The Politically Incorrect Guide to Women, Sex, and Feminism

by Carrie L. Lukas

  —Jaclyn Geller, Here

  Comes the Bride:

  Women, Weddings,

  and the Marriage

  Mystique

  Even as the mainstream feminist movement attempts to moderate its stance on marriage, women’s studies textbooks still present a negative view of marriage. They warn of the dangers to a women’s psyche and encourage women to question whether their desire for marriage is a result of a misogynistic patriarchy rather than a true reflection of their preferences. A chapter entitled “Women’s Personal Lives: The Effects of Sexism on Self and Relationships,” in one introductory textbook includes subheadings such as: “The Case against Traditional Marriage” and “The Feminine Role in Traditional Marriage: A Setup.”

  The textbook avoids condemning the institution of marriage outright—“It is not that feminism is in principle incompatible with marriage. (Although some feminist believe that it is, others do not, and many feminists marry.)”4—and claims simply to take a “more objective glance” at marriage. In truth, marriage is portrayed as an institution designed to benefit men and imprison women. Consider the following passage:The fantasy—the marriage myth, a mystical tale of love, romance, and marriage—for women who marry, for women who do not, and for those who unmarry, exercises incredible power over how we live our lives. Even though the very smallest minority of families fits the fairy-tale version—Mama at home, Papa at work—and even though the very smallest minority of couples live the happily-ever-after-forever romance, the myth functions. It undergirds our expectations and colors our relationships. The marriage myth operates on our consciousness even when it is completely absent from reality, even though the story is utterly false.5

  Utterly false? If there are really young women under the delusion that marriage guarantees life-long bliss, then certainly they should be advised that all relationships, including marriage, will include compromises and some difficult times. However, to call the image of a happy marriage “utterly false” reveals hostility to the institution that’s out of step with the average married woman.

  Women’s textbooks trumpet research suggesting that married women are the most depressed and least happy members of our society. Feminists lament how women typically take on duties such as childcare and housework, even when they work outside the home, while men are expected to do nothing but focus on their careers. Basically, they argue that women get a bad bargain from marriage and should think about renegotiating their contracts.6

  New York University professor Jaclyn Geller’s book, Here Comes the Bride: Women, Weddings, and the Marriage Mystique attempts to convince the reader not only that our culture has placed too high a value on romance and getting married, but that marriage is an evil institution that ought to be shunned by women. She dissects the accoutrements surrounding courtship and the “wedding industry,” highlighting how our society has set up a system of rewards for those who enter matrimony, excluding those who are single.

  She argues that the fixation on this one romantic relationship as the pinnacle of existence crowds out a healthy appreciation for the importance of other intimate relationships, such as friendships and family. Single girls, even in an age when their lives are often depicted as exciting and glamorous, are encouraged to think of their lives as beginning only after they have found a marriage partner. Geller laments the use of the word “single” itself, which fails to acknowledge the myriad relationships enjoyed by unmarried women, implying that there is something missing or that she is “alone.”

  Certainly, it’s important for women and society at large to recognize that getting married isn’t right for everybody and that meaningful lives exist outside of matrimony. The caricatured “spinster” hardly represents the dynamic lives led by many single women. But instead of encouraging greater respect for the choices made by women including the decision not to marry, Geller attempts to corral society into condemning marriage and those who choose to marry—even feminist icons. She considers Gloria Steinem’s decision to marry as a betrayal, adding:I would argue that choosing to uphold an institution rooted in the barter of women as property, an institution that devalues friendship and envisions female existence in terms of a romantic narrative of male redemption, is not valid, not right at any age.7

  This hostility to marriage simply ignores its many benefits and the important function it provides to society.

  Popular culture: celebrating weddings, not marriage

  While feminist instructors may warn young women away from the altar, many other messages young women receive outside the classroom continue to foster the desire to get married. Glenn and Marquardt’s study of college women found that more than eight in ten of those surveyed still thought “being married” was an important goal and more than six in ten hoped to meet their future spouse during college.

  Women are reminded of the desirability of getting married—and weddings in particular—with every trip down the grocery store aisle. Women’s magazines regularly describe how to get your significant other to pop the question and entire magazines are dedicated to planning the perfect wedding, honeymoon, and bridal showers. It’s no wonder that the bridal industry is a $35 billion business annually in the United States.8

  What a Feminist Icon Said:

  “I believe in marriage. I think intimacy, bonding, and families have value.”

  —Betty Friedan

  http://www.csmonitor.com/2006/0207/p02s02-ussc.html

  Comparatively little ink is given to the meaning of marriage after the wedding cake top is put in the freezer (unless it’s about improving your sex life). In popular culture, weddings are typically the ending, and the happy ending, of a television series or a movie.

  This decade has seen a rash of reality television shows from Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire and The Bachelor that use marriage as a prize in sort of game show. Friends concluded with a string of marriages, but these seemingly serious events were overshadowed by the sitcoms casual treatment of marriage, from Ross’s series of divorces, Phoebe’s green card-seeking husband, to Ross and Rachel’s short-lived Vegas wedding.

  Real-life marriage is more than a wedding. Marriage is a lifetime commitment that requires long-term perspective. This is particularly true given the increased prevalence of divorce in American culture. Fewer and fewer young women and men are growing up in households that provide the best role model for how marriage is supposed to work in real life: married parents.

  It’s particularly important for young women from broken homes to hear the facts about the positive side of marriage. Everyone knows that nearly half of marriages fail. But that cup-half-empty statistic also means that more than half of marriages (and well more than half of first marriages) succeed. Young women need to know that achieving life-long companionship with a spouse is possible and that marriage has many important benefits in terms of your health, financial security, and long-term happiness.

  Marriage: happier ever after

  Waite and Gallagher, in The Case for Marriage, have catalogued research on the effects of marriage on both men and women. They conclude that both genders exhibit better mental health and are happier when married than when single, cohabitating, divorced, separated, or widowed.

  Waite and Gallagher highlight several studies that support this finding. One of the most convincing is a longitudinal study that tracks the same individuals over time. The researchers followed up initial interviews after five years, during which time some of the subjects married, others divorced or separated, and some remained single. They found that marriage substantially improved individuals’ mental health while divorce and separation were associated with deterioration in mental and emotional well-being. Waite and Gallagher note the importance of this study since it looked at individuals before and after they experienced a change in marital status, and were therefore able to rule out the hypothesis that happier people marry:They found the act of getting married actually makes people happier and healthier; conversely, getting a divorce reverses these gains—ev
en when we take into account prior measures of mental and emotional health.9

  Waite and Gallagher also highlighted data from a survey of fourteen thousand adults, in which married men and women were significantly more likely to report that they were satisfied with life. Forty percent of married individuals said they were very happy compared to less than one-quarter of those single and cohabitating, 15 percent of those separated, and 18 percent of those who were divorced.10

  Married people also were about half as likely as singles or cohabitators to report general unhappiness with their lives. Those individuals who were divorced were two-and-a-half times more likely to report being “not too happy,” and the widowed almost three times more likely.11

  It’s notable that, in all cases, less than a majority of women interviewed report that they are generally “very happy” with their lives. This supports feminist claims that young women should not delude themselves that marriage guarantees bliss or even a consistent state of “happily ever after.” But the contention that marriage is the cause of unhappiness is not supported by the facts. Evidence suggests that marriage increases the odds of long-term happiness compared to the other paths women can take in their relationships.

  The Pew Research Center for the People & the Press surveyed 1,101 American women in 1997 and asked about their attitudes towards marriage. While married women responded overwhelmingly that their marriage was a source of happiness, nearly half also revealed that it was a source of frustration: “Nine out of ten women say their marriage makes them happy all or most of the time. Nearly half find it frustrating at least some of the time.” 12

  Feminists would note that it is impossible to isolate “true” happiness since a portion of a married woman’s happiness may be attributable to meeting some social norm. She has successfully fit in, and thus has avoided the societal condemnation that comes with being a “spinster,” “divorcee,” or even a widow.13

  A Book You’re Not Supposed to Read

  The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially , Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher; New York, Doubleday, 2000.

  Undoubtedly, social pressures—both positive and negative—play a role in the decision to marry. Young women should be aware of how such pressure affects their decisions and may drive them to enter an unwise marriage. But feminist educators cheat women by ignoring their desire to marry and evidence of their higher levels of happiness. Discounting women’s responses or insisting that their desires are actually the result of male manipulation smacks of the kind of sexism that feminists claim to abhor.

  Marriage: a good financial plan

  Marriage is also good for women’s pocketbooks, savings, and long-term financial stability. Couples who stay married are far less likely to slip into poverty than people who never marry.14 Most of the book, The Two-Income Trap, written by Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi, is dedicated to the financial problems faced by many American families; in particular, dual-earner couples who rely on both salaries to make ends meet. But it also highlights some of the ways that marriage helps ward off financial hardship. A stay-at-home spouse is compared to a “safety net” or an insurance policy.15 If the other spouse loses a job or gets ill, the stay-at-home spouse can look for outside work in order to make up for any loss of income.

  Marriage also helps encourage thrift because spouses who are more responsible about handling money tend to take on a disproportionate share of those tasks.16 Marriage also appears to encourage savings. Waite and Gallagher highlight a study of people’s savings behavior over a five year period and found that the assets of couples who stayed married increased by more than 7 percent per year. These effects could not be explained by improved education, health, or even higher earnings. 17

  Marriage leads to better health

  Data suggests that married women are better off in terms of health. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention conducted a survey of 127,545 adults over age eighteen, and found that those who were married generally were healthier than their non-married counterparts:Regardless of population subgroup (age, sex, race, Hispanic origin, education, income, or nativity) or health indictor (fair or poor health, limitations in activities, low back pain, headaches, serious psychological distress, smoking, or leisure-time physical inactivity), married adults were generally found to be healthier than adults in other marital status categories.... The one negative health indicator for which married adults had a higher prevalence was overweight or obesity.18

  This report found married adults were less likely to suffer from health conditions such as headaches and serious psychological distress, and were less likely to engage in risky behaviors such as smoking, heavy drinking, or physical inactivity.19

  There are several potential causes for the link between marriage and health. For men—who experience the greatest gains in health from marriage—the reasons seem obvious: Wives nag their husbands to go to the doctor and discourage unhealthy behaviors like heavy drinking and smoking. For women, the increase in wealth may be among the most significant factors in improving their health. But both men and women may enjoy health benefits from marriage simply because a sick spouse may feel as if he or she has something to live for and because of the extra care and support given by the marriage partner.20

  The sexier side of marriage

  A running joke in the popular 1990s sitcom Married with Children is Peggy Bundy’s constant pestering of her husband, Al Bundy, for sex. Sex with his wife is depicted as the ultimate chore for Al, who would much rather plop down on his couch and watch TV.

  It may surprise some to read that—in spite of the dearth of images of sex within the confines of marriage in a culture otherwise saturated in sexual imagery—married women report higher levels of sexual activity and satisfaction than their single counterparts. In a survey of 3,500 adults conducted by Edward Laumann at the University of Chicago, 42 percent of married women said they found sex extremely emotionally and physically satisfying. Just 31 percent of single women who had a sex partner reported the same level of satisfaction.21

  Shacking up isn’t the same as tying the knot

  Some young women may think that they don’t need marriage to realize these benefits: Cohabitation—or living with your significant other—fills the same purposes as marriage while avoiding the downsides of commitment and the potential for having to legally divorce.

  Many more Americans are choosing to cohabitate. In 1970, about 500,000 opposite-sex couples lived together; today, nearly five million couples are doing so. More than half of all couples getting married this year have lived together.22 Few couples choose to cohabitate indefinitely, most either marry or break up within five years. About half of cohabitating relationships ultimately result in marriage and half end up going their separate ways.

  There are many reasons for the surge in couples choosing not to marry—or at least postpone marriage until after they live together. Since premarital sex is no longer taboo in our society, living together has become much more socially acceptable. Many people decide to cohabitate based on financial factors, such as the potential to save on rent and share other expenses. The prevalence of divorce and desire to avoid entering into an unwise marriage may also motivate people to cohabitate in an attempt to better assess if they are compatible over the long term.

  Those attempting to head off divorce by first cohabitating may be disappointed to learn that research suggests that cohabitating may increase the odds of divorce. Couples who live together prior to marriage are twice as likely to divorce as those who don’t and report more arguing, less satisfaction, and poorer communication.23

  Nancy Wartik, writing on the cohabitation phenomenon in Psychology Today, offers the following explanation:Why would something that seems so sensible potentially be so damaging? Probably the reigning explanation is the inertia hypothesis, the idea that many of us slide into marriage without ever making an explicit decision to commit. We move in together, we get comfortable,
and pretty soon marriage starts to seem like the path of least resistance. Even if the relationship is only tolerable, the next stage starts to seem inevitable.

  Because we have different standards for living partners than for life partners, we may end up married to someone we never would have originally considered for the long haul.24

  Wartik describes how cohabitation may lead some men and women to wed “more out of guilt or fear than love.”

  Similarly, Jennifer Roback Morse highlights how cohabitation—by placing two individuals in such an intimate setting where they not only have sex but sleep next to each other each night—helps create an “involuntary chemical commitment.” While the original purpose of cohabitation may have been to expose flaws that would make the marriage ill-advised, in reality, it may make the individuals involved less willing to break off the relationship, even if it’s flawed, by increasing feelings of attachment.25

  Cohabitation can drive individuals to make an unwise marriage, but the opposite also can be true. Many young women who move in with a man expect that it will lead to marriage—researchers have found that women are more likely to see moving in as a step toward marriage than are men—but find out that their partner has different expectations.26 Once they’ve moved in and invested additional time in the relationship expecting to be proposed to, women become more reluctant to bring up the subject of marriage or ultimately to leave the relationship and face the single dating life. Again, age and its fertility implications contribute to this dynamic and make women move vulnerable and less powerful.