Training in Love

by Manuela Pigna

  Andrea follows my gaze and turns, sees her and moves to make space, then he introduces her. “Ah, Tiziana, this is Olivia. Olivia this is Tiziana, a friend of mine.”

  At his words she swings around towards him and, if possible, gives him an even dirtier look than she gave me. I try to soothe things by putting out my hand – which she doesn’t shake – and saying, “Pleased to meet you.”

  She looks at my hand, crosses her arms and says, “Oh, your charity case…”

  I pull back my hand and, for a moment, am without words. Andrea stiffens visibly and looks at her, frowning. From his face I think, no, I know, that he’s about to go off on one of his lectures. And as exhilarating as it is to not be on the receiving end for once, I don’t feel like watching it or being put in the middle of an unpleasant moment either. I try to lighten the atmosphere with a joke, “I wouldn’t exactly call it charity given how much I pay him…” I say laughing.

  Andrea turns to me and relaxes his shoulders, but he doesn’t smile. It goes without saying that for her it’s as if I hadn’t even spoken… Good grief, why do I even bother?

  “Well,” I begin, clearing my voice, “Nice to meet you Tiziana,” I continue, as false as Judas. “But now I’ll leave you because Linda’s waving to me, I think she wants to speak to me.”

  Linda, who isn’t even in the room. I hope the most handsome couple in the world doesn’t notice, but in the end I don’t think they’re interested. They will have understood that it was obviously an excuse. I decide to go to the bathroom to clean my dress since I’m alone again, have nothing to do and have to get away from the buffet table. I ask myself again why I bother to go out. I could have stayed home, under a warm blanket with a cup of tea in hand and finish the book I’m reading or watch Dirty Dancing for the trillionth time, imagining that someone like Patrick Swayze comes to me during an occasion… an occasion like this one! And tells everyone, “No-one can put Olly in the corner!”

  Or better- Oww! My thoughts are interrupted because someone has bumped into me so hard I’ve almost fallen. I curse as the glass which I still have in my hand shakes and luckily only partially spills on my dress which is, fortunately, black. Crap, I’ve only been wearing it for two hours! Our relationship is not exactly getting off to a good start…

  “Excuse me!” I hear a male voice. I look up at two beautiful brown eyes. It’s Sebastiano, a friend of the twins’ that I’ve encountered a few times at their house.

  “It’s nothing…” I mumble under my breath.

  Sebastiano looks at me in silence for two seconds and then says with surprise, “Olly?”

  “Yes?”

  “Olly?!”

  “Yes?!”

  “Wow…” He says, starting to smile. “I barely recognized you…”

  I nod, mostly because I don’t know how to respond.

  Seba, smiling, nods too.

  We stay there standing in silence, one in front of the other, mildly embarrassed.

  “Well,” I point in the direction behind him with my now half-empty glass. “I was going to the bathroom… and…”

  Seba nods again more vigorously. Then, as though illuminated by an idea, he takes the glass from my hand and looks at it. “But you’ve got almost nothing left… I’ll get it for you while you go to the bathroom, what was it?”

  He’ll get me something to drink while I’m in the bathroom?

  Huh?

  “Ah, a Campari-orange,” I answer a little awkwardly.

  He takes my empty glass from my hands and goes without thinking twice. I look at his retreating back for a second, a little confused, and then turn in the direction of the bathroom.

  When I come out I find Seba already ready with two cocktails in hand. We begin to talk about this and that and end up challenging each other to foosball because he doesn’t believe I’m good at it. When we go down to the game room, we find it already occupied by two boys playing. We introduce ourselves and begin to play in couples, then singles, having a sort of tournament. I am winning, as always, when Nic and Andrea come in.

  “I knew it…” Murmurs Nic.

  Nic and Andrea watch the end of my game and, when it’s finished, someone challenges me to play pool so we all pass over to the other game table.

  At a certain point Seba says, “You’re the champion of foosball, beautiful, nice and play pool too? Will you marry me?”

  I laugh replying, “Look out, if you say it again I’ll take it seriously…”

  And I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that this is me flirting at a party with a boy and wearing a beautiful dress! Ok, a dress all full of stains, but still beautiful.

  It seems like we’ve been playing for a long time when, almost without realizing it, the game room has emptied and I find myself playing pool alone with Andrea - Nic returned to the model-pharmacist a while back, the other two have gone to get drinks and Seba, after getting a phone call and being able to hear one word out of twenty, has gone upstairs to call back.

  Now it’s so quiet in here… until Andrea breaks the silence asking, “Are you having fun?”

  “Lots of fun!” I answer smiling at the colored ball I’m about to hit.

  He doesn’t speak until it’s his turn to play and, once he’s stretched across the table, says, “You know that one of these three will want something more than a couple of cute jokes before the end of the evening…”

  “Ah,” I answer without giving away anything. “Well, we’ll see.”

  “We’ll see what?”

  “We’ll see if what you said happens.”

  “And if it happens?” He asks, still playing.

  “If it happens… I don’t know. I’ll decide at the time what to do.”

  He gets up, his mouth a little open with surprise and leans on the edge of the table with the pool-cue resting on the floor. “Do you mean…”

  “I don’t know Andrea! I don’t think about these things and I certainly don’t decide beforehand! Anyway, it’s not even sure anything will happen…”

  “Yeah, sure, great… it’ll happen alright… then don’t say that I didn’t warn you.” He says, seeming to be in a bad mood.

  I decide to ignore him and we continue to play in silence until Nic bursts into the room. “Olly!”

  I turn around because I’m the one with my back to the door, while Andrea straightens up on the other side of the table. He was shooting.

  “Now I can tell you that thing!” Nic exclaims coming closer and placing himself in front of me.

  “Oh, good!” In the meantime, out of the corner of my eye, I see Andrea come around the table and stand behind me.

  “I didn’t want to tell you before, because I wasn’t sure… anyway… okay. Gianca is here.”

  I straighten up instinctively and at the same time feel a hand run slowly along my right side and stay there.

  Nic quickly lowers his eyes, registers the hand, but doesn’t comment. When he looks up, he stares in my eyes and continues, “I invited him just for you, but I wasn’t sure he’d come and I didn’t want to tell you if afterwards he didn’t show up…”

  “Really?” I answer with a little hop in place – with the hand still in place – clapping my hands. “But... you said he wasn’t right for me…”

  Nic crosses his arms over his chest, smiling. “And in fact he isn’t, but if you’re conscious that he isn’t, a little summer activity could only do you good,” he concludes with a wink.

  I hug him on impulse. “Oh Nic, you’re a friend!”

  “Yeah, a great friend…” Mutters Andrea, letting go of my side and coming into my field of vision. He stops with his arms crossed and observes us. You can see he wants to say something, but he doesn’t speak.

  Neither of us answer him. I let go of Nic, clapping again, then I stop. Suddenly struck by a thought. “It’s just that…” I bite my lower lip. “Now what do I do? I’m not very experienced in these things…”

  Andrea makes a face, as though scornful. “What do I hav
e to do?” He even mimics me. “As soon as he sees you he’ll jump on you. Rest easy.”

  Nic and I turn to him open-mouthed, only for a second, both of us a little surprised by this remark that ought to be a compliment, if it weren’t said in such a decidedly unpleasant tone. Then we turn to each other again without answering Andrea directly. “Now come with me, let’s go for a walk. I’ll go to say hi to him and you float in discreetly…”

  “Perfect!” I exclaim.

  “This isn’t at all perfect!” Andrea interrupts. “For me this isn’t a good idea. We said that he wasn’t right…”

  “If I have to wait for someone who’s right Andrea, I’ll be just in time to drop dead!” I answer a little acidly, then I push him aside lightly and go towards the door.

  “No, Olly wait! Let me say something for a second…” Says Andrea at my back, but almost immediately I hear Nic answer for me as I open the door, “Excuse me if I tell you something Andre, you’re not her father and… not her boyfriend either. So… leave her alone.”

  20.

  Nic’s plan is working perfectly. It’s been about a half-hour that I’ve been speaking with Giancarlo. Up to now it seems to be going really well. Initially, when Nic brought me over to him and told him that we already knew each other, he answered, “Impossible, I’d have remembered!”, and it seemed like a positive response to me. Then we chatted for a little in general and two seconds ago he went as far as inviting me for a weekend abroad with him. It wasn’t really a specific invitation, it went like this: I asked him what sport he does in the summer having to put aside snowboarding for a few months and he answered that he surfs. I asked him where he could surf in Italy and he said that he sometimes goes to Tuscany but frequently to Portugal because there are good waves and it’s not too expensive. And it was at this point that he added, “Maybe sometime you’ll come too.” I answered, “I wish.” But thinking about it, I believe that it was just something thrown out there, just to make conversation.

  I was really good, because the whole time I didn’t turn around even once to see where Andrea was – if he was with Tiziana the babe, if he had left or if he was still in the game room. I managed to concentrate on the person in front of me without problems. Really. Nic told him to leave me alone and he did what a close friend advised him to do. Moreover, I’m living exactly what I started all this for. I’m here, after months, in front of Gianca. And he is giving me all his attention. He doesn’t seem to be in love with anyone else, in fact he’s here on his own, differently from certain people I know. Free - to be able to fall in love with me. Exactly as I had asked fate a long time ago. I’m living my dream and I really am very happy. My heart isn’t beating hard because serenity and happiness are like that. They’re positive, intelligent feelings which keep your pulse at the right level for the cardiac muscle. Not like anger or agitation – those do make your heart pound. Heavens, I need a break from my crap. I’ll take it while I go to the bathroom. On the route to reach the toilet I absolutely will not look around. I won’t do it. I’ll go and come back here to Gianca and for the entire time I’ll look at the ground in front of my feet and that’s it.

  Conversing, Gianca and I moved into the yard. For a while we were standing and to avoid sinking into the ground even more, I took off my sandals. Afterwards we moved to a little table far enough outside to be free and we stayed a little ways away in this romantic atmosphere to speak in low voices. When I communicate my intentions he replies, “Shall I wait for you here?”

  “Sure, I’ll be right back.”

  Since I have to cross all of the yard, I Ieave my sandals there, near him, and I walk barefoot. We’re in the twins’ house, not out in public… And then I noticed a few other girls do the same.

  Once I’m alone in the bathroom, I do what I have to do sighing and thinking intensely. I wash my hands looking at myself in the mirror and asking myself, why am I not happy?

  Exiting I find Andrea in front of me.

  I have an instant, I swear it was only a second, of hesitation and surprise. It’s my heart’s fault. It immediately starts beating so hard that I’m afraid I’ll have a heart attack from one minute to the next. Can you have a heart attack at twenty-five? Because maybe it’s autosuggestion, but I’m starting to feel a small pain in my left arm…

  I quickly go to pass him with my head lowered, but he blocks me. “I have to talk to you.”

  “Not now, someone’s waiting for me.”

  “Olly!”

  I look up at his caustic tone.

  “Don’t make me lose my patience, I haven’t got a lot left.”

  “Heh,” is my only response. When he takes me by the arm I jerk away saying, “You want to talk? Go ahead, talk. I’m listening.”

  “Not in front of the bathroom.”

  “Ah no? The young master is being difficult?”

  He glares at me, fixed, until I give in. “Okay, let’s go in the kitchen.”

  “No, there’s too much noise. Let’s go downstairs.”

  He takes me by the arm, which I immediately yank away to free myself, and we start to descend the stairs to go to the floor of the game and cinema rooms.

  “Where are your shoes?” He asks me as we go down.

  “In a safe place,” I answer without further explanation. I don’t want to be with him. Every minute with him is bittersweet – more bitter than sweet lately – and I only want sweetness now.

  After having stuck his head into the game room, he quickly closes the door and moves on to the cinema room one. He looks in without opening the door too much at first and then opens it more and makes a sign for me to come in.

  When I turn around he is closing the door behind him.

  I won’t make it easy for him, so I cross my arms and look at him darkly without speaking.

  He sighs and puts his hands in his pockets, taking a breath before speaking. He scratches his nape and finally opens his mouth. “I wanted to tell you… Don’t waste it.”

  “What?” I’ve said only one word, but have managed to fill it with aggression.

  “Your first times. Your first kiss, your first… your first everything.”

  He doesn’t have a combative attitude anymore. He has an air of sadness and almost compassion, like a father who has already lived through many things, everything, and tries to pass his wisdom to the young and ingenuous daughter. And it pisses me off. “The first kiss has already gone.”

  He looks at me for a moment in surprise, straightening his head, then he says softly, “That wasn’t a real kiss Olly.”

  Which pisses me off even more, and hurts me like a knife planted straight in the heart.

  “Fine, you’ve said what you wanted, bye. I’m going. There’s someone waiting for me.” I say this as I head for the door, but he follows me and places a hand against the wood above the lock.

  “Will you do what I said?”

  I laugh. Bitterly, sarcastically. “And what exactly did you say?”

  “Don’t do anything with him.”

  I look at him open-mouthed for a second. I have a distorted smile, deformed by my wide-open mouth. “This is really rich…”

  “You aren’t in love, you’d waste it,” he says now with a certain urgency.

  I turn to him slowly, because my body was still facing towards the door and I look him straight in the eye. “Well, really? Because you’re in love with Tiziana? Nic is in love with the model-pharmacist? I don’t think so, and yet nothing seems to stop you from… wasting it.”

  “What’s that got to do with it?” He asks pulling back with a gesture of irritation and taking his hand from the door. “That isn’t about the first time for anything, not for me or Nic.”

  “Oh really?” I cross my arms again and look at him challengingly. “So you were in love the first time. Was Nic in love the first time?”

  He glares at me. “I was, yes. I was in love with the girl I did everything with the first time. I have no idea about Nic. And quit using Nic as an example…
Does he seem like someone you want to emulate?”

  “It seems to me that you imitate him pretty well…”

  “You don’t know anything!” He exclaims angrily, coming closer.

  I don’t answer and he moves away, taking a deeper breath. “Don’t throw it away… After all these years, are you sure that you want to throw away your first kiss, your first time with someone you’re not even in love with? And don’t tell me you are because I don’t believe it… After having waited so long, what difference does it make to wait a little more for someone special to arrive?”

  Now I come closer, angry. “Waited so long? Someone special?” I take a deep breath and point a finger at him. “What do you think? That I wouldn’t have done anything if it hadn’t already happened? It wasn’t my intention to wait you know. No one gave a shit about me, that’s what happened!”

  I’m so taken and involved in the argument that my breathing has accelerated involuntarily. “Maybe, unconsciously, I gave you the wrong idea about myself… Maybe you think I have some vocation as a nun… Well, for your information it’s not like that. I do not have the vocation to be a nun at all.”

  He takes a step back and I take a step forward. “I want to live Andrea. I want to live! And now that I’ve finally started to do it I’ll wait for nothing and no-one!” I take a breath. “And wasn’t it you, for all these months, pushing me to do it?”

  “If by ‘live’ you mean ‘live in the broader sense of the word’, yes, it was me. If by ‘live’ you mean ‘go to bed with the first person who comes along’ no, that wasn’t me!” He’s almost yelling and I’ve never seen Andrea yell.

  I’m without words for a little, then I move away, walking backwards and breathing badly. “You know what the most interesting this is?” I try to maintain a sense of calm that isn’t there. “What do you care if I go to bed with the first one who comes along?”