Bluebird

by Stella James

  I reach the cafeteria but I don’t see Logan anywhere. I see Em and Josh and the others at their usual table but they don’t notice me so I just turn around and head outside. I haven’t hung out much with her lately, mostly because her and Josh are officially dating now and she wants to spend all of her free time with him. I don’t blame her, because I feel the same way about Logan, but I do miss her. I should probably make more of an effort to get together but between studying and shifts at the diner when they need me…and of course, Logan, there just never seems to be enough time. And I’d rather die than force him into some kind of double date or group outing.

  As I walk down the hallway I notice that decorations have already started going up for the Winter Formal. A school dance is something that I would have lived for two years ago, but now it just doesn’t seem as important as it used to. I doubt Logan would want to go anyways, and he hasn’t mentioned it so neither have I.

  When I open the main doors, a gust of wind slaps me in the face but I brace myself against it. I look over at the parking lot and see Logan getting out of his truck. He looks up at me and smiles as I zip up my hoodie and walk towards him. We don’t often get snow in Redemption, just the odd ice storm, but the temperature still drops a bit and today is chilly. I have my text books piled in one arm and once I’m close enough, Logan pulls me in tight and wraps both of his arms around me.

  “Hey babe,” he says. “Did you get your copies done?”

  “Mmhm,” I reply, nuzzling against his chest. I tilt my head back and rise up to my toes. Every time my lips touch his, I feel the same flip-flop in my stomach. “What were you doing?”

  “Just finishing my English assignment,” he says.

  I don’t bother asking why he didn’t just do it in the cafeteria because I don’t have to. I know that Logan prefers peace and quiet when he can get it, thanks to his mom and stepdad and their never-ending fights. Sometimes he sneaks over to my house and crawls through my window just so he can get some sleep. I know it’s selfish to think it because of the circumstances, but I love those nights. He holds me all night long and it’s like getting a glimpse into a possible future…into our possible future.

  We walk back into the building and head for Logan’s locker first so that he can get his notebook. When he pulls off his sweater, his T-shirt comes up a bit and I catch a glimpse of a large purple bruise on his back.

  “Oh my God, what happened?” I ask, gently touching the mark.

  “Nothing,” he mumbles. “I slipped in the shop on some oil.”

  “Logan.”

  He turns to face me. “It’s nothing,” he says. “It doesn’t even hurt.”

  He knows that I don’t believe him but he also knows that I won’t push. He’ll tell me eventually but it doesn’t make me worry any less. I know he must have gotten into it with his stepdad again. The first couple months after he moved here, he told me that they pretty much kept out of each other’s way. But two weeks ago, Logan showed up to pick me up in the morning for school and he had a black eye. My mom noticed too and wanted to tell someone but Logan made her promise not to. It’s nothing…it doesn’t even hurt. He got a few questioning stares that day but no one asked. Because in Redemption, when you live in a shitty trailer, behind a chain fence surrounded by stained concrete, everyone just assumes it’s normal. I’m ashamed to admit that I used to think that too.

  I don’t know what to do for him so I do the same thing I did last time and every time he sneaks through my window just so he can have some peace. I lean up and press my lips to his as I wrap my arms around his neck.

  “You’ll always have me, Logan. Always,” I tell him.

  *

  After the last bell rings, I grab my chemistry book from my locker and close it just as Emily and Josh approach.

  “Hey,” she says.

  “Hey.”

  Josh leans against the locker beside hers with his usual look of arrogance. God, what does she see in him?

  “So, I was thinking maybe we could head over to Edison next Saturday and have a girl’s day,” she mentions. “Maybe do a little bit of Christmas shopping?”

  Edison is the next town over, it’s bigger than Redemption and they have a strip mall and a Target. I remember Logan saying that he has to work next weekend and since she said girl’s day, I assume that means Josh will be scarce as well.

  “Sure, that would be fun,” I say.

  “Awesome, I’ll ask my mom if I can borrow the truck.”

  “Sounds good.”

  I have three shifts next week at the diner which should give me enough tip money to pick up a couple of things. I also have a little bit of cash that I saved last month too. I want to get Logan something special. My mom too, of course.

  “What’s with that boyfriend of yours?” Josh asks with a smirk. “The guy hardly talks.”

  “Stop it,” Emily whispers, giving him a look that we both know won’t shut him up.

  “Maybe he just doesn’t wanna talk to you,” I point out.

  “Yeah whatever,” he snorts. “I’ll be outside, Em.”

  “I’m sorry,” she says, once he’s gone.

  “It’s fine, I really wouldn’t expect much else from him.”

  “He kind of has a point though, I mean, does Logan even have any friends? Besides you?”

  “Does it matter?”

  She hesitates for a second. “No, I guess it doesn’t,” she shrugs. “It’s just that, well, I don’t know.”

  “What?”

  “I’ve heard things,” she says.

  “Oh? And what kind of things have you heard?”

  “It’s nothing, and I shouldn’t even tell you.”

  “Em,” I sigh. “Just tell me.”

  “I overheard my parents talking about Logan’s mom, about how she works over at that bar across the tracks. They were saying she’s into drugs and stuff.”

  “Is that it?”

  She looks uncertain but I narrow my eyes and wait for her to spill.

  “I’ve heard that he’s trouble Prairie. I heard he got kicked out of his last school for pulling a knife on someone. And that him and his stepdad go on drug runs together.”

  “None of that’s true, Em. Logan wouldn’t do that,” I say firmly.

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I know him. What you’ve heard is nothing more than a bunch of gossip.”

  “Okay, okay,” she says. “I believe you. I was just worried about you.”

  She looks down at the ground and I suddenly feel like a complete bitch. Even though I know what she’s told me isn’t true, I shouldn’t take it out on her. She’s probably had Josh in her ear telling her all kinds of crap lately, being the slimy jerk that he is.

  “It’s fine,” I smile. “But, please, don’t worry about me. And don’t believe everything you hear. Logan is a good person.”

  “Okay,” she smiles back. “I feel bad now, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “It’s fine. Look, I gotta go. Let me know about next weekend, okay?”

  “I will,” she says.

  I don’t know why Josh gives a shit about Logan and me or why everyone in this town is so damn nosy. It’s not like they actually care about Logan, they just care about their next topic of conversation. Just another reason why I can’t wait to get out of Redemption.

  I feel him beside me before I even see him. “You ready?” he asks, his hand reaching for mine.

  “God, yes,” I groan.

  Neither of us has to work tonight and my mom is working the late shift until midnight. We’re going to my house to study for a bit and then watch a movie. We never go out on fancy dates but I don’t care, as long as we’re together.

  When we get to my house, I turn the T.V. on but keep the volume low and get us each a glass of iced tea. There’s a note on the fridge from my mom.

  Supper in the fridge, heat at 350.

  Make sure Logan eats too.

  -Mom xox

  We never hang
out at Logan’s house, so we spend all of our time here. My mom doesn’t mind but she did take it upon herself to have a talk with me last week about birth control. She’s always been open with me about sex, even if it is awkward as hell. But Logan and I haven’t done anything besides make out and rub against each other until we’re both breathing heavy and our hearts seem to nearly beat out of our chests.

  I know he’d never pressure me into anything, even though he’s not a virgin and he’s probably used to girls who actually know what they’re doing. He never makes me feel embarrassed for being inexperienced and I don’t make him feel bad for already having done the deed. Someday, I want him to be my first but I want it to be the right time. So I reassured my mom that birth control pills and condoms aren’t necessary at this point.

  We set our textbooks and notebooks on the coffee table, chemistry for me and math for him and sit side by side on the floor. The sound of MTV in the background fills the quiet. After an hour of nonstop studying, I can feel his eyes on me.

  “You’re supposed to be studying for your final,” I tease.

  “Isn’t it time for a break?” he asks.

  I look over at him and see a playful look in his eyes and my heart skips a beat. He reaches for my hand and pulls me up onto the couch. He nudges me back gently and slides on top of me between my legs, he puts his hand on the side of my face and leans down until his lips are firmly planted on mine.

  I kiss him back and open my mouth, letting him slide his tongue against mine. My hands grip his back, his muscles flexing underneath my fingertips. Everything about Logan says man rather than boy and I always feel safe with him. He groans against my mouth and pulls back, looking down at me, his brown eyes looking darker than usual.

  “Can I try something?”

  “Try something?” I ask, slightly out of breath.

  “To make you feel good,” he explains.

  “Okay,” I whisper nervously.

  He kneels beside the couch but when I move to sit up, he shakes his head. “Just stay where you are,” he tells me.

  He reaches his hand down to the button on my jeans and opens them, pulling the zipper down next. He tugs them down my legs, all the way to my calves before he raises up on his knees and leans over me. He kisses me again slowly as he slides his hand into my pink and yellow striped underwear. I’m not sure what to do with my hands so I just keep them at my sides on the cushion underneath me. He rubs me gently with his hand and my legs fall open a bit without even meaning to. It feels nice and he keeps groaning against my mouth so he must like it too. He moves his hand lower and soon my own hands grip the fabric beside my hips. It feels weird and it kind of hurts at first but then it starts to feel good. Really good.

  He pulls his mouth from mine and my eyes flash open. “Prairie?”

  “Hm?”

  “Is this okay?”

  “Yes,” I breathe out.

  He smiles before he’s kissing me again and starts moving his hand the way he was before. My skin feels warm and I know I’m starting to breathe heavily. My heart feels like it’s rattling in my chest, my stomach is fluttering and soon my hands are gripping his wrist and I feel like I’m floating. I feel his mouth leave mine but his hand doesn’t stop moving until I’m panting and struggling to catch my breath. I look up at him wondering if that was what I think it was.

  “That was, I mea-“

  “It was beautiful,” he interrupts. “You’re beautiful.”

  He pulls his hand out of my underwear and slides my jeans back up. He sits beside me and pulls me onto his lap, my breath still short and my heart still beating like crazy. He wraps his arms around me but I lean back and glance down at the obvious bulge in his pants.

  “Um, do you, I mean, I can d-“

  “You don’t have to do anything Prairie,” he says. “I didn’t do that because I wanted something. I just wanted to make you feel good.”

  “Are you going to do it later?” I ask.

  “Am I going to do what?” he grins.

  “You know, are you going to…deal with it yourself?”

  “Probably,” he shrugs.

  “Do you think, I mean, what do you think about when you do that?” I can feel my face turning a thousand shades of red as I wait for him to answer me.

  “That’s easy,” he says. “I think about you.”

  “I wish I knew more about sex stuff. I’m sorry,” I say.

  “Hey, don’t be sorry,” he insists, tilting my chin up. “I like that I get to be the first guy you do these things with.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. We’ll do more when we’re ready.”

  When we’re ready.

  I run my fingers through his hair and kiss his lips lightly, feeling things that I’ve never felt before and I feel like I need to tell him. I need him to know.

  “I love you Logan,” I say against his lips. “You don’t have to say it back,” I add quickly.

  He lets out a breath and looks me in the eye. “I’ve loved you since that day in the cafeteria when you held my hand,” he says. “I love you, Prairie.”

  I can’t help it when my eyes fill with tears, because in my heart I know. That when Logan Mackenzie loves you, he loves you for his entire life.

  Chapter 6

  Logan

  “Hey Logan!”

  I look up from the hood I’ve got my head under and over at Gary. “Yeah?”

  “Take a break,” he says, jerking his head towards the door of the shop. Prairie’s standing there smiling, holding a brown paper bag and a couple of takeout cups. I wipe my hands and make my way over to her, leaning down to kiss her while Jace and Dusty, two of the guys I work with, whistle in the background. I flip them off as we head to the break room.

  When we both have to work after school, we usually take our supper break together. I wish we could go somewhere nicer but we only get thirty minutes and neither one of us wants to waste any time driving around.

  She sets the bag down on the crowded table and takes out a couple of burgers while I pull up two chairs.

  “No onions,” she says sliding one towards me.

  “Thanks babe.”

  She blushes every time I call her that and every time I tell her that I love her. I didn’t tell her at the time, but she’s the first person who’s ever told me that they loved me. My grandma was nice enough but she wasn’t really into kids when Brenda dumped me with her and she wasn’t very affectionate. Sometimes I’d catch her looking at me funny, like she felt bad for me or something. But she still never said it. And I never said it to her either. It’s fucked up but I didn’t know any different as a kid until I started going to school. I’d see other kids with their parents and wonder why I didn’t have that. I would ask my grandma all the time if she knew where my dad was, but she said she didn’t even know who he was. I remember one time when I was ten I think, Brenda came to stay with us for a few days. I overheard them talking in the kitchen one night. It’s one of the few childhood memories I have of my mom.

  “You need to take him with you, this ain’t right, leaving him with me.”

  “I can’t take him and you know it. I’m just like you, ya know. I ain’t meant to be a mom neither. Especially to a kid I never planned on havin’ in the first damn place.”

  “Logan?”

  “Sorry, yeah?”

  “Are you okay?”

  “I am now,” I reply honestly.

  She nods down to the burger in front of me and I take a big bite, making her laugh. I know she’s been worried about me lately and I hate it. I’ve gotten into it a couple times with my stepdad and I never meant for her to find out, but she did anyways. He hates me just as much as I hate him and Brenda doesn’t do a damn thing about it, not that I would expect her to. Prairie asked me the other day why I don’t fight back, but I couldn’t tell her the truth. She’d be scared of me if I did. I know you shouldn’t lie to someone you love and maybe someday I’ll tell her but for right now, I like the way she looks
at me and I don’t want that to change. Her mom wanted me to tell the Sheriff when she saw my black eye but I didn’t see the point. I’ll be eighteen soon and done with school. Done with the trailer park. Done with Redemption.

  “So, Emily said her mom is going to lend her the truck this weekend so we can go into Edison and do some shopping,” she says, sipping her iced tea.

  “Just you two?”

  “Yes, thank God. I think it’ll be good, having some girl time,” she says. “Even though I’ll probably miss you the entire time.”

  I push back my chair and grab her hand, pulling her onto my lap. She wraps her arms around me and leans down, resting her forehead against mine.

  “I was thinking, maybe after Christmas break, we should talk about some stuff,” she says.

  “What kind of stuff?”

  “Us…and what we’re gonna do after graduation.”

  “I want us to be together,” I say.

  “So do I,” she says. “We can make something work, can’t we? Even if you go back to Drayton and I end up out of state?”

  “Don’t worry about it babe, we’ll make it work,” I tell her. “I promise.”

  “You and me?”

  “Always,” I reply.

  There’s no way I can see a future without Prairie in it. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure we can be together.

  *

  Prairie’s already gone home with her mom by the time I’m done for the night. As I walk to my truck, I spot that asshole Josh and a couple of his buddies outside the service station. I know he doesn’t like me, and the feeling is mutual, but I don’t wanna cause problems for Prairie. So I keep my head down and keep moving.