Snark! The Herald Angels Sing
Page 7
—MARK TWAIN
Snarkin’ the Holidays
What's the holiday season without New Year's resolutions? Over the years, you've vowed to lose weight, give up fatty foods, quit smoking, find a relationship that goes longer than a night.
None of these resolutions last. Have you ever met anyone who says “My resolution this year changed my whole life”? Me neither. Never happen, so why bother.10
—THE AUTHOR
Sebastian: I was determined to have a happy
Christmas.
Charles: Did you?
Sebastian: I think so. I don't remember much,
and that's always a good sign, isn't it?
—BRIDESHEAD REVISTED
10 My resolution is to never write another snark holiday book.
Women get a little more excited about New Year's
Eve than men do. It's like an excuse: You get drunk;
you make a lot of promises you're not going to keep;
the next morning as soon as you wake up you start
breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
—JAY LENO
A holiday is when you celebrate something that's all
finished up, that happened a long time ago, and now
there's nothing left to celebrate but the dead.
—ABRAHAM POLONSKY
Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no
more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas!
—THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM
New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly,
provided this does not encourage them to take up more
of my time.
—JAMES AGATE
The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either
quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise,
when the evening ends and people pair off,
someone is bound to be left in tears.
—W.H. AUDEN
Next to a circus, there ain't nothing that packs up and
tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
—KIN HUBBARD
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot.
Unless the tests come back positive.
—JAY LENO
Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his
last drink, and swore his last oath. Today, we are a
pious and exemplary community. Thirty days
from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the
winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings
considerably shorter than ever.
—MARK TWAIN
Have a Rama-Hana-Kwaz-Mas. And remember…
it ain't over until the fat angel sings!
In Conclusion
DONE. OVER. FINI. FINITO. Basta. End of story.
You did it. You got through it, with only a few minor scrapes and scratches…basically unscathed. The Super Bowl and Valentine's Day are on their way.11 The tree is gone (or should be); everything has been exchanged, boxed, stored…forgotten until next year, when we will take it all out and do it again. And remember…only 352 shopping days left!
Hey, where'd I put my new gun?
11 Gotta get through Chinese New Year, though.
Acknowledgments
I WISH TO HANG UP stockings and spin the dreidel for the following people:
Mom – who never actually gave me a dreidel (gelt and guilt, yes, dreidel, no), but gave me lots and lots of love; Suzanne, Kristine, Barry, John William, and Sarah – who remind me how much fun the holidays can be; Mark, James, and Miss O – all extraordinary secret Santas. The elves at the Owl; Santa's helpers at Skyhorse; my editor, Ann, who has carefully guided me through Snark Past, Future, and Present; and Rosalind, the best present Christmas morning can bring.