Saving Katie Baker

by H. Mattern

  Katie relaxed with them on the couch next to Blake. She was well aware that his forearm was touching hers. Her whole body felt tingly. The warmth of his skin touching her own brought so many emotions to the surface. She wasn’t ready to fall in love. She couldn’t. With these thoughts, Katie scooted further away from Blake. She couldn’t touch him. It just confused her too much.

  Blake noticed the change in Katie’s demeanor. He was well aware that her bare arm had just brushed against his own, but her reaction disappointed him. Why was she so repelled by me, he wondered. Is she still holding me responsible for her husband’s death? I thought we were past that. He wasn’t sure what to think.

  Blake felt he was about to lose them both, and his heart broke at the thought. He tried to distract those painful thoughts because he wanted to enjoy these moments with Micah right now.

  “Are you ready, beautiful?” Blake asked Micah.

  The little girl reached her arms up, clasped her hands around Blake’s scruffy face and said, “Wuv you, Daddy.”

  All went silent.

  CHAPTER

  18

  Katie’s eyes jolted up to Blake’s. It was obvious she was shocked and sinking back into her usual angry and frustrated state, but this time she had reason. Her daughter had never met her father. Micah didn’t even know what a daddy was—how could she have known? The little girl had no idea what she had just said and the volcanic eruption of emotions it had caused.

  Blake looked at Katie; he was surprised that she hadn’t said anything at all yet. He knew that this must be torture for her. He wondered if he should be the one to address the subject with the child or if he should continue to wait for Katie. He looked over at Micah and felt compelled to speak.

  “I love you, too, sweetheart, but I’m Mr. Blake, remember? I’m not Daddy.”

  “Daddy?”

  The little girl questioned again with a look of confusion on her face.

  “Where Daddy?”

  Micah looked to her mother for an answer.

  How dare Micah call Blake “daddy”. What is happening? This can’t be happening. He is not her daddy and she needs to know this, she needs to be reminded of how wonderful her real daddy was and not get the two confused. Katie thought with desperation.

  Katie was carefully running through her words, painstakingly trying to figure out how to string them together in a way that her daughter would be able to understand. She was presently stumped. How much do you share with a two year old about life and death?

  Katie reached for her little girl and pulled her onto her lap, holding her close. There was a need for physical closeness for this conversation. Katie had already begun to tear up.

  “Micah, honey, Daddy died a long time ago, but he loved you very much and was so excited to meet you. One day, you will get to see him again in heaven.”

  Katie added the heaven part even though it made her mouth sour at the thought of using religious words with her daughter. Did she really believe that there was a heaven? It did make the accident easier for a child to accept, so she threw the religious term in for Micah’s benefit.

  “No. Blake daddy.”

  Micah was beginning to go into one of her fits again as she pushed off of her mother’s lap and attempted to climb onto Blake’s. Neither of them knew what to do in this situation. Should they pull her off, or let things be? Either way Katie felt like the bad guy.

  “Blake, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please?” Katie asked.

  Blake nodded his head as he pushed play on the VCR player to start the movie for Micah. The little girl rocked back and forth to the introductory music.

  “I hope you like this movie as much as my little sister did,” he said to Micah and kissed her on the top of her head before going to the kitchen. Katie watched the interaction and for a brief moment she found it sweet, before remembering the issue at hand.

  Blake walked over to Katie who had just stuck a bag of popcorn in the microwave.

  “I wasn’t sure what to say,” he told her.

  “Blake, this isn’t good. I can’t deal with this right now. What am I supposed to say to her? How does she even know what a daddy is? She can’t possibly understand. She’s just too young to comprehend it all.”

  Katie plopped down onto the bench at the table, an act that was becoming too regular in her opinion. She laid her head upon her folded arms that were resting on the table.

  Katie’s weeping became apparent by her shuddering shoulders and the occasional sniff. She had reason enough for it, so she didn’t fight it. Momentarily, she wondered what it would be like to have Blake next to her, holding her in his arms, while she dealt with stuff like this.

  Katie felt Blake’s hand on her back and though her thoughts came to a halt, his touch made her shiver.

  “She’s a smart girl. Everything is going to be okay. We’ll figure this out together. Don’t worry. Actually, Katie, where’s he buried?”

  Katie glanced up and looked at Blake in confusion. “Why do you care where he’s buried?”

  “I was thinking that maybe it would help Micah if we take her to visit her father’s grave site. A visual might help her understand. I think it might even do you some good, too.”

  Katie thought about his suggestion and had to admit that it wasn’t such a horrible one. She had never taken Micah to the site, since it had been too painful to think about. She didn’t want her innocent, happy toddler to see a place that housed so much pain. It was where death lived.

  In the beginning, she stayed distant from the cemetery in hopes that the torment would go away so that she could pretend none of it had ever happened. Katie quickly learned that pain and memories didn’t work that way. In spite of her actions, in spite of the distance she put between herself and the graveyard or herself and others, it still happened. Shit still happens.

  “I’m open to it,” she told Blake, who waited for her reply. “Maybe after the movie finishes we can head over there. It’s not far, only about a fifteen minute drive.”

  “Is it the one in Hackleburg, near the store where everything is a dollar?” Blake asked her. “Sounds like it might be the same one where my sister’s buried.”

  Katie thought back to when Blake shared about Brandy. It might be nice to visit her gravesite, too, while they were there.

  “Yes, that’s the one. Do you think it’s free from damage?”

  “I heard on the radio that the dollar store place just across the street from it was gone—collapsed, just like many of the other places out there. But I would assume the cemetery is OK. We may get there and find a total mess, but I’m up for the adventure if you are. It’ll be nice to go visit my sister’s grave; it’s been a while for me too.”

  Katie could tell that the thought of going to the cemetery brought back memories for Blake. He appeared to be daydreaming. She wondered if he was remembering. She wanted to ask him what he was thinking about, but was afraid that his answer would be something totally different and would change the mood, turning it sour. She wanted to steer clear of any mention regarding their staying or leaving.

  The day his sister was buried was one of the last memories Blake had of his family all together and not fighting. It didn’t take long for everything to fall apart after that.

  His mother became bitter and wouldn’t forgive him or his father. Evidently, it was both of their faults. His father’s fault because it was he who had allowed the two of them to go to the friend’s house in the first place, and it was Blake’s fault for not keeping an eye on his sister.

  It was about a year after the burial that Blake’s mother left. She didn’t tell anyone where she was headed. They’d all assumed that she’d gone out to get groceries, but she never returned. She left everything in its place. Didn’t even pack a bag.

  It took Blake a long time t
o stop feeling responsible. He thought perhaps it was something he had done that day to make his mother so mad that she grabbed her purse and left. The guilt over his sister’s death and his mother’s abandonment left him a target for his father. He began blaming Blake for running off all of the women that he loved. That’s about the time his father started gambling. The man was never home, it was always about the next big game. Money dwindled and Blake became a burden—just one more expense.

  It’s common to hear about children put into foster care to protect them from abusive parents, but Blake was an exception. He wasn’t taken, but rather offered up by his own parent. Unwanted. His dad called Social Services one day after Blake had returned from school and told them that he didn’t want “the kid” anymore. Thus began Blake’s teenage years of jumping from one home to another.

  He sat trapped in his own thoughts as Katie and Micah finished the movie together on the couch. He wondered how much of his story he should share with Katie. How much could she handle? Could she fall for a man that grew up in a family life as twisted as his had been? Even if she did decide to give him a chance, those facts would surely end up changing her mind and scaring her away.

  Blake looked at the two on his couch who had quickly become “his girls” in his mind, and he began dreading the day that they would pack up and leave. He expected it would be coming sooner rather than later, but he hoped he was wrong. He so desperately wanted to be wrong.

  Micah jumped at the tone of King Tritons’ outbursts and Blake considered that perhaps this movie was too much for a two-year-old to be watching. His gage on things like that wasn’t very good. He’d never had to think about it before. He loved children, but didn’t have much experience with them. He walked over to the couch and sat down next to Micah.

  “Is it too scary?”

  Blake directed the question to Micah, but looked up at Katie with the same question in his eyes. Katie shrugged her shoulders as if she wasn’t completely sure either. They’d find out together.

  “The king is angry because he’s worried about his daughter,” Katie said to her little girl, trying to help explain and lighten the tone of the scene.

  Blake smiled at the way she put words together so Micah could understand them. He loved Katie’s own little interpretations. When the movie ended, Micah was rubbing her eyes as if she was beginning to get sleepy again.

  Katie grabbed her bag and walked to the truck. “We should probably try to keep her awake until we head back, or she won’t sleep tonight” she told him.

  Blake smiled, thinking of a sleeping baby in his truck. As they opened the door, he realized that once again the trip wasn’t doable. He didn’t have a car seat for Micah. He could kick himself for not buying one the other day when he went to Target. Why hadn’t he thought about this predicament until now?

  “What are we going to do about a seat?” he asked Katie.

  “Oh, I forgot to mention that. Jill left the one that she kept in her car for us. It’s in the bedroom. I’ll run and get it.”

  Katie was about to hand Micah to Blake, but he interrupted.

  “No, you stay here, I’ll go grab it for you.”

  Blake ran back towards the house. He found himself questioning if Katie watched him as he left, remembering the many times he himself watched her walk away. He felt a little self-conscious as his feet met the ground.

  Blake returned with the bulky car seat and worked on getting it buckled properly in the back of his pick-up truck. Once the little balance bubble on the side of the base showed that everything was centered and safe for traveling, he lifted Micah up into it and fastened the little buckles around the little girl. Blake walked over to the passenger side and opened the door for Katie.

  “Look Blake, you don’t have to be like this. I’ve already told you, we can’t stay here. I can’t go there with you. Please, stop trying to convince me otherwise.”

  Blake’s face tensed up.

  “I’m just trying to be a gentleman. I would open the door for you regardless of my feelings.”

  Katie jumped as Blake shut the door after she had scooted up onto the seat. He wondered if he had frightened her with his intensity. Everything he had done lately had been intense. Saving her, expressing his feelings for her, he wondered if she was afraid of him. Surely not.

  Blake slid across the front of the truck while smiling at Katie, in the hopes of lightening the mood. He wasn’t sure whether or not it worked.

  They drove the fifteen minutes in an awkward silence. Katie seemed deep in thought and Blake couldn’t help but take his own mental walk down memory lane. The distance seemed much further than it did when he was a child. He remembered begging his parents as they drove to the cemetery on that dreadful day not to put his sister’s body into the dirt. Nobody seemed to listen to him; they all just told him that he was too little to understand what was going on. They shushed him over and over again throughout the event.

  Blake thought of Micah. Looking back through the rear view mirror he saw that she was falling asleep. Despite Katie and her attempt to keep her daughter awake, the little girl was unaware of what was going on around her. She was only two years old. He knew that she wouldn’t really understand what all of this meant, but he also knew that it would make Katie feel better.

  He found the entrance and after pulling in, turned the car off. Micah had begun to rouse again. Katie looked back at her and smiled. They walked together to the gravestone. Katie seemed to know exactly where she was going, even as she stepped over remains from the store across the street in the process.

  He spotted the headstone. M. Baker. Katie sat down directly in front of it. Blake, holding Micah, leaned down with her.

  “This is it.” Katie said, breathless. She took Micah from Blake’s hands and pointed to the minimalist grey stone. “This is where your daddy is buried, honey.”

  Micah climbed off of Katie’s lap and put her own little hands upon the stone.

  “Cold,” the little girl said.

  Blake and Katie just looked at each other. It was clear that Micah didn’t understand all of this, but it appeared that Katie was fine with that. She was fine with her daughter needing more time to grow up before comprehending death and life.

  “We should visit here more often,” she told Blake.

  He once again tried to tell himself not to get his hopes up. Katie may not mean the word “we” as he took it. Blake nodded and glanced around to find his sister’s headstone. He left Katie and Micah alone to talk and be near their own memories while he went off searching for Brandy’s grave.

  He spotted the little angel monument and was relieved to find that it was still standing secure. Blake wasn’t sure what other feelings were going through him. He wiped the dust from the letters that were engraved underneath the angels robe, BRANDY.

  “I miss you, little sister.” He said.

  He never really had the chance to get to know her, to grow up together or be the protective big brother that he had always planned on being. He wondered what it would be like to be able to introduce Katie to a family. In this moment, Blake felt very much like an orphan.

  CHAPTER

  19

  Katie stood up with Micah and observed Blake from a distance. There he was, standing with one leg out in front of the other his hands resting in the back pockets of his grey, carpenter-style shorts. She couldn’t help but notice his body as he stood there. He was sexy, muscular. Perfect. Definitely the dreamed of, “tall, dark, and handsome” that a woman hoped to have by her side some day. He was a catch. Katie was sure Blake had the pick of the litter when it came to girls. It wouldn’t be difficult at all, with a body like his, for Blake to get any girl that he wanted.

  Most women, including Jill, would kill to have Blake’s eyes set on them. Yet his eyes were set on her? What was he thinking? Why her? It’s n
ot like she was some Barbie doll—far from it, in her opinion. Katie wouldn’t say she was ugly, but she definitely wouldn’t call herself beautiful either.

  “I’m nothing special,” she said as she began to walk towards him.

  It looked as though Blake had found his sister, or else some other captivating headstone. Katie adjusted Micah comfortably on her hip and headed closer to him. She hesitated to interrupt, but Blake appeared as though he’d gladly welcome a visitor. For some reason he seemed uneasy being here, but Katie couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

  “Is this Brandy’s?”

  Blake looked surprised to find them standing next to him, but seemed glad that his thoughts were interrupted. Even though it was his suggestion to come here, Katie could tell that graveyards must make him nervous. He looked unsure about what he wanted to do or say. Katie understood; what were you supposed to say to a body that was six feet under? Visiting the dead had never made much sense to Katie.

  “Yep, this is where they buried her,” he said as he looked at the girls. His voice trembled and the color of his face paled. Katie placed her hand on Blake’s shoulder.

  “Are you OK?”

  “Yeah just lots of memories floating around from that day. These places throw me off. Sorry.”

  Katie stood there with him, looking at the angel statue that wore a serene smile on its face, and waited for him to continue. Katie wished she knew what was going through Blake’s mind as he stood staring off into space. Was he thinking about his sister? Of course he’s thinking about his sister; this is her grave.