The Politically Incorrect Guide to Women, Sex, and Feminism

by Carrie L. Lukas

  The brave new world of romance

  Today, dates where a man actually asks a woman out have become rare. One study of college women found that just half of college seniors had been asked on six or more dates since college, and one-third had been asked on fewer than two dates.3

  What has replaced traditional courtship? In a report published by the Independent Women’s Forum, researchers Norval Glenn, professor of sociology at the University of Texas, and Elizabeth Marquardt, an affiliate scholar at the Institute for American Values, surveyed 1,000 college women from across the country and identified several different types of relationships that young men and women commonly enter into.

  The first type of interaction they identified is what’s known as “hooking up.” While the exact definition of hooking up varies, basically it alludes to sexual interaction that could be anything from kissing to intercourse without commitment. Hooking up typically takes place between people who don’t know each other very well and is usually fueled by alcohol. A hook up could occur as a one-time interaction or could include a series of events; in either case, it’s understood that there’s no obligation to continue the relationship. About 40 percent of those surveyed had “hooked up” at least once and one in ten had hooked up more than six times.

  On the other end of the spectrum is what the researchers refer to as a “joined at the hip” relationship. In this serious relationship, the couple is typical sexually active, spends most of their time together, including sleeping in each others rooms, and is exclusive romantically.

  Another common form of relationship identified by the researchers is “hanging out,” which is sometimes referred to as “dating.” A man and woman who are friends may arrange to interact, often in groups, sometimes alone, but their interest in each other is not explicitly acknowledged. Ultimately, these relationships could become more overtly romantic or physical, evolving into “hooked up” or a “joined at the hip” status.

  Interviews with college women revealed a notable lack of rules or concrete understanding about the expectations within these relationships. Women who hooked up were often left wondering if the guy was going to take another step and if the relationship could evolve into something more meaningful.

  None of these structures fills the role of traditional courtship in allowing women (and men) to explore the potential for meaningful relationships with prospective partners in an effort to identify the most promising, even though finding a spouse is still a goal of most women.

  In some ways, men and women are more equal in these modern relationships—women can initiate hook ups and are partners in arranging “hanging out” activities. Men no longer have to take the initiative, while women have adopted more of the traditional male ethic of viewing sex as desirable outside of marriage or a committed relationship. What’s less clear is what women have gained from these new, more “equal” relationships.

  From Sex and the City:

  Samantha: Until he

  says “I love you,” you’re a free agent.

  Carrie: What is this? The Rules According to Samantha?

  Samantha: See? I’m more old-fashioned than you think.

  Women’s loss of power

  Even though it’s more acceptable for women to act like men in a post-sexual revolution world, women have also ceded a great deal of power to men.

  In traditional dating rituals, it’s the man who must put himself on the line, risking rejection by asking a woman out. But after hooking up, the woman is often left wondering about the guy’s intentions—whether he’s ever going to call or see her again—and she’s relatively powerless.4 Glenn and Marquardt noted how often women were left waiting for the men to dictate the terms of their relationships. Is it just a hook up? Are we just hanging out, or dating exclusively? The women were reluctant to push the men to clarify the nature of the relationships and sometimes described “finding out” that her partner considered her his “girlfriend” from a third party source.

  Much of this loss of power stems from the increased availability of sex for men. Traditionally, women’s ability and willingness to withhold sexual gratification served as a way to discipline men’s behavior. If a man wanted to have sex with a woman, he had to woo her, demonstrate his sincere interest and attachment to her, invest in their relationship, and promise to assume the potential consequences of sexual intimacy.

  Today, often little or nothing is expected from men by the women who sleep with them. Those who “hook up” don’t expect a phone call, while even those “joined at the hip” don’t necessarily expect their relationships to last (most likely it will end in a heart-wrenching breakup). Men can enjoy the many benefits of marriage—not just sexually, but also the companionship and improved lifestyle that comes with having a woman who may be happy to cook and clean for them—but without offering any commitment or support in return. Men in these relationships are still free to survey their options in case a better (prettier, smarter, younger, etc.) candidate comes along.

  The Morning After: A Cost-Benefit Analysis

  Now, I’m not out to question your right to have sex if you get horny or lonely. Second-wave feminists fought for that right, and you were most likely born with it. It’s no longer about ensuring your right to pursue pleasure. It’s yours, sista, so use it as you see fit. But use it wisely. Think about how you wield that power and what the costs are of sleeping with guys you might not be that into. Trust me, he’s getting something out of the bargain, but what are you getting?

  —Ian Kerner, Ph.D, Be Honest—You’re Not That Into Him Either

  As a result, many young women find themselves in relationships headed nowhere with men who are unwilling to make a commitment. In Sex in the City, the main characters were constantly making excuses for men who didn’t follow through in relationships. One of Carrie’s (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) boyfriends finally explained that when guys act that way, it’s simply because “he’s just not that into you.” This concept was so revolutionary that two Sex and the City writers wrote a book on the subject that quickly became a bestseller.

  He’s Just Not That Into You urges women to expect more from men and not make excuses for those who don’t call, are married, cheat, treat them poorly, or refuse to commit. Implicit in this common sense advice is that men often hold more cards than do women in the modern dating game. Women are more likely to want to marry and, due to fertility concerns, feel more pressure and desire to marry earlier than men. As a result, it’s women who often feel helpless while men dictate the nature of their relationships.

  This blockbuster book was quickly followed with a slightly different book and take on the subject. In Be Honest—You’re Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve, author and sex counselor Dr. Ian Kerner urges young women to be aware of how they are slipping into dysfunctional relationships with men that they never liked in the first place. This book is far from a call for women to embrace traditional sexual morals—Kerner celebrates the availability of vibrators and some women’s willingness and ability to have sex for sex’s sake. But it does highlight the practical problems that women face in the new dating arena.

  Kerner hesitates to suggest that women should withhold sex from men as a way of avoiding dysfunctional relationships. He probably recognizes that this is an incredibly politically incorrect conclusion. Yet he can’t entirely avoid it:The potential downside to a scenario where women are as aggressive as men, and where casual sex is an accepted norm, is that the biggest beneficiary of this female empowerment is the male. This is not to say that women should play by certain “rules” or withhold sex. That does not work, and it’s silly gamesmanship. Or is it?

  In fact, women seem hungry for “rules” on how to “win” the dating game. In 1996, when the book entitled The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right was released, it was a smash hit. The Rules purported to give women a roadmap to reclaiming the upper hand in relationships and ultimately to winn
ing a husband. Feminists—and many others—recoiled at this old fashion guide, which offered antiquated advice like “never call a man first” and “don’t accept a Saturday date after Wednesday,” arguably reducing the process of falling in love to a manipulative recipe of dos and don’ts. While these specific mandates may seem jarring and out of place today, they essentially encourage women to reclaim their power by restricting men’s access to them.

  But even women who attempt to follow “The Rules” and change the modern dating dynamic by personally adopting more conventional standards for relationships—such as reserving sex for marriage or delaying sex until a serious monogamous relationship—are affected by the realities of the feminist dating era. A woman who wishes to maintain her virginity until marriage must compete with women willing to have sex before marriage and often without commitment. Her power to control a man and encourage him to offer commitment and marriage, in exchange for greater intimacy, is limited by the ready availability of sex elsewhere.

  Rebuilding courtship

  Glenn and Marquardt offer a few prescriptions for improving the quality of the social environment that young adults face. Among their recommendations are for parents to monitor the activities of their children with the goal of encouraging healthier relationships between young men and women. They highlight, for example, how men’s roles in relationships have become increasingly passive and that men should be encouraged to take greater initiative with women.

  Similarly Wendy Shalit, who wrote A Return to Modesty shortly after graduating college, emphasizes how young men and women long for greater interference and guidance from their parents. Popular culture often derides parents who attempt to limit their children’s activities, particularly their daughters, calling such parents “repressive.” But boundaries are important in helping young women and men avoid heartbreak and create the foundation for lasting happiness.

  Talking Points: Finding Mr. Right

  Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date

  Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls

  Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday

  Always End the Date First

  Don’t Open Up Too Fast

  No More Than Casual Kissing on the First Date

  Don’t Rush Into Sex

  The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider; New York, Free Press, 1996.

  This doesn’t mean that we need to turn the clock back to an era where women waited by the phone and never initiated a first kiss. But it’s important for young women (and men) to be aware of the pitfalls of modern dating and to consider how to create a culture more conducive to healthy, lasting relationships.

  Top Ten Things Young Women Need to Know (That Feminists Won’t Tell Them!)

  10. Flowers, candy, and opened doors aren’t weapons of oppression. Chivalrous gestures show a guy actually respects you and may be interested in a relationship.

  9. You’re most fertile in your twenties. During your thirties, fertility declines and many women have trouble getting pregnant after age 35. Plan ahead!

  8. Discrimination isn’t why women make less money than men. Women make different choices and have different priorities which results in them earning less.

  7. Condoms are not a get-out-of-STD-free device—condoms do little or nothing to prevent the spread of several serious STDs.

  6. Kids raised by their parents tend have fewer emotional and behavioral problems than kids who spend long hours in daycare.

  5. Not everyone is doing it. Fewer of your peers than you think are engaging in casual sex—and those who are often regret it.

  4. There’s no shamed in aspiring to marry—married people tend to be happier, healthier, and better off financially.

  3. Divorce doesn’t erase a marriage—it often creates a new set of problems for you and your children.

  2. You should make goals in your personal life just like you do in your career.

  1. Being a woman doesn’t make you a victim. You have choices to make, and to live with. That’s what being liberated and independent is all about.

  Chapter Three

  SEX: LOVE’S GOT SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT

  A young woman reading Cosmopolitan or watching popular television could easily assume that she’s falling down on the job of being a liberated woman unless she’s engaging in casual sex. Feminists long have lamented how society has idealized women’s virtue and encouraged them to be sexual gate keepers. Feminists cheered the sexual revolution that made casual sex more acceptable.

  In reality, women lost the sexual revolution. Women are still more vulnerable than men, and while many women have embraced a casual sexual ethic, they often express regret after engaging in casual sex and lament their inability to separate sex from love. There’s good reason for why women invest emotion in sex and young women should recognize the benefits of embracing an ethic that reserves sex for committed, monogamous relationships.

  Popular culture’s love affair with sex

  In the world of women’s magazines, sex is a recreational activity. Just as a magazine on fishing or cooking offers readers helpful tips for how to get the most enjoyment out of these hobbies, so it is with many women’s magazines and sex. Nearly every magazine’s cover features a sex-sational headline, exemplified by such classic Cosmo how-to manuals as “Cosmo’s Below-the-Belt Guide” (March 2005), “Sex Treats for Him” (April 2005), and “Super Sensual Sex Touch Him Tricks” (May 2005), but not to be outdone by other hard-hitting pieces such as “His Butt: What Your Guy’s Bum Shape Reveals about His Personality” (Cosmopolitan, February 2005).

  Guess what?

  Women lost the sexual revolution.

  Women are still more vulnerable than men and lament their inability to separate sex from love.

  Many women regret casual sex, not just immediately, but also years later when they’ve married or finally found the love of their lives.

  These aren’t tips for how to treat your husband or boyfriend; they’re for any man with whom you happen decide to go to bed. Take the August 2005 issue of Marie Claire. It includes one story entitled “Could Your Guy Pick the Perfect Sex Toy for You?” in which two couples selected a potpourri of sex toys with which to surprise each other and reported back on their reactions. One couple—they’ve been dating for just five months—reported: “The blindfold and the handcuffs were great. And I loved the body paint and the idea of actually painting on the nude for a change! My surprise favorite was the paddle.... the exchange really confirmed how compatible we are, sexually, and otherwise.”

  A few pages later young female readers are presented with “13 Sex Lies You Need to Know!” The important myths debunked in this article include “ex sex is always a bad idea,” “sleeping with a coworker in a no-no,” and “you have to be in the mood every time you have sex.” Another article contains amusing quotes from “ordinary” women answering the question, “What Are You Really Thinking about during Sex?” The women respond with such romantic sentiments as “So glad you remember my name—now will you please stop saying it?” “I can’t believe that hot guy from last night didn’t call. I hope he calls later!” and “Yup, he’s a virgin.”

  Not only do such articles, regularly featured in magazines catering to young women, depict sex as an amusing, meaningless hobby, they also perpetuate the belief that everyone is having sex and lots of it. A woman who isn’t “taking charge of her sexuality” and engaging numerous lovers is missing out.

  This theme is echoed in “must see” television shows like Friends, which repeats endlessly on cable networks in the evenings. Characters who hit a “sexual dry spell” of more than a few months are mocked or receive sympathy for their unusual predicament. Casual sex is also the foundation of many reality television shows targeted to teens, such as The Real World. This series is contrived with the explicit purpose of putting unattached, attractive, college age kids in an intimate living situation, making al
cohol readily available, in order to encourage a barrage of sexual situations. The characters that entangle themselves in the most sexual adventures are rewarded with the most airtime and often end up as pseudo-celebrities. And, of course, in the popular HBO show Sex and the City, the main characters engage countless lovers, often with no expectation of or desire for commitment.

  These shows visibly influence young women. Sex in the City created a rash of aspiring young sex journalists on campuses throughout the country. Natalie Krinsky, author of Chloe Does Yale, launched her writing career with a sex column for the Yale Daily News, featuring headlines like “Spit or swallow: It’s all about the sauce.” Meghan Bainum, sex columnist for The University Daily Kansan, ended up posing in Playboy . Both credited Sex in the City as their inspiration.1 To these young women—and most sex columnists in college newspapers are women—no topic is out of bounds. The clear, underlying message of their columns is that sex, and lots of it, is an expected part of being a college student.

  Of course, this expectation doesn’t end in college. Increasingly our pop culture seems to celebrate—even while still sneering at—infamously promiscuous young women. Monica Lewinsky, the intern who nearly brought down a president with her thong-snapping seduction, forever changed the image of the D.C. junior staffer from aspiring policy wonk to sexual temptress. Monica may have become the butt of a national joke, but she also reaped many rewards from her notoriety. During her twenties, this otherwise unexceptional rich girl opened her own handbag line and hosted, however temporarily, a really bad reality television show.

  Now other young women appear willing to follow in her footsteps. Jessica Cutler—at the time a staffer on Capitol Hill—began Internet blogging about her various sexual adventures with a half dozen men. When the blog was linked to some prominent Washington websites, Jessica scored instant notoriety. She was quickly fired from her job, but ultimately cashed in, at least financially. Jessica posed in Playboy and was reportedly advanced in excess of $100,000 to write a book based on her experience, The Washingtonienne: A Novel.2