‘Holly, please, come on. Have a drink of water and try again.’ Freddie was being sweet which worried me because although I adore him, he’s not a sweet person.
‘Why?’ I asked.
‘Why what?’
‘Why are you so convinced that I’m pregnant.’
‘It adds up. Firstly you get sick, then you stop, and you put on weight, and you haven’t had a period and you don’t like the taste of cigarettes. I recognise those symptoms.’
‘But you’re not an expert are you?’
‘My sister remember. I am not doing this to torture you, but if you are pregnant, and if you have been for a while, then you need to know.’
‘Did you think about this before today?’
‘No. I thought there was something, but it was only today it fitted into place. Holly, please, I might be wrong, humour me. Do another test.’
I obliged, and although it took longer for me to pee this time, I did eventually. Once I’d finished, I wiped the test again, washed my hands and left the room. Freddie walked into the bathroom as I walked out. There wasn’t enough time for me to think about it, there wasn’t enough time for me to feel anything.
I was too busy trying not to cry.
I sat on the sofa, and Freddie walked in. ‘You’re pregnant.’
‘I’m...I’m not.’ I burst into tears. Freddie came to sit beside me and hugged me.
‘Two tests, and don’t say it was a faulty batch because I got two different brands.’
‘They could still be wrong,’ I looked at him as a child would, trying to get him to take it all back.
‘They’re pretty accurate Hol.’
‘You don’t understand, I can’t be pregnant.’
‘Why not? You’ve got Joe. George has gone, Joe loves you, and you love him. What’s the problem?’
‘Did I tell you that when George issued the court summons, Joe asked me to marry him?’
‘No, you didn’t.’
‘Well he did and I said no because he only wanted to marry me to stop George from having a leg to stand on in this court case.
‘You did the right thing.’
‘Yes, but then after the case he asked me again. He said he wanted to marry me more than anything, he said that although he’d asked for the wrong reasons the first time, he now knew it was the right thing to do.’
‘Well that’s brilliant isn’t it? He won’t mind about the baby as he’s already made a commitment to you for the rest of your lives.’
‘Freddie, those tests, they don’t tell you how pregnant you are do they?’
‘No, but it can’t be much.’
‘It’s at least two months since my last period, maybe three.’
‘So?’
‘So, I don’t know...I mean I can’t be sure who the father is.’ The tears had stopped now and the fear started. I had uttered words I never thought I would ever utter. Freddie had his arm round my shoulders; he squeezed my hand, looked at me.
‘I think you better explain.’
‘Remember at the beginning of December when George first came home?’ Freddie was looking at me oddly, but he nodded. ‘Well, remember I told you he tried to kiss me?’ Again, he nodded. ‘I lied.’ I stood up and walked over to the window. ‘He didn’t try to kiss me, I let him. He initiated it, but I let him. Then I let him take me to bed, and I let him...’ My body rocked with tears.
‘You had sex with George?’
‘Yes, and I still don’t know why. That’s why I didn’t tell you, or tell anyone. I couldn’t remember ever feeling so stupid, so used or so humiliated. I didn’t do it because I wanted to, but I don’t know why I did. I didn’t stop him, I didn’t protest. I let him and I even...oh shit, I even orgasmed.’ I was crying too much to continue.
‘Shit! Shit, Holly.’ Freddie came to the window and hugged me.
‘Afterwards I blocked it out. I almost convinced myself that I didn’t do it. I felt wretched for Joe, how could I have done that to him? The week after, he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him and I did and I do. That wasn’t a lie. And after I’d slept with George, he told me about Julia and his plan to marry her and how he just wanted to check that I wasn’t the one for him. And then he said I wasn’t. So I thought that he would marry her and I’d be with Joe and we’d be all right, no one need ever know about it.
‘But then George came back and even then I blocked it out, I never admitted it to myself even when he told me I had to marry him. The court case and everything, I really thought he might sue me and I thought that maybe he’d win and it was all so horrible because all I wanted was to be thirty, to be grown up and to be in love and that all happened but then it all went wrong and now I’m pregnant and I don’t know who the father is.’
Freddie looked as if he wanted to cry. ‘Holly, that was back in the beginning of December. That would make you just over three months’ pregnant. Surely you can’t be that pregnant, you’d have noticed.’
‘You think so? Everything adds up. I am on the pill and I was then, and I have no idea how it failed, but it did. I can’t be sure how pregnant I am, and until I am sure I won’t know if I can be sure about the father. I feel like such a slut.’
‘You’re not a slut.’
‘How can you say that?’
‘Because I know you, and I don’t understand this weird bond you have with George, but I can almost understand that you would do what you did without meaning to.’
‘No one else will understand though will they? Joe won’t.’
‘I have no idea.’
‘What am I going to do?’
‘You’re going to have a relaxing bath, I’m going to make lunch, then we’ll talk.’
‘OK.’
I lay in the bath covered with soothing bubbles. I touched my stomach but it didn’t feel different. My boobs had grown a bit I think, but not much. If anyone would have noticed that I guess it would have been Joe and he hadn’t said anything. But then most men would know better than to draw their girlfriends’ attention to the fact that she’d put on weight. I tried to pull myself together, as I seemed to have been doing for the last couple of months. Life was disrupting but this was way beyond that. I didn’t know how I felt about the baby, because I didn’t know whose it was. I needed to see a doctor, and I needed that doctor to tell me that I was only two months’ pregnant because then the baby would be Joe’s. If that were the case then I could put the whole sorry mess behind me and carry on as planned.
We’d have a shotgun wedding. Me resplendent in white with a huge bump and him looking smart in grey or in a morning suit or maybe black tie. A black-tie wedding would be nice. Everyone would look smart and no one would be wearing floral monstrosities. I guess I wouldn’t be able to get drunk, but that would be a good thing because then I would remember the whole day perfectly. I would carry lilies, the ones that looked like trumpets because they always reminded me of winter. And I’d have a faux fur-lined coat, and I’d look like the snow queen, although I am not sure if she was a goody or a baddy but I’d be a good snow queen. That was it, I could focus on the wedding because the baby would be Joe’s and we’d be a family. We would be a family before we planned to be, but that didn’t mean that we wouldn’t be happy. I just knew we’d be really happy.
But, if my worst fears were confirmed and I had no idea who the father was, then would I feel differently? Should I have an abortion, get rid of it before it begins to disrupt my life? I pinched myself hard at thinking such a cruel thought, but then I tried to cut myself some slack. The only innocent party in all this was the baby. And I had no doubt that it was a baby. I even thought of it as so. I have never believed in the anti-abortionist lobby. I would rather a child wasn’t brought into the world if it weren’t going to be loved, but all of a sudden I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I wanted this baby. I couldn’t comprehend not having it, with or without Joe as the father.
The jolt of maternal feelings I had threw me off balance. I wasn’t sure if
it was my age, or what, but I wanted this baby. It was the one thing I was sure of.
Finally when I emerged from the bathroom, Freddie had not only made lunch, but he’d written the proposal for our work project, the one I was supposed to be writing. I burst into tears again.
‘Don’t you like tuna?’ he joked and I laughed. That was friendship, Freddie was friendship. George wasn’t a friend any more and if I was going to keep my sanity I would have to fight him. I read the proposal while I ate the tuna sandwich and although I changed a couple of things, it was fine.
‘One down, five to go,’ I quipped.
‘We don’t have to,’ Freddie said.
‘We do. You’ve given up your day off to help your ailing boss, when you could have been plotting my downfall and stealing my job.’
‘That would be too easy. You know how much I like a challenge, it’ll be much harder for me to help you keep your job than get you fired.’
I laughed, properly, and put everything apart from work to the back of my mind. The afternoon was much better than the morning. Focusing on work was pure therapy and Freddie and I resumed our usual banter. It was only when all the work was finished that I remembered my condition. And the possible repercussions.
‘I’m going to the doctor first thing Monday. I’ll get there when the surgery opens and wait until someone sees me. Until I know for sure how pregnant I am I want to keep this quiet. Just the two of us. Not Joe, not anyone. OK?’
‘OK. Remember before when I told you that you should tell Joe about George? How I told you the longer you kept it from him the worse it would be?’ I nodded. ‘Well, I agree with you this time. Don’t tell Joe until you’re sure. It’s probably his, after all I’m sure you’ve had sex with him loads of times.’
I smiled. ‘What are you doing tonight?’
‘I’ve got a date but I can cancel if you want.’
‘No, I need some sleep. It’s been a confusing, horrible, scary day. I’m going to sleep now and if I wake later I’ll watch TV or something.’
Freddie grabbed his coat and kissed me goodbye. ‘If you need anything, please call, I mean it Hol, middle of the night, anytime. You call me.’
I had tears swimming in my eyes again as I kissed his cheek then watched him leave. I fell into my bed, determined to shut off my mind, and it was very obliging as I succumbed to sleep almost straight away.
Chapter Sixteen
I was woken by the buzzer on Sunday morning, having slept for what seemed like days. I felt a bit disorientated as I pulled on my bathrobe and answered the intercom to Joe. I shuddered as I let him in, then I went to the bathroom to ensure that the pregnancy tests weren’t lying around. I think Freddie must have disposed of them because there was no sign. I opened the door and found Joe waiting.
‘What took you so long?’ he asked, planting a kiss on my cheek.
‘You woke me, I had to get my bathrobe,’ I lied.
‘Why bother, sleepy head, let’s go back to bed.’
‘No, let’s go and get breakfast, I’m really hungry.’ I believe I sounded normal, but I didn’t feel it, and I didn’t want to go to bed with Joe. There was an awful feeling of distaste at the idea of sex. That wasn’t Joe’s fault, but I felt dirty; angry even. If the baby was Joe’s then I could put the other out of my mind, but if it wasn’t, or if I wasn’t sure...I shuddered at the thought.
‘Are you all right?’ Joe asked, as he followed me into my bedroom and watched me grab some clothes.
‘I’m fine, just got a stomach ache,’ I lied.
‘Women’s problems?’ he asked.
‘Something like that.’
I put on my jogging bottoms and a sweatshirt, an outfit that I wouldn’t normally have worn with Joe here, but it was comfortable. I didn’t know if it was wise to shoehorn myself into my jeans, I didn’t know if it would hurt the baby. I was amazed at such thoughts as they crept into my head like that, but I let them. I was half behaving like I was pleased to be pregnant, or at least accepting it, and half behaving like the person I was before yesterday happened. Not pregnant.
We walked to the cafe and I ordered a full breakfast and a cup of tea.
‘I don’t fancy coffee,’ I explained, although I don’t know why because Joe didn’t bat an eyelid. I was on edge about the way I was behaving, which I don’t think was surprising. Here I was harbouring this huge secret and the more I tried to behave normally, the more I thought I was behaving oddly. I felt rotten for lying, but more rotten for what had happened. I almost wanted to tell Joe, so he would punish me and make me feel even worse. It was all I deserved.
‘Right,’ he smiled at me.
‘Did you have fun last night?’ I asked.
‘Yeah. I had to bite my tongue to stop telling them about us, but I managed. Anyway, they would have laughed at how soft I’ve become, so I had to put on my laddish front, you know leering at girls and stuff.’
‘Never had you down as a leerer,’ I smiled.
‘We talked about beer and football.’
‘Not women then?’
‘Nah.’ Joe was so cute; my stomach did a somersault as I looked at him. ‘I tried to call you but I guess you were asleep. I missed you.’
‘Come on Joe, stop being a girl. I was so tired. My body was catching up on the lack of sleep worrying about the court thing.’
‘But you’re OK?’
‘I’m fine, darling.’
I hated it. As soon as I had woken up a bit, I realised that this was the first time I wished Joe wasn’t with me. Ever since I had first met him I hadn’t felt that, and now, I did. I knew it wasn’t Joe, it was the situation. Me being pregnant, not being able to tell him, not knowing if I would ever be able to tell him that it was his. I was terrified, and I hated lying. I was still hoping that when I went to the doctor I might find out that I wasn’t pregnant, or that it was all a huge nightmare, just as I kept hoping that George would go away prior to the court hearing. But he didn’t, just as I knew that this wouldn’t. I remember thinking my twenties were turbulent, but they had nothing on my thirties, and I’d only been in them for a month.
How I got through the rest of the day, I don’t know. Joe wanted to walk on the common after breakfast and I agreed. I thought the cold air and the exercise would do me good. I concentrated harder than ever on him while he talked, so I could answer him, without giving anything away. He wanted to talk about the wedding, he wanted to discuss the ring, he wanted to chat about details and I joined in as much as I could, because I didn’t know if there would be a wedding, not now. I didn’t know anything any more.
I put Joe off sex by claiming my stomach was hurting. He didn’t protest, he was sympathetic which made me feel worse and he held me as we both went to sleep. I didn’t have the ease I’d had on Saturday because everything I’d pushed away when I was with him came back at me with a vengeance. My mind was in turmoil and sleep was impossible. I lay there feeling his arms around me as if he was stopping me from falling, and I hoped, prayed, that those arms would always be there for me.
*
I was up before Joe on Monday morning, telling him I had an early meeting. I left him getting showered as I walked out of the flat and made my way to the doctors’ surgery. As I sat in the waiting room, having been chastised for not having an appointment, and only being allowed to stay because I burst into tears, I felt very frightened and very alone. My mind flooded back to that day in the judge’s chambers with George. He looked so confident when he walked in, I wanted to hit him, but then when he left he looked so dejected. I hadn’t allowed myself to think of him before now, but suddenly I felt sorry for him. He was alone; he had lost the woman he claimed he loved, and soon I might be in the same position with Joe. I tried to concentrate on a poster about pregnancy to take my mind off how I felt, which was incredibly stupid. Then I looked at a poster for chickenpox that made me cry even more. I picked up a tattered old copy of Bella and tried to read it through my tears but every story seemed too sad. Shit,
I hope that I don’t have months of this ahead of me, it’s painful to be so horribly emotional. I really didn’t feel comfortable with it.
A voice shouted my name twice before I noticed and I followed the signs to the doctor’s room. I was pleased to see that it was a female doctor, and I sat down determined not to cry.
‘What seems to be the problem?’ she asked. Her manner was quite brusque, she reminded me more of a schoolteacher than a doctor. In fact she looked a bit like one of my old teachers, her head was covered in tight grey curls and she was wearing glasses. She was probably in her late forties although I had no idea, she was stern but at the same time motherly.
‘I think I’m pregnant. I did two tests and they were both positive.’
‘I’d say you were then.’
‘Don’t you want to give me a test?’
‘Not unless you really want one. Those pregnancy tests are very accurate.’
‘I was afraid of that.’
‘You don’t want the baby?’
I told her the whole story, every gory detail. I was waiting for her to call me names and throw me out, or tell me I deserved everything I got, but she softened towards me.
‘There are ways of finding out. Firstly I will make you an appointment for a scan. As you could be so far gone, I’ll get you a quick appointment. Then we need to look at options. Have you considered an abortion?’
‘Isn’t it too late?’ I don’t know why I didn’t just say there was no way I wanted an abortion, but I didn’t.
‘Until we know how pregnant you are I can’t say. I’ll book the scan now.’ I waited while she made a telephone call. Briefly I thought about an abortion. It would mean that Joe would never need know, if it turned out that it might be George’s. It would also mean that George would never know. But was that what I wanted? I had no idea what I wanted.
She managed to get me an appointment for Thursday, and I took the details and thanked her as I left.
‘If you need to talk about things, you can always talk to me,’ she offered kindly. The second person who’d been nice to me about the pregnancy, and the second person who made me cry.
Deranged Marriage Page 13