull my credit card out, log onto Southwest’s website and book the flight that leaves the soonest out to Boston, which isn’t until tomorrow. I’m going to have to tell Abagail something, if I have a chance at getting Ravens address. How much am I willing to reveal though is the question. I don’t want to disclose why it is that I’m going, in case she isn’t feeling what I am, so no one else becomes involved in something that might not even begin for us.
It’s late, so I pack my luggage, enough for a few days and the clothes I’ll be bringing on tour. That way if things work out the way that I want them to, I can spend what time I have with Raven before flying out to the city that our tour will pick back up in, which happens to be Dallas, Texas.
Today…
I find myself outside of a dingy apartment building that’s in need of some major upgrades. Outside doors that lock, being the most important. Any creep could make their way inside and break into any number of apartments. A security system would also be a wise upgrade. As I walk up the stairs, like Abagail had directed me to, I find myself wanting to move Raven out of here today.
It’s too unsafe, and if on the off chance the owner did decide to do something about the safety, there were also major repairs needed inside that would take months. The stair railing is hanging off the wall, only held on by a screw or two. There’s holes in the walls that haven’t been patched up and are starting to deteriorate.
I can only imagine what her apartment looks like.
After three flights, I find myself at her door, a door that’s on its last days, only attached by one hinge, instead of the needed two.
Well, at least she has a deadbolt.
I take a deep breath and go over what I’m going to say, what I’ve been preparing to say the entire flight and well into last night. I got it yesterday, booked a hotel room, and thought to come by this morning. I needed to prepare myself, not to get my hopes up, in case she didn’t want an us. I needed a game plan.
I knock on the door, once, twice, before I call her name out.
I thought Abagail said she’d be home.
I call Abagail.
She picks up on the first ring. “Hey.”
“I thought you said Raven would be home. I’m at her door knocking and she isn’t here.”
“Hang on, let me call Selena. She might have an idea of where Raven’s at. I’ll text you what I find out.”
“All right.” I hang up and walk back down the three flights.
By the time I reach the bottom floor, my cell dings off due to an incoming text message.
I pull it out of my pocket and read what Abagail had sent.
Abby: She’s at her shrink’s office. I can send you the address if you think you can find it.
Me: I’ll manage to find it.
She sends me the address. I input it into the GPS that came with the rental car I had picked up at the airport. Not wanting to take a cab all the way out to Ryan and Natalie’s place to use one of their cars, then have to bring it back and catch a cab to the airport all over again.
I reach the clinic Raven’s supposed to be at in no time. I find an empty parking spot just outside of the building and fill the meter with quarters. No telling how long she’s been here, or how much longer she plans on being here. I have to say though, when Abagail mentioned that she was at a shrinks, I felt hope kick in, that she had maybe taken what I said seriously and was trying to move forward away from her past and find herself, finding her own happiness.
Hope that maybe I was included in her picture of what happiness was.
I walk into the clinic and approach the front desk.
“I was wondering if you could tell me if Raven Reed is still here.” I say to the older woman.
She moves the mouse to the computer and types something in before answering me, “She should be out shortly.”
“Thank you.” I say while scoping out a seat that has the view of the door leading into the offices.
Minutes pass by before Raven comes out. She looks radiant. Her hair’s down, hanging in waves just above her ass. Sadly, she doesn’t notice me, so I follow her out before trying to catch her attention.
“Raven!” I end up shouting, as she’s already started walking away from me, down the sidewalk.
She turns around quickly, “Jason?” she asks, unsure if what she’s seeing is real I suppose.
She walks back to me, “What are you doing here?”
“Can we go back to your place and have this discussion?”
“Sure, I guess. It’s a bit of a walk, though.”
“I have a car. I can drive us.”
And so I do, drive us to her rundown apartment building. Silence fills the car the entire way.
She leads me up to her apartment, and I wait to say anything until she shuts the door behind us. For such a rundown building, she’s made her apartment home. It’s bright and cheerful, colorful artwork placed strategically on the walls of her living room. All the furniture looks to be restored pieces she’s picked up along the way.
“Would you like a drink?” she asks, pulling me out of the haze I was in.
“Sure, water would be fine.”
She walks through an archway leading to a small alcove that’s supposed to be her kitchen and grabs me a glass of water. When she comes back in she cuts to the chase.
“So, what’re you doing here so far from home?”
“I came here for you. When I left you that night, I thought I was doing the right thing, that I was doing what you needed.”
“You were.” she interrupts me.
There’s that flame of hope in my chest, I think, as my heart star
ts pounding, her words water threatening to douse it.
“I’m here for selfish reasons only,” I proceed to get out what it was that I had planned to say, “I was doing what I thought you needed. In the end, though, I decided to put my needs first, and what I needed was to come here, to you.”
She stays silent, waiting for me to go on.
“I left you telling you that when you found yourself, then you should come find me. I can’t wait for you to find yourself. I can’t wait for you to decide if you deserve to be loved, if you deserve happiness. I just can’t. I came here to tell you that I know I could be part of your happiness, if you just let me.”
“I’m fucked up, Jason. That’s why I was seeing a shrink. My parents, they abused me, it was really bad for a long time. That’s the reason I’m afraid to allow myself to be loved. I’m afraid of opening myself to someone, and I don’t want to make the same mistakes that they did in the future. I’m not sure I could give you what you want.”
“And what is it you think I want?” I ask.
“You’re going to want a family, you’re going to want kids. I can’t promise that I do. I can’t tell you that I might change my mind. I could end up wasting your time.”
“We can cross that road when and if we come to it. I don’t know where we’ll be in six months, in a year, in ten years, if you and I will be something more, but we can try, right? We can see where we go, where this connection takes us. I’ll wait for you, if that’s what you want me to do. I can’t promise forever, but I will hold on.”
A tear escapes and slowly glides down her face, stopping at the corner of her mouth, “You don’t have to hold on forever. We can try… I can try.”