The Search for Ball Zero

by Tony Dormanesh

  “Maybe this crazy forest is their defense.” L added.

  “Today be being da seventh day mon. New warstore.” Bob reminded them.

  King concluded the meeting,”Let’s rock.”

  They all started preparing for war. The chimps and gorillas really liked the medieval armor, and they put on as much as they could.

  Tony watched the tribe prepare.

  One of the gamer Chimps grabbed Tony’s shoulder, “Come.” They walked over

  to the pile of drone boxes. “Watch.”

  All of the drone boxes were unpacked and the drones were all sitting there in a circle on the ground. The Chimp sat next to them, he had a small screen made of Stackers. He touched the screen and moved some windows around. The screen changed and had around 100 dots on it. Each dot was equal distance from the others, they seemed to form a 10 by 10 square. The Chimp scooted over and grabbed a drone. He touched the drone to the Stacker and the drone took off into the air flying quickly. Then it suddenly stopped and began hovering. He touched another drone to the Stacker and it took off, doing the same thing. It flew up and began hovering next to the previous drone. He kept doing this and the drones were forming a drone wall. He touched two at a time and they went quickly into formation. The Chimp smiled as he did this. When they were all up and in perfect formation, he moved his finger on the Stacker and all the drones moved together, in perfect formation. The Chimp smiled even bigger and looked up to Tony.

  “Rad!” Tony said. “That actually gives me a great idea!” Tony patted the gamer Chimp on the back and knelt down next to him, they began talking.

  Tony turned and looked up at the warstore. Some of the tribe was climbing up

  the giant machine, at the top it was lined with chimps, gorillas and monkeys, all with random assorted pieces of medieval armor, swords, axes, morning stars, tasers and pepper spray. King was giving a pre-battle speech. They all cheered and raised their weapons. To anyone except Tony, Perry and L, it actually would look pretty scary. They thought it was cool as shit.

  “This is it.” Tony looked at his fellow humans, then laughed at himself, “That’s

  what they say in movies before the final battle.” “Yep.” L shook her head, her oversized viking helmet lagging behind the shake. She still was wielding that battle axe, had a chain mail chest piece over her GWAR shirt, her normal slightly ripped jeans and had two glocks strapped to her hips. She looked like a Heavy Metal Tomb Raider.

  L looked down at Fozzie,”And you, you little shit head. You’re staying here.” Perry and Tony looked at each other and shook their heads.

  Perry laughed,”Good one, L. Maybe your best one ever.”

  L laughed back and made a funny face at him,”Thanks.”

  “You look so hot all ready for battle.” Tony complimented her. He leaned in a

  kissed her, his forehead pushing on her helmet.

  Perry had put on a chain mail chest piece also. He had his shotgun strapped on

  his back and a small pack around his waist, and that was it. Well, he was also still holding one of those rainbow dildos. He shook it in the sky, “Candy!”

  Tony had found a cool plate mail chest piece that wasn’t too big or cumbersome

  that he liked and was wearing, it had a sweet dragon on the chest. He had both pistols holstered around his waist and had a bag slung over his shoulder. In the bag he had a jumble of pepper spray and tasers. He opened the bag and showed its contents to the others asking, “Want some?” Like it was a bag of chips. Perry took a taser and put it in his pack, L took one of each and strapped them to her belt.

  They walked towards the warstore. In a movie, it would be dusty and windy,

  they would be walking in slow motion, in unison, with badass looks on their faces. In the Dark Tower Universe it would be three Gunslingers, a Ka-Tet heading to their own Dark Tower.

  They heard an engine on the other side of the warstore, and a second later Lemmy came sliding around the corner in his Jeep. He slid pretty close to the Humans and had a big smile on his face. “Ready?” He asked.

  They all replied and laughed,”Yep.” And began climbing up to the warstore

  cockpit.

  The tribe saw Lemmy from on top of the warstore and cheered. A bunch of Gorillas, Chimps and Monkeys climbed down the front of the warstore to get into the clown car of a Jeep. The could freely climb the face of the warstore, they zipped by the climbing humans, who had to use the maintenance ladder rungs to climb up.

  The humans took a while to climb all the way to the top of the warstore. They

  finally made it and were standing on the grated walkway outside of the cockpit, right where Slash blew the Captain’s brains out. A lot of the tribe were hanging out there, Moon was there, he had a good suit of armor that covered most of his body, of course his Baboon ass was sticking out. They were a rag tag looking bunch, kind of Mad Max meets Planet of the Apes, but they were ready and raised their weapons as the humans walked by. Some grunted and hooted, Perry looked left and right acknowledging each of them. “Kick ass.” He said to the group.

  34

  CONTACT!

  Inside the cockpit King stood near the Captain’s chair, Bob was at the gunner station. As the Humans entered King motioned to the pilot station, Tony sat down and got comfortable. Janis was there, L walked up to her and they hugged. Slash sat at a random station across the cockpit, Perry plopped down somewhere in the middle. King asked “Humans ready?”

  Tony looked over,”Perry, sit at that other station.” He pointed to one near Bob. “It controls the drones.” They both got up and walked over to it. “All it does is release them with this.” He pointed to a button on screen and continued,”Then with these over here you can set their formation and tactics. I’ve never used it, but it looks like tactics are just attack or defend.”

  “Looks easy enough.” Perry stated, “And this one probably brings em back.”

  “Probably” Tony agreed.

  Perry hit the launch button and in a high voice said,”Testing!” They heard a

  sound like air releasing as drones began flying from the front of the warstore in a tight line. Perry’s screen flashed, it looked like a view from the drones. They were instantly in a square formation, like it showed on Perry’s “formation” button. Everyone in the cockpit could see the drones in front of the main window. A reticle appeared on Perry’s screen and quickly targeted Lemmy’s Jeep. The word “Target” appeared on screen. “Woah, Woah!” Perry yelled, he noticed the tactics were set to “attack”, he quickly pressed the “defend” button over and over. The screen flashed and the reticle disappeared. The tactics switched on his screen to defend. Then a reticle appeared on screen again, targeting Lemmy’s Jeep with the words “Target” again. “Woah Woah!” He yelled again.

  King rushed over to Perry’s station, “Stop!” He yelled.

  Perry pressed the button on screen that said “Return” and as quickly as the

  drones released, they were gone, back inside the warstore.

  Perry looked up at King confidently,”Don’t worry bro. I got this.”

  Tony shook his head,”Perry this is Ball three man. If we lose this it’s Game

  Over.”

  Bob looked over at the Humans,”Each warstore kill is an extra ball mon.”

  Tony laughed, and thought this Bob guy fit in pretty good,”And if we blow up

  the headquarters we’re at Ball Zero.”

  “Let’s rock.”

  Tony started the warstore moving, it began creeping ever so slowly. He looked

  over at King, then down the hall at the broken outer door at all the chimps and gorillas sitting on the top of their warstore. “Are they just gonna sit out there like that?” He asked King.

  “Yes.” King answered,”They no like trapped in machine. Free outside.” King looked around the cockpit,”This death trap.” Perry laughed.

  King continued,”No worry, they hang on.”

  Tony accelerated some.
Everyone leaned back a little as the metal mountain got faster. The warstore controls were smooth and responsive, Tony was already getting the hang of it. It felt like they were going slow, but the warstore was probably cruising at 20 miles per hour. Tony reached into his pack and pulled out two Stackers. He placed one on his station and touched it, it turned on. The face he touched flashed and turned into a scene in the forest. The gamer chimp was sitting a few feet away, he ran up to the camera and picked it up. The chimp and Tony each had a Stacker and were using them as a simple live video feed.

  “How’s it going?” Tony asked.

  “Ready and waiting for you signal.” the gamer Chimp replied.

  Tony put the other Stacker next to the first one, then touched it. The screen flashed and on came Lemmy’s face. Lemmy looked into the Stacker. His hair was blowing in the wind, crammed behind him you could see a bunch of the tribe. A few Spider Monkeys were on the seat next to his shoulder.

  “Howdy!” Lemmy yelled over the sound of the Jeep’s engine. A chimp behind him pointed and his eyes widened,”Hang on one second.” Lemmy said into the camera. Then he focused on driving and hit the gas. The Jeep hit a jump and caught air. From Tony’s view, the scenery behind Lemmy went from trees to blue sky. The tribe members in the Jeep hooting and hollering, then the Jeep slammed into the ground. Lemmy gave a high five to the Chimp behind him and looked back into the Stacker. “What’s up?” “Just checking in.” Tony said.

  “We stay with you.” Lemmy replied. “Let me know if you need scouting.”

  “You know this place better than me.” Tony said,”We’re following you.”

  From the cockpit Lemmy’s Jeep came into view in front of them, a slow motion

  dust trail expanding behind it.

  Tony continued,”When there’s a hill we can’t see over, scout that for us. Just

  like we talked about.”

  “Yep. Yep.” Lemmy said. “There’s one a ways up here.” His Jeep accelerated.

  The warstore cruised along the forest floor, Tony tried to drive in the open

  plains instead of over trees when possible, but that wasn’t always possible. They drove for a long time, in mostly silence. It might’ve been awkward if they weren’t driving into a life or death situation. Perry thought they’d been driving for about as long as a Three’s Company episode. He drifted off remembering Chrissie and Teri’s boobs from that show. Then Candy’s face appeared in his mind and he got sad. Then his pregnant cloned ex girlfriend appeared, she looked at him, smiling and bent over, her hospital gown separating and her beautiful cloned ass emerging from it. He squeezed the rainbow dildo he was holding.

  Through the Stacker, everyone in the cockpit could hear what was happening in Lemmy’s Jeep. He did one of his famous gravel-y slides, then everyone in the Jeep was focused on something. At first they were quiet, then they started making excited monkey sounds. Lemmy looked into the camera,”Contact.” The cockpit snapped to attention.

  Lemmy continued,”A warstore, in the valley, right on the other side of this hill.”

  “Perfect.” Tony thought, but didn’t say. But he did look around at the others in the cockpit and said,”Right on time.”

  Perry knew that look on Tony’s face. “What’s up?”

  “We have two options. Blow them to Fuck or try to take another one.” Tony said,”I think we need another one.” Tony looked over at King and Bob.”Bob’s better than me at piloting this thing. But both of us piloting two warstores at the same time, we would pwn anything in our path. We did it in the simulator.” He then looked at King. “King says with him and the guys on Lemmy’s Jeep he could break into, and take over another one.”

  Perry just looked at Tony, and his eyes widened. He didn’t say anything.

  Lemmy looked into the camera,”It looks pretty normal.”

  King yelled over to the Lemmy Stacker,”Come get.”

  “Okay Boss.” Lemmy said and hit the gas.

  Tony looked over at King,”You’re sure, right?”

  King replied,”Sure.” Then King walked out of the cockpit, looking serious. As he exiting the outer door he motioned to the Tribe and a bunch of Gorillas and Chimps followed him climbing down the warstore.

  Bob was thinking,”Wait? I go too mon?”

  Tony was in strategy mode,”After they get it.” He paused,”If they get it you go. You’re our only other pilot.”

  “He can’t die, but they can?” Perry asked. Bob looked at Perry, then at Tony,

  then back at the main screen. Tony’s face looked at his screen, but his eyes looked over at Perry and he shrugged like “What am I supposed to do?”

  35

  TWO > ONE

  Lemmy looked into the screen, King was now on the Jeep with them,”Okay, in

  position.”

  Tony looked into the other Stacker at the gamer chimp and said,”Do it.”

  The gamer chimp ran over to another Stacker and fiddled with it. From Tony’s

  view he could see the drones flying into formation, one at a time as the gamer chimp touched them to his Stacker.

  The gamer chimp was concentrating and yelled over his shoulder,”Okay, get ready.”

  Tony crept the warstore he was piloting up to the side of the hill. Close enough

  so they could see over the hill top and watch the other warstore. From the other side of the valley the gamer chimp’s drone wall flew over the hill and into view of the enemy warstore. In front of the Tribe’s warstore Lemmy’s Jeep sped over the hill, filled with armor clad chimps and Gorillas, he stayed in the cover of trees.

  “Don’t get seen first!” Tony yelled to Lemmy through the Stacker. Lemmy’s Jeep adjusted its path, staying in the trees a bit longer.

  The gamer chimp’s drone wall was in plain view of the other warstore, Tony

  wondered why it wasn’t reacting. It just kept driving straight. “Maybe this isn’t going to work.” Tony thought and started thinking about plan B. “If that thing starts targeting

  Lemmy we have to save them. Get ready to nuke that fucking thing Bob.”

  “Yea mon.”

  For a second the warstore looked like it was turning left towards Lemmy, but then it made a hard right, facing the drone wall. “Now Lemmy. Go go!” Tony yelled into the Stacker. Lemmy’s Jeep turned out of the trees and made a straight line for the warstore, speeding out into the field in front of it. The Jeep was out in open view now, although the warstore was facing the other way.

  The warstore shot its machine guns at the drone wall, taking many of them out. Then it released a drone wall of its own.

  All of a sudden Tony heard music blaring from one of the Stackers. It was from Lemmy’s. Tony could see Lemmy pulling out a giant ghetto blaster and placing it on the hood. “Know Your Enemy”, by Rage went on. The Jeep’s occupants went crazy. Some started hanging off the side of the Jeep, one of em flashed devil horns into the Stacker. Tony looked out the main window at the Jeep, It was bouncing with monkeys and primates.

  “What the fuck are they..”Tony said.

  Bob interrupted,”Rockin mon. Dey be War Rockn!”

  Perry laughed and sat up to get a better view, “Go you fuckin crazy monkeys!”

  Lemmy’s Jeep blasted Know Your Enemy as loud as it possibly could, with a

  little mosh pit in his back seat. They closed in on the rear of the warstore.

  The wartsore unleashed it’s arsenal at the toy drone wall, annihilating them all

  and obliterating the entire hillside. Tony looked to the gamer chimp Stacker, it was black. He grimaced. Then focused on Lemmy’s Jeep as it reached the warstore, rocking out to Rage.

  Lemmy did one of his famous drifting turns, the Tribe on the back leaning so the Jeep didn’t flip. He nailed the turn perfectly, sliding right up next to the giant tank treads of the warstore. His Jeep sprayed a rooster tail. Without any hesitation the entire clown car of the Jeep exited, jumping onto the moving gears of the tank treads. Within seconds they were half wa
y up the warstore. Know Your Enemy was only half way through.

  Lemmy looked into the Stacker, “Payload delivered.”

  “We go mon?”

  “No not yet. We don’t want to damage that warstore if we don’t have to.” Tony

  replied.

  Inside the warstore, the Captain was yelling at a supervisor,”What do you mean

  it was a fake drone wall?!” He pointed to his guards, they rushed across the cockpit and carried the supervisor away, kicking and screaming.

  The supervisor pleaded.”No wait! It was real!”

  The Captain let out an exhausted sounding sigh. “I’m surrounded by fucking idiots.” Then he stood up and began walking away. Clicking.

  “Um, Captain?” The new supervisor said.

  The clicking stopped, and the Captain slowly turned around. He slowly looked

  up, his face saying “This better be good.”

  The new supervisor didn’t say a word, just put his screen up on the main screen. It was a live feed from a camera on top of the warstore, it looked down at dozens of different sized Primates, Chimps and Monkeys climbing up the warstore. They were wearing medieval helmets, carrying swords and other various medieval weapons.

  “What the?” The Captain questioned.

  Two spider monkeys zipped by the doorway behind him. He spun around. Light filled the hallway outside of the cockpit, then it became darkness. The Captain’s guards ran to the doorway and opened fire down the hallway. There was the rapid fire cracking of their semi-automatic rifles, clinging and clanging of bullets hitting metal, then a crowd of the Tribe tumbled onto the guards and began hacking them to pieces.

  King stepped over them and entered the cockpit first. He was all business, but

  he had to do a double take when he saw the Captain. “I kill you before!” He said and swung a morning star. He was holding the chain half way up so it was a quick swing with a short, overhead arc. It smashed the front of the Captain’s head, metal crushing into the skull’s meaty center. He said nothing and flopped to the floor, the morning star fell with him, embedded into his skull.