The Search for Ball Zero

by Tony Dormanesh

  “I never gave the evil machine even one chance to steal the ball away from me.” DNA got back into his game and out of the side of his mouth said, “If you could do that forever, you’d be a pinball god.”

  Everything he said made perfect sense in a pinball world, and he demonstrated

  everything right there, as he explained it. It was a pinball clinic like Tommy, The Pinball Wizard would give. Well, if he could talk, and see, and hear. No matter, at that moment, this guy was the only adult in the world that was talking Tony’s language.

  “K, watch this!” He said quickly.

  The ball was in a slow decent, straight down the middle, between both flippers. As the ball got closer it gained speed and DNA shifted his weight. He was only connected to the machine with his left palm, arm bent crooked, and only standing on his left leg, right leg in the air for leverage. He was leaning against the machine with all this weight, pushing from the left to right and holding up the left flipper, waiting for the right moment. The ball came down faster and faster and from every perspective it looked like it was heading straight down the middle. Tony remembered this in slow motion. Just as the ball was passing the held up flipper, he pushed on the machine. The entire pinball machine slid to the left under the pinball, maybe a millimeter, but it was just enough for the tip of the flipper to catch the edge of the ball and change its momentum enough to careen over and bounce around near the right flipper, where he caught it. He had a big smile across his face.

  “It’s all about tiny, tiny distances. The difference of 1 millimeter in pinball

  could be the deciding factor if you score 3 million or 3 billion.” You could hear the passion as he explained, “Just there, most people would’ve lost the ball. It really was going down the middle. But I leaned on the machine with my weight, which isn’t much, but it was enough to make the whole pinball machine lean over a tiny bit. The machine didn’t move, its feet are in the exact same spots, it just leaned. The ball was coming down fast, and is on that slick, greasy playfield, me moving the machine a millimeter to the left didn’t affect the ball's trajectory at all. So, I kind of moved the entire machine under the ball just a millimeter, but that’s all I needed.”

  Tony thought, “Moving the pinball machine under the ball and the ball doesn’t move?!” He was perplexed by the complexities of these simple looking machines.

  He continued with the lessons, “These flippers, especially these nice new ones,

  the rubber on there is super sticky when it comes to touching round metal balls. Also, the rubber gives a little. People don’t think of that, but it does, it’s like a big fat rubber band.

  You need to remember that and think of that while you’re playing.”

  “Yea, you’re right, it looks like a rubber band on there.” Tony’s nose was

  against the glass.

  “Yep. If someone throws a ball to you, you don’t catch it with your arms

  straight out, right?”

  Tony imagined catching a ball, “No.”

  “Same thing with flippers. If you hold the flipper up and the ball hits it, it’s gonna go bouncing around uncontrollably. But if you hold the flipper up, and exactly when the ball touches the flipper, you let go. You’ll catch it every time.”

  “Not every time though. Right?”

  “If you do it at the exact right time, every time, yea.”

  “Wow.”

  “But every time, the exact right time is different. You have to factor in the

  speed of the ball, the strength of the flipper, the age of the rubber on the flipper, the lean of the table if it’s leaning, how dirty the playfield is, the spin of the ball”

  Tony interrupted him for that one, “The spin of the ball? How can you tell?”

  “Exactly. It’s a shiny, featureless, silver ball on a slick surface, 6 inches below

  a pane of glass. It will never look like it’s spinning to the untrained eye, yet it’s one of the most important things to know when you want to know where the ball is going to bounce.”

  “Then how will I be able to tell?”

  “Instinct.”

  “Instinct?”

  “Yea, it’s something I can’t really show or teach you. It’s something that your

  brain calculates faster than you think. It’s like when I was telling about concentrating on the ball and letting your brain do all the complicated stuff. If you continue to play pinball and keep trying to get better, one day you will know. Your brain will calculate the minute changes in direction, cross reference that data with previous, similar experiences and you’ll be able to see it as fast as the light can get to your eyes. Your subconscious brain will be able to predict which direction the ball will bounce. You’ll be able to stare into the ball, and watch it reflect at you, sometimes looking like its barely moving, but you’ll know that that little thing is spinning dozens of times per second.”

  “Yea.” Tony noticed, “No matter how fast it’s spinning it always looks the same.”

  “Yep, pretty wild eh?” A vibrating noise came from DNA’s pants. He reached

  in and picked out a phone, without answering it he exclaimed, “Oh shit! I gotta go. Here, play the rest of my game, I trust you. Rock on little dude. I can tell you’re gonna be an awesome pinball player some day.” He gave Tony a pat on the head and ran off.

  Tony looked down into the perfectly reflective ball. All the lights around the ball shined back at him in reverse. He didn’t know before, but he could look even deeper into the ball and see himself. Wow! It was like a miniature, spherical, funhouse mirror reflecting back at him a psychedelic, MC Escher distorted, color self portrait containing mostly his arms. And it’s always there staring back at him. Tony imagined it was him, in another dimension, the exact opposite dimension. Tony’s evil twin brother playing a game of negative pinball against him, the evil twin scores when Tony loses his ball. “I’m gonna whoop his ass.” Tony thought.

  Suddenly a kid came up to Tony and whispered, “A bullet in the head.” “What?” Tony asked.

  “A bullet in the head.” He said it louder.

  Tony stared at him. The kid’s head started shaking, he put his hands to his mouth like he was holding a mic and yelled. “A bullet in the head!”

  Tony’s eyes opened. Axl and L were standing in front of him, Axl pointing his monkey finger right in Tony’s face. “A bullet in your fucking head!” The song ended.

  21

  CAMP RAWK 5

  L jumped up and down, she was holding a mic, “Fuck yea that was awesome! Tony wasn’t that awesome?”

  “What?” Tony asked, still kind of out of it.

  “That was a sweet cover of Bullet in the Head, right? Did you hear me, I was rockin it!” She said as she grabbed and hugged Axl, Les, Jimi and Moon. She was making friends, music can do that.

  Tony put it together that the band had just played a song while he was dreaming

  about pinball. “Woah, that worm shit is strong!” He thought. He looked over at Perry. He was looking back with the biggest stoned smile ever.

  “What’s up duuude?” Perry muttered.

  Les pointed at Perry, L, Tony and Fozzie,“They smart human. We take to

  King.”

  L pointed out,”The Perry clone, and the pregnant chick are still at the camp. Not

  to mention all of our shit.”

  “The tux guy probably just made it.” Tony laughed.

  Perry got up and walked like a zombie,”Married.” He mocked the tux guy. “Let’s go get our shit first.”Tony said, “How the fuck do we get outta here.”

  “I go with humans.” Axl said.

  Jimi jumped on his shoulder,”Yea, me too man .”

  Les replied,”I tell King good human coming.”

  The band put down their instruments, turned off everything that was on, Moon

  grabbed the bottle of worms, Les grabbed the bottle of jack with his feet, took a swig, then with his foot threw it to Moon, who caught it with hi
s foot, transferred it to his hand and took a swig also. Then Les and Moon took off down a hallway.

  “Where is shit?” Axl asked and they all followed down the hall.

  They walked with Axl and Jimi back to Camp Rawk 5. Everything was still there. Cloned Perry was messing with Perry’s pack. Perry’s girlfriend was bending over, as usual, exposing her perfectly cloned ass and gooch to the world. Nothing seemed amiss, although they had only been gone a few hours. Tux guy was standing there looking happy.

  Axl was surprised,”Dumb humans. You like?”

  Jimi continued,”Yea, man, gotta watch those fuckers.”

  “Why?” Perry asked,”These ones seem ok?”

  “Company track.” Axl answered.”Use to follow.”

  “Ohh shit.” Perry looked at Tony and L. “Fuck, we didn’t know that.” “No come with.” Axl let them know.

  “Aww man, cmon, they’re cool.” Perry argued,”Look at that ass.” He pointed

  towards his girlfriend, the sun shining on her round rear end, ass pointed to the sky, everything showing.

  The primates agreed that it was nice.

  Jimi looked at Axl,”We ask King.”

  They packed up and left Camp Rawk 5. They dismantled the fire pit, hoping to

  make it look as little like a camp as they could with minimal effort.

  They had to cross the river again, this time with their packs. Axl showed them a

  less deep section, which they could walk across, packs over their heads. Axl offered to carry Fozzie, but Fozzie wasn’t having it. Tony put her on his pack and lugged it. After walking a quarter mile or so, Perry looked back. The tux guy was struggling in the river, looking like he would be swept away. Perry laughed at him.

  After walking over another hill and through a valley, the trees starting getting

  much bigger. It started turning from a regular forest into a Redwood forest. It wasn’t a trail they were following, but the path they took started to be steep. Perry lit up a joint and they all smoked as they walked.

  “Good weed.” Jimi stated. Holding a joint that was almost half as long as his

  body. He took big hits for a little monkey.

  Another hour or so. L told stories about concerts they went to. One where Tony was so drunk he got on stage at a Primus show and then got thrown down a flight of stairs by security.

  “Have you guys ever been to a show?” She asked.

  “Only our own.” Axl answered.

  “Your own?” Tony asked back.

  “We do 4 shows a year.” Axle answered again.

  “One for each new season man.” Jimi put in.

  “For whom?” Tony questioned.

  “Us.”

  “Ohh, like the one we walked into?”

  “No. That practice. We play real show.” Axl went on.

  “We play for whole tribe man.” Jimi contributed.

  “The whole tribe?” Perry asked now.”How many is that?”

  “Couple thousand.”

  “Where do you play? Outside?”

  “Mosh Tree.” Jimi said, then after a short pause,”You fucking love man!” He

  gestured with his arms, holding them out wide and creating a half circle over head.

  “There are a couple thousand of your tribe?”

  “Yes. All come to every show.” Axl informed.

  “Mosh Tree?” Tony said, looking at Perry and L “That does sound cool.”

  “Wait, you have a couple thousand monkeys living out here? Where?” “Not fucking monkey!” Axl looked at him.

  “Ok ok. But where can a thousand primates live and not be seen by The Company?” Perry asked again.

  “Here.” Axl said and they stopped walking next to a thick redwood. Jimi

  jumped off his shoulder and scrambled up the tree to one of the first set of branches.

  There was click that came from up where Jimi was. Axl reached behind some pieces of bark and there was another click. Jimi jumped and landed on Axl’s shoulder. An outline of a darkness appeared the tree, in the shape of a door. Axl pushed on it and it slide back into the tree, then slid up. Axl disappeared into the tree.

  “Close door behind.” He said.

  They followed him. He climbed down. Perry first, then L, then Perry’s clone, then Perry’s woman, then Tony. Tony put Fozzie on top of his pack, there was some room and she fit nicely, her dog butt inside the pack, front legs and head sticking out over Tony’s head. As Tony went in, he looked for tuxedo guy, he was no where to be found. Tony pushed on the door, it glided smoothly and closed perfectly into the outer hole, filling the inside with darkness.

  There wasn’t a ladder or anything to grab onto, just a bunch of random foot and hand holds that lined the walls. The packs were pretty heavy and bulky, it would’ve been really hard to climb down with them, but the hole they were climbing down wasn’t very wide, so the humans could use the pack by pressing against the side to create friction so they could rest. The footholds looked like you could go up. Tony looked up, the inside of the redwood was hollowed out, it went up as far as he could see.

  They descended into darkness, following the apes and monkeys.

  22

  KING ALPHA

  At the bottom there was light. A hallway went curving off in both directions. Not very bright lights dotted the long hallways. There was a gorilla at the bottom of the hole. It had a top hat with curly hair coming out of the bottom and round sunglasses. He looked like a gorilla dressed as Slash for Halloween He greeted everyone.

  Perry exited the hole into the hallway and laughed, “Hey, what’s up Slash!”

  The gorilla looked at him, “How know my name?”

  Tony and L exited, Perry laughed again, “Look, it’s Slash!” They looked, they

  had experienced so much craziness in the past few days that a gorilla dressed like Slash was pretty normal to them now.

  When Clone Perry entered the hallway Slash grabbed him, held his face in his hands.

  “Dey cool man. Dey coo.” Jimi said.

  “Clone.” The Greeter said,”No in.”

  “Maaan, take dem to guest room. Lock em in man. We back soon.” Jimi said.

  Axl agreed, “Take dumb Human and dog to guest room. Smart Human, come us. Leave packs.”

  “Man, take Human shit to guest room too Slash.” Jimi said.

  The humans looked at each other. They were pretty sure that these primates

  weren’t going to jack them. But you never know, all their stuff was in those packs. Including their guns. Tony thought about grabbing a gun to take with him, but decided against it. They went with their gut and didn’t upset the scene playing out in front of them.

  Axl grabbed Perry’s face and held it up to the Slash,“Smart Human.” Axl told the greeter. “Where King?”

  “Mosh Tree. King challenged by Big Flea.” “Ohh crap, man, I forgot let’s go!” Jimi was excited.

  “You like this.” Axl said to the smart Humans.

  As they quickly walked down the underground hallways, Jimi explained, “Man, King fight. If want King, must ass kicker.”

  “They’re having a fight to be the Alpha?” Tony thought out loud.

  “Ohh shit.” Perry said.

  “Sounds scary.” L noted.

  “Normal.” Axl said,”We like.”

  “Yea man, it like Human vote. More fun!.” Jimi declared.

  “And no cheat, fair fight.” Axl added.

  All the humans looked at each other and shrugged like “Makes sense.” There

  wasn’t an election in Human history that wasn’t tainted by some sort of cheating.

  They turned a few more hallways, Soon they could hear what sounded like a

  sports crowd. It got louder as they walked closer, then the sound mixed with a rumbling. It felt like they were walking through a tunnel under a football stadium filled with a crowd, just before kickoff. They walked under a carving on the top of the wall, “Mosh Tree.” it said.

  Axl looked
back over his shoulder at the Humans with a big grin on his face, the

  grin said,”I bet you can’t wait to see this!”

  The door opened, they could hear the crowd was rowdy. They weren’t cheering or anything, they were just pumped up. The Humans had to walk a few feet before the stadium opened up and they could see the space. It was sold out, whatever it was. It was indoors, had a dirt floor and what seemed like leaves created the walls and spherical ceiling. The floor was circular, about the size of a high school basketball gym. It didn’t have any seats, everyone on the floor was standing. But all along the walls were branches that served as seats, all the way to the roof. Monkeys traversed the walls as easily as walking on the ground. It looked like some of the best seats were up in the branches.

  “Nice way to maximize the space.” Tony thought.

  “Fucking cool!” Perry said.

  L just looked around in amazement.

  In the middle was a circular ring, no ropes or cages, but it was a big ring, like 2 or 3 boxing rings or UFC octagons put together. The edge of the ring was lined with gorillas, laughing, yelling, punching each other with friendly punches, drinking from brown cups, spilling everywhere, throwing things into the higher up seats. The whole place smelled like a hot box. All different types of primates and monkeys were everywhere. More primates than monkeys though.

  Attention shifted towards the humans.

  All of the humans heart dropped. “Ohh shit!” Went through all their heads.

  Axl grabbed them, “Move.”

  Jimi continued,”Out of the way man!”

  They schootched out of the way, looking behind them they saw a gigantic

  gorilla, ducking to enter the hallway. He filled the hall. He had his game face on. As he walked by, he looked at the three Humans and bared his teeth. To L, it felt like the Alien 3 poster and she was Ripley. When he fully left the hallway into the arena he looked left and right and pounded his chest with a thunderous force, the crowd erupted. Mostly cheers, but some boos. A couple pieces of poo flew by his head. He roared. The roar shook the entire Mosh Tree.