The Arabian Nights (New Deluxe Edition)

by Muhsin Mahdi

  Drink not the cup, save with a friend you trust,

  One whose blood to noble forefathers owes.

  Wine, like the wind, is sweet if o’er the sweet,

  And foul if o’er the foul it haply blows.

  Then he emptied his cup, and the doorkeeper returned his salute and recited the following verses:

  Cheers, and drink it in good health;

  This wine is good for your health.

  The porter thanked her and kissed her hand. After the girls had drunk again and had given the porter more to drink, he turned to his companion, the shopper, saying, “My lady, your servant is calling on you,” and recited the following verses:

  One of your slaves is waiting at your door,

  With ample thanks for your ample favor.

  She replied “By God, you are welcome. Drink the wine and enjoy it in good health, for it relieves pain, hastens the cure, and restores health.” The porter emptied his cup and, pouring out another, kissed her hand, offered it to her, and proceeded to recite the following verses:

  I gave her pure old wine, red as her cheeks,

  Which with red fire did like a furnace glow.

  She kissed the brim and with a smile she asked,

  “How can you cheeks with cheeks pay what you owe?”

  I said, “Drink! This wine is my blood and tears,

  And my soul is the fragrance in the cup.”

  She said, “If for me you have shed your blood,

  Most gladly will I on this red wine sup.”

  The girl took the cup, drank it off, then sat by her sister.

  Thus receiving the full and returning the empty, they went on drinking cup after cup until the porter began to feel tipsy, lost his inhibitions, and was aroused. He danced and sang lyrics and ballads and carried on with the girls, toying, kissing, biting, groping, rubbing, fingering, and playing jokes on them, while one girl thrust a morsel in his mouth, another flirted with him, another served him with some fresh herbs, and another fed him sweets until he was in utter bliss. They carried on until they got drunk and the wine turned their heads. When the wine got the better of them, the doorkeeper went to the pool, took off her clothes, and stood stark naked, save for what was covered of her body by her loosened hair. Then she said, “Whee,” went into the pool, and immersed herself in the water.

  But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then Dinarzad said, “What an amazing and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night!”

  THE THIRTY-FIRST NIGHT

  The following night Dinarzad said, “Sister, if you are not sleepy, tell us one of your lovely little tales to while away the night.” Shahrazad replied, “With the greatest pleasure”:

  I heard that the doorkeeper went into the pool, threw water on herself, and, after immersing herself completely, began to sport, taking water in her mouth and squirting it all over her sisters and the porter. Then she washed herself under her breasts, between her thighs, and inside her navel. Then she rushed out of the pool, sat naked in the porter’s lap and, pointing to her slit, asked, “My lord and my love, what is this?” “Your womb,” said he, and she replied, “Pooh, pooh, you have no shame,” and slapped him on the neck. “Your vulva,” said he, and the other sister pinched him, shouting, “Bah, this is an ugly word.” “Your cunt,” said he, and the third sister boxed him on the chest and knocked him over, saying, “Fie, have some shame.” “Your clitoris,” said he, and again the naked girl slapped him, saying, “No.” “Your pudenda, your pussy, your sex tool,” said he, and she kept replying, “No, no.” He kept giving various other names, but every time he uttered a name, one of the girls hit him and asked, “What do you call this?” And they went on, this one boxing him, that one slapping him, another hitting him. At last, he turned to them and asked, “All right, what is its name?” The naked girl replied, “The basil of the bridges.” The porter cried, “The basil of the bridges! You should have told me this from the beginning, oh, oh!” Then they passed the cup around and went on drinking for a while.

  Then the shopper, like her sister, took off all her clothes, saying, “Whee,” went into the pool, and immersed herself completely in the water. Then she washed herself under the belly, around the breasts, and between the thighs. Then she rushed out, threw herself in the porter’s lap, and asked, “My little lord, what is this?” “Your vulva,” said he, and she gave him a blow with which the hall resounded, saying, “Fie, you have no shame.” “Your womb,” said he, and her sister hit him, saying, “Fie, what an ugly word!” “Your clitoris,” said he, and the other sister boxed him, saying, “Fie, fie, you are shameless.” They kept at it, this one boxing him, that one slapping him, another hitting him, another jabbing him, repeating, “No, no,” while he kept shouting, “Your womb, your cunt, your pussy.” Finally he cried, “The basil of the bridges,” and all three burst out laughing till they fell on their backs. But again all three slapped him on the neck and said, “No, this is not its name.” He cried, “All right, what is its name?” One of them replied, “Why don’t you say ‘the husked sesame’?” He cried out, “The husked sesame! Thank God, we are finally there.” Then the girl put on her clothes and they sat, passing the cup around, while the porter moaned with sore neck and shoulders.

  They drank for a while, and then the eldest and fairest of the three stood up and began to undress. The porter touched his neck and began to rub it with his hand, saying, “For God’s sake, spare my neck and shoulders,” while the girl stripped naked, threw herself into the pool, and immersed herself. The porter looked at her naked body, which looked like a slice of the moon, and at her face, which shone like the full moon or the rising sun, and admired her figure, her breasts, and her swaying heavy hips, for she was naked as God had created her. Moaning “Oh, oh,” he addressed her with the following verses:

  If I compare your figure to the bough,

  When green, I err and a sore burden bear.

  The bough is fairest when covered with leaves,

  And you are fairest when completely bare.

  When the girl heard his verses, she came quickly out of the pool, sat in his lap and, pointing to her slit, asked “O light of my eyes, O sweetheart, what is the name of this?” “The basil of the bridges,” said he, but she replied, “Bah!” “The husked sesame,” said he, and she replied, “Pooh!” “Your womb,” said he, and she replied, “Fie, you have no shame,” and slapped him on the neck. To make a long story short, O King, the porter kept declaring, “Its name is so,” and she kept saying “No, no, no, no.” When he had had his fill of blows, pinches, and bites until his neck swelled and he choked and felt miserable, he cried out, “All right, what is its name?” She replied, “Why don’t you say the Inn of Abu Masrur?” “Ha, ha, the Inn of Abu Masrur,” said the porter. Then she got up, and after she put on her clothes, they resumed their drinking and passed the cup around for a while.

  Then the porter stood up, took off his clothes, and, revealing something dangling between his legs, he leapt and plunged into the middle of the pool.

  But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then Dinarzad said to her sister Shahrazad, “Sister, what a lovely and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night if the king spares me and lets me live!” The king said to himself, “By God, I will not have her put to death until I hear the rest of the story. Then I shall do to her what I did to the others.”

  THE THIRTY-SECOND NIGHT

  The following night Dinarzad said to her sister Shahrazad, “Sister, if you are not sleepy, tell us one of your lovely little tales.” Shahrazad replied, “With the greatest pleasure”:

  I heard, O King, that when the porter went down into the pool, he bathed and washed himself under the beard and under the arms; then he rushed out of the pool, planted himself in the lap of the fairest girl, put his arms on the lap of the doorkeeper, rested his legs in the lap of
the shopper and, pointing to his penis, asked, “Ladies, what is this?” They were pleased with his antics and laughed, for his disposition agreed with theirs, and they found him entertaining. One of them said, “Your cock,” and he replied, “You have no shame; this is an ugly word.” The other said, “Your penis,” and he replied, “You should be ashamed; may God put you to shame.” The third said, “Your dick,” and he replied, “No.” Another said, “Your stick,” and he replied “No.” Another said, “Your thing, your testicles, your prick,” and he kept saying, “No, no, no,” They asked, “What is the name of this?” He hugged this and kissed that, pinched the one, bit the other, and nibbled on the third, as he took satisfaction, while they laughed until they fell on their backs. At last they asked, “Friend, what is its name?” The porter replied, “Don’t you know its name? It is the smashing mule.” They asked, “What is the meaning of the name the smashing mule?” He replied, “It is the one who grazes in the basil of the bridges, eats the husked sesame, and gallops in the Inn of Abu Masrur.” Again they laughed until they fell on their backs and almost fainted with laughter. Then they resumed their carousing and drinking and carried on until nightfall.

  When it was dark, they said to the porter, “Sir, it is time that you get up, put on your slippers, and show us your back.” The porter replied, “Where do I go from here? The departure of my soul from my body is easier for me than my departure from your company. Let us join the night with the day and let each of us go his way early tomorrow morning.” The shopper said, “By God, sisters, he is right. For God’s sake and for my sake, let him stay tonight, so that we may laugh at him and amuse ourselves with him, for who will live to meet with one like him again? He is a clever and witty rogue.” They said, “You cannot spend the night with us unless you agree to abide by our condition, that whatever we do and whatever happens to us, you shall refrain from asking for any explanation, for ‘speak not of what concerns you not, lest you hear what pleases you not.’ This is our condition; don’t be too curious about any action of ours.” He replied, “Yes, yes, yes, I am dumb and blind.” They said, “Rise, then, go to the entrance, and read what is inscribed on the door and the entrance.” He got up, went to the door, and found on the door and the entrance the following inscription written in letters of gold, “Whoever speaks of what concerns him not hears what pleases him not.” The porter came back and said, “I pledge to you that I will not speak of what concerns me not.”

  Then the shopper went and prepared supper, and after they had something to eat, they lighted the lamps, and, sticking the aloewood and ambergris into the wax, they lighted the candles, and the incense burned, rose, and filled the hall. Then they changed the plates, laid the table with wine and fresh fruits, and sat to drink. They sat for a long time, eating, drinking, engaging in refined conversation, bantering, and laughing, and joking, when suddenly they heard a knocking at the door. Without showing much concern, one of the girls rose, went to the door, and returned after a while, saying, “Sisters, if you listen to me, you will spend a delightful night, a night to remember.” They asked, “How so?” She replied, “At this very moment, three one-eyed dervishes7 are standing at the door, each with a shaven head, shaven beard, and shaven eyebrows, and each blind in the right eye. It is a most amazing coincidence. They have just arrived in Baghdad from their travel, as one can see from their condition, and this is their first time in our city. Night overtook them and, being strangers with no one to go to and unable to find a place to sleep, they knocked at our door, hoping that someone would give them the key to the stable or offer them a room for the night. Sisters, each one of them is a sight, with a face that would make a mourner laugh. Would you agree to let them in for this one time, so that we may amuse ourselves with them tonight and let them go early tomorrow morning?” She continued to persuade her sisters until they consented, saying, “Let them in, but make it a condition that they ‘speak not of what concerns them not, lest they hear what pleases them not.’”

  Pleased, she disappeared for a while and returned, followed by three one-eyed dervishes, who greeted them, bowed, and stood back. The three girls rose to greet them, extended welcomes, expressed delight at their visit, and congratulated them on their safe arrival. The three dervishes thanked them and again saluted with bows, and when they saw the beautiful hall, the well-set table laden with wine, nuts, and dried fruits, the burning candles, the smoking incense, and the three girls, who had thrown off all restraint, they exclaimed with one voice, “By God, this is fine.” When they turned and looked at the Porter, who, sore from the beating and slapping and intoxicated with the wine, lay almost unconscious, they said, “Whether an Arab or a foreigner, he is a brother dervish.” The porter sat up and, fixing his eyes on them, said, “Sit here without meddling. Haven’t you read the inscription on the door, which is quite clearly written, ‘Speak not of what concerns you not, lest you hear what pleases you not’? Yet as soon as you come in you wag your tongues at us.” They replied, “O mendicant, we ask for God’s forgiveness. Our heads are in your hands.” The girls laughed and made peace between the dervishes and the porter; then the shopper offered the dervishes something to eat, and after they ate, they all sat down to carouse and drink, with the doorkeeper replenishing the cups as they passed them around. Then the porter asked, “Friends, can you entertain us with something?”

  But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then her sister Dinarzad said, “Sister, what a lovely and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night if I live!”

  THE THIRTY-THIRD NIGHT

  The following night Dinarzad said to her sister Shahrazad, “Sister, if you are not sleepy, tell us one of your lovely little tales to while away the night.” Shahrazad replied, “With the greatest pleasure”:

  I heard, O King, that the dervishes, heated with the wine, called for musical instruments, and the doorkeeper brought them a tambourine, a flute, and a Persian harp. The dervishes rose, and one took the tambourine, another the flute, another the Persian harp, tuned their instruments, and began to play and sing, and the girls began to sing with them until it got very loud. While they were thus playing and singing, they heard a knocking at the door and the doorkeeper went to see what was the matter.

  Now the cause of that knocking, O King, was that it happened on that very night that the Caliph Harun al-Rashid and Ja’far8 came into the city, as they used to do every now and then, and as they walked through, they passed by the door and heard the music of the flute, the harp, and the tambourine, the singing of the girls, and the sounds of people partying and laughing. The caliph said, “Ja’far, I would like to enter this house and visit the people inside.” Ja’far replied, “O Prince of the Faithful, these are people who are intoxicated and who do not know who we are, and I fear that they may insult us and abuse us.” The caliph said, “Don’t argue; I must go in and I want you to find a pretext to get us in.” Ja’far replied, “I hear and obey.” Then Ja’far knocked at the door, and when the doorkeeper came and opened the door, he stepped forward, kissed the ground before her, and said, “O my lady, we are merchants from the city of Mosul, and we have been in Baghdad for ten days. We have brought with us our merchandise and have taken lodgings at an inn. Tonight a merchant of your city invited us to his home and offered us food and drink. We drank and enjoyed ourselves and sent for a troop of musicians and singing women and invited the rest of our companions to join us. They all came and we had a good time, listening to the girls blow on the flutes, beat the tambourines, and sing, but while we were enjoying ourselves, the prefect of the police raided the place, and we tried to escape by jumping from walls. Some of us broke our limbs and were arrested, while some escaped safely. We have come now to seek refuge in your house, for, being strangers in your city, we are afraid that if we continue to walk the streets, the prefect of the police will stop us, discover that we are intoxicated, and arrest us. If we go to the inn, we shall find the door lo
cked for, as is the rule, it is not to be opened till sunrise. As we passed by your house, we heard the sounds of music and the noise of a lovely party and hoped that you would be kind enough to let us join you to enjoy the rest of the night, giving us the chance to pay you for our share. If you refuse our company, let us sleep in the hallway till the morning, and God will reward you. The matter is in your magnanimous hands and the decision is yours, but we will not depart from your door.”

  After the doorkeeper had listened to Ja’far’s speech, looked at their dress, and seen that they were respectable, she went back to her sisters and repeated Ja’far’s story. The girls felt sorry for them and said, “Let them in,” and she invited them to come in. When the caliph, together with Ja’far and Masrur,9 entered the hall, the entire group, the girls, the dervishes, and the porter, rose to greet them, and then everyone sat down.

  But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then Dinarzad said, “What a lovely and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night if I stay alive!”

  THE THIRTY-FOURTH NIGHT

  The following night Dinarzad said to her sister Shahrazad, “Please, if you are not sleepy, tell us the rest of the story of the three girls.” Shahrazad replied, “Very well”: