by Jayci Lee
“So I did something while you were gone,” Tara said, sitting back in her seat.
“I’ve been gone for nearly a month. I certainly hope you did something during that time,” Aubrey said lightly, trying to put Tara at ease.
“I met someone…”
“What? Who? When?” Aubrey stopped herself and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. So you met someone.”
“I met someone wonderful.”
Aubrey bit her lips, but managed to remain silent.
“We spent almost a month together and it was incredible. I’ll never forget it.”
“It was? What happened, Tara?”
“We agreed to go on four dates, and he dared me not to fall in love with him,” Tara said, as tears streamed down her face like pouring rain against a windshield. “I laughed at him. He was ridiculously cocky, and I don’t do love, as you know. I told him it won’t be a problem, and made him agree not to fall in love with me either.”
Aubrey nodded slowly as though she was processing every odd detail Tara revealed.
“I kept my end of the bargain. I cared for him more than I’ve cared for any other man, and I knew I would be heartbroken when he left, but I didn’t allow myself to fall in love with him. He filled my world with life and color, but I still didn’t fall in love with him.” Tara’s voice rose as she tried to convince herself with her words. “But he went and ruined everything. He fell in love with me. He wants forever with me. He said he would give up his dream to stay with me.”
“Oh, my God, Tara. It sounds like he really loves you. I know you’re afraid to love again, but Jason was a goddamn abusive asshole. You know not everyone is like that.” Aubrey smoothed back Tara’s hair from her clammy forehead, and squeezed her hand tightly. “Look at Landon. Look at your brothers. Look at Seth. There are good men out there. It sounds like your guy is one of them. You might’ve finally found someone who really deserves you.”
“But what if I’m not good enough for him? If he gives up his dream to stay with me, how am I different from Jason? I would be demanding him to sacrifice who he is. I would be controlling his life, using his love against him. Sooner or later, he’s going to hate me for it.”
“Did you ever ask him to stay with you? To give up his dream?” Aubrey asked.
“No…”
“He’s made his choice, and he chose you. You didn’t do anything to him other than being yourself. You never tried to manipulate him or control him. Tara, it’s his choice and he has every right to make his own decisions.”
Tara heard Aubrey’s words, but they failed to register. She was broken, and being with her was going to ruin Seth just as Jason had ruined her. She’d done the right thing. She gave him his freedom. Nothing was holding him back from following his dreams now.
“It’s too late now anyways,” Tara said hollowly. “I told him I didn’t love him. That I will never love him.”
“Oh, Tara. Did you mean that?”
“I don’t know.”
Then why did it feel like the world was crumbling down around her? Why did it feel as though she was being torn apart cell by cell? She broke his heart. She hurt him. And it hurt her even more. But why?
Because I love him.
Tara couldn’t hide from it anymore. She was hurting because she hurt the man she loved. She couldn’t stand to think that he was hurting as much as she was. Oh, God. She loved him, and when she broke his heart, she broke hers as well.
* * *
“Seth.”
“Yes,” he said, turning toward the door. “What’s up?”
“Is everything all right?” Landon asked. “I had to call you three times before you looked up.”
“Sorry,” he said, closing his laptop. He had just moved up his flight to the next morning. There was no point in staying here any longer. He was only torturing himself. “My mind was literally miles away.”
“So how are you feeling about the move? Excited?” Landon walked farther into the guest bedroom.
Hating to lie to his brother, Seth shrugged his shoulders. “Did you have a chance to check out the website? What do you think?”
“It’s better than I could’ve imagined. I like to just go there and stare at the pictures sometimes.” Landon laughed. “I really appreciate all the effort you put into it. Thank you, little bro.”
“You should thank Tara, too. She was a huge help. Did you know she majored in graphic design?”
“Yeah, Aubrey mentioned it.” His older brother scratched his chin. “So you guys worked on the website together?”
“We did. She’ll be happy you like it so much.” The thought of Tara feeling happy brought a ghost of a smile to his face. “Don’t forget to tell her.”
“I won’t.” Landon’s eyebrows furrowed together as he stared down at his feet. Seth knew him well enough to know what was coming. “You haven’t been yourself the last couple days.”
“No, I haven’t.” There was no denying it. Seth was heartbroken, and he did nothing to hide it.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“Seth—”
“I’m kidding. I don’t mind unloading some of it.” Seth got up from his chair and paced the floor. There was no point sugarcoating it. “I got jilted.”
“Jilted? Were you in a relationship I didn’t know about?”
“Well, yes, but it’s not what you think. I didn’t purposely keep it from you. You just weren’t around. I started dating her when you guys went on your honeymoon.”
“You started something knowing you were leaving in a month? Did she—whoever she is—know about that?”
“Of course. We agreed to go out a few times while I was here, and end it when I left. It was supposed to be a fun distraction for both of us.”
“Then how could you have been jilted?”
“Well, you see,” Seth said with a wry smile, “I fell in love with her, and told her I wanted to stay with her.”
“Holy shit.” Landon plopped down onto the chair Seth had occupied a couple minutes ago. “You fell in love.”
“Hopelessly so.” Seth leaned against the opposite wall and crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before. Not like this. I finally understand why you were such a wreck when Aubrey left you.”
“I almost lost my mind,” Landon agreed. “How … how are you doing?”
“I’m devastated. I hurt everywhere. Even my hair hurts, which is really weird.” Seth laughed quietly. He just missed Tara so much.
“I know how that feels.” Landon hesitated. “I can see how devastated you are, and I’m worried about you. But you don’t seem like a man who just lost the woman he loves. In fact, you seem more like a person who’s found himself. Am I making any sense?”
“You make so much sense that it’s scary. If I believed I really lost her…” His breath caught in his throat and he clutched at his chest. “I can’t even think about that possibility. I couldn’t have lost her, because we belong together. I know she loves me, too, but she has to decide to choose me. I need to give her space and figure out a few things on my end.”
“And then?”
“Once I have my life in order, I’m coming back to convince her that we’re meant to be together.”
“Good for you.” Landon came up to him and folded him into a bear hug. “You’re a better, stronger man than I was in the face of heartbreak.”
“Thanks, hyung.” He hugged his brother back tightly, then let go. “I wish it didn’t hurt so much in the meantime. I miss her so much that I can’t breathe sometimes. It’s taking everything in me not to run to her right now.”
“I’m so sorry, Seth.” Landon sighed deeply. “So is she someone from around here? Would Aubrey know who she is?”
“Yes,” he said, wondering how much he should tell Landon. But what was the point in keeping secrets? They were family and he needed all the support he could get. “Aubrey knows her exceptionally well. It’s Ta
ra.”
“What?” Landon’s voice rang in the room, and he cringed. The baby was asleep, and they listened to hear if she woke up. The house remained silent. With a sigh of relief, his brother said in a more moderate voice, “Tara? How did that happen?”
“It just did. I don’t think anyone can plan who you fall in love with.”
“Of course, kid. I was just surprised.” His eyes suddenly widened. “Aubrey rushed out earlier to see Tara. She said it was an emergency. I wonder if it has anything to do with you.”
“It has everything to do with him.” They turned to the quiet voice in the doorway. Aubrey’s wide eyes filled with tears, and she rushed to hug Seth. “It’s you. You’re Tara’s guy. I’m so glad and so sorry that it’s you.”
“Did you … did you just see Tara?” Seth said, his voice breaking.
“I did. I put her in bed and stayed till she fell asleep.” She searched his eyes. “She’s hurting so much, Seth. She’s so sorry she hurt you.”
It felt as though fire engulfed his heart. He wanted to rush to her side and somehow ease her pain, but he was the source of her pain, wasn’t he?
“She’s hurting?” Landon asked incredulously. “She’s the one who rejected him. How ever much she is hurting, it can’t be a fraction of what Seth is going through.”
“How could you say that?” Aubrey turned to her husband. “She didn’t want to hurt Seth.”
“Well, that certainly didn’t go as she planned then,” his brother mumbled.
Aubrey’s chest rose as she prepared to blast some sense into Landon. Seth interrupted the needless argument. “Landon, relax. And Aubrey, I apologize on my big brother’s behalf. You know he’s always been protective of me. He’s just rearing with guilt because I got hurt and there’s no way for him to fix it.”
“I know,” she said quietly, and took ahold of Landon’s hand. “And I’m just taking my frustration out on him. Sorry for being such asses.”
“What can I do? You’re family.” Seth managed a smile.
Aubrey smiled, and Landon laughed sheepishly. He put his arm around his wife and pulled her close, as though they needed to share each other’s strength. Seth pushed down the burst of envy he felt. He wasn’t himself.
“So what are you going to do?” Landon asked Seth.
“For now? I’m leaving for Paris tomorrow morning.”
“What?” Aubrey and Landon yelled in unison.
When Morgan’s cry pierced through the walls, Aubrey sighed and shook her head. She turned to Landon. “I’ll go. You stay and talk with Seth.”
“Thank you,” he said to his wife’s already-retreating back.
“Sorry to drop that on you like that,” Seth began. “It was an impulsive decision. I just couldn’t stay here any longer … so close to her. But I’m only leaving a few days earlier. It isn’t a big deal.”
“But don’t you want to talk to Tara before you leave?”
“I can’t. I can’t see her without begging her to have me. Neither of us is ready for that yet. We both need time.” His entire being ached like an open wound, and his heart was too raw to risk rejection for a second time right now. He didn’t know if he could survive it. No matter how much he longed to run to her, he needed time to heal. “It’s going to be hell staying away from her, but the distance should help. She won’t be twenty minutes away anymore. Too bad the distance won’t help me miss her less.”
“I understand. Do you need help with packing?”
“No, everything is packed and ready. I’m just going to roll out of bed tomorrow morning and leave. It’s an early flight, so don’t bother getting up for me.”
“Don’t worry. We’ll already be up anyways. We’re new parents, remember? Besides, there is no way I’m letting my brother leave the country without one last hug.”
Seth nodded, too choked up to speak. His brother had his back if he couldn’t make it through this one on his own. Because no matter what happened, he was going to get through this. He would find his way back to Tara.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Tara was still in bed late the next morning when Aubrey texted her.
AUBREY: Tara, are you awake?
TARA: Define awake.
AUBREY: I have something to tell you.
TARA: Then tell me already.
AUBREY: Seth left this morning.
Her stomach dropped to her toes, shot back up, and rammed into her throat. She swallowed the bile, and sat up in bed.
TARA: Left? Left how? Did he go back to Santa Monica or his mom’s house?
AUBREY: No, hon. He left for Paris.
She clicked on her calendar to make sure she had the date right. Yes, he wasn’t supposed to leave for four days.
TARA: Why?
When Aubrey didn’t respond right away, Tara realized how nonsensical her question was. It was because of her. He left because he couldn’t stand being near her anymore. Did he hate her for her cruel words?
AUBREY: I thought I should let you know. You okay?
TARA: Thanks. Yes, I’m fine.
That was such a lie. She should take it back. She didn’t want to ruin her relationship with Aubrey, too, by being dishonest with her.
TARA: I lied. I’m not fine at all.
With that confession, she ran to the bathroom and hurled in the toilet. Shivering and her teeth chattering, Tara sat on the cold floor for a moment to gather herself. Seth was gone. Really gone … It was worse. So much worse than what she’d imagined it would be like. She knew she would be heartbroken when he left, but she’d opened herself to him anyway. She’d thought being with him was worth the heartache. She was right on that count. She wouldn’t trade the time she’d spent with Seth for the world, but damn it hurt.
When her butt started feeling numb from the cold, she pushed off the ground on shaking limbs and brushed her teeth. Her phone dinged.
AUBREY: Let me know if you want to talk. I’m here for you.
While she appreciated her friend’s unwavering support, she needed to pull herself together first. The only sound that would escape her mouth if she opened it now would be sobs and wails.
Wait. A. Minute.
Why would Aubrey text her to tell her that Seth had left? Why would she ask if she was okay? Oh, shit. She knew. Aubrey knew that she’d had a thing with her brother-in-law and then stomped on his heart with construction-grade boots. Seth must’ve told Landon about them. Of course, he would. Who else would he lean on?
When she tried to keep it locked up inside, she nearly broke. She was so relieved that Seth had Landon and Aubrey for support. Well, not so much anymore. He’d left for Paris. Where he had no one. Would he be all right?
The tightness at the back of the throat told her she was on the verge of crying again, but she stopped herself. Crying was self-indulgence at this point. She’d broken Seth’s heart in the harshest way possible and was trying to soothe her guilt and pain with tears. But she didn’t deserve to have her guilt and pain soothed away. She let the full force of her pain wash over her, and she buckled under its weight. But she wouldn’t turn away from it anymore. The least she could do was hurt with Seth.
The wallowing stopped now. She was a grown woman with responsibilities. She had to continue to function.
* * *
Pain was her constant companion now, but she’d learned how to function through it. And so she existed—day by agonizing day. She worked hard at the brewery and offered to help anybody, any way she could. She might as well do some good with her existence. Like putting in more hours at the brewery.
“Hey, Jack.” She went and peered down at her brother. “Are the tables getting wobbly again?”
“Yeah, I spotted a few that are bugging me.”
“Didn’t you fix a bunch of them last month?” she asked. “It’s so weird how they keep getting lopsided. Does the floor snack on some of the legs? The least they could do is eat them evenly.”
He stopped fiddling with the legs of the troublesome table a
nd looked up at her. “What’s up?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you hanging around here? You usually couldn’t care less about broken chairs and lopsided tables.”
“Well, the past me used to be an inconsiderate creature. Now I’ve changed, and want to offer my help.”
“You’re being so nice.” Jack got to his feet, dusting off his hands. “Why are you being so nice?”
“What are you talking about?” Tara clapped a hand to her chest, genuinely indignant. “I am nice.”
“You’re good and kind.” Her brother’s words appeased her a bit, but he kept talking. “But you aren’t particularly nice. Not all the time.”
“I take offense to that.” She narrowed her eyes. It felt kind of good to be angry, so she let it burn.
“You’re someone who knows your mind and aren’t afraid to speak it. You never do something just for the sake of being nice.” He lifted his hands as though to ward her off when she snarled at him. “For example, if I was struggling with these table legs, you would’ve offered your help without hesitation. But you know I enjoy fiddling with woodwork, so you usually leave me to it. You only offered to help this time because you were being nice.”
“Fine. You could’ve just told me you don’t need help. I don’t know what the big deal is.” Tara looked everywhere but at him. Something about this conversation was making her really nervous.
“Tell me what’s going on, Tara. It’s as though you’ve been trying to pay penance for something these last few weeks.” Jack laid a big warm hand on her shoulder. “We know that there is something seriously wrong, but have no idea what. We’re all worried—Mom, Dad … all of us. Please. Let us help you, or at least bear some of the burden with you.”
Paying penance. Oh, God. He was right. Her guilt was making her find ways to make up for what she did to Seth by helping others. But how did that help Seth? She was such a mess.