by Jayci Lee
The pressure suffocating him lifted off his chest, and he knew that was the right thing to do. He didn’t need to chase success. If it meant he could be with Tara, he would be happy opening a photography studio right here in Weldon. Fashion photography was a job he enjoyed, but it was only a job. Tara … she was everything.
He was confessing his love tonight. He couldn’t contain it any longer.
“This is the last song, baby,” he spoke into her hair, intoxicated by her scent.
“Mmm,” she responded, snuggling deeper into his embrace.
God, she was so lovely. He spread his hands on her back and held her tighter against him. When the song ended, he placed a lingering kiss on her sweet lips.
“Thank you for this dance,” he murmured, pressing his forehead against hers.
“You’re welcome,” she whispered.
He stepped back and got a firm hold of her hand, and didn’t let go as he turned off the lights and locked up the restaurant. He couldn’t bear to break the connection between them. Seth helped Tara into the limo and nodded at the chauffeur, who closed the door behind him.
Seth pulled her close and she laid her head against his shoulder. Playing absent-mindedly with his fingers, Tara stayed silent with her thoughts. Hopefully, she was basking in the warmth of a beautiful prom night. He certainly was. His body felt as though gravity didn’t have as strong a hold on him as usual. This might be what it felt like to walk on clouds.
“Happy?” he asked, kissing the top of her head.
“Very,” she said, lacing her fingers through his.
As the house came into view, Seth’s anxiety overshadowed his happiness. Confessing his love to her could change everything, but change was what he wanted. No more of this spring fling nonsense. He wanted forever with her.
The chauffeur parked the car in the driveway, and came around to open their door. “I hope you guys had a great night.”
“We did,” Seth said, discreetly palming him his tip. “Thank you.”
As the limo drove away, he opened the front door and led them inside the house. His blood pounded loudly in his ears as he headed for the kitchen.
“Do you want some coffee?” he asked, needing something to do.
“Sure.” Tara cocked her head to the side for a second, then followed him. “That sounds nice.”
Seth took out the French press and set the kettle on the stove. His hands shook as he reached for the mugs. He hoped Tara didn’t notice. Just to be safe, he stuck them into his pockets once he set the coffee cups down on the counter.
“Is everything okay?” she asked, a slight frown marring her smooth forehead.
“Yeah. Of course,” he responded a bit took quickly. “I think I was more nervous about tonight than I realized. I’m so relieved everything went as planned.”
“It was perfect. I wouldn’t change a thing about tonight.” She came to him and hugged him around the waist, resting her cheek on his chest. Could she hear how hard it was beating? “Thank you, Seth.”
He sighed and held her close, hoping the rest of the night went as smoothly. She stepped away from him when the kettle began steaming, and allowed him to finish making their coffee. He carried two piping-hot mugs to the kitchen table and set them down.
Tara sat down and held her mug between her hands, blowing on the coffee. She still wore a dreamy expression. Seth allowed himself to feel a moment of pride for putting that look on her face. But the pride was soon overshadowed by good old-fashioned fear. Could he really do this? Confess his feelings to her? Convince her to be his?
It wasn’t the lingering shadow of his past relationship that made him afraid. He realized he was finally over that. It happened a long time ago, when he was just a kid. The love he felt for Tara couldn’t compare to what he thought was love back then. Perhaps that was what paralyzed him with fear. Even the thought of losing Tara overshadowed his heartbreak from college. But if he didn’t do this, he wouldn’t have a chance at keeping her.
Seth couldn’t make himself sit down, so he stood across from where she was sitting, gripping the back of a chair. She closed her eyes as she took a sip of the coffee, then smiled warmly at him.
“You make the best coffee. The only problem is, it makes me crave something sweet.”
“Not a problem. We still have some leftover cupcakes, remember?” He jumped at the chance to forestall the moment that would determine his entire future.
He forced himself to relax his grip on the chair and carefully let go. His fingers felt stiff from holding on to it like a lifeline. Walking slowly to the counter, he picked up the box of cupcakes and a plate for Tara to use.
When he set both of them in front of her, she glanced at her plate and frowned. “You aren’t having any? That isn’t like you.”
“I’m still trying to get the butterflies to settle down in my stomach.”
Looking unconvinced, she took a giant bite of her cupcake and got frosting on the corners of her mouth. Seth plucked a napkin from the stand and knelt in front of Tara. He tenderly wiped away the buttercream. And because he couldn’t help himself, he kissed her softly on her lips.
“I love you, Tara,” he whispered. “I love you so much.”
She became motionless—as still as the moon mirrored on a midnight lake. And ice seeped into his veins and froze his cells. Please say something. Say anything. Please.
“No.” She pushed away from him and shot to her feet.
“No?” His voice sounded as though he was hearing it from under water. He gradually stood from his crouching position.
Tara made a desperate sound and rushed into his arms. His arms automatically wrapped around her, and she kissed him, hard and demanding. He groaned deep in his chest and kissed her back, matching her raw heat. Then, she fumbled for his belt and unbuckled it, snapping him out of the fog of desire.
“Wait,” he said, turning his face away. She pressed her lips against his to stop the words, and unzipped his pants. “Tara. Stop.”
She whimpered, “No, no, no.”
“Tara, look at me.” He held her away with a firm hold on her arms. “We can’t do this right now. We need to talk.”
“But why?” she cried, her eyes desperate and wild.
“Baby, I need you to calm down.” Of all the reactions, this wasn’t what he’d expected. She was falling apart. Oh, God. Was he going to lose her? “I don’t understand what’s going on.”
“Seth…” Her chin trembled, and she clamped her mouth shut and took a deep breath through her nose. “We have a dating dare. We have one more date left.”
“Yes, we do have a dating dare, but it doesn’t have to end with one last date,” he said soothingly. She just needed time for the idea to sink in.
“But we promised not to fall in love with each other.” Her voice rose, and she ripped her arms out of his hands and put the table between them. “You broke the rule.”
“I did.” A corner of his lips lifted in wry humor. “I completely broke the rule. I am so much in love with you.”
“Please don’t say that.” She took another step back.
“Why, Tara? I’m only speaking the truth.” Wanting to ease her worry, he buried his hands inside his pockets, despite his desperation to hold her tight in his arms. “Will you please hear me out?”
“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” she insisted, fire leaping into her eyes.
“It wasn’t. I never imagined I would be able to love again. So deeply that my past relationship feels like child’s play. This is real. It’s mind-blowing and life-altering love.” She stood still and silent, and Seth took that as a small victory. “I love you, and I want to be with you. I need to be with you.”
“But you’re leaving next week.” She shook her head, and her fingers wrestled with each other. “You’re going to be on the other side of the world.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way. I can stay.” He smiled, and nodded encouragingly at her. She was freaking out because she was worried
he would ask her to come with him. “I want to stay in Weldon with you.”
“What?” Incredulity spread across her face, and the bottom dropped out of his stomach. “What the hell, Seth?”
“It’s okay. It’s what I want. I’ll decline my Paris position and open a photography studio here.” His words tripped over each other.
“You’re going to turn down the chance of a lifetime to take small-town wedding photos and pregnancy shots?” she yelled, her hands curled into fists.
“Anything. I’ll do anything to be able to stay here with you,” Seth said, begging her to hear him. All that mattered to him was being with her. She just needed to understand that. “Fashion photography is only a job. I’m not trading a lifetime with you for it.”
“I do not want to be that person who makes you give up your dreams. I cannot be the person that takes away your amazing chance.” A sob escaped her, and she bit her lips to stop the trembling. “I once let a person use my love for him to manipulate and control me. I was so lost that I couldn’t even remember who the real me was. I refuse to do that to you. Don’t make me become that person.”
“You could never be that person to me.” A fine trembling started in his chest. This was about love. Once-in-a-lifetime, soul-mate love. It wasn’t about manipulation or control. Why couldn’t she see that? “Please, Tara. This is my choice. I’m in love with you, and I’m choosing to be with you.”
“No,” she said, unbending in her conviction.
He was beginning to hate that word. She kept saying it, but it wasn’t the right answer. “I’m not asking you to tell me you love me right now. I’m not asking you to decide whether you want forever with me. I just want a chance to stick around and show you how much I love you.”
“There will never be a forever for me.” Her ferocity shot terror through his heart. “You know what’s funny? It was never an issue—your caveat about not falling in love with you. I have nothing left in me to love another person. I’m incapable of loving you.”
“I don’t believe that. You are capable of more love than you can imagine. I’ve felt it. In the warmth of your touch, in the way you make me laugh, from the way your eyes linger on me, and in the way you make love to me. It’s there. You just don’t see it yet.”
“I don’t love you, Seth. I never will.” Her eyes grew dull like she wasn’t with him anymore. Like she’d already left. “Go to Paris. The dating dare is over.”
Seth stood frozen to the spot while Tara moved around the house. When she returned to the kitchen, she was back in her street clothes with her hair loose around her shoulders, and she held the garment bag in her hand. But she was still wearing her corsage. That was the only fact he could focus on.
“Thank you for tonight. I’ll never forget it. This month has been the most wonderful time of my life.” She waited a second, as though she expected him to speak. The fact that he could still breathe surprised him. Speaking was beyond him. “Goodbye, Seth.”
Once the front door clicked shut, the heartache he’d feared so much shattered him. He reached for the wall next to him, and slid down to the floor as the pain crashed into him again and again with undiminishing force.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Tara functioned. She went to work, brewed her beer, tended the bar, and ate and slept. Well, she was being rather generous with the terms ate and slept. She tried to eat, but mostly pushed her food around the plate. And sleep only came to her in angry, dark snippets. But she was doing exceptionally well considering she’d forgotten how to live.
Aubrey was home, but wasn’t due back at work until the following Monday. Other than a quick hello on the phone, Tara hadn’t talked to her. And she couldn’t visit her at her house because Seth was there. He was still close by. That small comfort kept her sane.
She spent most of her time trying to forget Seth’s tender expression—so full of awe and gratitude—when he told her he loved her. No one had ever looked at her as though her existence was the greatest gift in the world. She had to forget all of it. If she let his love sink into her heart, there was no telling what she might do.
She also struggled to not obsess over their one remaining date. It made no sense since she was the one who called everything off, but she’d been greedily guarding the time she had left with him. Now she would never have her last date with him. The deal was to have four dates and to not fall in love, dammit. But what would having one more date accomplish anyway? It would only create more memories to haunt her when he was gone.
Then she would cry without pondering why she felt so wretched. Tara was petrified of thinking about the why. Why her heart burst into fireworks when Seth told her he loved her. Why she was so angry with him. She had broken the man’s heart. He did nothing wrong but love her. But … that was it. Loving her was wrong. He promised he wouldn’t fall in love with her.
Eventually, she would feel hollowed out enough for the tears to stop. And she could return to functioning. Brew, bartend, and pretend to eat and sleep. Her family was watching her with increasing concern, but she couldn’t worry about that. She was holding tight to the string that was keeping the stitches of her life together. One slipup, and she would unravel and fall apart piece by piece.
She was doing the bartending part of functioning tonight. The place was crowded, and she welcomed the noise and bustle. It made forgetting a bit easier, and thinking a bit harder. The perfect combination.
For some reason, she was recommending Buzz Off to anyone who asked. Buzz Off. She liked how the words rolled off her tongue. “Buzz Off.”
“Excuse me?” a customer she hadn’t spotted asked from his seat at the bar.
“Oh, hello. How can I help you?”
“Did you just tell me to buzz off?”
Tara blinked. What the hell was this guy talking about? Why would she tell him to buzz off? Wait … “Oh, no. Not you. Buzz Off is one of our most popular brews, and I was just thinking that it was especially hot tonight.”
“Well, then. I’ll have a pint of that,” the man said, thankfully appeased.
“Buzz Off. Coming right up.”
Buzz buzz buzz. She served the customer his drink. Buzz buzz buzz. She had the wherewithal to be alarmed at how oddly she was behaving. Tara looked down at her hands, and spiraled into a panic. Where was it? Had she let go of the string that kept her life together? The string is in your mind. Right. She turned her mind inward and looked down at her figurative hands. The string had slipped some, but she was still holding on to it. It was a very small piece, and she held on to it with her thumb and index finger. It was such a perilous hold, she didn’t know how much longer she could hang on.
With the last dredges of her will, Tara pulled herself together and went into the kitchen to look for Alex. “Oppa, could you cover the bar for me for a while? I feel weird.”
“Weird how?” he asked, concern drawing his eyebrows down.
“I think I might be dizzy.” She was. She also felt like throwing up. “And I feel a bit nauseous.”
“That doesn’t sound good. You should go home for the night.” Alex reached out to feel her forehead. “You might have a stomach bug or something.”
“No, I’ll be fine soon. I just need some air.” She pecked his cheek. “Thank you.”
When she made it out to the parking lot, Tara headed straight for her car. She was hyperventilating and couldn’t get much air in at all. She opened the door and sat leaning out with her head between her legs. The humiliating position was supposed to help with the hyperventilation.
Once she got her breath back, tears were streaming down her face again. Shiiit. She thought she’d pretty much cried herself out for the day. Now she was going to get dehydrated. Yes, hydration was what she was most worried about. She was losing it. This was an emergency. She fumbled for her phone and typed with shaking hands.
TARA: Code Fuck fuckity fuck.
AUBREY: I thought our emergency code was shit shit shit.
TARA: Aubrey!
&
nbsp; AUBREY: Right. Sorry.
AUBREY: Where are you?
AUBREY: Do you need to talk ASAP?
AUBREY: Do you want me to come right now?
Before she could respond to her best friend’s faster-than-a-speeding-bullet questions, her phone rang.
Without preamble, Tara said, “Yes.”
“Okay. I’m leaving now.” She heard Aubrey shuffling around on the other end. “Landon, I need to go out. Tara needs me.”
“What’s going on? Is she okay?” Landon’s worried voice murmured.
“No, she’s not okay. She used the emergency code.”
“Oh, shit. Why are you still here? Go.”
“Thanks, honey. You know the drill with Morgan, right?”
“Of course, I do. I am her dad.”
“I love you,” Aubrey said.
“I love you, too,” Landon echoed in a soft voice.
Tara could almost see their tender kiss before Aubrey rushed out the door, which shut quite loudly behind her.
“I’m on my way,” Aubrey said briskly. “Where are you?”
“I’m in my car at the brewery parking lot,” Tara replied, suddenly limp with exhaustion. She pulled her legs into the car and shut the door.
“I’ll be right there. Do you want me to stay with you on the phone?”
“No. You should focus on driving. I’ll be fine.”
“Okay. I’ll see you soon. Call me back if you need to. I’m on hands-free mode.”
“Drive safely.” Tara hung up the phone and closed her eyes. She must’ve fallen asleep, because the next thing she remembered was a knock on her car window. She shot up from her seat and almost hit her head on the car ceiling before she got her bearings.
“Tara, are you okay?” Aubrey asked, trying to open the driver’s-side door.
“No,” she waved her friend over to the passenger seat and unlocked the doors. She must’ve locked them at some point. Safety first! The thought struck her as hilarious, and she was cackling like a witch when Aubrey got into the car.
Without a word, her best friend wrapped her up in a warm hug. The hysterical laughter quieted, and her breathing became steady. She hugged Aubrey back, and they sat like that for a few minutes. Tara had missed her while she was away, and now her world seemed normal again. Her life was still fucked up in the normal world, but it was nice to have some stability.