To See You Again

by gard, marian

  "I know, right? It was so messed up."

  We both giggle and then Vanessa tells me to get on with it. She wants nothing left out. I do my best to retell everything, starting with more in-depth details of the fundraiser where Collin and I first ran into each other, and ending with our bizarre night at his townhome..

  "I have to say, Rachel, didn't you ever think this was a possibility?"

  My jaw drops open. "What?"

  "Unfurrow that brow, Rachel. Let's walk through this one. You had to know there was a chance he would move to Chicago, right? I mean, even before I saw him on Facebook, you must've considered it a possibility." I give her a conceding shrug. "You guys had the same major in college and you went into the same business in the same city as his stepdad. That's a lot of sames!"

  I sit upright, feeling indignant. "I'll acknowledge I've always worried I might run into Victor somewhere along the way, but honestly, he wasn't even that hands on with the business a decade ago. It would've been pretty random for me to see him on a call…but Collin? No. No way, did I ever dream he would've followed in his stepdad's footsteps in any way. He only stayed in our major because Victor insisted. I have no idea where I thought he would end up living or working, but I would've ranked in or near his hometown dead last."

  "Do you think Victor always planned on giving the business to him?" Vanessa questions.

  "I have no clue. I stopped trying to figure that a-hole out a long time ago." I gasp and cover my mouth. "Oh my gosh, I'm horrible. I can't believe I just said that about Collin's deceased stepdad."

  "Oh, please, Rachel. I think even Victor would agree he was an asshole." We both giggle and then take a simultaneous sip of wine. Vanessa raises her eyebrows at me as she continues to drink, and then puts up her index finger, directing me to wait for her. "So wait, wait, wait. Let's back up to the elevator again. I'm confused. Did something happen between you two in there or not?" She swirls her remaining wine around in her glass and looks at me expectantly.

  "Yes and no…I don't know." I take a long drink from mine, summoning courage, and look up at Vanessa who is staring back at me wide-eyed.

  "OK. We didn't kiss, but we were sort of holding each other." I wince.

  A wicked grin sweeps across her face. "Define ‘holding each other'?"

  "It's hard to explain. It was pitch black in there and it all sort of happened naturally at first, like a hug, sort of…and then we were just…in each other's arms." I take a deep breath. "And then there was some touching." I wince again.

  "Touching!" Vanessa grabs my arm and both our glasses shake and wine sloshes everywhere. After some giggling and a quick clean up of the couch, I add, "and he may have kissed the top of my head, like, super lightly."

  Vanessa's appears shocked. "May have? I thought you said there wasn't kissing?" She demands, refilling both our glasses.

  I sigh. "There wasn't. I mean we didn't kiss each other. Anyway, we cut it out and realized it wasn't…um, appropriate, I guess?" I clasp my head in my hands. "Oh, God."

  "So, what does all this add up to, Rachel?"

  "I have no goddamned idea!" I place a hand to my forehead. "I mean, there was all the closeness in the elevator and stuff, but then when the doors opened it was like a bucket of cold water. I realized what happened in there wasn't real life…and then it really hit home when we were up late talking at his house." I grimace recalling the awkwardness.

  She takes a deep breath, like she's literally absorbing my words into her lungs, and then asks, "Well, what did you guys talk about?"

  "That's the thing—nothing really, but then he said something about Leighton and I just felt sick. She may be a little perky, but she's super nice, and I thought about Beckett too, and… What was I doing, you know?"

  "Alright, Rachel. Time to spill it. Do you have feelings for Collin?" Boom! There's the question I know I need to answer, but have been doing everything I can to avoid. Like a child, I cover my face completely.

  "Rachel," Vanessa whispers. "Do you?"

  I open up a small space between my index and middle finger and peek over at her. "I'm a horrible person, aren't I?"

  "Not horrible at all, but you've got to figure this out." Vanessa pries my fingers off of my face. I nod and smile at her. "What am I gonna to do with you, missy?"

  "Tell me what the hell to do?" I whine.

  "Ha!" She fakes laughs. "I can't do that, but I can try to help you figure this out." She takes the hand that she pulled off my face and holds it tightly in hers.

  "Let's start with something simpler. Describe your feelings for Beckett."

  I inhale deeply, closing my eyes, and trying to conjure all of his features in my mind. "I love him. He's smart, and kind, and driven and..." My voice trails off.

  She nods. "See, that's the thing, girl. You've always had him a little bit at arm's length. I really think if you're going to marry him, then you need to be able to list at least more than three likeable qualities." Vanessa wags her finger at me and takes another swig of wine.

  "Marry him?" I gasp, incredulous.

  "Gotcha! That is not the reaction a woman in her thirties should have about her long-time boyfriend."

  I frown at her. "What kind of comment is that? I thought you were a feminist!"

  "I am, and nice try by the way, I know you haven't crossed marriage off the Rachel-life-plan." She crooks an eyebrow.

  I let out a little laugh. "The Rachel-life-plan?"

  "Well, you know what I mean. I've never heard you say you were opposed to marrying in general, but you've done some serious heel dragging with Beck." Now both her brows are raised. She's giving me a look that's usually reserved for when she feels she's won an argument with Ryan.

  "I'm not opposed…it's just…" I heave out a sigh. "How is this helping me again?"

  "Fair enough. I was just trying to make a point about your current relationship. OK, I'll let you off the hook on that one for now. New topic. So, what's this new Collin like? I have to admit I'm still trying to cram the mental image of Collin Jackson in a suit into my brain!" She places a finger on each temple and scrunches her eyes closed dramatically.

  "I know, right? It's still hard to believe it was real." I laugh hard, and it's a wonderful emotional release. I finish my glass of wine, feeling the effects of sleep deprivation and alcohol mix together. "That's the thing that's hardest to explain. He's still him. On the outside though, he's clean cut…grown up…he doesn't smoke anymore—all these changes. And yet when we were in the dark, and all we had were our voices, it was like we were us again." I pause, thinking about how much time I'd spent hoping for him to return to my life in any capacity. For a few hours, I'd gotten my wish, but now everything is undeniably different; and the truth is I'm not sure there can be an "us" anymore. My eyes sting as I fight back tears. "I had him back." My voice cracks and tears begin racing down my face. "I gave up hope, Nessa, that I would ever even see him again and then—" I release an embarrassingly loud yelp, as my crying transforms into sobbing. Vanessa pulls me into a hug and I weep on her shoulder, wetting her sweater with my tears.

  "Rach, you're so upset. What went on between you two? It sounds like you guys made up. Isn't that a good thing?" She asks while my face is still burrowed.

  I lift my head up for a moment and take a deep breath. "I told him we have to stay away from each other."

  "You did, huh?" I nod. "I bet he loved that."

  I shrug. "I didn't really give him much of a chance to argue." Vanessa stares at me and I know I need to try and explain this better, if not for her, then definitely for me. I sit up. "I don't think I can handle it. Being around him was so intense. I couldn't believe how much feeling for him was left inside me after all this time." She cocks an eyebrow at me. "No," I shake my head, "not all like that. There was anger, hurt, confusion, sadness and it all just sort of jumbled together and I couldn't decide what to say or how to act. Then, after we talked awhile and I heard his point of view, it was like things sort of fell back into pla
ce. Does that even make sense?" She nods. "But it isn't real. That time in the elevator? It was like this weird little bubble that popped, and now we're back in our real lives. Our separate lives. Those feelings I had, they can't go anywhere good." I shake my head emphatically.

  "It sounds like you two really have a strong connection. I could see how that could be scary," she says, her voice completely serious.

  "Toward the end, right before the doors opened, I was sitting there in the dark with him and I just felt…I felt like I was finally home," I whisper. "It's been so long since I felt that comfortable, and safe, but it wasn't real, you know? It couldn't last." Tears begin streaming down Vanessa's face now, too. As I say it out loud, it occurs to me how bittersweet this realization is. I wipe my face with the back of my sleeve, because let's face it, my dignity checked out a while ago. I smile at Vanessa. "Why are you crying?"

  She giggles, wiping away her tears, too. "Ah girl, you know I never miss out on a good sympathy cry." We both burst out into a chorus of laughter that's as healing as it is loud. "Besides, this is a glorious mess."

  "You're not kidding. I'm the mess. My emotions are still all over the place. I don't know what to think or feel! I don't see how I can reconcile all this old stuff with Collin, with the life I have now, without completely screwing everything up. That's a sign, right? That's why I don't think I can see him again." I wipe my face with the back of my hand.

  "OK. Let's put Collin on the backburner and talk about Beck again, because even though he may not know it, he's right in the eye of this storm," Vanessa says.

  I swallow, feeling oh-so-guilty. "You're right."

  "OK then, I'll be the first to admit I'm not his biggest fan when it comes to you. There. I said it." She puts her hands up.

  "Yeah, I know," I say, sarcastically. "It's hardly front-page news. You barely hide it sometimes," I chide. Vanessa shrugs me off. She's not one to back down even in the face of my obvious disapproval. "Although, it is a little bizarre because you were the one that set us up, remember?"

  "I'm aware. It's just once you two started dating he got all weirdly bossy with you, and you just accepted it." She says this matter-of-factly and without the tone of judgment that her comment implied. I look away from her and pick at the seam in my jeans. She's said this before. It certainly isn't shocking to hear her repeat it, but I can't escape feeling a little stupid when she points it out.

  "Hey," Vanessa says gently. "I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I know he isn't some kind of asshole and even if he were, that certainly wouldn't be anything you'd need to apologize for. In fact, I honestly think it works for you. If you wanted to, you could probably shift things a little more between you two, but I don't think that's how you guys operate."

  "What does that mean?" I try to wash out any defensiveness in my voice. The part of me that feels hurt by this conversation isn't as important as the side of me that needs to understand why I'm like this.

  "Alright. So here's the thing. I think when Beck is always in the driver's seat you take that as reassurance he's never going to leave. You may not like where the car is going, but you're not willing to either get out of the car, or take over driving." She takes a deep breath and continues. "I'm not saying that's all bad, because I do think he really loves you and he isn't going to, ya' know, drive you off a cliff." I shoot her a confused look. "OK, OK, enough with the car metaphor. What I'm getting at is I think it's OK, if Beck kinda runs the show as long as you're getting what you really want…but are you?"

  "You mean is Beck who I want?"

  "No. Not just Beck. How Beck is. Rachel you're strong enough to exercise more influence in the relationship, but the only way you seem to, is by refusing to let things progress. I mean you guys could be on a more serious track by now, ya' know, living together at least, but you always find some passive way to thwart things." I shrug and stare at the floor. There isn't really anything she's said so far I could effectively argue against. "I think you need to ask yourself why that is." She taps my foot with her own. "How ya' doing? Are we still friends?"

  I return my gaze to hers and force a smile. "Of course we are!" She stares back at me wearing an uncharacteristically worried expression. I bite my lip and hesitate before asking, "So, do you think he's wrong for me?"

  "Not necessarily. Look, I'm not sure we should really be comparing guys here, but for arguments sake, I'll say this—I never worry Beck will really hurt you, even when he's being all macho and annoying. Collin, on the other hand….phew." She exhales a long and slow breath before continuing. "He's always held your heart in the palm of his hand, long before either of you knew it, and well…he's Collin," she says, like that explains everything.

  "Maybe he's changed," I offer. Vanessa shrugs and nods, but she doesn't look convinced. "I want him to be both different and just the same, you know?" I say, realizing how drama-queenish that sounds. "That's the other weird thing, a part of me is so thrilled for him that he seems all put together and then there's this other, selfish, darker part of me that sort of hates him for it."

  Vanessa gives me a surprised look. "What do you mean?"

  "Well, when I turned him down, or whatever, all those years ago, I thought I had it all together. I always saw myself like that, organized and driven, and he was just floundering, and now fast forward to present day and I'm the frickin' mess.," I say disgustedly.

  She shakes her head at me. "You're not a mess, Rachel. Stop saying that."

  "I am, though. I haven't evolved in some meaningful way, not like him. I haven't made radical changes."

  "Well, he had a lot of changes to make, Rach. Do you think maybe you're feeling bad because you bet against him?"

  I pause. That hadn't occurred to me, but she might be on to something. I shrug. "Maybe."

  "Ten years is a long time. A lot has happened for both of you since then. It's OK to reflect on the past, but don't get stuck there. You made the best choice you could at the time." She pats my hand. "Who knows? Maybe losing you really helped him."

  I look up at her. "That's a depressing thought."

  "Why?" Vanessa looks offended.

  "Because, doesn't that just mean he's better off without me."

  She shakes her head. "That isn't what I meant, and you know it. I'm just trying to say that sometimes when something really awful happens, it's an opportunity to make ourselves better." She smiles at me. "Sounds like that's what he did."

  I nod, thinking about his depression and how he said hitting rock bottom is what led to him finally getting better. "So, what the hell do I do now?"

  "Like I said, Rach, glorious mess. No matter what, you have to figure this thing out. Beck may not be perfect, but he does deserve to know where he stands. If you don't think he's ‘the one', then no matter what is or is not going on with Collin, you have to make some decisions about the relationship you're in."

  I nod my head in agreement. Vanessa has always been able to tell me how it is, without making me feel any less loved; it's what makes us best friends.

  Chapter 20

  Collin

  "Leighton? You here?" I toss my briefcase down and shrug off my coat. No answer. I head upstairs to get changed, calling her name out two more times—still no answer. When I reach my room, I see her clothes tossed in a bundle on my bed. So she is here. I switch into some loose fitting jeans and a t-shirt and am surprised she hasn't come to find me yet. She usually greets me at the door when she gets here before me. I stroll downstairs to the basement, the only place I haven't checked. "Hey Leighton, are you down here?" I call from the staircase. "Please don't bother cleaning up. I have the maid service coming tomorrow and they can take care of the sheets and everything."

  I reach the bottom of the stairs and instantly see her. She's standing in front of the photo of Rachel, and it's clear she's been crying. All the moisture leaves my mouth. Shit. Shit. Shit.

  "It's her, isn't it?" She continues to stare at the photo. I don't answer and then she looks over at me. Her eyes are r
immed with red, her cheeks damp. "Collin?"

  "Yes." I close the distance between us.

  "So, were you two a couple or something?"

  "No, it wasn't like that," I say calmly. I gently place my hand on her shoulder, and she moves out of my reach.

  "What was it like? I feel like I don't know you at all. I knew there was something more between the two of you, and you let me feel like I was crazy." Before I can answer, Leighton assaults me with a barrage of questions. "Why was everything so strained this morning? What happened in the elevator? Why have you never told me about her?" She begins trembling and then she's full-on shaking and crying. I can't take it. I pull her into my arms. This is about so much more than this photograph and we both know it.

  "Leighton. Shhhhh…. It's my past. I don't like to talk about things from that time in my life. You know that. It wasn't meant to hurt you," I say, rubbing her back.

  She pulls back to look up at me. "She was really important to you, wasn't she? That's why you never wanted this photo upstairs, like I suggested, right? It was too painful?" She searches my face.

  I stare back at her and carefully wipe her tears with my thumbs. "Yes," I whisper. I take her hand and guide her up the stairs. She sits down on the couch and I bring her a glass of water. She sips it tentatively, her breath still shaky, and then reaches for my hand. I ease down next to her on the couch and take a deep breath.

  "We were best friends in college for several years. Eventually, I realized I had feelings for her and one time I acted on those feelings." As the words come out, I realize this is the first time I've told anyone about this. It feels like a goddamn confession.

  "Did she feel the same way?" She bites her lower lip.

  I shake my head ‘no'.

  "Do you still have feelings for her?" Leighton asks, her voice cracking again.

  "I don't know her anymore, Leighton. It's been a really long time." She wriggles her hand out of mine.