Uncle John's the Haunted Outhouse Bathroom Reader for Kids Only!

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Ike was disappointed. Did Katy not want to kiss him? He leaned toward her, and they air-kissed with their lips a couple of inches apart. Even that was enough to make Brom Brunt, watching from the front row, seethe with rage.

  “Perfect,” said the director. “We’re all ready for the performance.”

  As Ike left the auditorium, he overheard Brom mutter, “I’ll teach that scarecrow a lesson that will make him stay away from Katy forever.”

  Ike hurried toward the woods, glancing over his shoulder to make sure Brom hadn’t followed him. The full moon cast long shadows that seemed to slither between the trees. Ike walked faster. As he crossed the footbridge over the creek, he heard something that could have been twigs snapping beneath boots or skeletal bones rattling or maybe just branches rubbing together in the wind.

  A hair-raising “Hoo-oo-oo” echoed through the woods. It could have been an owl, but the cry sounded eerily human. Ike seriously needed to pee, but he was too afraid to stop before he reached his usual spot. So he gritted his teeth and scurried on.

  That’s when he saw it—a swirling white mass about twenty feet to his right. Ike’s mouth went dry with fear. Wide-eyed and trembling, he broke into a trot. The ghost let out a horrible laugh and kept pace. Ike stretched out his long legs and ran for it. He stumbled over roots and rocks. Low-lying branches slashed his face, but he didn’t slow down. He could hear the ghost a few steps behind him and getting closer by the minute.

  A desperate (and rather embarrassing) escape plan flashed in his adrenalin-washed brain. He hopped over a fallen log and sprinted into the hemlock hollow, dashing straight for the slippery spot where he peed every day. At the last second, he leaped over the wet spot. The ghost—cold on his heels—did not. Ike heard feet slipping and sliding, then a thud followed by a strangled cry that told him that his pursuer had hit hard.

  “Help!” called a pain-wracked voice. “Please! Help me!” Then he heard sniffs and a disgusted voice saying, “What the heck is that smell?”

  Ike felt like running all the way home and slamming the door shut behind him. Then he asked himself what Prince Charming would do.

  The next night, Ike and Katy peered through the curtains at the packed auditorium. Brom Brunt sat in the front row, crutches by his side, with his leg in a brand-new cast. In just a few minutes, the play would begin. Katy let the curtain fall shut. She turned to Ike. “I was wondering,” she said, “if maybe we should practice a bit.”

  “We’ve been practicing for two weeks,” Ike said. “I think we’re ready.”

  Katy leaned forward. When her face was inches from Ike’s, she said, “But we never practiced this.” And she kissed him squarely on the lips.

  (HOPEFULLY NOT) THE END

  SAME MOLD, SAME MOLD

  Your parents probably told you not to play with your food, but did they say not to do science experiments with it? We didn’t think so.

  WHAT YOU NEED:

  •Slice of bread

  •Cheese

  •Fruit, such as apples or oranges

  •2 zip-top plastic bags

  •Water

  •Masking tape

  •Sharpie type marker

  WHAT TO DO:

  1.Use the marker to write “DRY FOOD” on one bag. Write “WET FOOD” on the other bag.

  2.Tear or cut two 1-inch squares from the slice of bread, piece of cheese, and piece of fruit.

  3.Put one piece of each in the DRY FOOD bag.

  4.Dip the remaining pieces in water and put them in the WET FOOD bag. Keep the bag unsealed for about an hour, and then seal it.

  5.Leave both bags in a place where they won’t get much light and won’t be disturbed.

  6.Mold is slow and sneaky, so check the foods daily. It may take a week or two to see the seriously scary stuff. Look as closely as you can, but don’t open the bags (see warning on the next page). Which foods grew mold? Did wackier mold come from the wet or dry foods? Do all the molds look the same?

  Warning: When you’re done, throw away the bags without opening them. Breathing in mold can make you sick.

  DR. JOHNENSTEIN SAYS: Molds are microscopic fungi. Under the right conditions, they grow into colonies that can be seen without a microscope. The best condition for growing super-scary mold? Warm, damp, and humid (like the inside of a plastic zip-top bag filled with wet food).

  A FEW MOLDY FACTS

  •No one knows how many mold species exist, but there may be as many as 300,000 kinds.

  •You can’t get away from molds: They’re in the air you breathe and are found both indoors and outdoors.

  •Molds produce tiny “spores” that spread through the air like seeds. Lucky spores land in a perfect place to grow (like inside your nose—so don’t open the bags!).

  •Molds can be any color, including white, orange, green, and black.

  •Lots of mold grew in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina hit in August 2005. After opening up one building, workers saw something “beautiful” on the ceiling: rings within rings in different colors of yellow and gray. What were they? Mold colonies.

  •Molds are even tough enough to survive in the Antarctic. They feed on any organic material they can find, including moss and penguin carcasses.

  TERRIBLE TYRANTS

  Who put the “rot” in rotten? These guys.

  TYRANT: Emperor Nero, “The Beast”

  WHERE AND WHEN: Rome (A.D. 37–68)

  THE TERRIBLE DEEDS: Historians say that Nero dressed people in animal skins and had them attacked by wolves. He boiled villagers in oil. He made people into human candles to light his gardens. In A.D. 64, fire swept through the city of Rome. Some say Nero “fiddled while Rome burned,” but since the fiddle had not yet been invented, writers who used that phrase probably meant “fiddled around.” In other words, Nero did something frivolous instead of something helpful. One Roman historian said Nero set the fire himself to get rid of “ugly buildings.” Probably not. But he did manage to blame the Christians for the fire, and then had thousands of them fed to the lions as punishment.

  WHY DID HE DO IT? Many believe Nero was insane. His mother set his bloody reign in motion by murdering her uncle to make her 16-year-old son emperor.

  THE TYRANT’S DOWNFALL: After Rome burned, the people of Rome had finally had enough. Nero was removed by the Senators and declared a public enemy, doomed to die. When soldiers came for the tyrant, he stabbed himself in the neck. He seemed to have fiddled about with his own suicide, as his servant had to push him onto his sword to finish the job.

  TYRANT: Attila the Hun, “The Scourge of God”

  WHERE AND WHEN: Central Asia (A.D. 406–453)

  THE TERRIBLE DEEDS: Attila was so short he was almost dwarfish, but that didn’t slow him down. He did most of his killing on horseback, like his warrior ancestors. He and his horde of Huns would gallop into a town and cut down anyone in their path. They’d murder men, women, and children; steal what they wanted; and then ride on to the next town or country. Even his wives were cruel. It’s said one of them murdered and cooked two of his sons from a different wife and served them to him for dinner. Parts of the Great Wall of China were built to stop Attila, and Hungary bears this warrior’s name.

  WHY DID HE DO IT? Because a Hun’s gotta do what a Hun’s gotta do. He came from nomadic people who lived by stealing from other villages. He just happened to do it on a bigger and better scale.

  HIS DOWNFALL: The night he married his seventh wife, he went to bed drunk. During the night he got a nosebleed and choked to death on his own blood.

  TYRANT: Tamerlane, “Conqueror of the World”

  WHERE AND WHEN: Asia (A.D. 1336–1405)

  THE TERRIBLE DEEDS: Tamerlane was like a steamroller rumbling across Central Asia, Turkey, and India, destroying everything and everyone in his path. His enemies were tortured, buried alive, cemented into walls, sliced in half at the waist, beheaded, and hung. He left behind pyramids made of townspeople’s skulls: 90,000 skulls in Baghdad alone
. He liked to call himself “The Sword of Islam.” Scholars estimate that Tamerlane and his army murdered more than 17 million people—5 percent of the world’s population.

  WHY DID HE DO IT? He wanted to restore the power others had taken from his people, the Mongols. Though he walked with a limp and was unable to use his right arm, Tamerlane (“Timur the Lame”) also wanted to rule the world. He almost succeeded. The more outrageously he behaved in one city—by cruelly butchering every inhabitant—the more likely the next city would surrender without a fight.

  HIS DOWNFALL: Tamerlane was on his way to conquer the Chinese Empire when winter hit and he died of a cold.

  Want to meet more terrible tyrants? Turn to page 210.

  •••

  FEAR FACTOR: “Black widow” is a slang term for women who murder their husbands for money. Betty Lou Beets of Gun Barrel City, Texas, killed at least three of her five husbands and buried them in the yard outside her mobile home. Motive: pensions and life insurance money.

  FEED THE ANIMALS

  Q: What happens when you give Halloween pumpkins to zoo animals? A: They get gourd!

  THERE’S A NEW HALLOWEEN TREND at zoos in the U.S. and around the world. Seems they’ve started offering pumpkins to zoo animals as Halloween treats. “They love them,” said Tony Franceschiello, Senior Keeper at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park. Most zoo animals have never seen a pumpkin, so they’re drawn to the bright orange squash.

  Some animals—such as elephants—know exactly what to do pumpkins. “Elephants pretty much crush them,” said Franceschiello. “They’re melon eaters anyway.” A hippo at Chicago’s Brookfield Zoo tried to devour her pumpkin, but her huge tusks got in the way. A cheetah cub at the Whipsnade Zoo in England had better luck: it bit the pumpkin’s eye out. (Yum!)

  Other animals need more encouragement. San Diego zoo keepers put yummy surprises inside for the meerkats. “We spice them up with meal worms,” said Franceschiello. Pumpkins for the bat-eared foxes are stuffed with live mice and crickets. Red river hogs like their pumpkins scary. “We put different faces on the pumpkins so they look scared or mad or something,” Franceschiello said. “The hogs attack them!”

  BANISH TROUBLE

  Homework? Zits? Cockroaches? Our sources say this amazing spell will get rid of things you don’t want.

  WHAT YOU NEED:

  •1 apple

  •2 or 3 mint leaves

  •1 skewer

  •1 ribbon

  WHAT TO DO:

  1.Cut the apple in half to reveal the star at its center. Rub one half of the apple with mint leaves and repeat, “Go away [fill in what you want to banish here].”

  2.Use the skewer to carefully rejoin the two halves of the apple.

  3.Tie the ribbon around the apple and skewer.

  4.Bury the apple in backyard.

  WHAT WILL HAPPEN: Our source claims that as the apple rots, whatever has been troubling you will disappear.

  •••

  THE BODY FARM

  If you can read this article without blowing chunks, crime-scene investigation might be the career for you!

  SCHOOL OF THE DEAD

  Imagine a three-acre forest littered with bodies—some in black plastic bags, some in cardboard boxes, some hidden in car trunks, and others simply lying on their backs with frozen eyes staring skyward. The whole place is surrounded by a razor-wire fence, not to keep the dead in, but to keep the living out. Creepy? Sure. Real? You bet! It’s the Anthropological Research Facility (ARF) of the University of Tennessee. It was nicknamed “The Body Farm” by the FBI, and it’s for students who study how the body decays.

  Corpses have a lot to teach students: from the obvious—race, gender, and age—to the hidden—when and how a person died. It’s the kind of information police detectives and FBI agents need to solve murders. Each year about 45 corpses make ARF their final resting place, all in the name of forensic anthropology: the science of examining human remains to solve mysteries.

  WORKING STIFFS

  Exactly what happens to the body when a person dies? First, it begins to stiffen—that’s called rigor mortis. The stiffening lasts for the first 48 hours after death. The body also begins to cool, which is known as algor mortis. The body’s temperature drops about 1 degree Fahrenheit every hour after death until it matches the temperature around it. After three days, the body turns from green to purple to black. And then it starts to rot. Once that happens, crime-scene investigators look for other clues to how long the corpse has been dead. They start with…bugs.

  STOP BUGGING ME!

  Bugs help bodies decompose. As the body rots, bugs show up in a specific order, called insect succession. First, blowflies buzz in and start to eat the corpse’s body fat. Next, flesh flies arrive and lay eggs. When the eggs hatch, they become maggots. The maggots carry with them bacteria that settle in the abdomen, lungs, and skin of the corpse. Then beetles show up. They lay eggs, too. Other insects scurry over to feed on maggots and beetle larvae. By checking which bugs are on (or in) a body, scientists can tell just how long it has been there.

  THE BODY BOUQUET

  Dr. William Bass—who founded ARF in 1971—said that the body emits 450 chemicals as it decays. And each stage of decay has a unique smell. Bass has given the stages names, such as putrescine and cadaverine. Being able to sniff out the stage is important: It helps investigators pinpoint the time of death. With 45 bodies rotting, the stench at the body farm can get pretty strong. (Locals call the place “BARF.”) So how do investigators sniff out a single chemical? With a handheld electronic “nose” invented by an ARF student. The device uses aroma-scan technology developed for the food and wine industry and can sniff out the time of death by identifying the chemicals in a corpse.

  SKULL AND BONES

  It takes about a month for chemicals and bugs to liquefy a body. The corpse’s remaining tissue begins to melt into the ground, leaving only the skeletal remains and what’s called a volatile fatty acid stain. Once that happens, forensic scientists look to bones for clues. Another ARF scientist, Dr. Richard Jantz, developed a computer program that can determine the age, gender, race, and height of a skeleton. His software has been used to identify victims around the world and to provide evidence during criminal trials.

  DYING TO GET IN

  So, where does ARF get the bodies for the farm? People donate them at the rate of 100 a year. Bodies spend about two years at the farm. Then the bones are cleaned, labeled, and put into the William M. Bass collection, which now holds 1,000 specimens. Want to be sent to the body farm? Just contact the University of Tennessee at Knoxville. As of today, 2,750 people have donated their bodies to ARF. Just don’t forget to tell your family. “We will not fight your family for your body,” says ARF.

  10 SCARY THINGS TO DO AFTER DARK

  But only if you dare!

  1.Sit in your closet with the lights out. Don’t make a sound…just listen. After a few minutes, you’ll start hearing sounds you may never have heard before.

  2.Prop up a flashlight so it shines on a wall. Shape your hands in front of the light to make giant monsters such as Godzilla and other movie beasts. Practice until you can make the monsters fight. Then find an audience and stage a shadow-puppet monster smack-down.

  3.String a white sheet on a rope between two trees. Shine a light on the sheet, and use an insect guide to identify the bugs that land on it.

  4.Host a horror-movie night. Beforehand, put together a bone-chilling costume. Once the horror starts rolling, excuse yourself for a bathroom break, change into the costume, and burst back into the room. Terrorize the audience for a few seconds, then casually sit down and start munching popcorn. Warning: Terror may cause someone to pee on your couch.

  5.In complete darkness, take turns with a friend drawing pictures of well-known monsters (Werewolf, Swamp Thing, Dracula, and so on). Turn on the lights to see the results.

  6.Creep around every room in your house and take note of which stairs or floorboards make the
spookiest creaks and groans. Then use those spots for a game of “Hide and Creep.” Choose someone to be “It.” With the lights out, players create creaks or groans and then hide. “It” follows the sounds to find each player. Whoever gets tagged first becomes the next “It.”

  7.Grab your brother or sister or a buddy. Find a flashlight for each of you. Shine the lights under your chins and make grotesque faces. Whoever laughs first loses.

  8.Have a parent hide weird objects around the house or backyard. Play flashlight hide-and-seek to find them.

  9.While stargazing, come up with haunting names for constellations, such as “the Witch’s Cauldron” for the Big Dipper.

  10.Cut off the bottom and cut open one side of large black plastic trash bags to make black sheets. On a moonless night, head to a unlit park, field, or big yard. Divide into teams: Vampires vs. Zombies. Give a sheet to each Vampire. While Zombies count to 100, Vampires hide beneath the sheets. A Zombie must pull the sheet off each Vampire (and make it a Zombie) before the Vampire can grab the Zombie’s ankle (and turn it into a Vampire). The game ends when everyone is either a Vampire or a Zombie.

  URBAN LEGENDS

  Sometimes, there’s truth behind those spooky legends!

  WHAT’S UNDER THE BED?

  THE STORY GOES: A couple on a road trip rolls into a town late at night. After checking into a hotel, they try to get some sleep, but there’s a weird smell in their room that gets worse and worse as the night goes on. In the morning, they complain about the smell. A housekeeper comes to check it out while the couple looks on. The smell seems to be strongest around the bed, so all three of them lift the mattress—only to find a dead body stuffed underneath the bed.